Shiran Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 (edited) I'm a 22 y\o woman. I'm a religious jewish, so since my early teen I have been "keeping touch"- no touching boys, only my future husband (not a matchmaking), so since I'm not married yet, I'm still a virgin. The "keeping touch" was actually really comfortable for me. It help me make make excuses like 'when I'm 18 I will think about relationship' et cetera. I never felt sexual atraction to anyone, but I did notice beautiful people (men or women) and understood that they are atractive. I do want to get married, I want to have a family of my own, to have kids and raise them. But I have never felt comfortabe with the idea of me having sex with some future hasband, and wedding night seem like something I will have to bare with and get use to sex after it. But then again, I am a virgin, so it could be that I will like having sex after trying it. So my question is really in the title. Edited January 12, 2020 by Shiran Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 Asexuality isn't about whether or not you can like or enjoy sex, it's about whether you want it in the first place. Sexual people typically know they want it even before they've had it, and it's possible for aces to find it enjoyable yet still not desire it. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 How do straight people know they're straight and not bi/pan? How do gay people know they're not straight or bi/pan? Because we don't feel the desire to engage in that activity in the first place. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/12/2020 at 5:26 AM, Sithgroundhog said: How do straight people know they're straight and not bi/pan? How do gay people know they're not straight or bi/pan? Because we don't feel the desire to engage in that activity in the first place. This is where I get really confused with things like repsponsive desire and demisexuality. I currently identify as asexual but since I've only had one relationship where we never even got close to anything sexual, how am I meant to know if its not just that I am demisexual and havent just had enough connection to my partner yet or if its not just that I am a sexual who experiences responsive desire and thus have never been in a situation where I would experience that. (btw if this does happen that would be ok, would change identity which is ok but just using this to illistrate point. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 6 minutes ago, banana monkey said: This is where I get really confused with things like repsponsive desire and demisexuality. I currently identify as asexual but since I've only had one relationship where we never even got close to anything sexual, how am I meant to know if its not just that I am demisexual and havent just had enough connection to my partner yet or if its not just that I am a sexual who experiences responsive desire and thus have never been in a situation where I would experience that. (btw if this does happen that would be ok, would change identity which is ok but just using this to illistrate point. Not sure how responsive desire works, so I can't comment on that, but I imagine demisexuality is only a "we'll see" kind of thing. If I was sexually attracted to my partner tomorrow, I'd be cool with the change. It would be weird and unexpected, but I'm not going to change my label just because of a "maybe one day" situation. And I imagine not putting yourself in situations where responsive desire would be triggered might be a clue that you're not as interested as those with responsive desire. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 17, 2020 Share Posted January 17, 2020 On 1/12/2020 at 3:40 AM, Shiran said: I'm a 22 y\o woman. I'm a religious jewish, so since my early teen I have been "keeping touch"- no touching boys, only my future husband (not a matchmaking), so since I'm not married yet, I'm still a virgin. The "keeping touch" was actually really comfortable for me. It help me make make excuses like 'when I'm 18 I will think about relationship' et cetera. I never felt sexual atraction to anyone, but I did notice beautiful people (men or women) and understood that they are atractive. I do want to get married, I want to have a family of my own, to have kids and raise them. But I have never felt comfortabe with the idea of me having sex with some future hasband, and wedding night seem like something I will have to bare with and get use to sex after it. But then again, I am a virgin, so it could be that I will like having sex after trying it. So my question is really in the title. I was basically pressured for years to "hurry up and lose my v card" by really crappy friends who I don't even waste my time with anymore. And the more I think about it, the more I wish I'd stuck with my guns and just kept it. I caved and gave into the pressure and my first experience wasn't enjoyable at all. It was consensual but at the same time it was basically him taking what he wanted from me. And then the second time was during a relationship and again it felt more about him then me. And the truth was I just didn't want to do it. I endured to make my partner at the time happy and the sensual part was OK but other than that I just felt awkward and really uncomfortable. My advice! Don't give into pressure like I did. If you do have sex with someone I think it's best to wait until your with the right person. Someone who is willing to meet you on your level and wait for you to be ready to give it a try. And if that's never, we'll that's fine too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anxious Gryffindor Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Okay, first off... On 1/12/2020 at 12:54 AM, Philip027 said: Asexuality isn't about whether or not you can like or enjoy sex, it's about whether you want it in the first place. Sexual people typically know they want it even before they've had it, and it's possible for aces to find it enjoyable yet still not desire it. Very well said! So your sexual experiences and how you feel during them has no effect in you being asexual. Also... you know your body better than anyone else. You don't have to have sex to know how you feel about it. Like, from personal experience, some things when do it can be a little different from you expectations and your feelings towards sex can change with time and partners, but, ultimately, it's not so different from what you think it'll be. Doing it more times doesn't make it better if it's something your uncomfortable, and though it is possible to "get used" to bad experiences, that doesn't make them good experiences and it's never something you should have to do. On 1/12/2020 at 12:40 AM, Shiran said: I did notice beautiful people (men or women) and understood that they are atractive. I do want to get married, I want to have a family of my own, to have kids and raise them. Abt this, you may want to look into aesthetical attraction - finding people good to look at - and romantic attraction - wanting to be in a relationship. They are separate from sexual attraction. And what you said about wanting a romantic relationship and thinking you must have sex for that, that's not actually a necessity. Romantic and sexual feelings are not necessarily linked. You can have great relationships without sex. I know in a lot of social circles it's very hard for people to understand that and sometimes it's not feasable, but you should know that it's possible to have one without the other. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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