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Learning to see sex from a different view


WinterIsComingSoon

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WinterIsComingSoon

Hey everybody,

so I call myself asexual for most of the time now, even if I'm "blessed" with a high libido and will lose myself in fantasies and porn several times a day. I stopped to have sex with my girlfriend, which I didn't innitiate, want, enjoy, feel depressed about afterwards and got several mental breakdowns with self hurting of it. The aspect of liking masturbation and porn so much and at the same time being very very repulsed of real sex, was really hard for me to accept. I just didn't understand it. So I tryed and tryed, forced and forced myself over the last two years to have sex again and again but it didn't get better. Shortly after she left the house I felt really horny and had an awesome orgasm after another as long as I was alone. As I write this, it still makes me sad, because it feels so lonely and sad, but that's what my inner want so I have to accept it.

 

Anyway, my girlfriend is VERY supportive and told me to not have sex again if I don't want to, she would love me anyway. As I know that she's sexual, I want to compromise and give her a sexual pleasure a few times in month oral. So I don't have to be aroused for it or do anything with my penis. But even THIS repulses me. I learned the repulsion over the past two years by trying and trying again and again which I didn't want I guess. But is there any way to lose this repulsion and see it as just a gift or a joy I give to my girlfriend occassionaly if I please her oral a few times a month? So in general, to come from sex repulsed to neutral?

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Hi Winter, sorry to hear about your struggles.

 

To help us hone in on what the problem might be would you be able to answer a couple questions:

  • Do you find your girlfriend physically attractive - do enjoy looking at her, find her pleasant, arousing, etc.?
  • What sort of porn do you watch and what do the fantasies usually involve? 
  • Can you identify what elements of the sex you find repulsive, is it their genitals, the messiness, etc.

I understand these are personal but perhaps we might be able to pick up on something that's triggering that repulsion.

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SpirallingSnowy

Feel free to ignore me, but could you utilise the porn you like, to assist you? I have found my revulsion to giving oral improved when I was aroused myself. 

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WinterIsComingSoon

Hey,

I can't say that I find her arousing because I just get aroused by porn. I thought about of finding her not so attractive sometimes. Then I think, maybe she got too, sorry to say that, much weight and now she even cut her hair nearly completely. But this is something which wouldn't bother me in a porn so I think it can't be the reason, especially because I love her so much.

 

Physical real people just don't do it for me, they have to be on screens. But then it's really arousing. I look at special fetish porn most times with girls wearing a special piece of clothing. This totally floats my boat. So my girlfriend was happy to hear that at first and also wore this piece of clothing but still I didn't get aroused. I get repulsed of the idea having sex which involves me or even being around another person being aroused around me in real life. If I see a vagina on screen or anything else sex related I instantly get very aroused. But when it comes to real life situations, seeing sex incoming I get short breathing and an inner voice which screams "No!". After everything is over I feel often apathacic or depressed. It's like if I'm around with my girlfriend I can't enter this state of pleasing arousal, it's like a barrier to my feelings there. We also tryed to watch my porn together but I felt very uncomfortable while it. The situation is very messed up and to be honest I'm not very happy about can't sharing my sexual feelings with her but I must accept it. 

 

So I came to the conclusion wanting to just please her but that's still makes me very uncomforarble. The situation seems like running against walls.

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That's a difficult situation. Have you had sex with another people before? Did you feel pleassure on it?

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Hmmm... I'm not a phsychologist so I'm not sure what's going on, but maybe your absence of interest/desire to have sex is due to the high amount of porn that you use. I've read it's a symptom of the so called "porn addiction". It would be fine to look for some professional's help.

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1 hour ago, flacomedicen said:

Hmmm... I'm not a phsychologist so I'm not sure what's going on, but maybe your absence of interest/desire to have sex is due to the high amount of porn that you use. I've read it's a symptom of the so called "porn addiction". It would be fine to look for some professional's help.

It can be. Porn consumption in high volume can make people just not into real people.. only way to know if it has anything to do with it is to stop using it for a while (few months). As in completely stop. But, addicts are unable to do that often as they need the dopamine rush. 

 

But... asexuals can also be into porn and just not sex. So. Depends. And no real way for us to know. 

 

 

 

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Janus the Fox
21 hours ago, Serran said:

It can be. Porn consumption in high volume can make people just not into real people.. only way to know if it has anything to do with it is to stop using it for a while (few months). As in completely stop. But, addicts are unable to do that often as they need the dopamine rush. 

 

But... asexuals can also be into porn and just not sex. So. Depends. And no real way for us to know. 

 

 

 

Definitely, when the porn use becomes so heavy, it becomes necessary to need more extreme and fetishistic verities to get the same level of pleasure.  It can begin to affect a persons perception of normal sex and relationships, it becomes like a drug that exceeds the need to relieve a libido.

 

It varies and depends on the person probably.  There’s communities dedicated out there to limit and stop porn use and develop a healthier relationship with sex and relationships.

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