When he says, " maybe your just not that into me..."

[Elisgray]

Hi, I'm Elis, and  I'm 23 . I'm new here, and a little nervous,.. no one I know around me understands what it feels like to be Ace, and I'm having a problem. It would mean a lot me to have your advice

 

I've been with my partner for two  and a half years, and in that short time hes been everything to me. Hes become my best friend, and one of my greatest joys. He almost proposed a couple months ago. Romantically, it feels amazing. However, the fact that I have a low sex drive seems to always be the poison in the tea with us.  

 

 

" How would you know that your Asexual, I'm your first sexual partner."

" You grew up under strict Catholics. Bad boyfriends. It could just be a phase? Maybe you need help... "

"Maybe its your diet, let me go make you a new health plan, it'll make you feel better in no time."

"I read that daily exercises can increase sex drive, lets go to the gym together and try it."

" Hey look I'm getting a six pack, after a couple more muscles you'll be even more attracted to me for sure."

" I bought a new book, and I'm watching videos on how to arouse women better, maybe if I'm better at sex you'll want it more."

...

"maybe, your just not that into  me..."

 

 

It breaks my heart to see how much hes trying. As much as I try to tell him " its not you, its me, " he doesn't understand. 

I don't know, if anyone can relate, but hes the A-Type of person. The loud charismatic person in the room. Very blunt. Very Honest.

But also, someone that has trouble understanding things they've never experienced on a personal level.

 

Its annoying,... but hey, we don't choose who we fall for.

 

On a good day, He acts like there has to be a solution, something we can do, someway   to slay the dragon  ( metaphorically speaking.)

On a bad day, He's frustrated and insecure. He questions his own self worth. 

 

And regardless of a good or bad day for him, its constantly hurting me a little aswell. He has a good heart, and good intentions, but he looks at me like a problem.

And, it hurts to be looked at constantly like I am a problem. Even with the best intentions, It makes feel like I'm broken.  And when someone loves you, tells you that theres something with you it s hard to disagree with them,...

 

*********************************************************

What I'm asking is,... is there any hope? 

Has any Asexuals or Aces or anything in between managed a relationship with a sexual partner?

Is there anything I can do?

 

I don't wana give up, I  want to fighting for what I have.

But I don't want to  be in a cat and mouse game of hurting each other unintentionally.

I don't want to be the dragon 

in someone else's story...

 

but I don't know what else to try...

[Philip027]

Epic case of denial going on on his part, there.  He doesn't want to accept that it could be asexuality because that's the one thing out of his list of things that he can't do anything to "fix"

 

Repeatedly trying to jam a square peg into a round hole tends to cause one or the other to break eventually.

 

There isn't anything you can do to make someone accept you.  The other person has to want to do that, and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

[frostboot]

This sounds like a really tough situation to be in and I'm sorry to hear it.

There are absolutely relationships between ace and sexual people that work, but those must be built on understanding and acceptance and unfortunately it doesn't sound like you have that. Your boyfriend constantly dismissing your identity and turning you into a problem to fix isn't healthy and if a relationship makes you feel like you're broken, it simply isn't a good one. A person doesn't have to understand something in order to accept things for what they are, your word should be enough. 
It seems like having sex is really important to him, and an incompatibility there can be a large obstacle. There's a lot more required in a relationship than love so unless he's willing to put 110% into making this work, starting out by actually listening to you, I don't think it's very likely that it will. 

[Iam9man]

3 hours ago, Elisgray said:

How would you know that your Asexual, I'm your first sexual partner."

" You grew up under strict Catholics. Bad boyfriends. It could just be a phase? Maybe you need help... "

"Maybe its your diet, let me go make you a new health plan, it'll make you feel better in no time."

"I read that daily exercises can increase sex drive, lets go to the gym together and try it."

" Hey look I'm getting a six pack, after a couple more muscles you'll be even more attracted to me for sure."

" I bought a new book, and I'm watching videos on how to arouse women better, maybe if I'm better at sex you'll want it more."

...

"maybe, your just not that into  me..."

👎

 

3 hours ago, Elisgray said:

Has any Asexuals or Aces or anything in between managed a relationship with a sexual partner?

Yes, absolutely. There’s no magic solution but it takes working at it and compromise, but don’t compromise outside of your comfort zone.

[MrDane]

I used a ton of energy/time to figure out what should/could be mended. In the beginning I blamed me, then got depressed and blamed her. Eventually the blaming disappears, but everything isnt fine and dandy with that.  I read the same magazine articles as he did. “Is your partner turned off by you? Here are 59 ways to get back on track”, “This is how to give her the best orgasm”, “withdrawal could be a sign of realizing she is lesbian”, “Sexual abuse needs time to heal”, “This is what girls wants a guy to look like”...

and often it has a grain of truth, but mostly in a sexual/sexual-relationship.

[HonoraryJedi]

I'm afraid to say he doesn't get it. And this seems like a tragedy in progress. It is not a good situation for you to constantly have your identity questioned, and having someone close to you act like you need to change. And it is also not good for him, constantly trying to be attractive to someone who isn't wired that way, thinking maybe if I work hard enough I will be worthy. It must really suck. You can't give him that thing that he wants, and he doesn't seem like he will understand. Too much wishful thinking I think. I think there is a 'success stories' thread about mixed relationships you can check for reference, but unless there is a notable shift in point of view here, I don't think this situaiton is healthy for you.

[banana monkey]

Its clear that he doesnt understand and I seem to be having a gut feeling that this may not work. 

 

However, I'm wondering if the problem is that he doesnt understand or that he does but wants to believe that it isnt what is happening with you rather it happens to other people (ie he cant accept that it is happening to you). 

 

If its that he doesnt understand, Have you shown him AVEN? - to help him understand that asexuality is a thing for some people and not just something that may not be real for you. 

 

It may be that he does accept it on some level but cant accept a relationship with no sex (some people just cant live without a certain amount of sex in a relationship, in order for the relationship to work for them and their emotional needs, end of.) so he is trying to hold hope in the 1% chance that you could be sexual and not realise it and is trying to help you to find your sex drive because he doesnt want the relationship to break down. 

 

It also doesnt help that he is probably feeling very insecure because if it is that he doesnt accept asexuality is a thing, or in anyway thinks you might in fact be sexual, as he puts it he just thinks "your just not that into me/i'm not attractive enough". That would hurt bad i imagine, I mean if the person you love and value the most is not into you and doesnt think you are attractive it must be a great knock to your self worth and self value because it must feel like they dont value you in some way. From what I've heard here on aven it goes even deeper than that for some sexuals because sex is their love language and so if the person you value the most is not into you enough to desire sex with you then it feels like they dont love you enough or something, similarly despite the fact that there are many different love languages I know from my own past relationship that if my partner did not show me affection in the language I needed it most I would read that as their not as into me as I am them because the language they liked to use just did nothing for me and did not make me feel loved at all. 

 

Could you try discussing love languages with him, and see what his response is. It sounds like  he may need sex to feel loved and so you two try and workout some sort of compromise or that he needs to feel desired sexually in order to feel loved in which case you probably cant do much given that because you are asexual you wont ever desire him sexually.