SaturnOOO Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting anyone here to give me an answer. This is just my rambling. I recently took on a new job in a different town and am in the midst of a partial move. While I still have my city apartment for the moment, I will be working and spending most of my time four hours away from it in a very small town. Never lived in a small town before. I think the transition is bringing up all sorts of insecurities and questions with regard to what I want my life to look like. Today, I've been weirdly thinking that maybe a relationship would be a good idea. And I am very much aro, so this is making me very uncomfortable. I don't care about straying from my "aro"ness. aromantic is a word that both describes me and also embodies a lot of commonalities I have with others who identify with that term. If that ever turns out to be less accurate, I have no problem with that. My problem is that I'm 35 years old and have no idea what it feels like to desire a romantic connection with someone. And I don't even know if that's what I want. While I'm perfectly happy just living alone with my dog(s), I think this move has made me think about the logistics of this. Life in this area is going to involve a lot of work, both physical and mental. The weather, the isolation, the general maintenance of day to day life is so different from life in the city. I feel like having a partner to go through these things with seems like a good decision. And I mean I am attracted to women; most people who know me on here know that this has always been the case. Until now that attraction hasn't been coupled with any sort of desire or interest in dating, having sex, or entering into any sort of romance. I just low-key like bewbs ok? But now I'm thinking... maybe I just assume that I don't want any of this with women because I know I don't want it with men? And whenever I convinced myself I wanted it with men I was very wrong? Which is fine... there's nothing stopping me from just trying it out if I really want to. Except I don't know if I want to, and at 35 I feel like you're past the stage where you can just try things out like this. I would either have to put myself out there (because how the hell else am I gonna meet another single gay woman in the middle of nowhere) and then be brutally honest from the beginning ("hey, I'd love to see if I don't hate having a girlfriend. I am willing to have sex with you occasionally if that's what you want, but if it is important to you that this be a meaningful experience for both of us then it's not gonna work out. Oh and I'm not gonna be able to keep up with a high libido so you can forget that right now. And really, I have no idea what I will be able to keep up with because I haven't had sex in at least five years and haven't missed it for a second.") This seems unlikely to yield any results. But I can't just "experiment" with someone because I mean... that's a person. And a full grown adult one at that. I can't claim to be a dumb teenager who doesn't know what I'm doing. And I very well might end up deciding that dating women is another big NOPE for me. So I mean probably the best thing to do would be to continue with the life I had planned for myself and just get the fuck over this insecurity that is probably all stemming from a major life transition anyway. Just the gay girl in my head has been demanding I pay more attention to her lately... Link to post Share on other sites
Snao Cone Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 Openness to change can come in bursts, I find, so it's understandable why you're reflecting on these options now. I think a few of the factors concerning you aren't as big as you think they are, though. 35 isn't too old to try a relationship, especially one that's unconventional both in gender direction and in emotional dynamic. You're looking for someone who can live a compatible life to yours. You're not looking to fall in love or find a spouse or have kids, or whatever. I think your 30s is a better time to pursue that than younger ages, honestly, and you might find more people your age who are okay with that because they know by then that conventional relationships aren't for them. As for "experimenting", I've found that mature people are understanding of differences in experience, and actually like helping people learn more about themselves. It means they're a part of something, and they get to do something meaningful. Don't be afraid to look for a connection out of shame for not having found it yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Link to post Share on other sites
Muledeer Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 31 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said: So I mean probably the best thing to do would be to continue with the life I had planned for myself and just get the fuck over this insecurity that is probably all stemming from a major life transition anyway. since this is the bottom line in your post I will give you a thumbs up response to this sentence. I have about 20 years on you, but I have similar feelings as you expressed in the paragraph above. I've fully accepted my asexual aromantic orientation for about five years now. I still keep an open mind that I may find a partner, of either sex, but I'm not actively looking for one. If it happens, it could be good, but I think finding a relationship is unlikely and I plan my life accordingly. I have a few local friends. In your case, in a new environment, and without any local friends, I can understand your desire for companionship. thank god for dogs! Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, Muledeer said: thank god for dogs! Yes! I've never actively looked for a relationship, even when I assumed I was straight by default. So even just thinking about this is unfamiliar territory for me. 13 minutes ago, Snao Cone said: As for "experimenting", I've found that mature people are understanding of differences in experience, and actually like helping people learn more about themselves. It means they're a part of something, and they get to do something meaningful. Don't be afraid to look for a connection out of shame for not having found it yet. Luckily I don't feel any shame... I just feel very like a fish out of water that this is even coming up in my head right now. The gender thing as you know is not an issue for me; it's more like the possibility that if I decide this is something I want there might be a bit of an active process to it. Luckily right now it's not something I want badly enough to get out of my comfort zone that much for, and who knows, it might even just pass. I dunno though. it is weirding me out. The gay girl in my head is definitely not used to calling the shots and kind of sucks at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Elftober Country Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 @SaturnOOO I totally understand this 😑 Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 16 minutes ago, October Country said: @SaturnOOO I totally understand this 😑 What are lil gay aro aces to do 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
Elftober Country Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 6 minutes ago, SaturnOOO said: What are lil gay aro aces to do 😕 Congregate and high-five? Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 6 minutes ago, October Country said: Congregate and high-five? Come to Toronto this year and we'll make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Elftober Country Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 17 hours ago, SaturnOOO said: Come to Toronto this year and we'll make it happen. If I can manage to sort my life out. Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 On 1/11/2020 at 2:38 AM, SaturnOOO said: The gay girl in my head is definitely not used to calling the shots and kind of sucks at it. Now that's something I can relate to, heh. I wish it weren't so. You said that you feel like having a partner seems like a good decision at this stage of your life - I find it kind of interesting that you look at this whole thing so pragmatically. I'm the exact opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted January 12, 2020 Author Share Posted January 12, 2020 4 minutes ago, kiaroskuro said: I'm the exact opposite. What does it look like for you? Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted January 12, 2020 Share Posted January 12, 2020 2 hours ago, SaturnOOO said: What does it look like for you? Good question. I'm not a very pragmatic person in general, maybe even the least pragmatic person I know. I like philosophising and theorising to such an extent that I'm not getting shit done become I tend to overthink everything. Despite our differences, we do seem to have quite a bit in common: exact same age, feeling too old to try things out, etc. Is there a support group for (potential) baby dykes in their thirties? If not, maybe we should start one. Link to post Share on other sites
SaturnOOO Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 3 hours ago, kiaroskuro said: Is there a support group for (potential) baby dykes in their thirties? If not, maybe we should start one. 😂 I'm in. Link to post Share on other sites
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