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How to tell my boyfriend I'm asexual?


AllieCat

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Hey all, 

 

I'm pretty new here and to the asexual community. I only recently realized that I may be asexual (the only other possibility being that I might be demisexual, but I'm really not sure yet). 

 

I've been seeing this guy for a couple months (not my boyfriend, just wrote it in the title that way to keep the title short). He's a really nice guy, and he seems really sweet and caring. We have a lot in common. But he's definitely sexual and interested in taking things to the next level. I'm ok with kissing and touching and whatever, but how do I tell him I don't want to have sex? Definitely not now, and maybe not ever? Or do I just put up with the sexual stuff - which I feel like is a bad idea since it would be harder to tell him in the future. How do I make sure he doesn't take my disinterest in sex as disinterest in him? The other thing that makes it more complicated is that we got pretty close to having sex the other day (I was bored and moderately repulsed by the situation, but it was this situation that really gave me great clarity into my asexuality). How do I go back now and say "hey I know we almost did it the other day, but that's off the table now?". Feeling confused. 

 

Any advice would be great :) 

 

Allie 

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I would say don't put up with sexual stuff if you don't want to. It can lead to mixed messages later like "Well, you used to be okay with it, why not now? Will you ever want to again?" 

 

Just tell him you don't want to have sex. You can explain if you'd like (how it makes you feel, what repulses you, etc.) or come out as asexual. You can try and reinforce that not wanting sex doesn't mean it has anything to do with him because you wouldn't want it with anybody. 

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That Ginger Kid

Do not ever feel that you have to do something you don’t want to do. Please. It’s not worth putting your mental health at risk to make someone happy. I’ve just come to terms with this myself, and it’s sometimes hard to accept, but it’s good advice to follow. Someone who is worth your time will be willing to work with you on something like this. 

The easiest way to go about this is to just say it. Maybe wait until the topic of conversation is on sex, then tell him you think you’re asexual. Explain how you feel if he’s unfamiliar with the label. He’ll either be chill with it and you guys can continue as is, or he’ll say he’s wanting more in a relationship. If he does want more, it may be time to consider just being friends. Like I said, it can do some serious mental damage to force yourself into sex if you don’t want it. 

It can be hard to find a compatible partner when you’re on the asexual spectrum, but don’t be too bummed if it doesn’t work out. Just be up front about your sexuality and keep as little hidden about it as possible. It makes things a lot easier. 

Whatever happens, I wish the best for you :)

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Hello, @AllieCat

You really don’t need to do anything you hate. That’s true. The other side of the matter is that sexual people need sex – hence the name. So if you don’t want to have any kind of sex (traditional, oral etc.) you’ll need to prepare yourself that very few sexuals will be able to form a long-term relationship with you. It’s the hard truth many asexuals face. Even if sexuals appear willing at first, the experience of many mixed-sexuality couples here shows that chances for happiness for a sexual person in a sexless relationship are very low.

I’m not trying to push you into forcing yourself – not at all. But sadly there’s nothing you can say to make this guy you like need sex less. You can do some preparation – tell him you have something serious to discuss and then just tell him about your findings (pretty much the way you did in this post). The rest is up to him and will really depend on how much he actually needs sex.

Good luck.

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Thanks for everyone's replies! 

 

Especially @Lara Black - thanks for really helping me see it's not a black and white situation. Like there will need to be some sort of compromise. I'm not against having sex to make him happy, I think. And I want him to be happy and satisfied too, I just sort of want him to know that it's for him, not me. But maybe that makes it less attractive to him. I don't know. Still confused with the whole thing, probably won't say anything for now. 

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I think you do need to tell him, though pick your time wisely - definitely not when you're getting all touchy feely together but in the harsh light of day.

 

It's really important we as asexuals are up front about our sexuality with romantic partners, and if you think you want to continue this relstionship then you'll need to come out. 

 

Head over to the Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies sub if you want to read some heartwrenching accounts by sexuals who have just found out their partner is asexual after years together and didn't realise until they were in love because the asexual person, for one reason or another, acted like they wanted sex or would be willing to have it regularly. 

 

It's not a good start to a relationship.

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@henshin thanks for your advice. Yes, I've read a couple of those stories, such difficult situations!! I'll need to work up my courage, but I just don't know how. And it's definitely not something I can just text him about. 

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hazelnut soup

Hi AllieCat,

 

I'm in a pretty darn similar situation right now. I finally told him whilst drunk and naked in his bed after about two months of seeing him and recently realizing I was asexual. This is clearly not the most mature or sensible way of doing things, but I really struggle bringing up personal issues. It kinda worked out because he brought it up the next day while we were sober and clothed and we talked it out, which was good and healthy. Wouldn't necessarily suggest this method -- I'm sure others will be very opposed -- but i just told him without really thinking about it because it seemed like the right time. You might find a time that seems right too, preferably clothed and sober, though.

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Whatever you do, do not just do the sexaul things if you aren't into it. With my ex I had to mentally fight with the concept of "I wanted to want to have sex with him but I didn't actually want to have sex with him". That chewed me up for a long time because I felt so guilty, but also so repulsed and hurt by the idea of actually having sex. Remember consent isn't a case of we did it once (or almost did it once) so its now fair game. Consent needs to be present for every occasion. 

