Biblioromantic Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 Hi, friends, It's been a while since I've checked in, and I really need some commiseration or ideas from my fellow aces and allies. All my life since I was a small child, I hoped one Valentines day I'd have someone to celebrate it with. I'm not very romantically-inclined, and I'm not usually attracted to people romantically. Eleven months of the year, I really don't give a hoot whether I have a romantic partner except that I'd really like to have a long-term best friend or a QPR at some point in the semi-distant future. I have friends, mostly a trio of guy friends that don't know each other whatsoever, but no one that I'm so connected to that they reach out to me all that often. I seem to make friends with guys more easily, I guess. And I've had gal pals before, but it seems I can't get girls to stick around for more than a couple years, and then they tend to abandon me for someone else. Right on schedule, I'm starting to struggle with the lack of a significant relationship. It hit me like a brick wall last weekend, a craving for connection, to matter to someone more than anyone else. To be important to someone. To have someone call or text *me* first to check in, instead of always, always being the other way around. To have someone reach for me. To have them ask to spend time with me without me always, always being the one to plan the event first. And then I looked at the calendar today and realized why. It's a month before Valentine's Day in the US, which is celebrated annually on February 14th. I've heard all the arguments about it being a made-up holiday for the candy and flower and greeting card companies. I know I should have more control of my emotions and not let it bother me that I will probably never, ever have someone to celebrate the day with in my lifetime. Some years in the past I've ordered flowers for myself to be delivered the day before the holiday so I have something to remind me to be strong and to smile about. Some years I've taken the day off work to wallow and cry and avoid the happy couples out celebrating. Some years I've taken myself out on a solo date the weekend before. In all these situations, I always breathe a sigh of relief when the weekend after the holiday passes and I'm feeling more back to my normal, aromantic self. How do you guys handle this time of year? Is there anything you do to cope? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I've often wanted to go out on the 14th and ask couples why they feel the need to broadcast their togetherness to the world just to be spiteful. I guess I just stay in and try to ignore it. I wish i had more constructive advice but I understand that I'm in the minority and I'm just going to have to cope with the extra pinch of loneliness I feel when I see those couples celebrating. It sucks but what can you really do? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I never regarded Valentine's day as anything more than a bonus Halloween (in the sense you might find free/cheap candy to grab everywhere). I mean, candy makes most things better, unless you're a diabetic or a fatass like me. To be honest that's the opinion I have of pretty much any "holiday" that doesn't actually result in a free day off from school/work. If it doesn't result in me getting the day off, it isn't important enough to have its own name. I've never craved a relationship, so I can't really relate unfortunately, in much the same way that I've never been particularly attached to family and therefore can't relate all that well to the people estranged from their families and feeling glum about it around Thanksgiving/Xmas time, for instance. I can't really give you the advice to not take a fake holiday so seriously, because I know it won't work. But that's about all the advice I would have. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Quote I've often wanted to go out on the 14th and ask couples why they feel the need to broadcast their togetherness to the world just to be spiteful. As someone that "broadcasts my togetherness" with my spouse pretty much every time we go outside, I can tell you that I don't think most of them are doing it to be "spiteful", honestly. Most of them honestly won't give a toss about you, to be frank. Link to post Share on other sites
thyristor Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 53 minutes ago, Biblioromantic said: To have someone call or text *me* first to check in, instead of always, always being the other way around. To have someone reach for me. To have them ask to spend time with me without me always, always being the one to plan the event first. Feel you.... and it's always the other party bailing out, for some OTHER fun reason, meaning I'm not fun enough. Or maybe even meaning to say that I'm so faithful, they think they can meet me any time, but that other event is only this time, so, that is almost a compliment, but it just doesn't help either.... Luckily I tend to not be aware of holidays until a couple of days before. Valentine's, mother's/father's day, New Year, Midsummer... Only Christmas actually seems to be pushing itself onto me weeks in advance. My spontaneous but maybe totally irrelevant reaction to your question is: stay at home and watch some Chicago mafia movie with Valentine in it, I have no clue about such movies, but the words form an association in my mind. Might be from a Marilyn Monroe movie though. But honestly, I don't know what to suggest. I've never cared much about special days, they seem no different to me than other days. And, even though I had a spouse to celebrate with for nine years, Valentine's day was more like a chore to me. Link to post Share on other sites
thyristor Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 But I can imagine that there wil be some AVEN holiday support thread? You are not the only one fed up with Valentine's day, I'm pretty sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Ennis Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Come to Germany! Valentine's day is less prominent over here. Link to post Share on other sites
