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I don't know


Zagadka

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After staying up until 4 am for two nights in a row thinking, I want to go back to my whole spiel that I deleted. And I'm not drunk while writing it this time.

 

So, I'm feeling very... genderless. I've never connected to being male; I just never thought much about it. Like just everyone didn't have that connection (reminds me of not realizing how much people are into sex while I wandered around obliviously), but now I wonder. I have no idea what makes me more male than female, if anything. I hate my body and genitals. My idea presentation would be very androgynous (unfortunately, I look very masculine) if I could design a new body or look (I hate how I look). (I know that people don't need to present as a specific look, it is just the thing I would want to change if I had a genie)

 

As I said, I don't know. I don't have any plans on changing anything right now, but just laying there thinking about being agender or referred to as they or whatever makes me feel happy and excited. I don't even know how I would approach changing anything. But I think I'm happier considering these options.

 

From what I've read and looking into, I know that the general rules are pretty loose, but I'm interested in learning more. What, exactly, am I supposed to be feeling as a "male"? Are there any books or other sources that I could look into?

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There are lots of resources you could look into, I think, but you'll find that most or all of these are trying to stereotype in some way or another. However much people try to categorise, you shouldn't feel like one thing if you're male or female bodied. You are you and acceptance is the key (with which I don't necessarily mean accepting your body), but accepting you for you, not for some idea of what masculinity is with which you can compare or worse, rate yourself by. You don't have to change your body either necessarily, to accept yourself. Give yourself time to explore and try not to compare yourself to men or women around you or some stereotyped ideal, I would say.

I may be wrong but it does sound that you suffer from body dysphoria. That's maybe a starting point to start exploring.

I'm the last person to tell you what you should be feeling as a male, if there is such a set of feelings in the first place. And that's the point. We're all pushed into some ideal. I think especially men. It's up to you whether you believe that nonsense or if you live your own life and be you. Admittedly, this is not always easy because of the judgement people have and because the tendency towards the stereotype is very powerful.

I'm not sure if it helps and these are just my thoughts...

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I kinda feel ya 😅 like I know I’m born female and stuff but it’s not such a huge part of my identity, I have no idea what I’m supposed to feel differently than others who don’t fit this criteria. I also don’t look too feminine physically I think. I find it best not to worry about it too much, there’s plenty of other things to define myself by.

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