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Porn use in marriage


Jrae01

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Let me apologize in advance... I have put my story on here before, so i will try to give a brief recap.  I just have a few more questions...

 

My husband recently discovered he is asexual (i am not). We've had a 15 year sexless marriage. Throughout that time he swore to me he wasn't watching porn as he had no interest for it. 

 

Anyway, i finally caught him watching porn on his phone via a spy app. Please don't flame me for this as i had to get to the bottom of this. After much discussion, he admitted he's actually been using it all along.  He claims it was only a few times a week on occasion and that he'd then go months with out it.  This was all while i was going several months and even years without it. 

 

So, obviously I'm very upset about the lies, especially over such a long period of time while i felt like the lack of sexual intimacy was destroying me. I tried to believe him that whole time and give him the benefit of the doubt.  To now find this out, it just feels like a major betrayal. 

 

Anyway, normally i wouldn't care so much about the porn but seeing as he was using it and not being with me just makes it unacceptable to me. 

 

However, now that he says he's asexual, I'm wondering if I should be okay with this now? Should he be able to take care of his need using porn while my needs are not being met? Especially seeing as he has given me an open marriage but I'm choosing not to play that card. 

 

I just don't know what to think. He lied and hid this from me for so long. I also asked him a few times over the years if he was asexual and he always said no, that's not it. However, now that i caught him with porn, he claims he's asexual. Sometimes i think this is his attempt to minimize what he did, however, he's never really shown much interest in sex with me and claims he has never had an interest with anyone. He also says he started watching porn at 10 years old, so i can't help but wonder if it's just a long standing addiction or true asexuality. 

 

Sorry for my ramblings. Any thoughts any of you could give would be grwatly appreciated. 

 

 

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I mean, the two biggest possibilities here...

 

He's ace, and just does not care to involve you or anyone else when it comes to dealing with his libido.  To some of us, dealing with our libido is a lot like having to take a shit.  Even a lot of married people don't exactly like to do it in the presence of someone else, even their spouse.

 

That or he isn't ace; he's just not that into you.

 

idk, it's up to you to determine which you think is more likely.  Either way, I don't feel like it really matters all that much.  Aces can still have libidos and still may want to use porn as an outlet, and people are allowed to regard the viewing of porn as a form of cheating/betrayal. 

 

Regardless, my response in last month's thread still applies:

 

Quote

You both seem to have issues with honesty and trust that are severe enough that it makes me feel like sex (or lack thereof) really shouldn't be at the forefront of your relationship concerns atm

 

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Like last time, the biggest issue here is if you're willing to forgive him for lying to you for so long. Ace or not, that's a huge problem. He also might be addicted if he lied to you about it instead of coming clean. 

 

The other concern is to figure out how to make yourself happy with the relationship again. If he's watching porn and not having sex with you but allowing an open relationship, is that enough for you? Would an open relationship work? It doesn't for everyone so it's not something to be ashamed of if it doesn't work out. You deserve to be happy and shouldn't force yourself to conform to his desires and expectations. 

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You dont have to accept anything that makes you unhappy. And he could be lying and addicted or lying and ashamed of being ace or just hadn't accepted it yet. It is kind of up to you and him to figure out what is true. 

 

Personally, I couldnt take being rejected and my partner turning to porn instead. 

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The fact that he uses porn doesn’t mean he isn’t ace, but - as others have said - the lying and communication issues are the bigger problem(s).

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@Jrae01  his false assertions and lack of communication are a huge problem and certainly understandable. I think you are unhappy with the fact that he looks at porn for his libido but still chooses to not have a sexual relationship with you.  JuST BECAUSE he watches porn doesn’t mean he ISNT asexual though-in fact he probably is- since he doesn’t desire sexual interactions with you or anyone.  

I know it probably causes you emotional pain to know he watches porn yet still rejects you.  You can choose to believe very little of what he says at this point, since he’s been dishonest with you in the past. Or you can choose to accept that what he is telling you in this situation IS truthful.   Sex with you is off the table because he has no desire for partnered sex.  What he watches for his personal needs is another issue and I don’t believe is porn use is negating his need for sex with you at this point.  
What really matters is YOUR needs aren’t going to be met with the arrangements.  He has released you to have a sexual relationship with someone else but you don’t want this, and i totally understand.  Finding an acceptable sexual partner in this situation is probably not going to be easy anyway.
  My best advice is to focus on YOUR actions from here, along with clear communication, of course. You don’t have to remain in an unhappy situation.  Until you can work through the acceptance phase of your situational grief though, I know it will be difficult.   Hang in there. 

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12 hours ago, Jrae01 said:

Anyway, normally i wouldn't care so much about the porn but seeing as he was using it and not being with me just makes it unacceptable to me. 