blunose2772 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I've never seen the point of Valentine's Day. One day to show your SO you love them. Shouldn't you be doing that every day? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 You guys misunderstand I want to be spiteful out of jealousy. People who show affection (to a certain degree) in public aren't being spiteful. It's me, it's always about me😂! Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Oh ok. Well, it isn't that either of us feel a "need" to do it; it's just that we ARE together and sometimes, in order for us to properly function as adults, we have to go outside to get things done. We don't specifically go out on V-day just to put on a show or something, but we're also not going to just stay inside if we have to get anything done on that day just to spare others' feelings. It's not like we're awkwardly making out on the subway (so that nobody else can get away) or anything. The extent of what we're doing is holding hands and letting my spouse sit on my lap in the subway (if I'm actually lucky enough to get a seat), which I think is pretty tame stuff overall. Link to post Share on other sites
Tabula Rasa Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I think about all the people in toxic relationships who just to go through the motions of celebrating valentine's day. It's easy to think that being in a relationship at all is better than none. Remember that just because someone's in a relationship doesn't mean it's a healthy one. Link to post Share on other sites
WanderingKate Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I relate to your post quite strongly...Valentine's Day can be confusing for us aros I think. When I'm not in a relationship, this is the time of the year where I feel the loneliness most strongly I'd say, all the heart shaped candy boxes lining the aisles and all, and I start to crave a relationship... And then when I am in a relationship on V Day, I end up stressed and uncomfortable with the romantic gestures and wishing I was single. It's that one time a year where I truly can't win :D Link to post Share on other sites
pulsar512b Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 In the past, I just basically chilled and treated it as a day off: like how i would for MLK day or something. However, with a partner now, I might do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 3 hours ago, Biblioromantic said: It hit me like a brick wall last weekend, a craving for connection, to matter to someone more than anyone else. To be important to someone. To have someone call or text *me* first to check in, instead of always, always being the other way around. To have someone reach for me. To have them ask to spend time with me without me always, always being the one to plan the event first. I'm aro ace but I've been through this over and over again with friendships. What I've learned is that you don't actually *need* to be extremely close to anyone, and as long as you feel like you need them you will suffer if they're not there for you. I mean, it's necessary to interact with humans regularly so you don't lose your mind but the idea that someone can't be complete without another person just isn't true and the likeliness of finding someone who is anywhere close to ideal as a partner for you when you're not already content is reallyyy slim. Not saying it can't happen but if you're happy with yourself and your life then you will have confidence and attract someone who is a good fit for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Biblioromantic Posted January 17, 2020 Author Share Posted January 17, 2020 Thanks for all your thoughts so far. TBH, I know that I'm not really wanting a romantic relationship. I've had that before, and my partner at the time was a manipulative bastard that did no small amount of damage to my psyche that's still with me twenty years later. It's that I want a significant other to celebrate. There is a difference for me. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 It was never that big a deal for me. My mom I think would get us chocolate and we'd generally treat it as a platonic kind of thing to express our love and affection towards others. Didn't care enough about it in MS and HS when there's a lot of social pressure about being with someone. In fact, those stupid candy grams caused so much stupid drama. Teasing people with secret admirers or just being annoying to have to put together. Even with my bf, we don't do anything about it. Maybe once he did? Because he's more romantic and show-y about that stuff, but I don't remember it if so. Just another day for me. I'd rather just enjoy the cheap chocolate, throw those gross 'candy' hearts at pigeons (I don't really do this, but what are they good for other than projectiles?), and wish the ugly pink and red shit would go away. Link to post Share on other sites
pulsar512b Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 46 minutes ago, Biblioromantic said: Thanks for all your thoughts so far. TBH, I know that I'm not really wanting a romantic relationship. I've had that before, and my partner at the time was a manipulative bastard that did no small amount of damage to my psyche that's still with me twenty years later. It's that I want a significant other to celebrate. There is a difference for me. I'm sorry about that last part. I can understand your desire to not want a romantic relationship, but you also want someone else to celebrate. I'll be frank: I dont know what to say. Also, i concur with 1 hour ago, Moon Spirit ☽ said: I'm aro ace but I've been through this over and over again with friendships. What I've learned is that you don't actually *need* to be extremely close to anyone, and as long as you feel like you need them you will suffer if they're not there for you. I mean, it's necessary to interact with humans regularly so you don't lose your mind but the idea that someone can't be complete without another person just isn't true and the likeliness of finding someone who is anywhere close to ideal as a partner for you when you're not already content is reallyyy slim. Not saying it can't happen but if you're happy with yourself and your life then you will have confidence and attract someone who is a good fit for you. Took me 22 years and change of life to find someone. I never felt like I needed someone and I never felt like I wasn't complete. You are complete as yourself, a relationship is just an extra feather in your cap. I dunno if this helps, but hopefully it does. Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I just think of it as Discount Candy Eve. Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 9 hours ago, CBC said: patron saint of love and... some other stuff too, I think Beekeepers and plague, iirc. That'd be an interesting combination of stuff to celebrate Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Discount chocolate. What's not to like Link to post Share on other sites
