Compromise

[Jrae01]

I've posted my story here before so I'll try to just give a short recap...

 

My husband (48) and I (40f) have been together for 17 years (married 15) are having trouble finding a compromise in the bedroom.  

 

Sex has always been infrequent (3-4x/yr) for the first 10 years and then just a few times over the last five years.  We have tried therapy, horomone replacement, cialis, etc and nothing is working.

 

About 6 mos ago, I was researching asexuality. Long story short... He now identifies as asexual. He actually feels relieved knowing what is causing his lack of desire. He is relieved and i feel devastated.  I always had hope we would find a cure for our dead bedroom and now i know there is none.

 

Anyway, he explains that, on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being sexually repulsed, he is an 8. He says he absolutely doesn't want to do it ever and never has. However, he says he can make himself try 3- 4 x/yr but highly doubts he will be able to more than 1-2 x\yr. He says he can try to use his hand/toys on me but is clear he gets nothing from it and would rather not but he'll do it for me. 

 

I am torn as to what to do about this. On one hand, i appreciate the compromise he's willing to make. On the other hand, I don't want him to do anything that makes him feel that uncomfortable. Tbh, I don't even think I could enjoy it knowing he feels this strongly about it.  I can't help but wonder if, in this case, it's better to take sex completely off the table. That way, I won't be wondering throughout the year when he might be willing, risking continually getting rejected. Also, is it even healty for him to be expected to do it at all if he feels this strongly about it?

 

I appreciate any imput anyone would be willing to give.  How do you bridge a gap like this? 

[SusannaC]

@Jrae01- I think the situation is pretty clear when I read your post above.  He is pretty highly repulsed (8/10) and doesn’t EVER want sex.  He doubts he will be able to do more than 1-2x/year.    YOU seem to be struggling greatly with his answer-( the reality of your situation)- and I am sorry you are going through this painful and lonely process.   Acceptance is difficult and I personally struggled for years as well.  

You have choices to make.   You probably know what they are but need to think them through carefully.   @CBC said above there is no morally/ethically superior decision which is consistent for all relationships and I tend to agree.  Look at the facts  in front of you.  Then contemplate all options in the most objective way possible:  1) compromise sex- he has defined what he is willing to try and it will be very rare, if at all.  2) masterbation/toys on yourself with him reluctantly present & really not interested   3) abstinence. 4) open marriage.  5) divorce.    
You are very young(40) and even though you’ve been in your marriage for 15 years,  you hopefully have a long life ahead of you.  Your future is important so think carefully about YOUR needs.  In your post above I noticed you are very concerned about what is comfortable and good for HIS wellbeing, but not YOURS...This approach is of course, very thoughtful but.. ....  Don’t sacrifice your own happiness without a damned good reason.  

[Jrae01]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond.  

 

I am seriously considering separating. Hopefully, I will able to see things more clearly if I take some time away. 

 

Honestly, I don't know how else to handle this. I do agree that sex should probably be taken off the table, however,  i fear that will be the end of our marriage. Because of that, I consider accepting his compromise but I just don't know how to enjoy it when I know he really would rather not. Not only that but I feel that it's unfair to him if he really feels that strongly about this.  At times, I feel like I should be able to give up sex because of how much I love him and because our marriage is great otherwise.  I'm just scared the resentment will keep building which won't be good for either one of us. This is so frustrating, i feel like I'm just going in circles. There seems to be no good answer. 

 

To answer your question:  I have run the idea by him to completely take it off the table and he loved it. He felt relieved but also doesn't want to lose me so would rather do it than divorce. 

 

He has offered an open marriage but I'm having a hard time getting on board with that. I may try it as a last ditch effort but I really just want it all from one person so not sure it would work for me.  I feel terrible because it seems he is making compromises but nothing makes me happy. I'm willing to compromise but the lack of desire on his part kills almost all of it for me. Also, even if I could get past the no desire part, how could I ever be ok with 2x/yr? 

 

Anyway, sorry for my unorganized thoughts and ramblings. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I can't really tt friends or family about this and I'm not sure they'd even understand. It's nice to be able to discuss this with others who have been in similar situations and can relate. 

 

 

[Memento1]

42 minutes ago, Jrae01 said:

There seems to be no good answer. 

That's because there isn't one.  The options Susanna laid out are really all there is, and I know none of them sound appealing.  You have to grieve the idea of a good solution (which it sounds like you are), and put thought into which of the unappealing solutions has the greatest chance of success (not necessarily which is the least unappealing option).  As I've said before, I think a therapist or couples therapist can talk you through the different paths, what they might involve, and help you work out your feelings.

 

I know you're in a lot of pain and despair over what you're losing - it's totally okay to feel that.  It's NORMAL to feel that - it's evidence of all the good feelings you shared.  I hope you both get to a place where you can support each other through this hard decision - neither of you has to grieve alone.

[anisotrophic]

@Jrae01 it sounds like you should try getting couples' therapy, or at least therapy for yourself. I agree with what @CBC & @SusannaC said – it's hard to imagine being happy with compromise when you know someone is repulsed. And you have many years left, and you deserve happiness for yourself.

 

My hunch is that an ideal path forward will eventually be moving towards amicable separation, still caring for each other. Therapy might help you face that and go about it in a more positive way.

I'm sorry it hurts. @Memento1 is right, grief is normal. You didn't deserve this situation, it can be nobody's fault but still terribly unfair – life can deal some crappy hands – the only thing anyone can do is find the best path forward.

[Bzztoh]

I cannot give much advice, other than that the first, and in my case most important, step towards any kind of solution, is accepting that there is no perfection possible for any relationship, other than a compromise between two (or more) related individuals. Non matching sexual orientations are hard to bring together maybe, but that’s what it is. 

 

And yes, I know that is easy said. I say it after more than 30 years of struggles. 

[uhtred]

Its an extremely difficult problem and often there simply is no solution. 

 

For most people having regular sex with someone who is sex repulsed is not desirable, even if the partner is willing to suffer through it. 

 

Sometimes an open marriage works, but for many people its difficult to separate sex and love, and they fall for what was intended to be a casual sex partner. 

 

All I can suggest is that you take the long view of what will make you most happy.   *Happiness* for both of you is want matters, not the "relationship".   If you love each other, one of you cannot be happy if the other is not happy.  That may  mean that the best solution for *both* of you is to separate.   Sacrificing one person's happiness for the other is a bad idea because eventually they will find out that their actions (or lack of same ) are hurting the person that they love. 

 

In most cases like this I would recommend separating as better for both.

[MrDane]

It sounds like sex between the two is better off the table. Unless they can make it work wiht massages and toys.

 If they otherwise are a good and loving couple, perhaps solutions could be found to make her have sex and him, not. To me, anyway, celibacy/masturbation only, comes with a too high risk of depression.