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Aka El

Exploring sexuality as a Transgender person

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Aka El

Hi there! My name is El I am currently exploring the idea of Asexuality and Aromanticism (is that the word?). My thoughts aren't the most concise but I'm mostly looking for other people's stories and thoughts as a way to evaluate my own so feel free to share even if this all makes no sense to you XD.

 

SO. I have been aware of Asexuality and Aromanticism (I'm just gonna go with that until someone corrects me) for about a year or so and my understanding of both has grown as I have continued my journey for self discovery and met new and interesting people. I have also been aware, for some time now, that something has been making me uncomfortable in the majority (if not all) of my sexual and romantic experiences.

 

I'll explain the romantic side of things first as I have a (slightly) better grasp of it. Most of my relationships have, after a few weeks, lost their initial "joy" or "spark" in a way that goes beyond simply leaving the honeymoon or "puppy love" stage. Initially everything is amazing and it's like having a friend who I can be intimate with (hugging, cuddling, etc) without feeling awkward. Then, as things go on, I start to lose that feeling and I become uncomfortable showing or receiving that same affection, especially when around other people (although that's more of a social anxiety thing), and the relationship tends to end some time after that.

I think that one of the causes for this is my Dysphoria. It has a lot to do with gender roles and the way that my partner sees me (or how I perceive them to see me) and my "jealousy" (can't think of a better word) of their body as most of my past relationships have been with cis-gendered women, though some of my past partners now identify as non binary.

I also have experience with Depression which can certainly curb many of the activities I usually find enjoyable so it stands to reason that my mental health could be affecting my feelings in these situations.

The reason that I'm exploring the idea of being demi or aromantic is because I feel like the last 2 things only adress a part of the underlying discomfort I have been feeling.

 

Sexual stuff now so fair warning! (I'll try to avoid too much detail)

 

Continuing from the last part here; I have a similar, though much more immediate, reaction to sexual experiences/relationships. It starts with me being aesthetically attracted to a person or emotionally attracted to them (I experience very heightened emotions so this is basically all of my friends) and this sometimes builds into what I have been thinking was sexual attraction. As it stands, I can only compare this feeling to similar emotional ones and I assumed before, because of my lack of knowledge, that this must be sexual. Not sure I can explain it much better than that so I'll just move on for now.

When this leads to sexual activities, I tend to experience a whole bunch of emotions depending on the situation but all have 3 feelings in common: Not sure this is a great feeling, that often gets ignored unhealthily or forgotten when it becomes, ooh okay I guess/this is exciting, which is puberty and biology at work, and then oh shit I don't feel good now, kinda wish that hadn't happened, which could also be because of the aforementioned Dysphoria or Depression.

Even the experiences I've had with people I deeply cared for or trusted have been this way and while I can stave off the last feeling for a time, it has always shown up which is why I'm exploring the idea of being demi or gray-asexual.

 

My question is for anyone really, but if there are any trans folks who have had similar experiences or have any insight on the subject I would love to know! My worry is that my dysphoria and/or depression are causing me to dislike, fear and even hate sex and sexual activities, and that I simply won't be able to partake in them without causing minor trauma to myself until I have had bottom surgery (which isn't even on the horizon as I haven't even started properly considering or even applying for HRT). I'm not asking anyone to out right tell me what label I should identify with, but feel free to share your own or what your impression of this experience is (i.e suggest as much as you want but kindly refrain from deciding for me).

 

Also:

 

DzYNi6wWsAABiY7.jpg:large

 

Non-Binary heart ❤️

Edited by Elliot (aka El)

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi El!

That seems like a bit of complicated situation. I can relate a little bit to some things, though for me I lumped it in as part of my depression maybe? Not my dysphoria. Like some things are able to get past the dampening walls and they feel good in the burst phase, but then as it settles it's not strong enough to get past my lack of drive. But everyone's different of course and it really sounds hard to know what's always going on, but I do hope you keep exploring and trying to understand yourself, I'm sure there's lots you didn't know before but do now, so keep going :)

I do get envious of women and it may affect me in some ways. I could see it being a factor too in some cases. Luckily for me,  the person I'm getting closer to right now is trans as well and that might actually make it easier on me when it comes to how I feel. Being with a  cis woman wouldn't be enough to make me stop have feelings for her, but it could affect my own feelings about myself, so again I think it's possible, but it'd be uniquely because of how you are and feel about things, I think, that it'd affect you that way, if it's the case.

