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like a foreigner

Sexuality explained to asexuals

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like a foreigner

Hi everybody!

 

I am an asexual in a relationship with a sexual person for a bit more than 6 months now. 

As it is my very first relationship, i felt the need to  read a lot about asexuality and how to handle it. Since i don't know any other asexual person, I have been looking on the internet (especially on forums) for some information and feedback. 

The point is: I found a lot of website trying to explain asexuality to sexual people. But what I need is an explanation of sexuality for asexuals. Indeed, I don't get it. At all. Why do some people like sex? What drives them? How do they feel when they say "I want to have sex with you"? 

 

Thanks for you help!

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CBC
3 hours ago, like a foreigner said:

Why do some people like sex?

Anything from "it feels good and it's fun" to "it's an intimate act of deep and loving connection" (and, you know, generally feels good and is fun in those situations as well). We're wired to enjoy it both physically and psychologically.

 

3 hours ago, like a foreigner said:

What drives them?

Here ya go.

 

20 Reasons Why People Have Sex

 

Personally I have sex because I like the emotional closeness and vulnerability, the sense of being as physically close as possible to someone I love, and because it feels good and I like making someone else feel good and that makes it an enjoyable thing to do with my partner.

 

3 hours ago, like a foreigner said:

How do they feel when they say "I want to have sex with you"?

I'm not really sure what you're asking exactly? When I indicate that I want to have sex with someone, I suppose I... feel hopeful that they want to have sex with me as well? If someone says that to me and it's someone I have feelings for, it feels good because it's nice to be wanted. I wouldn't be particularly thrilled if someone said that based solely on physical attributes, though; I need some sort of interpersonal rapport based on who both of us are as people. When that exists, it's flattering to be wanted by someone you know has feelings for you.

 

Also though, I'm pretty sure most people don't use that exact phrase. "I want to have sex with you." It's a bit socially awkward. It's normally indicated by other verbal and physical cues, or just the phrase "I want you". I mean, I've had private conversations with more explicit language than that as well, but rarely does anyone say "I want to have sex with you".

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gisiebob

ok. um. let's try this.

here is an image I am pretty sure you will find pleasing:
 

Spoiler

a69ccda4c3970334a528788372b035fd.jpg


but...I don't know why it would be pleasing. there is something deep within the human mind that most of the time when the geometric aspects going on there are presented to it it says "YES" like some sort of internet shiba inu

but it is pretty, isn't it?

we are strange computers, with strange programing to get us doing the sort of things it seems like are a good idea for us to do.

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CBC

That's a decent enough analogy for just not liking something that lots of other people like I guess, but it doesn't give the OP any insight into their specific questions.

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Snao Cone

Do you ever get cravings for certain foods, or feel like you need release through a certain activity? Is there any song you ever feel you need to listen to for you to get some kind of feeling of release or enjoyment? That's how I understand sexuality as felt by other people. There's variation in the range, intensity, frequency, and depth of sexual attraction or desire, just as for these other things. 

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anisotrophic

As a sexual with a partner who identifies as sex-indifferent asexual, I'd say the really driving factor for me is the vulnerability of sex – in me being vulnerable to another, and another choosing to be vulnerable to me – is a core part of how I express love and feel loved.

There are other reasons for sex. But "connection to love" is a major factor for sex within ongoing relationships.

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like a foreigner

Thanks to all of you for your answers!

 

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like a foreigner
7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

As a sexual with a partner who identifies as sex-indifferent asexual, I'd say the really driving factor for me is the vulnerability of sex – in me being vulnerable to another, and another choosing to be vulnerable to me – is a core part of how I express love and feel loved.

This is a really interesting point of view, which particularly caught my attention. I like your use of the word "vulnerability".

With regard to sexuality, I would have never imagined vulnerability to be a positive and reciprocal thing. On the contrary, in what I imagine of sex between a man and a woman, the woman is vulnerable to the man (in a rather negative way) but not the other way around. I know this representation is (certainly) wrong, and I would like to get rid of it, but it is not that easy to get rid of something which is deep in your mind...

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CBC
29 minutes ago, like a foreigner said:

On the contrary, in what I imagine of sex between a man and a woman, the woman is vulnerable to the man (in a rather negative way) but not the other way around. I know this representation is (certainly) wrong, and I would like to get rid of it, but it is not that easy to get rid of something which is deep in your mind...