sunflowersundae Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 I always feel like a kind of anomaly amongst other aces because I've always loved valentine's day and it never really affected my own feelings about my identity as much? Idk I guess it's part me being a hopeless romantic, another part loving cute aesthetics, and another loving candy haha. I do admit there are times where I do feel left out but it's never done much to affect my feelings about the holiday in the long run; though I do understand that it can make others like me uncomfortable. I've always been a big fan of love in general, not just romantic love, but different kinds, such as platonic and familial love, so that may be why the holiday always goes over well for me; just being lucky to have friends to celebrate an otherwise silly holiday together with. Sharing Valentine's with friends can be a valid way to celebrate, just because you don't have a romantic partner doesn't mean you can't have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 Me and Clutch usually just try to go out on that day but if not, no big deal, we still love each other. I don't get those who make it into a big deal to the point they'll break up over it; honestly, that seems like major relationship insecurity to me. But what do I know? One of us isn't even capable of eating chocolate, let alone buying me some in return ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 My husband and I stopped going out on Valentines day years ago. Even in good restaurants, the experience has always been disappointing. The food is never as good as on a normal day, the place will be busy and noisy, and the staff are run off their feet. Not in the least bit romantic. We just stay in and one of of will cook a special meal. Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 11:17 AM, CBC said: Hahahha I'd way rather celebrate that stuff tbh. 😂 Honestly same! 😅 Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted January 18, 2020 Share Posted January 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, CBC said: You said the plague, huh? I could get into Valentine's Day for the sake of sending someone one of these images... Reveal hidden contents Oh my god these are incredible 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
fiѕh Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 On 1/17/2020 at 1:15 AM, Ennis said: Come to Germany! Valentine's day is less prominent over here. yeah thank fuck Link to post Share on other sites
Eva River Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 On 1/19/2020 at 9:22 AM, CBC said: You said the plague, huh? I could get into Valentine's Day for the sake of sending someone one of these images... Reveal hidden contents I... I can't, these are actually great XD Link to post Share on other sites
Jypsy Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 I think if the holiday itself is about love in general, shouldn't that also mean self love? Too many people I've known have rushed into relationships around this time of year for the sheer purpose of not being alone on valentines day (or just for the chocolate and presents) and I think they tend to forget to love themselves first. Maybe people should see it as a "treat yo self" day, personally I'm just gonna repeat what i did last year: play resident evil 2 and listen to welcome to the black parade on repeat. 😁 Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Jypsy said: I think if the holiday itself is about love in general, shouldn't that also mean self love? T Maybe it should, but it doesn't. It's a holiday that has for a long while been known for the romantic love between two people. You can't try to redefine something just to try to make people feel less uncomfortable. That's asking them to ignore reality and just makes them feel guilty if they can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Nylocke Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 Now that I don't watch TV anymore I can fairly avoid that day for the most part. Though that among others never really meant anything to me. Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 On 1/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, Biblioromantic said: Hi, friends, It's been a while since I've checked in, and I really need some commiseration or ideas from my fellow aces and allies. Hi there! On 1/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, Biblioromantic said: To be important to someone. To have someone call or text *me* first to check in, instead of always, always being the other way around. To have someone reach for me. To have them ask to spend time with me without me always, always being the one to plan the event first. And then I looked at the calendar today and realized why. Wow, that hits close to home! I don't have any prefab solutions for you, but you're not alone in this, I promise. On 1/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, Biblioromantic said: I know I should have more control of my emotions and not let it bother me that I will probably never, ever have someone to celebrate the day with in my lifetime. Hey, although society would have you think it's best to stay cool and collected all the time, It's okay to recognize and occasionally be overwhelmed by your emotions. I think the most severe mistake I've made in my teenage/young adult life has been forgetting to acknowledge my own feelings. On 1/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, Biblioromantic said: I know I should have more control of my emotions and not let it bother me that I will probably never, ever have someone to celebrate the day with in my lifetime. 😕 That's a rather pessimistic take, but I understand how this feels. It's okay to feel bad about it, but if you really do want to find someone just try to be involved in something wherever you are. I can't say I've ever met a good friend sitting in my apartment alone. On 1/16/2020 at 6:08 PM, Biblioromantic said: How do you guys handle this time of year? Is there anything you do to cope? Perhaps you could spend the Valentine's Day with a best friend instead? If not, keep yourself occupied with a movie or something fun. Remember, you don't have to have a partner to be worth it to yourself. If you're aromantic, you have tons more time to devote to a hobby or giving back. Just be you and love yourself for it. You're already enough. Link to post Share on other sites
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