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What's the worst thing a so called "friend" has ever said to you regarding your Asexual status?


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I remember before I ever figured out I was Ace, a "friend" of mine and I used to hang out a lot. Everytime we were together she would comment on / ask me about my sex life.  I suppose for most girls it's typical girl talk but with these "friends" they would often ask me these things and then not answer when I asked them back. 

 

A couple years ago said "friend" and I were in a cab on the way out for the evening with some friends and we were talking relationships and each girls got her turn until that is... It came to me. One of them asked me if I'd had any sexual relations recently and my "friend" laughs out loud and says for the whole cab to here "has she ****! She's still a virgin! She's a F***ING Nun!" 

It left me feeling humiliated and worse was the idea that this person was someone I thought I could trust with that very personal information! But they were one of those friends that used every part of My life to make fun of me for. 

 

Have any of you guys been in that situation with your Asexual status. Where you trusted someone, told them and had them betry your trust? How did you deal with this kind of thing? 

 

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letusdeleteouraccounts

I’m a 17 year old ace/aro guy and I’ve never had this happen, but that’s probably for a personal reasons. I came out on the last day of school in 10th grade before switching to a smaller high school on a community college campus for my junior and senior year. Most of my friends at this school are queer and my straights have several queer friends themselves. Almost all my friends know that I’m ace and anyone that I tell that I’m ace knows I have no shame in my sexuality. I had 3 friends outside of school. One is bi, one was accepting of LGBTQ+ before I even was, and the third one also knows I’m ace but he never brings up my sexuality into conversation. 

 

Even before I came out as ace, people in general pretty much just knew I was a virgin who didn’t want sex or a relationship

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Not quite as bad (and kinda funny in retrospect), but my so called “friends” had a quiet word with a new girlfriend warning her I was gay because my ex-girlfriend had told them I wasn’t interested in having sex with her 🙄

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That Ginger Kid

The worst is I was told I just needed to “get fucked” and it would fix it. Yet here I am, 24 years old, and it hasn’t fixed anything, nor will it. 

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I'm "only" Demisexual, but I have once tried that some "friends" when I was around the age of 18 tried to REALLY convince me that I just havent been with the "correct" woman and thats why I didn't want to get laid with half of the girls I saw, they even tried to hook me up with a girl kinda behind my back because "she was good" so that would change my mind in their eyes. I thought I was Asexual back then aswell, but when I was 19 I meet someone who after being together with for around 3-4 months started to give me desires, but unfortunaltly it was too slow for her, but thats another story.

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I wouldn't so much say that it was that bad per-say as more that it made me question my own validation of being asexual. I've been pretty confident about my sexuality for some time and I made a post on facebook about online dating being hard. One person said 'well maybe you should warn them you're asexual in your profile before saying it after you meet' (which I believe I'm allowed to share in my own time) and the other one said 'have you ever considered your hormone levels?'. It made me feel like my sexuality was actually a problem that could be 'fixed'.

 

A more funny and also shocking response I had once when I ended dating this guy (at this point we had gone out maybe twice) he said that if I just let him eat me out maybe I'd change my mind on my feelings about sex.... Dude, it wasn't feelings about sex, it's attraction... 

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She didn't mean to be mean, but my friend said, with some disdain, "Why do you even NEED labels? You're Amy. That's all that matters."

 It was meant to be nice, but labels are important to me and she completely ignored what I'd just said, when I was explaining romantic orientations and all, she said it was all "too much" and that all that matters is who we love and how we feel and yeah, that's important, but just because labels aren't important for you doesn't mean they aren't for me and other people. Labels help put a name to scary feelings and are restricting to some, but make others feel safe.

 

But I'd say if that's the worst that's ever happened to me, I'm pretty lucky. It was more frustrating than anything.

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(Possible TW?)

 

"Oh, are you sure you weren't raped?" was her first reaction. 

Of course then there's my relatives with the "it's the father issues"- crap, but I'm not out to them. 