I think at least in very traditionally-structured heterosexual relationships, that's probably true to some extent. Although no, it doesn't have to be. Likely highly dependent on the personalities of the individuals involved.

 

But yeah, with the right connection, I enjoy the vulnerability aspect. (Although I'm not in a heterosexual relationship.)

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Serran
3 hours ago, like a foreigner said:

This is a really interesting point of view, which particularly caught my attention. I like your use of the word "vulnerability".

With regard to sexuality, I would have never imagined vulnerability to be a positive and reciprocal thing. On the contrary, in what I imagine of sex between a man and a woman, the woman is vulnerable to the man (in a rather negative way) but not the other way around. I know this representation is (certainly) wrong, and I would like to get rid of it, but it is not that easy to get rid of something which is deep in your mind...

Mmm. A man is vulnerable during sex as well as the woman. As far as emotion, both can be deeply hurt. And as for physical, while the woman is being penetrated in PiV in typical cishet setups, the man can still be injured if she wanted to... and with woman on top position his consent can be easily violated. 

 

But when it all comes together and trust is given and everything is respected and it's a nice safe bubble of connection and shared pleasure and desire, the vulnerability is rather nice. You are revealing yourself to a partner in such a personal way and safe to do so.  

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Philip027

I'm having somewhat of an eureka moment in this thread.

 

It's occurring to me that a very likely reason/contributor to not really being able to get that whole "vulnerable (but safe)" feeling from sexual interactions that people seem to find desirable is because... I don't feel particularly attached to my body or particularly care how "vulnerable" it is.  Which kind of falls in line with a number of trans experiences I've witnessed who've encountered sexual difficulties as a result of their trans-ness (including how this issue tends to resolve itself once/if they do start to feel more comfortable with their bodies, such as following physical transition).

 

I know I *can* get that feeling, because I have/do through other forms of emotional intimacy -- it's just that it seems sex isn't and hasn't ever been one of the ways I go about it.  And as a result of the above combined with being (as far as I can tell) agender, I also get the feeling it won't ever be one of the ways I go about it, either.

 

Different strokes for different folks, as the song goes.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

There was another thread I've contributed in recently where someone was essentially asking me, "what makes you "agender" instead of "cis" if you still more or less socially identify based on your birth sex?" Well, here's one of the big reasons.  It isn't just all about pronouns, people.

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Guest

I was wondering the exact same thing.

But you know when people love each other they feel the need to have sex with each other. Because that’s love to them and they feel attracted to each other. And most people see it as normal. But i can’t see what’s normal i mean just because we don’t want to have sex doesn't mean that we’re mentally ill or sad or anything like this. That’s why i hate when people say that sex is healthy and that you can’t live without it. LIKE COME ON, VEGETABLES AND  EXERCISING ARE HEALTHIER THAN ANYTHING ELSE! And how many people are dead because they didn’t had sex? Like calm down people can’t we just be ourselves?

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CBC

People shouldn't be forcing the idea that sex is vital on anyone who's asexual, but for most of us it is healthy. It's a significant plus for my psychological health (as are other things, too).

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ryn2
4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

It's occurring to me that a very likely reason/contributor to not really being able to get that whole "vulnerable (but safe)" feeling from sexual interactions that people seem to find desirable is because... I don't feel particularly attached to my body or particularly care how "vulnerable" it is.

That’s a very interesting point.  When I think about vulnerability I’m strictly considering emotional risk... or perhaps financial/reputation risk in an identity theft sense.  As long as no one kills it slowly and painfully I don’t particular care about my body or its potential vulnerability either.  Huh.

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Snao Cone
2 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

That’s why i hate when people say that sex is healthy and that you can’t live without it.

It's completely valid for someone to say that they can't live without sex, and it's fine for them to say they can't imagine otherwise, as long as they acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone (especially asexuals). I think a lot of the frustration/misunderstanding comes from people using stronger language than they mean. Someone who says people in general can't live without sex might mean people on average can't live without sex, which may be to some degree correct. 

 

I think we just need to respect that in most cases, people will know their own wants and needs better than other people. I don't want or need sex, for my physical or mental well-being, and nobody should tell me otherwise. Some people might need sex for their physical or mental well-being, and I'm not going to correct them. I think it's more often about the habit to use absolute language than it is actual views people hold. 