I don't think I saw something that leads to being demisexual, since you said the sexual(?) attraction was there at first, but then things peeter off. I could also be that the attraction is what drives the romantic feelings (or otherwise), but then you don't connect deeper or closer to develop more romantic feelings. Maybe they weren't your type, or maybe there's something else going on?  I'm just speculating a bit, it's hard to say too much for now :P
I'll look to hear what else you say. I gotta go for now :)

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Aka El
4 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi El!

That seems like a bit of complicated situation. I can relate a little bit to some things, though for me I lumped it in as part of my depression maybe? Not my dysphoria. Like some things are able to get past the dampening walls and they feel good in the burst phase, but then as it settles it's not strong enough to get past my lack of drive. But everyone's different of course and it really sounds hard to know what's always going on, but I do hope you keep exploring and trying to understand yourself, I'm sure there's lots you didn't know before but do now, so keep going :)

I do get envious of women and it may affect me in some ways. I could see it being a factor too in some cases. Luckily for me,  the person I'm getting closer to right now is trans as well and that might actually make it easier on me when it comes to how I feel. Being with a  cis woman wouldn't be enough to make me stop have feelings for her, but it could affect my own feelings about myself, so again I think it's possible, but it'd be uniquely because of how you are and feel about things, I think, that it'd affect you that way, if it's the case.

I don't think I saw something that leads to being demisexual, since you said the sexual(?) attraction was there at first, but then things peeter off. I could also be that the attraction is what drives the romantic feelings (or otherwise), but then you don't connect deeper or closer to develop more romantic feelings. Maybe they weren't your type, or maybe there's something else going on?  I'm just speculating a bit, it's hard to say too much for now :P
I'll look to hear what else you say. I gotta go for now :)

Thank you! I forgot to mention my depression even though it effects me in the same or a similar way, so definitely something I should keep in mind. It's great to hear that someone understands that part of my situation even if I wish no one would have to experience it in the first place so thank you for sharing.

 

Also, to clarify, I'm not entirely sure how to define my initial attraction. I think it could be purely an aesthetic one with a similar reaction to sexual attraction in the brain department (i.e getting that butterfly, hyper feeling and confusing the cause of it) but it could totally just be me confusing myself because of all the other things going so I'm not defining it either way for the moment.

 

Again, thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it and I wish you the best on your own endeavors ❤️

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mintteaa
1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Being with a  cis woman wouldn't be enough to make me stop have feelings for her, but it could affect my own feelings about myself, so again I think it's possible, but it'd be uniquely because of how you are and feel about things, I think, that it'd affect you that way, if it's the case.

Hey, if you're comfortable could you maybe elaborate on how being with a cis woman could affect your feelings about yourself? I'm a cis girl dating a trans girl, and while I know everyone is different and my girlfriend and I are pretty good at communication, I'm curious about what your experience might be. I know this is personal, and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
2 hours ago, Aka El said:

Thank you! I forgot to mention my depression even though it effects me in the same or a similar way, so definitely something I should keep in mind. It's great to hear that someone understands that part of my situation even if I wish no one would have to experience it in the first place so thank you for sharing.

 

Also, to clarify, I'm not entirely sure how to define my initial attraction. I think it could be purely an aesthetic one with a similar reaction to sexual attraction in the brain department (i.e getting that butterfly, hyper feeling and confusing the cause of it) but it could totally just be me confusing myself because of all the other things going so I'm not defining it either way for the moment.

 

Again, thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it and I wish you the best on your own endeavors ❤️

Hey glad it helped. And don't be shy to share more, especially if you think it could clarify some things about you.