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1 hour ago, Scribbles said:

She didn't mean to be mean, but my friend said, with some disdain, "Why do you even NEED labels? You're Amy. That's all that matters."

 It was meant to be nice, but labels are important to me and she completely ignored what I'd just said, when I was explaining romantic orientations and all, she said it was all "too much" and that all that matters is who we love and how we feel and yeah, that's important, but just because labels aren't important for you doesn't mean they aren't for me and other people. Labels help put a name to scary feelings and are restricting to some, but make others feel safe.

 

But I'd say if that's the worst that's ever happened to me, I'm pretty lucky. It was more frustrating than anything.

"Did you see that feathery thing?"

 

"You mean that finch?"

 

"Why does it even NEED labels? It's feathery. That's all that matters. And no, I was referring to the crow."

 

As for personal experiences, one "friend" of mine said that I knew nothing about relationships because I was ace.

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"If you're asexual, what's the point of dating?"

 

Hurt because it felt like he was saying asexuals can't enjoy the happiness you get with romance.

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On 1/17/2020 at 12:47 PM, Gwaeren said:

The typical “That doesn’t exist. You need the right guy is all.”

Ugh. I get that one alot.

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"Never? Like NEVER? You never even 'do it yourself?' Geez, that's weird. YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR." Because that obviously is the most important health issue I need to be addressing.

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I'm only out to a handful of friends, but I overhear the worst from relatives and strangers that don't know a "selfish" "weird" "snowflake" "perverted" ace is listening to them. Friends have been supportive and try to understand although I can tell most don't get it. The worst was when one asked if I masturbated and said that if I didn't he wouldn't believe me. 
The most understanding people I've met seem to be the bi and pan folk.

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On 1/17/2020 at 4:29 PM, AJ 0688 said:

One of them asked me if I'd had any sexual relations recently and my "friend" laughs out loud and says for the whole cab to here "has she ****! She's still a virgin! She's a F***ING Nun!" 

Not to be rude or insensitive,but i PERSONALLY think what your friend has said wasn't so bad.In fact,i think that your friend was just trying to make a harmless joke,but it ended up hurting you.

 

I understand how you felt.Same shit has happened to me a milllion times and it still does.

 

I get that it's uncomfortable and that it hurts.But i also think that you should try growing some thicker skin.If you get so hurt over something as lighthearted as that,you won't stand a chance in this world.

 

Anyway,my advice to you would be this:

Grow some thicker skin,learn to not give a shit about what people say.I know it is hard.I myself am still learing.But trust me,it's for your own good.

 

Also,i think it would help if you talked to your friends about it.Of course,you don't need to come out to them.Just tell them how certain things make you feel.What not to say around you.And if they still continue on making those comments,then you can officially call them 'fake friends.'

 

Sorry if i came off as rude or insensitive in some parts.I'm just trying to be helpful.Stay strong honey and be yourself,no matter what other tell you😊💖

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On 1/17/2020 at 3:29 PM, AJ 0688 said:

I remember before I ever figured out I was Ace, a "friend" of mine and I used to hang out a lot. Everytime we were together she would comment on / ask me about my sex life.  I suppose for most girls it's typical girl talk but with these "friends" they would often ask me these things and then not answer when I asked them back. 

 

A couple years ago said "friend" and I were in a cab on the way out for the evening with some friends and we were talking relationships and each girls got her turn until that is... It came to me. One of them asked me if I'd had any sexual relations recently and my "friend" laughs out loud and says for the whole cab to here "has she ****! She's still a virgin! She's a F***ING Nun!" 

It left me feeling humiliated and worse was the idea that this person was someone I thought I could trust with that very personal information! But they were one of those friends that used every part of My life to make fun of me for. 

 

Have any of you guys been in that situation with your Asexual status. Where you trusted someone, told them and had them betry your trust? How did you deal with this kind of thing? 

 

I feel you. I've been there in similar ways and it got to a point where I decided I'd rather be on my own than have friends like that, so I cut them out of my life in a friendly way. The worst I find is when they don't know and they make all sorts of assumptions and act on them with others, such as setting you up with people on a blind date over and over again when you've made it clear that this is not what you're looking for. That can be very embarrassing and infuriating.