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ryn2
30 minutes ago, CBC said:

People shouldn't be forcing the idea that sex is vital on anyone who's asexual, but for most of us it is healthy. It's a significant plus for my psychological health (as are other things, too).

*nods*

 

I see it more like certain foods... healthy for people who don’t have a negative reaction to it.  I know that’s an oversimplification, but plenty of otherwise healthy things are not healthy to those with allergies or sensitivities.  One could even argue that intensely disliking a food, so much that being made to eat it is really stressful, outweighs its benefits.  In the broad sense that food is still healthy, though.  Saying peanuts are healthy is not a slam on kids with peanut-induced anaphylaxis.

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ryn2
Just now, Snao Cone said:

It's completely valid for someone to say that they can't live without sex, and it's fine for them to say they can't imagine otherwise, as long as they acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone (especially asexuals). I think a lot of the frustration/misunderstanding comes from people using stronger language than they mean. Someone who says people in general can't live without sex might mean people on average can't live without sex, which may be to some degree correct. 

 

I think we just need to respect that in most cases, people will know their own wants and needs better than other people. I don't want or need sex, for my physical or mental well-being, and nobody should tell me otherwise. Some people might need sex for their physical or mental well-being, and I'm not going to correct them. I think it's more often about the habit to use absolute language than it is actual views people hold. 

All of this!

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Philip027
Quote

It's completely valid for someone to say that they can't live without sex, and it's fine for them to say they can't imagine otherwise, as long as they acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone (especially asexuals).

The problem is, the people who say these things rarely do that.

 

Just yesterday (on a totally different forum, one for video games even, so it wasn't even on-topic) I got to listen to someone blab about how everyone wants to be in a relationship and the only people that claim they don't are in one of 3 boats: they are either struggling to find one, have gotten burned by one before and are suffering trauma from it, or they are a psychopath.  (I'm sure their views on sex wouldn't be much different from that.)  Sure, I get that there are probably more people like this on the internet specifically because of the veil of anonymity that keeps people from punching them in the face for being an ignorant intolerant twat, but it does extend offline to some extent too.

 

I don't really care if someone thinks they can't live without sex.  I still think they're probably wrong and are engaging in exaggeration -- in much the same way that I'd think an 8 year old potentially engaging in melodramatics and proclaiming that "their life is over" when they get grounded for a week is probably wrong -- but ultimately I'm not going to care that much if they are just speaking for themselves.  But some (most?) people literally can't seem to fathom someone not being into the same things they are, and that's when I start taking issue.  I see this sort of thing going on with all sorts of mundane crap.  Food preferences, music preferences, hobbies... you name it.

 

People painting themselves with broad strokes like this is precisely why asexuality has the reputation of being the "invisible orientation".

 

I'm on the autism spectrum (one potential known quality of which is that they can have difficulty with recognizing that others don't always share the sometimes very niche interests they do), and sometimes I think even I have a better handle on this shit that some "neurotypical" people do.

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Janus DarkFox

It’s perhaps one of those things that it’s rarely ever adequately explained properly at any point to cover the broadest spectrum of experiences to most asexuals.  Like sex-ed is still useless other than ‘you know when you start feeling it’

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CBC
4 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I think we just need to respect that in most cases, people will know their own wants and needs better than other people.

Yup.

 

If I go around telling asexuals that they really ought to be doing something they've no inclination to do, I'm blatantly disregarding the fact that I'm telling them they should be doing something that may be outright damaging to them emotionally/psychologically. I've had sex that's made me want to curl up in a ball and cry (and I did) and punish myself (and I did) and disappear (I sure wished I could). I know sex can sometimes be deeply upsetting when it doesn't feel like the right thing to be doing. Sometimes it can also just be completely neutral, but either way I'd be telling people to do something that's anything from a pointless waste of their time to outright traumatising.

 

Likewise I would hope/expect that asexuals could understand how it could be very beneficial when it's something that's desired. If unwanted sex can be traumatising, sex that's wanted can be be so much more than just "Well that was fun cuz I was super horny!" I absolutely hate the phrase "making love"... like, so much hahaha... but. I really really get why that term exists. I'm the sort of person who'll cry after in a really good way and use words to describe the experience that probably sound cheesy as hell, like 'beautiful'. But feeling love and connection is so incredibly important to our wellbeing, and so that's what it is to me, no exaggeration. Of course, not all sex takes place in the context of a loving relationship. Definitely not. And there's nothing wrong with feeling good in other ways either, including casual fun. You can be deeply moved by an award-winning film or a beautiful piece of writing, and you can also laugh at a silly sitcom or enjoy a catchy pop tune. All of those things make us feel good emotions and they're all valid.

