8 years, still Ace

[Brygid]

I always knew there were other people in the world like me, I just didn't know their collective name yet; I was sure I'd find it eventually. I stumbled upon the word "asexual" and identified with it immediately, at around age 13. My mother sort of always knew, I never took an interest in boys. She had "the talk" with me, and I went along with it nonchalantly, as if no conversation occurred at all. She asked me about porn, I vaguely knew what it was, but never bothered to look for it. "Do you like any guys from school?" No. Not really. She turned her head in disbelief, coaxed me a little, and I just stood before finally, "Well, your feelings might change when you're older."

 

A few years older now. I've come out repeatedly to her before, sometimes it sits and she accepts it. Other times it's, "You just haven't met the right person." (Strange because she is very sex negative and tells me not to engage in it). I'm sure I'd know by now, my guy friends have stashes of women on their computers, reaching hundreds, maybe thousands of different faces they all have sexual feelings for. I don't have a single one.

 

Maybe I liked girls? I didn't. I feel the same way about both men and women. Bi, perhaps? I used the label "bisexual" for a while when no one knew what ace was, but I needed to communicate to the individual in front of me, I am not straight.

 

I've had labels put on me I didn't ask for, that were not true to me. Told I was confused, when I was certain for the longest time until others pushed their doubts onto me.

 

Adulthood came, I had two relationships that got physical, and I felt nothing for either one. I was certain before I started seeing them, but the nagging of all the people prior led me to believe I should "give the relationship a chance" against what I really felt, and the relationships went exactly as I predicted they will, as open as I tried to be. One of those relationships was very dangerous and the sex was coerced. Consensual, and not, both felt gross, numb, and at worst, both mentally and physically painful.

 

I'm here to say at 21 years old,

It wasn't a phase.

I didn't identify or even find the label "because of Tumblr."

I am asexual.

 

I'll try my best to accept that, and not self harm by punishing myself into bad relationships anymore.

Mentally, I'm still chasing that idea, but I know it's not my own and will take time to step away from.

 

 

 

[Laianna]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Galactic Turtle]

I didn't find out about the term asexual until I was 22 but had been saying I didn't want to have sex since I was 12. Now I'm 26! 

 

It's rare but it does happen.

[frostboot]

I think it's really interesting how similar many aces stories are! 
I started identifying as asexual when I was around 15 and used to identify as bisexual because I felt the same about all genders. It's a strange thing because, as you said, I needed to communicate my queerness but I had no proper word to do that with, and I just sort of rolled with what words other people put in my mouth. Finding the term asexual and then finding the bravery to start using it really helped to make me feel more in control of my identity.

 

Interestingly enough, sex negative people like your mom tend to be more acephobic since their views on sex is never about autonomy but rather about controlling people. You're not supposed to have sex now because you're "saving yourself" for the right one, or whatever nonsense they're on about. It's through sex positivity and proper LGBT+ sex education that I learnt that not wanting sex is cool, so I'm always surprised when people view sex positivity and sex aversion as mutually exclusive. 

 

I also had relationships as a teen that were varying degrees of healthy and found that both consensual and non-consensual intimacy feels almost equally bad. The pressure from society and the pressure to not let someone down or lead them on can be really tough to deal with and put you in situations that are cruel both to yourself and others. I used to think that I couldn't be a victim in a situation that I had initiated myself, even though I felt like I was one, but I have decided that I totally can be. I have done some things that I never would have if I had been raised in a society where sex wasn't supposedly what makes a relationship worthwhile, so when there was no coercion from my partner, society was my abuser instead. 

 

But that's in the past now! It makes me really happy that you've come to terms with your asexuality now and don't put yourself in harm's way anymore. This whole thing about asexuality being a tumblr thing is ridiculous and so is the idea that someone's identity would somehow be less valid just because they found a community on tumblr.
Yay for a life-long not-phase! 

 

[Lichley]

Welcome! Yeah the Tumblr stuff is stupid. The number one rule is to not base your views of a particular group on the mess that is Tumblr content, that’s just asking to become prejudiced ://