Depression can definitely affect some things, and if it's one way or another tied to dysphoria (which it can be, since it's kinda depressing XD), then that can be a factor. When we're more towards our best, feeling better, our feelings usually flow more naturally :)

I think  I get what you mean about the feeling (getting the butterflies), and that does make me think it's partly tied to romantic attraction. And I think it's normal for another attraction to sometimes make it kick up. I think that if a part of you is relying on that feeling to tap into feeling connected or close to someone, it can make it hard to like them for them sometimes? Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but definitely possible. It'd be interesting if you were demiromantic, but still had the initial 'crush' feeling that you can't rely on because you don't get to know someone deep enough to connect and like them deeper. Again, my random speculation :P
 

 

1 hour ago, mintteaa said:

Hey, if you're comfortable could you maybe elaborate on how being with a cis woman could affect your feelings about yourself? I'm a cis girl dating a trans girl, and while I know everyone is different and my girlfriend and I are pretty good at communication, I'm curious about what your experience might be. I know this is personal, and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable. 

Well going a bit with what was said before, I think it's normal for a trans girl to be at least a little envious of how a cis girl is. I kinda wish I was born a girl, and I know quite a few trans people who feel the same, so being with a cis girl can sometimes be a reminder of something like that. I know that in my case, my aesthetic attraction to girls is a little mixed with feminine image, so I can sometimes feel like an 'inferior' girl. I mean all women want to be pretty, and sometimes compare themselves to one they feel are prettier, but for some trans women, it goes a little further than that, maybe not feeling like they're living up to their image of femininity. I know I feel that way, but I can only speak for me, even if I know some others who feel a little similarly. I've been told  by a few people that I could look like a beautiful woman, but I have trouble seeing that, I've known my body as a guy, and I can feel inadequate as a woman,you know?
It makes me a little emotional talking about it, but that's just my honest feelings. I don't know how much applies to others, but  I hope they can help you understand a little what I meant. thanks for listening.

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Aka El
20 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hey glad it helped. And don't be shy to share more, especially if you think it could clarify some things about you.

Depression can definitely affect some things, and if it's one way or another tied to dysphoria (which it can be, since it's kinda depressing XD), then that can be a factor. When we're more towards our best, feeling better, our feelings usually flow more naturally :)

I think  I get what you mean about the feeling (getting the butterflies), and that does make me think it's partly tied to romantic attraction. And I think it's normal for another attraction to sometimes make it kick up. I think that if a part of you is relying on that feeling to tap into feeling connected or close to someone, it can make it hard to like them for them sometimes? Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but definitely possible. It'd be interesting if you were demiromantic, but still had the initial 'crush' feeling that you can't rely on because you don't get to know someone deep enough to connect and like them deeper. Again, my random speculation :P

Thank you again for your amazing and interesting thoughts! I think that I resonate with a lot of what you were saying there but I'll have to go think about exactly which parts make sense for me personally as I also just enjoyed reading it all.

 

I think I'll elaborate a bit more on the other factors, like depression and dysphoria, once I know a bit more about them in regards to myself. As it stands I'm still figuring it all out (and forever will be) but I'm starting to think about talking to a professional *gasp* sometime in the future (I am an extremely stubborn human being so it's taken me like a decade to start considering therapy 😆).

 

That last sentence made a thingy in my brain go "bing!" so I think that it's hitting close to either describing me, or describing a feeling or fear I have that has a lot to do with internalised expectations about relationships and love. It could also totally be both, or sort've neither, so I'm glad your ruminations have sparked something in me and at some point I will contribute more of my own thoughts to the conversation too 😂

 

(Also, I'm going to continue to use butterflies to describe that feeling cuz it's cute ☺️)

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Bloc

I just want to add my perspective briefly. I can write more later.

 

I am questioning for a while if being asexual is only caused by my dysphoria. Being sexual with someone can be pleasurable and nice but from one second to another it can happen that I dissociate and it feels like I am not in my body. This happens when I get the feeling that I am pushed into a "male" role which can be little like the position.

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Aka El
On 1/18/2020 at 12:00 AM, Bloc said:

I just want to add my perspective briefly. I can write more later.

 

I am questioning for a while if being asexual is only caused by my dysphoria. Being sexual with someone can be pleasurable and nice but from one second to another it can happen that I dissociate and it feels like I am not in my body. This happens when I get the feeling that I am pushed into a "male" role which can be little like the position.