 

If it helps both times when I thought I was demi (more prayed than hoped) i told him over text. When I realised I was definietly asexual I also told him over text. I was so nervous, but the guy was super understanding. I would have been an absolute mess if I had to do it in person. You could verge the topic by saying "have you heard of asexuality" then explain the term, then explain how you feel, then explain how you like them and why you like them, then maybe talk about your different love languages. Do all the things I planned to do but failed to do. I hope this helps, and if you have already told him, I hope it went well. 

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13 hours ago, groovygrievy said:

Whatever you do, do not just do the sexaul things if you aren't into it. With my ex I had to mentally fight with the concept of "I wanted to want to have sex with him but I didn't actually want to have sex with him". That chewed me up for a long time because I felt so guilty, but also so repulsed and hurt by the idea of actually having sex. Remember consent isn't a case of we did it once (or almost did it once) so its now fair game. Consent needs to be present for every occasion. 

 

If it helps both times when I thought I was demi (more prayed than hoped) i told him over text. When I realised I was definietly asexual I also told him over text. I was so nervous, but the guy was super understanding. I would have been an absolute mess if I had to do it in person. You could verge the topic by saying "have you heard of asexuality" then explain the term, then explain how you feel, then explain how you like them and why you like them, then maybe talk about your different love languages. Do all the things I planned to do but failed to do. I hope this helps, and if you have already told him, I hope it went well. 

Thanks for the message! So relatable. I want to want  to have sex with him, but I don't actually want to. I'm also still holding on to a tiny shred of hope that I'm demi. Pretty much the only way I've been able to accept the asexuality thing, is by the tiniest shred of hope that maybe it's the wrong term for me, maybe I will feel these things one day. Maybe I could start by telling him I'm demi? And see if it turns into the truth? Or just leave the terms out of it and say something along the lines of "I'm just not a super sexual person, the thought of sex with you or anyone doesn't really appeal, but I still enjoy kissing and cuddling." I just don't know how to bring it up and what to say. 

 

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14 hours ago, hazelnut soup said:

Hi AllieCat,

 

I'm in a pretty darn similar situation right now. I finally told him whilst drunk and naked in his bed after about two months of seeing him and recently realizing I was asexual. This is clearly not the most mature or sensible way of doing things, but I really struggle bringing up personal issues. It kinda worked out because he brought it up the next day while we were sober and clothed and we talked it out, which was good and healthy. Wouldn't necessarily suggest this method -- I'm sure others will be very opposed -- but i just told him without really thinking about it because it seemed like the right time. You might find a time that seems right too, preferably clothed and sober, though.

Honestly this seems like a good idea. Like of course not the most sensible, but definitely an easier way. How did you phrase it??? Hey, I'm asexual? 

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  • 2 weeks later...
hazelnut soup
On 1/20/2020 at 11:07 AM, AllieCat said:

Honestly this seems like a good idea. Like of course not the most sensible, but definitely an easier way. How did you phrase it??? Hey, I'm asexual? 

I was basically just like "hey I have recently started to think i'm asexual bc i don't really want to have sex with you at all" (but in a more causal way) and he was like what does asexual mean.

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On 1/8/2020 at 2:25 AM, AllieCat said:

Hey

 I only recently realized that I may be asexual. I'm ok with kissing and touching... but ...I don't want to have sex? Definitely not now, and maybe not ever? 

Say that! 

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everywhere and nowhere

@AllieCat

Please, don't force yourself to have sex.

I'm - fortunately for myself - not speaking from experience. I have never been in a relationship, never had sex, and in fact I wouldn't want to ever want sex even more than I simply don't want to have sex. But I have seen people in similar situations.

A particular ace's feelings about possibly having sex might change. But my impression is they are more likely to change from more sex-indifferent towards more sex-averse, not the other way around. (I also suspect that some changes from sex-averse to sex-indifferent might be pushed, might be a result of exerting pressure on oneself. But maybe this are just my sex-negative tendencies speaking, or rather my pure hatred of the existence of unwanted sex. :evil:) Having to do something one doesn't like, doesn't desire, something which gives a person no pleasure (not necessarily always true, but low physical sensitivity to sexual stimuli seems not uncommon among asexuals) - it can make a person resentful, can even make them avoid any intimacy out of fear that it might lead to sex.

Remember that a lot of allosexual partners feel a need for something an asexual simply can't provide. They don't just need sex, they need to feel desired. At the very least, if your boyfriend is such a person, he deserves to know that even if you could have sex, you will never actively desire it.

But don't push yourself. Don't tell yourself that "this is what all couples do" because you are not all couples, you are this particular couple and it's up to you to decide what you want or don't want to do together. Don't tell yourself that you "should be like all the others" because others are not all alike. Don't tell yourself that "it's normal to have sex in a relationship" - because really, trust me, you don't have to be "normal".

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Thanks for everyone's replies! I ended up breaking up with him after everything. He was super feeling the need for sex, and I wasn't down. Guess I'm back to being single but it's for the best!

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