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11 hours ago, Firefly8 said:

I'm only out to a handful of friends, but I overhear the worst from relatives and strangers that don't know a "selfish" "weird" "snowflake" "perverted" ace is listening to them. Friends have been supportive and try to understand although I can tell most don't get it. The worst was when one asked if I masturbated and said that if I didn't he wouldn't believe me. 
The most understanding people I've met seem to be the bi and pan folk.

I've had that before. I'm not out to anyone in my family and whenever they meet someone who in their mind is atypical, they make fun of them or pity them. I'm never ever going to come out to them, but it would be a good confrontation with their blatant judgementalism.

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37 minutes ago, Acing It said:

I've had that before. I'm not out to anyone in my family and whenever they meet someone who in their mind is atypical, they make fun of them or pity them. I'm never ever going to come out to them, but it would be a good confrontation with their blatant judgementalism.

Your family sounds exactly like mine!

I doubt that i'll ever be able to come out to them (simply because i don't want to be disowned),but i can't help wondering what it would be like if they found out that their only child wasn't straight.That I was a part of a minority that they all hate so much.The shocked looks on their faces.The disgust and rage in their eyes.It would all be so satisfying to see...

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1 minute ago, Ciki said:

Your family sounds exactly like mine!

I doubt that i'll ever be able to come out to them (simply because i don't want to be disowned),but i can't help wondering what it would be like if their only child wasn't straight.That I was a part of a minority that they all hate so much.The shocked looks on their faces.The disgust and rage in their eyes.It would all be so satisfying to see...

Soooo relate to this! Out to almost all friends and colleagues. Zero family members so far!

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1 hour ago, Ciki said:

Your family sounds exactly like mine!

I doubt that i'll ever be able to come out to them (simply because i don't want to be disowned),but i can't help wondering what it would be like if they found out that their only child wasn't straight.That I was a part of a minority that they all hate so much.The shocked looks on their faces.The disgust and rage in their eyes.It would all be so satisfying to see...

Mine wouldn't be angry. There's just a deep lack of understanding at any level of anything that is different to the binary in (paradoxically) all its colours. They are judgemental about lots of things because there's no space in their mind for anything out of what they see as 'normal'. The word 'gay' is usually whispered kind of thing. In spite of this they are the loveliest people you could meet and they don't mean any harm. They don't laugh in somone's face to ridicule, they laugh when they're gone because they don't have a frame f reference or understanding.

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10 minutes ago, Acing It said:

Mine wouldn't be angre. There's just a deep lack of understanding at any level of anything that is different to the binary in (paradoxically) all its colours. They are judgemental about lots of things because there's no space in their mind for anything out of what they see as 'normal'. The word 'gay' is usually whispered kind of thing. In spite of this they are the loveliest people you could meet and they don't mean any harm. They don't laugh in somone's face to ridicule, they laugh when they're gone because they don't have a frame f reference or understanding.

Wow,lucky you.I wish mine were like that...

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That virgin/nun "joke" your "friend" said, damn too many quotes, it could be on the other side by joking about sleeping with too many or that you are obsessed psycho for staying just with one. it's not a joke, it's just something some say in order to make fun at others. Not saying for sure that was the case, just that those types exist and the only way to deal with them is to actually be rude.

I don't have a similar experience, because I don't really have a lot of friends or those I know don't ask about personal stuff, most of them are speaking about theirs.

But there was once this guy, we spoke a lot about personal stuff and I said to him that I am an ace. He comment on how it is unnatural maybe because sex to him is something that by nature we all crave. He was speaking about cravings and of make a simile for my asexuality with a disgust one of his relatives is having to a certain food. He thought I was just  like one of those picky kids who want touch their vegetables or something. It got worse at one point.  I'm struggling with my mental health and I was talking about feeling sad. His advice was pretty much to go f* myself. Like yeah, what if you don't feel like it, just do it, like a medicine or something. And I know all these sound ridiculous and the worse thing is that he is not stupid, it's the opposite of that. But when it came to the subject of asexuality it seems that he just won't get it.   