 

However, now that he says he's asexual, I'm wondering if I should be okay with this now?

I guess it depends on what "okay" means. You can't change other people, in the end. You could be "okay, I'll find someone else, you do you and I'll do me", and not "okay, I will still love you and am committed to living with this relationship indefinitely".

 

12 hours ago, Jrae01 said:

Should he be able to take care of his need using porn while my needs are not being met? Especially seeing as he has given me an open marriage but I'm choosing not to play that card. 

 

I just don't know what to think. He lied and hid this from me for so long.

I think the lying was the rejection. At some point it's not your job to make things work with him, he broke trust in a major way. I think it's probably not going to be repaired by either choice now (asking him to stop, or letting him do his thing). I think if he wants to try to rebuild trust, it's on him. Not your job.

And facing that hurts, because it's a rejection. To me, his solution sounds like a lazy one that communicates a lack of respect for you and your happiness ("go have sex with others" rather than "let's talk to a therapist to find what will rebuild trust and make our relationship a happy one"). Because I think it's not the porn itself, or the sex, but the whole experience you've had of pain and lies. I think it's something too deep and complex, no single act is likely to repair it.

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Normally I consider porn use to be OK unless (and that is a critical "unless") it interferes with a couple's sex life. When possible asexuality is in the picture, things become very fuzzy.  If he wasn't watching porn, would he desire you?  He may not know himself - porn addition is a real thing, and it can distract from interest in real partners. 

 

I completely share your feelings that his watching porn while turning you down is very painful. 

 

That said, maybe you have to fall  back on considering you options. For whatever reasons, he does not want sex with you, he watches porn, and there is not much likelihood that will change.  There is nothing you can do to make someone else change.   You can only decide on your actions. 

 

Leave?  Open marriage?  Cheat? Live celibate?    They are all really bad options, but I think that they are what are open to you.  

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Lying, yes that is wrong. But also a major issue that he fails to meet OP in her sexual frustration and help her with finding a solution. He has a good time with his fantasy and no people involved. What about her?

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22 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Lying, yes that is wrong. But also a major issue that he fails to meet OP in her sexual frustration and help her with finding a solution. He has a good time with his fantasy and no people involved. What about her?

He opened it up. But. It's belated, only after being caught and confronted.

I think that given the suffering and lies that happened, just saying that – just giving permission – is unlikely to be enough to repair things.

Reminds me of the Daniel Tiger episode, "Saying I'm Sorry is the First Step"... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oICZVpmtL4c

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OP, what solution do you want ideally from this situation? Thinking of your needs and working backwords might give you an idea on how to resolve this situation.


For example, if your husband apologized and said something like 'I think I might be addicted to porn, I will stop watching it from now on and lets see how I feel sexually after X weeks'. Would something like this be acceptable?

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Although, I dunno how you will find out if he is again lying or really not looking at porn.

How do people who have caught their partner cheating/lying figure out if the partner is still lying/cheating after they have said they wont do it?

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what does asking the internet the same question again going to do for you? this is something you need to work together on, accept, or go your own way. 

 

if you don't want to just accept the situation you are in then just continuing to ask the internet for feedback isn't going to get you anywhere. we can't help you unless you are willing to help yourself.

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I think people on the internet can affirm pain and help someone work through grief, @gisiebob.

 

I think sometimes grief means asking the same questions again in slightly different ways, because all the answers so far hurt.

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10 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I think people on the internet can affirm pain and help someone work through grief, @gisiebob.

 

I think sometimes grief means asking the same questions again in slightly different ways, because all the answers so far hurt.

grief is fine and beautiful, but when it breeds inaction that perpetuates more grief it should not be tolerated. I had not read the other thread where at least some constructive work had been expressed in my previous post.

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Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to read and respond with as much patience, compassion and understanding as possible. I truly appreciate it.   This is the worst thing I've ever been through and I have some difficult decisions to make.  Considering the nature of the situatuon, I have nobody I can talk to about these things, so coming here to vent and get other's thoughts on the matter has been a godsend. 

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6 hours ago, Chihiro said:

Although, I dunno how you will find out if he is again lying or really not looking at porn.

How do people who have caught their partner cheating/lying figure out if the partner is still lying/cheating after they have said they wont do it?

Well... with addicts... it tends to come out eventually because they are unable to control it enough to do it only when appropriate and end up not hiding it well enough. 

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  • 3 months later...
On 1/17/2020 at 12:19 PM, anisotrophic said:

I think sometimes grief means asking the same questions again in slightly different ways, because all the answers so far hurt.

I'm saving that quote.  Yes.  You deserve royalties for that nugget. 

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