My partner is becoming more and more insecure and weird due to lack of sex

[Annabilla]

I have identified as a lesbian for over 25 years but more recently I identify as asexual interested in romantic relationships with women. My girlfriend is non binary or identifies more as a male. We are having terrible problems due to very different needs and feelings. I just don't want sex with her and have repeatedly told her that I lack a sex drive and probably always have, but then I do identify as a lesbian. She doesn't think of herself as a lesbian but non binary or male and thinks that all the women she has ever been with were straight or bi. She cannot get her head around the fact that

1. I identify as lesbian eg I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN

2. I'm asexual so I do not want to have sex with either men or women.

She fails to understand this and is becoming more and more insecure with me, believing that when I have advertised my room to rent really I am after a sexual relationship, that as an artist I draw nudes and this is sexually motivated, she is jealous of me seeing attractive bodies when drawing, she thinks I'm always being flirted with and I respond when men flirt with me by becoming giggly, if I find someone attractive she thinks that means I fancy them (including teenage boys- I'm 50), she thought that when I took a photo of large penises on a beach in Thailand,  that the Thai worship as a sign of fertility, this means I want a penis. It goes on and on. She is not a teenager but a 55 year old. She also thinks that people are homophobic towards her just by giving her a look or no look and she goes up to them and verbally challenges them. 

I just don't know if she's just crazy or am I making her this way by not being sexual with her? We are cuddly and hold hands but she wants to kiss, more cuddles, said she wants me to jump her bones. It's all just too stressful. 

[Grimalkin]

Frankly, the two of you just sound incompatible, both over sexuality and over the fact that your partner is transitioning into something you're not attracted to. Neither of these things are anybody's fault-- they're just life. 

 

I expect that the only way you'll get through this at all is with some kind of LGBT+ positive couples counseling, but even then, what's there to fix? It's not like you can tell your partner what gender they should be. It's not like they can tell you what your sexuality should be.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[uhtred]

I have to agree with @Grimalkin  Sometimes people are just not compatible, and may even start compatible and then change. 

 

No blame, but probably best to end things before they get too bad, and each of you can find someone who is a better match. Often I think people make the mistake of staying too long in a relationship that isn't making them happy. 

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I sense a mutual misunderstanding here. I can understand that you are used to perceiving your partner as a woman, but despite this I still believe that you should respect his self-identification.

Yes, it happens sometimes: lesbians may be in relationships with ransitioning trans men and non-binary people. Sometimes it leads to a reconsideration of one's own sexual orientation, sometimes it doesn't. I'm not saying that it always has to, that a lesbian who has been in a different-sex relationship with a trans person has to forever identify as at least bi - however, one should respect one's partner's identity.

There's also nothing wrong if a relationship fails because of that. Not everyone is bi- or panromantic and nobody should feel expected to be like this if it's not who they are. In a way, I think that for some trans men it can be paradoxically reassuring if they were in a relationship with someone who identifies as a lesbian, not bi, and if they break up because of this - for such a man it may show that no, your girlfriend didn't perceive you as "still kinda female". In a nonsexual relationship, when at least one partner doesn't want anything to do with other people's intimate parts, it could be even stronger.

It reminds me of Leslie Feinberg's "Stone Butch Blues". When the main character, Jess, decides to transition, they reassure their partner, Theresa, that they would just be male to the outside world, simply to survive in a homophobic and transphobic reality (where butch lesbians were disproportionally and cruelly targeted), but at home they would still be the same person - just a butch and not some guy. And still Theresa says that she can't, that it had cost her a lot to become a politicaly conscious lesbian and she doesn't want to lose it.

I have never been in a relationship, and I would also make it clear from the beginning that I'm just not psychologically capable of having sex, but I too feel that I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone presenting / living as male. I simply couldn't stand being perceived as heterosexual.

[Memento1]

1 hour ago, Annabilla said:

I just don't know if she's just crazy or am I making her this way by not being sexual with her?

(Gonna use "he" here because it sounds like their chosen gender)

 

He's not crazy, and you didn't cause it.  All of his anger (and it sounds like a lot) is about pain - his own insecurity.  Lack of sex can trigger insecurity but it's not the root cause.  People bring insecurity with them into a relationship, and certain things can trigger it.  It sounds like you trigger each other by the way you inherently are, so I agree it's probably an irreconcilable difference - neither of you is broken or at fault, you're just different.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed, hurt, and belittled.  I can see how much pain this has caused you.