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2 hours ago, Ciki said:

Not to be rude or insensitive,but i PERSONALLY think what your friend has said wasn't so bad.In fact,i think that your friend was just trying to make a harmless joke,but it ended up hurting you.

 

I understand how you felt.Same shit has happened to me a milllion times and it still does.

 

I get that it's uncomfortable and that it hurts.But i also think that you should try growing some thicker skin.If you get so hurt over something as lighthearted as that,you won't stand a chance in this world.

 

Anyway,my advice to you would be this:

Grow some thicker skin,learn to not give a shit about what people say.I know it is hard.I myself am still learing.But trust me,it's for your own good.

 

Also,i think it would help if you talked to your friends about it.Of course,you don't need to come out to them.Just tell them how certain things make you feel.What not to say around you.And if they still continue on making those comments,then you can officially call them 'fake friends.'

 

Sorry if i came off as rude or insensitive in some parts.I'm just trying to be helpful.Stay strong honey and be yourself,no matter what other tell you😊💖

And I would have taken it that way if it was the first time but it wasn't. There is a small difference between banter and making fun of somewhere. They were always will to ask about my private life but would never tell me about there's because she'd take the piss out of me behind my back. Which I finally found out last year, when she had discussing my work situation with a colleague of mine and the tried telling me how to do my job when she doesn't even work with us in the same company. 

 

How many times can you comment on someone's lack of sex life before it gets too much? After a while it stops being funny. 

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Guess like veryone else, the usual "you should see a doctor/therapist" "you need the meet the right man"

But I think the worst came from my mum, who was the first person I told, and I was still feeling super insecure about it, and she told me "You need to find the right man. Had I known about asexuality when I was your age, I would also have tought I was asexual, but look at me now. It's just a phase, it will pass" Ouch thank you mum, that hurt, just outright denied my asexuality and dismissed it... 

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2 hours ago, AJ 0688 said:

And I would have taken it that way if it was the first time but it wasn't. There is a small difference between banter and making fun of somewhere. They were always will to ask about my private life but would never tell me about there's because she'd take the piss out of me behind my back. Which I finally found out last year, when she had discussing my work situation with a colleague of mine and the tried telling me how to do my job when she doesn't even work with us in the same company. 

 

How many times can you comment on someone's lack of sex life before it gets too much? After a while it stops being funny. 

Oh,i'm sorry,i didn't know the situation was like that.If that's the way it is,than it was a smart move to cut them out of your life.Life is already tough on its own,you don't need toxic people weighing you down and holding you back😊💖

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On 1/17/2020 at 10:29 AM, AJ 0688 said:

Have any of you guys been in that situation with your Asexual status. Where you trusted someone, told them and had them betry your trust? How did you deal with this kind of thing? 

I dated one of my good friends our first year of high school for less than three months. I broke it off and we remained friends, but things got increasingly complicated throughout the rest of high school between us. He dated quite a few other girls and always seemed to talk to me way less during those periods. However, there were a few times where he told me he still liked me (he even said Love a few times). I wanted to be that special person in his life but alas, I'm aro ace. He was the first person I ever told. Then during our third year of high school, I started hanging out with him and our other best friend frequently. He and I started cuddling when we'd all hang out and watch movies. The other friend asked me if I liked him (she didn't know I was aro ace) and I told her I was happy where things were. Then I discovered that the two of them were also cuddling when I wasn't around. Then he told me that they liked each other. Then they started dating. I was so hurt by this (especially since the girl didn't have the guts to tell me herself). The guy knew I was upset by them dating and he basically told me "well you're aro so I didn't think it'd matter". That probably hurt most of all. The fact that he used my romantic/sexual orientation against me when I thought I could trust him with it. I don't tell people I'm aro ace anymore because I don't want them to assume anything about me.