I hear yah, that’s basically where my current train of thought is at the moment as well. I think that mental health (and more specifically dysphoria) is something that will definitely complicate my ability to discern my level of sexuality/romanticism, but I don’t believe it will make it impossible (just a lot of work) so I hope that will be the case with you too 😊

 

Hopefully my rambling ruminations here will be of some use in that endeavour, and the input of other folks will definitely help us all at least feel some kinship in the struggle so I appreciate yours 💜

 

(Edit: That got really wordy and stuff but basically, I feel yah, thank you and you’re awesome)

Edited by Aka El
Speaking too much jargon

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Bloc

I know better now what is triggering my dysphoria and can recognize early signs before it gets worse. Then I or my partner can change what we do. But I need to be able to completely trust my partner that they'll respond when I tell them that I don't like what they are doing and that they don't take offense by it. For me it is much easier to develop this trust with other trans people than with cis people especially cis men. I've dated only one cis man. With him I would have been comfortable enough to have sex, but for other reasons it didn't work out.

 

There are a few cis male friends I would be open to trying sex together. With queer cis women I feel connected on some level but I would not care to ask them out, because I fear they would not want to be with a trans femme who has not done any medical transition steps. Straight women like gay men want a male partner which I can't be and their expectations are likely triggering dysphoria in me. Also with cis people I have the fear that I would be a man to them which I don't have with trans people

 

 

I am questioning if I am bi- or pansexual and not grey asexual. I know I find people attractive regardless their gender, but I am more drawn to androgynous or femme gender expressions than to the jock type masculinity. However mucular men who are tender and don't have to proof their masculinity have a strong appeal to me, like some butch women.

 

What makes it more complicated is the question what is sex. When is it heavy making out and when is it sex? I had this with a partner. For it was sex for them it was just making out. But I came to the conclusion that this is not an important question between partners. It is better to be more specific what you want to do like I want you to touch me here or I like to touch you there. The communication can be non-verbal. What is important is that everyone involved enjoys it. Orgasms are nice but they are not the end goal.

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Aka El
On 1/27/2020 at 10:20 PM, Bloc said:

I know better now what is triggering my dysphoria and can recognize early signs before it gets worse. Then I or my partner can change what we do. But I need to be able to completely trust my partner that they'll respond when I tell them that I don't like what they are doing and that they don't take offense by it. For me it is much easier to develop this trust with other trans people than with cis people especially cis men. I've dated only one cis man. With him I would have been comfortable enough to have sex, but for other reasons it didn't work out.

 

There are a few cis male friends I would be open to trying sex together. With queer cis women I feel connected on some level but I would not care to ask them out, because I fear they would not want to be with a trans femme who has not done any medical transition steps. Straight women like gay men want a male partner which I can't be and their expectations are likely triggering dysphoria in me. Also with cis people I have the fear that I would be a man to them which I don't have with trans people

 

 

I am questioning if I am bi- or pansexual and not grey asexual. I know I find people attractive regardless their gender, but I am more drawn to androgynous or femme gender expressions than to the jock type masculinity. However mucular men who are tender and don't have to proof their masculinity have a strong appeal to me, like some butch women.

 

What makes it more complicated is the question what is sex. When is it heavy making out and when is it sex? I had this with a partner. For it was sex for them it was just making out. But I came to the conclusion that this is not an important question between partners. It is better to be more specific what you want to do like I want you to touch me here or I like to touch you there. The communication can be non-verbal. What is important is that everyone involved enjoys it. Orgasms are nice but they are not the end goal.

I don’t exactly have to brain power or energy atm to respond properly to all of that but I just wanted to let you know that I resonated with a lot of it and agreed with the rest 😆.

 

I always appreciate people sharing and I wish I could respond properly but for now you’ll just have my appreciation 💜

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Bloc
5 hours ago, Aka El said:

I don’t exactly have to brain power or energy atm to respond properly to all of that but I just wanted to let you know that I resonated with a lot of it and agreed with the rest 😆.

I can relate. This is a difficult topic to speak about. But I believe speaking about it helps to sort your feelings, at least it does for me.

 

Another point I can't believe I forgot. I just put it in spoilers because it is more explicitly about sex.

Spoiler

Having sex would be much nicer if there would be no dick down there or if at least there were no erections. Now I have the difficulty of having to make sure that the dick is not in the way, as being touched there is one of the biggest turn offs for me. It just feels totally wrong even if it is accidentally. Without an erections touch doesn't feel as wrong.

 

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