[Annabilla]

3 hours ago, Memento1 said:

(Gonna use "he" here because it sounds like their chosen gender)

 

He's not crazy, and you didn't cause it.  All of his anger (and it sounds like a lot) is about pain - his own insecurity.  Lack of sex can trigger insecurity but it's not the root cause.  People bring insecurity with them into a relationship, and certain things can trigger it.  It sounds like you trigger each other by the way you inherently are, so I agree it's probably an irreconcilable difference - neither of you is broken or at fault, you're just different.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed, hurt, and belittled.  I can see how much pain this has caused you.

Thanks for you kind words. I'm not sure if she wants to be called 'he', maybe more 'they'. Also she is not transitioning as others have implied on the posts , so I may have confused people. My partner is quite confused about her gender  and we are from a generation that is not so open as the younger generations. I'm also really confused by my sexuality. I do not find anything clear cut or concrete. She is very definite about her feelings for me, she loves me and wants me in every way but feels very rejected by me. How I feel about her is a mystery most of the time to me and her. Sometimes I feel close and feel I can touch and be physically close, other times I experience her like a stranger and can't bare her near me. I exhaust myself and we both sabotage the relationship at times. She is definitely insecure and fears rejection but so do I, BUT there must be some reason why we choose each other...

[anisotrophic]

@Annabilla it feels to me like both of you might not really "believe" the other – on your partner's part, those reactions all speak to not having a deep acceptance of your lack of sexual desire. But… on your part, your use of pronouns for your partner really threw me, and it sounds like you're very skeptical about their gender identity. And… it sounds like both of you are both unsure about yourself, and… maybe that's contributing?

 

I'm a decade younger, but the possibility of non-binary gender was new for me too. And the possibility of asexuality was new for my partner. It's meant a lot to both of us to discover these things. Seeing an LGBTQIA+ therapist might help either/both of you. We both benefited from this. Our therapists were able to talk to us through exploring my gender identity, his sexual orientation, and our relationship with each other.

[Annabilla]

7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@Annabilla it feels to me like both of you might not really "believe" the other – on your partner's part, those reactions all speak to not having a deep acceptance of your lack of sexual desire. But… on your part, your use of pronouns for your partner really threw me, and it sounds like you're very skeptical about their gender identity. And… it sounds like both of you are both unsure about yourself, and… maybe that's contributing?

 

I'm a decade younger, but the possibility of non-binary gender was new for me too. And the possibility of asexuality was new for my partner. It's meant a lot to both of us to discover these things. Seeing an LGBTQIA+ therapist might help either/both of you. We both benefited from this. Our therapists were able to talk to us through exploring my gender identity, his sexual orientation, and our relationship with each other.

Yes this is very true, she doesn't really believe me about my lack of sexual desire/asexuality and I don't think of her as male but as a soft butch lesbian or non binary ( I get the non binary). We have discussed but we need to discuss and explore more. I am already seeing an emdr therapist and she is going to see someone too. I think the hardest part is not the lack of sex ( so she says, not sure I believe this due to her beliefs I want sex with others) but she says more because I have stopped all physical contact. This is not true, we cuddle in bed, hold hands , hug, but she wants more of this and kissing. I find it quite hard kissing her and it throws me into a state of confusion just like sex would. I liked it better when she would kiss, hug etc more confidently as that would encourage me and I could choose to respond or not but because I react badly sometimes to this, she is now too scared to do this. Like I said before I have no idea why I sometimes can't tolerate her, resent her and can't bear to be touched. Other times I want this? I feel very sorry that I am putting her through this. 

[MrDane]

6 hours ago, Annabilla said:

Yes this is very true, she doesn't really believe me about my lack of sexual desire/asexuality and I don't think of her as male but as a soft butch lesbian or non binary ( I get the non binary). We have discussed but we need to discuss and explore more. I am already seeing an emdr therapist and she is going to see someone too. I think the hardest part is not the lack of sex ( so she says, not sure I believe this due to her beliefs I want sex with others) but she says more because I have stopped all physical contact. This is not true, we cuddle in bed, hold hands , hug, but she wants more of this and kissing. I find it quite hard kissing her and it throws me into a state of confusion just like sex would. I liked it better when she would kiss, hug etc more confidently as that would encourage me and I could choose to respond or not but because I react badly sometimes to this, she is now too scared to do this. Like I said before I have no idea why I sometimes can't tolerate her, resent her and can't bear to be touched. Other times I want this? I feel very sorry that I am putting her through this. 

Being on this site for a while has taugth me, that you do not ‘lack’. You just dont ‘have’. And that this is probably the most difficult thing for us sexuals to get our head around.