laokatok Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I've been a little bit confused lately as to what my romantic orientation might be. I've always liked the idea of being in a romantic relationship, having this significant other who you love and who loves you unconditionally, getting married, living your lives together... Although now I'm not too sure whether I want to experience this because I actually want to have this romantic relationship you see in movies, media, read about in romance novels, or whether it's just the need of feeling validated and somewhat valuable if you want to call it that. I think this might also be due to some mental health problems I think I might be having, I haven't been diagnosed with anything so far so I don't want to presume anything, but I know that there are several mental illnesses like for example BPD or HPD that might lead to such needs. Does anyone here have any experience with such a situation? I'd love to hear some of your stories! Link to post Share on other sites
timewarp Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 What on Earth is "alloromantic"? Is that yet another new label coming from Tumblr? Link to post Share on other sites
RosePhoenix Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, timewarp said: What on Earth is "alloromantic"? Is that yet another new label coming from Tumblr? "Alloromantic just means anyone who experiences romantic attraction (at what most would consider a normal frequency). ... Their counterparts would be people on the aromantic spectrum—people who experience very limited romantic attraction, or don't experience romantic attraction at all." Link to post Share on other sites
timewarp Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 minute ago, RosePhoenix said: "Alloromantic just means anyone who experiences romantic attraction (at what most would consider a normal frequency). ... Their counterparts would be people on the aromantic spectrum—people who experience very limited romantic attraction, or don't experience romantic attraction at all." So what's wrong with "romantic"? Link to post Share on other sites
RosePhoenix Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 minute ago, timewarp said: So what's wrong with "romantic"? Think the difference is that romantic is typically an adjective and not a noun, its a descriptor not a thing...like all other sexual orientation words are all nouns because they are "poeple who are attracted to BLANK" , and when romantic is used as a noun its generally to mean, like well when something typically says that someone IS a romantic they mean like very into romantic gestures, etc. Furthermore "a romantic" can also have to do with the romantic movements in art and literature, like William Blake was a romantic. He was a poet that was part of the romanticism movement. So in all of these contexts it has nothing to do with sexual or romantic orientations or preferences, so think using romantic for that purpose can be confusing which I think is why alloromantic is often used, because that is the only thing that word can mean and there is no ambiguity of it. However, I do agree that romantic can be used same way alloromantic can be just think thats why its typically not. Link to post Share on other sites
RosePhoenix Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, laokatok said: I've been a little bit confused lately as to what my romantic orientation might be. I've always liked the idea of being in a romantic relationship, having this significant other who you love and who loves you unconditionally, getting married, living your lives together... Although now I'm not too sure whether I want to experience this because I actually want to have this romantic relationship you see in movies, media, read about in romance novels, or whether it's just the need of feeling validated and somewhat valuable if you want to call it that. I think this might also be due to some mental health problems I think I might be having, I haven't been diagnosed with anything so far so I don't want to presume anything, but I know that there are several mental illnesses like for example BPD or HPD that might lead to such needs. Does anyone here have any experience with such a situation? I'd love to hear some of your stories! I think maybe you need to figure out if you like THE IDEA of romance and a romantic relationship or if you feel those things yourself and do in fact want that for yourself. Your mention of movie love kinda makes me think that. I'm aromantic, but it took a long time for me to figure that out because of not being certain if I merely liked the idea of romance and didnt actually want it or not. Moreover, I had NO IDEA if I had ever felt romantic feelings for someone because I didnt know what romantic attraction was or what it felt like. I still don't really know what it feels like as after doing much research and reading other ppls experiences I was able to conclude that I never felt that way, but since I don't have those feelings still don't totally get it. So I think maybe look into romantic attraction and see what you think you've felt in that regard. Like have you ever had crushes? How did you feel towards those ppl? And go asking ppl who actually know/experience romantic attraction what its like because I sure as hell don't know. I've never had a crush. And liking romantic media doesn't really have to do with what you feel yourself in any way. I love romantic media (when its actually good) and the IDEA of a romantic relationship is, in some ways appealing to me, but thats it. I like the idea of someone who brings me flowers or makes me a surprise picnic, but thats about it. I like the idea of romance and the idea of a romantic relationship but nothing beyond that. I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship, and I have never felt towards any person that I would want to do romantic things with them. In fact I personally get a bit repulsed at the idea of doing certain romantic things with another actual person. I enjoy romantic by seeing it and being completed disengaged from it. As far as the feeling for needed to feel validated and that getting mixed up with romantic wants...maybe, to