Help? Im sad. Ha.

[Xoxljc]

Hi!! sorry about the length. I do hope someone takes the time to read my dilemma, but if not, all good ! I’m also not sure if this is the right forum under which to place my ramblings/questions, but here we go.

 

 I haven’t been on aven in such a long time, but I have thoughts to share. today my friend told me she had watched an interesting video about asexuality with her boyfriend. This took me WAY aback - I hadnt ever told her about my hidden asexuality. She then said, “i was thinking maybe that YOU’RE asexual.” And then for the first time ever, I used the word “asexual” outloud in conversation with a friend. I told her that she is absolutely correct, I am asexual. We had a pretty positive conversation about it, but for some reason the casual nature of her words made me feel a pang of discomfort.

 

I hated talking about it with her. I couldn’t open up to her fully; I could not disclose to true depths of my dark and lonely thoughts. I’m supposed to be the funny, light friend. It was then that I realized the reason I hated talking about this so much was that I had been suppressing my asexuality, even though I’ve identified with the term inside my head for years now (I am 17).

 

All this time, I told myself I had a healthy, happy mindset. I believed I had accepted my asexuality, it was something I could not change, and therefore I did not need to think about it often or dwell on it...at all. I dont know whether my subconscious mind was at play here, but I certainly painted myself a falsely bejeweled, pretty-sounding justification for my fear of truly confronting my asexuality, especially throughout the past year. By convincing myself that I didn’t need to think about it, and that it was not a big part of my life, I successfully buried it inside the darkest corner of my brain’s file cabinet. 

 

I cried in the bathroom at school today. I don’t know why the conversation affected me so much. I don’t want to confront being asexual. 

 

This is a truly horrible and short-sighted mindset, but it’s where I’m currently at: i can’t have sex, and therefore I will never live a happy, normal life. This is also a bizarre thing to say, but: I am sexually attractive. I do receive attention from guys. They often perceive my friendliness for flirting, and I end up losing people for it. Additionally, i ENJOY some of the attention I have received. And mostly, i enjoy having a crush. And when i fall for someone, i fall very very hard. 

 

Sorry about the emotional tangents in this post. I’m very lost right now.

 

 I guess what I’m searching for is some validation. I also want to know how and where to start accepting myself. How have other people learned to accept it?  And as for romantic relationships - because I want to have them in my life - how should an asexual go about doing this? 

 

Sorry for my scattered thoughts. Have a good day.

[Yeast]

20 minutes ago, Xoxljc said:

i can’t have sex, and therefore I will never live a happy, normal life.

Golly. Who told you this? The truth is that you don't want sex. Neither did I. w Now what the hell is normal, anyway?? Remember puberty? I'm going through reverse puberty. Shingles et. all.  The last 5 years of my life have reshaped my concept of what "normal" actually is. I've lived all my life as a virgin. Technically asexual. That may be changing along with my hormonal levels. I'm beginning to think I've been a repressed homosexual all my life. I'm finding I'm attracted to young men. Not too surprising. Google Sparta.  A younger friend of mine may eventually reveal a sexual attraction to me. If so, maybe this will be even more happiness in my life. I suppose the point is that one can be happy with or without sex.  I was for half a century.  Anybody can be. Time is relative. 

[Scribbles]

You are you. Awesome you. Yeah, I'm not trying to regurgitate some generic bullshit advice that literally every children's cartoon says at one point or another, but it is true, though perhaps I should rephrase it.

 

No one is perfect as they are. There's always room for improvement. But you were a complete person the second you came into this world, sexual attraction or not. You never have to come out to anyone if you don't want to, but it is imperative that you find a way to accept yourself. And how you come to terms with your identity is ultimately up to you. You are allowed to be sad, angry, happy, whatever you're feeling, but find healthy ways to cope with all of it.

 

You don't owe anyone sex, an apology, or an explanation about why. You do need to ask questions about why your identity and conversations about it make you uncomfortable. I'm not going to pretend like I know, because only you do. Be patient, give yourself plenty of time. You have plenty on your side. (Ha, I'm 19! Don't know why I'm talking like I've been around for 45 years.) Oh, and like @Yeast said, there is no normal, these days. Hell, I'm ace, my brother's gay and poly, my mom's a vegetarian, obsessed with our dogs, my dad is sort of the supportive force that sits back and watches us be our weird selves, laughing at our antics... I'm not going to pretend the whole world is supportive, but I will say there is no normal. 

 

And hey! You've got 1% of the human population on your side.