 

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They said - you're not a plant, something's wrong with you, go to get checked by the doctor.

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Anyway,in regard to the question asked:

 

Here are some of the things that people have said to me in regards to my non-existant sex life (i haven't came out to anyone yet,just to make it clear):

 

1) Those standard 'It's a phase thing'.Clishé,i know.But i've also been told off by my parents whenever i'd try to talk to them about my feelings.Whenever i'd start to talk to my mum about the chance of me not being straight,she'd tell me stuff like:'It's just a phase,you just haven't met the right one yet.' or 'Don't scare me.Of course you're normal.' and 'Why are you so accepting of the gays?They are all sick in the head.It's a disorder.'

 

2) Here's a conversation that went on between my two female classmates that i often hang out with:

 

Girl A:"...Alright,i can understand homosexuals and even bisexuals,but i'll never be able to understand asexuals or whatever it is they call themselves."

Girl B:"What the hell even is an asexual?"

Girl A:"I'm not entirely sure,but they,like,don't experience sexual feelings and don't want sex or something like that."

Girl B:"What?!How's that even possible?"

Girl A:"I know right!How can you walk down the street and see someone super hot and not want to instantly fuck them?"

Girl B:"Literally."

Girl A:"They're just making shit up,looking for attention and validation.There is no way somebody can't feel sexual feelings."

 

So yeah,now you know the general thoughts on asexuals amoung the people of my country.

 

3) The endless jokes and teasing from my friends.But i'm fine with them since i know all of those are harmless.They don't know anything about me being ace or aro so it's complitely natural for them to make jokes and comments about it.

 

4) The pressure from the grown-ups around me.I really don't feel like talking about it here.Just know that it's bad.Really,really bad...

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1 hour ago, laLibby said:

I dated one of my good friends our first year of high school for less than three months. I broke it off and we remained friends, but things got increasingly complicated throughout the rest of high school between us. He dated quite a few other girls and always seemed to talk to me way less during those periods. However, there were a few times where he told me he still liked me (he even said Love a few times). I wanted to be that special person in his life but alas, I'm aro ace. He was the first person I ever told. Then during our third year of high school, I started hanging out with him and our other best friend frequently. He and I started cuddling when we'd all hang out and watch movies. The other friend asked me if I liked him (she didn't know I was aro ace) and I told her I was happy where things were. Then I discovered that the two of them were also cuddling when I wasn't around. Then he told me that they liked each other. Then they started dating. I was so hurt by this (especially since the girl didn't have the guts to tell me herself). The guy knew I was upset by them dating and he basically told me "well you're aro so I didn't think it'd matter". That probably hurt most of all. The fact that he used my romantic/sexual orientation against me when I thought I could trust him with it. I don't tell people I'm aro ace anymore because I don't want them to assume anything about me.

 

Ok,i'm lost.I also have a guy best friend and a female bestie (they aren't dating eachother though).But,i never cared about who they liked/dated.I was always happy for them.Sure,i'd get a little scared that they'd forget about me because of their crush/relationship.But i never felt the way you did.

 

I don't get it.Why were you so upset?You should've been happy that the two of them were dating and happy.Isn't that what friendship is all about?

 

I mean yeah,you cuddled and shit and i do the same with my male bestie.Hell,we even watch porn together and talk about sex and masturbation!And i'm also aro ace,just like you.

Why does it matter if he cuddled with you while he was dating your other friend?

It was just cuddles,it's not like he was kissing you or something.

 

Also,i don't understand the whole 'she didn't even have the guts to tell me' part.Maybe she wasn't ready to tell you yet?And even if she was,why does she have to?It's not like she owns that to you.My male bestie also didn't want to tell me about his first 'girlfriend'.

 

I'm sorry if i went off and seemed rude,but i really don't get what the big fuss is about.When i first started reading your comment i expected it to end with him talking behind your back or something,but this is just...wow.I'm speechless.

 

Once again,i'm sorry if i seemed rude.I'm always here and open to a discussion so please,feel free to correct me if i'm wrong.

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