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lunni

Hi! This is my rant!

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lunni

I just really wanna get this all off my chest. And say hello! 

Hello! 

I became a member a couple years ago when I first started realizing I'm on the ace spectrum. That's the term I prefer to use, I'm somewhere around demisexual I guess but "on the spectrum" just feels better. For a while I just didn't feel "ace enough" but by now I've realized that since I relate to at least half of what aces tend to talk about I'm valid enough to be here. 

In this rant I mostly talk about sex, experiences and thoughts around that, so if you'd rather not then we've said hi and that's all good! 

(let me know if this should be in the grey forum instead) 

 

 

For a really long part of my life I just did what was expected of me. I knew when I was 12 that kissing boys and girls felt the same so I just figured I was bi, I told myself that that means I can choose (hello internalized biphobia) and I just chose to be straight bc that'd be easier. Yikes. When I turned 22 I was finally single for the first time in almost 10 years I started my self discovery journey. And so many ace things apply to me. 

I never understood why sex would be cheating to my partners, because sex doesn't mean anything? I found it quite boring and I'd like to have a movie playing on the TV so I'd have something to watch during. I masturbated during my teens but these past 4 years I've tried to only do it when I want to and it's rarely. 

The thing is, I want to feel sexual attraction. It seems so fun. And the few times I've felt it it's been really powerful and exciting. I wish I could feel it more. I used to force myself to masturbate more often because it'd "make my libido go up". I've really tried. And I do feel it, sometimes. It just goes away the second our clothes come off. And in order to even get to that point I need to be fully emotionally invested in that person and trust them completely. Which isn't happening either. I really wanna fall in love and I know I'm not aro, but it just takes such a commitment and so much time for me to develop those feelings that most people just assume I'm not interested and we're just friends before I've even had the chance to develop enough feelings to see if there is something. Or, the other option, I fall immediately for some bad guy/girl that's just not good for me emotionally. Once I am attracted to someone's personality I start having fantasies about them, but it's almost always just making out or casual pda. I love intimate cuddling, I crave it but I'm so uncomfortable doing that with my friends and like I said, it's so hard to find a Person to be that intimate with. It's always a worry that people will misunderstand and start trying to do foreplay and lead into sex and I still have a very hard time saying no because "this is what's expected of me and what I should be doing". I'm aware now though and I'm working on it. 

Even worse, one of the few intimate things I definitely know I enjoy is non sexual kink. How the fuck can I find someone out there who is kinky and won't miss sex. How. And on top of that I'm an empath and it takes me so long to trust people and I've been used so many times and ugh. 

In a way I'm really glad I don't feel a need to have sex because it'd only increase my troubles. I never just. Wanna have sex. I don't feel that drive at all. I can feel it about kink and cuddling but sex? Nah. It can be asexuality combined with trauma of all the sex I've had that I actually didn't wanna have, or just either. I don't know. And it doesn't really matter in the end. 

I like being viewed as sexy, I love flirting. As long as it doesn't have consequences, because then I'm immediately turned off. When I do have sexual fantasies I'm never included. I'm trying to watch less porn when I do masturbate to try and become more attuned to having sexual things happen to me, but it usually goes away when I try and fantasize about myself. I think I've managed once or twice (only without other people in that case..). I'm just really trying to feel sexual attraction and writing this out I'm realizing that maybe I just can't change myself. I really want to. I really really do. And part of me says that this is just a phase and it's trauma and once I'm grounded and love myself fully all this will come to me. Love and sex and all those glorified things. I want my life to be the rom com happily ever after. 

Anyway. 

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam, wow, that's been weighing on me for a while. I have a friend who's ace but they're completely ace and doesn't relate to my gray musings and concerns so I can't discuss this with them at all. Also it feels weird to talk about masturbating with people I actually know... Hundreds of strangers is definitely better.. Which is weird haha but hey anonymity goes a long way! 

 

 

Thanks for giving me the space to get this off my chest. I wanna bake everyone here a cake. 

Thanks for reading, much love. 

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Custard Cream

Hello and welcome.  I'm so glad you've found us, and hope you will enjoy being part of this community!

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Iam9man

@lunni Welcome! 🍰

 

Thanks for sharing. That was eye-opening. I fully relate to almost everything you shared. In my case I’ve ultimately settled on sex-favourable asexual, as I found it to be the most accurate way of describing this nebulous thing that is sexuality. The only major difference I experience is that I don’t grow attracted to people; I’m either attracted or not, but never sexually.

 

Based on what you shared, you may relate to the parts of the following thread. Good luck with your journey!

 

 

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lunni
6 hours ago, Custard Cream said:

Hello and welcome.  I'm so glad you've found us, and hope you will enjoy being part of this community!

Thank you very much! I'm sure I will! 

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lunni

 

6 hours ago, Iam9man said:

@lunni Welcome! 🍰

 

Thanks for sharing. That was eye-opening. I fully relate to almost everything you shared. In my case I’ve ultimately settled on sex-favourable asexual, as I found it to be the most accurate way of describing this nebulous thing that is sexuality. The only major difference I experience is that I don’t grow attracted to people; I’m either attracted or not, but never sexually.

 

Based on what you shared, you may relate to the parts of the following thread. Good luck with your journey!

 

 

Oh my god, thank you. I never found anyone who feels like I do, and both your comment and the thread you linked made me feel so validated. Thank you so much! Opening up was scary but so worth it. 

As long as we find comfort within ourselves I don't think we need definite answers. And knowing I'm finally not alone definitely gives me comfort. 

Thank you. 

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Lichley

Welcome! Hey sometimes a rant to strangers is what you really need every once in a while. A third party that won’t judge you is really good for helping you sort through your emotions. 

chocolate-chocolate+cake.jpg

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