separate those feelings a bit to determine if thats all your feeling or if you feel both romantic attraction and have this other feeling about needing to be validated, consider how you would feel/think feel towards the other person in your hypothetical relationship, because orientation is about who you are drawn to right? so its about how you feel about another person, not how they make you feel. Also, you could try dating sim games, it may sound a bit ridiculous but I played alot of them for a while, to see if I could figure out who I liked that way (I sure as hell wasn't going on real dates), and if it was all fantasy ie just liking the idea, or if I wished that what I was playing was real. I found it helpful. Also, can be sometimes more useful to pay attention to what you don't like/feel than what you do. When first figuring out my sexual and romantic orientation one thing I figured out was that I was absolutely not attracted to guys. You don't gotta figure it out all at once, ya can get there slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, timewarp said: What on Earth is "alloromantic"?... 1 hour ago, timewarp said: So what's wrong with "romantic"? I'd guess that @laokatok might've tried using the term as a way to indicate they were thinking that they might be "heteroromantic." http://wiki.asexuality.org/Heteroromantic Quote ...A heteroromantic person is a person who is romantically attracted to a member of the opposite sex or gender... Using only "romantic" wouldn't be as specific for the OP's thoughts/personal feelings, as it's a general term that could also possibly refer to someone who might be questioning whether they're "homoromantic," "panromantic," etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Jenamos Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 4 hours ago, laokatok said: I've been a little bit confused lately as to what my romantic orientation might be. I've always liked the idea of being in a romantic relationship, having this significant other who you love and who loves you unconditionally, getting married, living your lives together... Although now I'm not too sure whether I want to experience this because I actually want to have this romantic relationship you see in movies, media, read about in romance novels, or whether it's just the need of feeling validated and somewhat valuable if you want to call it that. I think this might also be due to some mental health problems I think I might be having, I haven't been diagnosed with anything so far so I don't want to presume anything, but I know that there are several mental illnesses like for example BPD or HPD that might lead to such needs. Does anyone here have any experience with such a situation? I'd love to hear some of your stories! Hi, what you are describing appears to me as totally, 100% normal human behavior. I don't think there is anyone on this planet who doesn't want "to feel validated" and "valuable." People just tend to differ on how they want those things to be expressed. Some people get those things through platonic relationships, like a lot of aromantics (from my understanding), other people might get them through exclusively romantic and/or sexual relationships, and for most people, it's a mix of all types of relationships. As I always tell people; humans are social creatures by nature, and even the most introverted of people can get lonely. After all, it's not usually a matter of not wanting company as it is wanting the right company. So, your desires to feel valued and respected doesn't seem to me the result of mental illness, but simply the result of being human. Now, to get to the actual question, I'm going to give advice based on the allosexual perspective -- given that I myself am panromantic. First of all, I would advise you to stop judging romantic love based on what you see in movies and books. While there are many lovely relationships portrayed in those sorts of media, they are most often not realistic. Real romance is messy, because people are messy. You're essentially taking two entire human beings and being like "now make all of your flaws and graces work together," and that can be really difficult. Romantic relationships, and most other types of relationships, are all about compromise and communication. Relationships take work, although some can take more work than others. So, I would advise to stop trying to compare your feelings to romantic feelings in books and movies. Those are idealized, exaggerated versions most of the time, and unrealistic to expect from real people (at least, to expect from them all the time). As someone who has had my fair share of "am I infatuated with you, or do I simply admire you?" moments, I base my romantic feelings off of this: Do I want to be physically intimate with the person? As an asexual, this criteria for me is usually "do I want to kiss/cuddle with/hold hands with this person?" Do you frequently want to go on dates with this person, or give them gifts, or do things for them because you care about them so much? Do I get jealous when I see this person engaging in those types of acts with other people? Am I not satisfied with platonic gestures of affection? Does this person's presence in my life impact me to a scale that I feel like my life would be worse if they weren't in it a lot of the time? Can I imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person? It's a bit hard to describe, at least for me, because romantic feelings tend to act like a punch in the gut or a sudden realization. If you have experienced some of the things I have listed for a particular person, or multiple people, then there is a good chance you are experiencing romantic feelings. The tricky thing is that these things are so subjective, and certain people express certain feelings in very particular ways. But I would vote that the desire for frequent physical intimacy with a person, and a degree of possessiveness (jealousy when they give that sort of intimacy to others, or feelings of wanting that person to cherish you as much as you cherish them) are very prominent factors in romantic relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
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