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Homer

Slate — Why Does My “Asexual” Boyfriend Keep Initiating Hot Sex With Me?

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Homer
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Dear How to Do It,

I am a straight woman in my late 20s dating a man of the same age. My boyfriend told me he was asexual when I met him. I am not, but that was never a problem; he is OK with hand stuff and receiving oral sex, and we have had a satisfying relationship for more than three years. Recently, we have begun having penetrative sex at his suggestion.

Jan 1, 2020 — https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/asexual-boyfriend-mismatch-still-wants-sex.html

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Jimmeh

Asexual boyfriend is no longer an asexual boyfriend.

 

or asexual boyfriend gets his definition of asexual from certain threads on this forum.

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Jon A.

Definitely one to ensure that the male of this species continues to look bad.

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Moon Spirit ☽
5 minutes ago, Jon A. said:

Definitely one to ensure that the male of this species continues to look bad.

The people (both male and female) who are identifying as asexual when it's clear they aren't are still a minority among people identifying as asexual, though. If anything, it just makes them look clueless instead of invalidating all asexuals.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Boyfriend is using the asexual label as an excuse to get out of discussions about sex and feelings.

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Jade Cross
2 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Boyfriend is using the asexual label as an excuse to get out of discussions about sex and feelings.

The same thought occurred to me

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RoseGoesToYale

It sounds like he might be shitticommunicatusexual. :P

 

That is, avoiding important discussions about sex.

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Sarah-Sylvia

Maybe he thought he was asexual, but is actually demisexual?
Hey might as well offer a different perspective, since everyone else seems to think he's a fake.

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jar.jar.binks.

I’m not sure if this is the case but when I was with my ex boyfriend, even though he was kind and accepting, I still felt horrible that I couldn’t give him a sexual relationship. So when he tried things I would try my best to go along with it for his sake. Once or twice I even felt so guilty that I would initiate. I don’t know your situation exactly but it seems like that could be a possibility, but you should definitely try and talk to him about it.

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Snao Cone
1 hour ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Boyfriend is using the asexual label as an excuse to get out of discussions about sex and feelings.

I really really doubt that's been the case for the 3+ years this couple has been together. He's obviously going through a lot with what he's learned about himself, and while it's not a healthy habit to shut down conversation with a partner, I don't think that's what his purpose of identifying as asexual has been. Obviously I don't know this couple, but it seems very unlikely that he told his girlfriend he was asexual for this reason. He's got a lot of growing to do, though, that's fer sher.

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Moon Spirit ☽
35 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Maybe he thought he was asexual, but is actually demisexual?
Hey might as well offer a different perspective, since everyone else seems to think he's a fake.

True. It's unfair to assume that he has bad intentions.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
12 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

I really really doubt that's been the case for the 3+ years this couple has been together. He's obviously going through a lot with what he's learned about himself, and while it's not a healthy habit to shut down conversation with a partner, I don't think that's what his purpose of identifying as asexual has been. Obviously I don't know this couple, but it seems very unlikely that he told his girlfriend he was asexual for this reason. He's got a lot of growing to do, though, that's fer sher.

Yeah well he's not here to be offended by my comment and I (like many others here) am over the whole "I'm asexual but I actively want sex and I don't want to talk about it or my identity so don't question me" crap that keeps cropping up every now and then (because it makes the whole community look bad imo). Yeah he probably is realising he's not ace, but he should be mature enough to talk about it after 3 frikken years instead of refusing to discuss it. Just my opinion though. Again he's not here to be offended so meh. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

From the article

 

"His identity is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to avoid having conversations he may find challenging. People of all orientations and identities are obliged to nourish their relationships by participating in communication and care."

 

That's more what I was getting at.

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Snao Cone
4 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Yeah well he's not here to be offended by my comment and I (like many others here) am over the whole "I'm asexual but I actively want sex and I don't want to talk about it or my identity so don't question me" crap that keeps cropping up every now and then (because it makes the whole community look bad imo)

Sounds like you think I'm on the side of people who do that, but I'm not, so whatevs.

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Homer

"An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction... unless they do".

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
4 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Sounds like you think I'm on the side of people who do that, but I'm not, so whatevs.

Sorry, did I do something to offend you?

 

As far as I know we haven't even spoken in ages so I can't think what's up with you claiming I was making some kind of personal judgement about you when I was literally just explaining my reasoning behind my original comment after you called it out/responded to it. 

 

Oh well, back to the topic at hand

 

4 minutes ago, Homer said:

"An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction... unless they do".

Yeah that about sums it up.

 

 

 

 

 

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Snao Cone
17 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Sorry, did I do something to offend you?

 

As far as I know we haven't even spoken in ages so I can't think what's up with you claiming I was making some kind of personal judgement about you when I was literally just explaining my reasoning behind my original comment after you called it out/responded to it. 

Sorry, you're right, I was taking things unreasonably personally because I was in the middle of an episode last night and made the poor decision of participating on AVEN in such a dangerous and volatile state. Still, I feel like the message of not needing to care because the boyfriend isn't on AVEN to be offended comes off as judgmental towards anyone feeling sympathy and understanding for people going through difficult changes in their relationships and their overall sense of identity, as if sympathy is the reason there's any misunderstanding about a/sexuality at all. I know that's not your intention, and you have a lot more nuanced things to say in this complex and elaborate discussion, but this stood out to me as unusually confrontational. I should not have responded and I apologize for intervening with my own strain of negativity.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
29 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Sorry, you're right, I was taking things unreasonably personally because I was in the middle of an episode last night and made the poor decision of participating on AVEN in such a dangerous and volatile state. Still, I feel like the message of not needing to care because the boyfriend isn't on AVEN to be offended comes off as judgmental towards anyone feeling sympathy and understanding for people going through difficult changes in their relationships and their overall sense of identity, as if sympathy is the reason there's any misunderstanding about a/sexuality at all. I know that's not your intention, and you have a lot more nuanced things to say in this complex and elaborate discussion, but this stood out to me as unusually confrontational. I should not have responded and I apologize for intervening with my own strain of negativity.

I was 'episoding' too if I'm honest. Both during my initial comment and my response to you. Definitely was in the kind of head-space that meant I should stay off AVEN. Sorry about coming across as overly-negative. I was definitely in an overly-negative and confrontational state of mind.. should have just slain some undead Dark Souls instead of AVENing. Hope you feel better now :cake:

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Snao Cone
23 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

I was 'episoding' too if I'm honest. Both during my initial comment and my response to you. Definitely was in the kind of head-space that meant I should stay off AVEN. Sorry about coming across as overly-negative. I was definitely in an overly-negative and confrontational state of mind.. should have just slain some undead Dark Souls instead of AVENing. Hope you feel better now :cake:

Thanks :)  I have hot chocolate and my dog is happy, so that's helping.

 

...and in a very far-reaching attempt to tie this back in with the original topic, I hope the couple in the OP is feeling better now too, and communicating better about their newfound sexual needs. :P 

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