 

Respect other people's realities when they tell you what makes them happy. That's all there is to it.

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CBC
37 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Saying peanuts are healthy is not a slam on kids with peanut-induced anaphylaxis.

Or mid-30-somethings. :P (I have a goddamn anaphylactic nut allergy. So does my cousin who's in her 50s, actually.)

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ryn2
43 minutes ago, CBC said:

Or mid-30-somethings. :P (I have a goddamn anaphylactic nut allergy. So does my cousin who's in her 50s, actually.)

Totally agreed.  It most often seems to be the parents of allergic kids who react negatively to broad peanut statements but the older allergic are out there too.  :)

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CBC
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Totally agreed.  It most often seems to be the parents of allergic kids who react negatively to broad peanut statements but the older allergic are out there too.  :)

Yeah I guess parents gotta look out for their kiddos, and some get a little overzealous. I learnt to read ingredient labels and identify stuff when I was a wee thing, like five maybe. Meanwhile my cousin routinely doesn't bother reading labels or asking at restaurants if something seems like it should be fine... and that's how she ended up eating broccoli in peanut sauce at a restaurant near Ayers Rock in the Australian Outback and being airlifted to a hospital in Alice Springs to be treated for anaphylaxis.


Anyway. I'm doing my derailing thing.

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Snao Cone
44 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

But some (most?) people literally can't seem to fathom someone not being into the same things they are, and that's when I start taking issue.

I hate it when people are like that. I like to assume that most folks aren't, but maybe I don't interact deeply with a wide enough range of people to get a sense of how many are like that. My family aren't like that. It doesn't come up in my work environment. Most of my social interaction doesn't get to that kind of conversation. And I'm too tired to interact with people in other ways. I'm sure if I actually paid attention to Facebook, or even took part in another forum, I'd see more of this kind of attitude...but I'm not inclined to look for it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ :P

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CBC

That's how I learnt to be ashamed as a child of all my interests that weren't the same as my dad's, and to hide them. Although I guess it was more that he looked down on things that he didn't like, not so much that he didn't think it was possible for people to have different preferences.

 

At any rate, I did that so well that in my early 20s he told me I never seemed to have any interests. Meanwhile I was a passionate and rather obsessive kid, just a fairly private one for fear of judgement. Self-absorbed arsehole. 🙄

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Snao Cone
5 minutes ago, CBC said:

That's how I learnt to be ashamed as a child of all my interests that weren't the same as my dad's, and to hide them.

I felt this a lot too, but more from peers in school than family members. It is such a negative situation to be in. 

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CBC
5 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I felt this a lot too, but more from peers in school than family members. It is such a negative situation to be in. 

Oh yeah same there as well. Teens are dreadful creatures. And I did myself no social favours by listening to Mozart and James Taylor and Joni Mitchell and a fuckload of swing music from the 30s (amongst other uncool stuff) rather than, god I dunno... Ricky Martin and umm... whoever... 😂

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ryn2
9 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I felt this a lot too, but more from peers in school than family members. It is such a negative situation to be in. 

So same, from both.

 

Out in the adult world - and I see it often - it seems to be a mix of genuine enthusiasm (I love this so much!  Everyone else loves it too, or somehow doesn’t know about it yet!) and reverse othering (people like me don’t feel that way, and you seem like me, so you don’t feel that way).

 

The former is well-intentioned...

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CBC

I've never really understood getting caught up in things like that. Everyone loving or hating whatever, judging people for shit. I dunno. I just do my own thing and connect with the people I can share stuff with and that's all that matters because that's what's ultimately meaningful.

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ryn2
35 minutes ago, CBC said:

I've never really understood getting caught up in things like that. Everyone loving or hating whatever, judging people for shit. I dunno. I just do my own thing and connect with the people I can share stuff with and that's all that matters because that's what's ultimately meaningful.

Agreed.  I do get where @Philip027 might be coming from, though, because it gets old when you’re exposed to it regularly.

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