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Advice please..


SkippingStars

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SkippingStars

Hi so I’m about 17 and I found out I was ace(ace biromantic) about a year ago or so idk. I’m really really glad I now know I’m ace because it defined what my boundaries were and gave me a community of people who understand me. However, ever since I figured it out I’ve been... afraid of even trying to approach people I’m interested in romantically because I feel like there’s no point in trying since practically all the people I’ve ever been interested in are allo. And I’ve been thrown aside by a person I liked for another person because of the fact I wasn’t interested in sex... which took another giant blow to my self esteem..  Before I knew I was ace I already had low self esteem about liking people but now that I know it feels like it’s decreasing all the time and I don’t know what to do. Cause when I think about it I’m glad I’m ace tbh, it’s what makes me comfortable but some part of me just feels like it’s now 100x worse to be interested in someone because my fear of rejection has skyrocketed ever since I figured out I was ace.. I just need some advice from other people or some stories about experiences with dating as someone on the ace spectrum i guess.. anything would help please.. 

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I think you're only 17 and romance is unlikely going to be permanent at that age anyway. You've realized you're ace, but there are a lot of other things you're likely to learn about yourself in the coming years. Don't worry too much about not being able to find romance since there are many years ahead of you where you'll meet so many more people who won't care so much about sex. 

 

Then again, I've had all of two boyfriends in my life, one lasting only and year and barely counted since we rarely saw each other or did anything (and were 15/16). The other boyfriend is my current fiance who is sexual but with a low libido and has been very understanding with my sexuality. 

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Anxious Gryffindor

I totally relate to what you're feeling! I'm not sure if it's gonna be of any help, but...

 

First off, not every allo person thinks sex is necessary for a relationship. Yes, there are a lot of people out there that will think this is a deal-breaker (assholes, if you ask me), and I, too, sometimes get the feeling that no one will be okay with it either, but that's not true. Sometimes, allo people have low libido and they're not very interested in sex either. A lot of people go celibate for religious reasons, so, there are a lot of allo people to whom repressing your sexual urges is okay and worth it for a good reason - and for some of them, a good romantic relationship with a partner they really like can be that good reason. Also, sometimes you can find a middle ground: like, there might be a couple sexual acts that you are okay with, and they can be okay with refraining from other things (that actually happens in allo relationships too). I've also heard of non-monogamous relationships in which the allo partner fulfills his sexual urges somewhere else. Basically, I'm not saying all of these are viable options for you, but that there are many ways in which a relationship between an asexual and allosexual can work.

 

I know this is much easier said than done, but it is true that you decrease your chances of finding people who will want to be in a relationship with you if you don't put yourself out there...

 

As for my personal experiences with that, I found it hurts less if you get it out of the way as soon as possible. Like, first, you might want to bring up the subject of asexuality without saying you are so, to see how they react. Also, when I'm getting romantically involved with someone, it's a disclosure that happens on the first date because this way, if it is a deal-breaker for them, we can stop things because I get too emotionally involved and it hurts less. Also, communicate, communicate, communicate! Always talk about how you and the person you're dating feel, what your boundaries are, how you can make it work... I realize this might not be super helpful, but to do give up, because you are worthy of love and there are people out there who will want you just the way you are.

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