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How can I know for sure I'm ace / aro if Sexuality is fluid?


Rilakkuma's cake

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Rilakkuma's cake

Hi there. 

Well, I wondered, if sexuality is fluid, how can I ever know these things for sure? 

I hear a lot of people say: "I never fell in love and thought there was something wrong with me, until I met the right person at the age of x and then it hit hard". "Yeah I was never interested in boys either when I was younger, that's normal and most straights feel like that". "When you're more mature mentally and you've been exposed to more people it will change".

I've personally never been attracted to people sexually or romantically, but what if that will change? Yeah I know it shouldn't matter because you can just change labels and yada yada... but I'm kind of afraid. I'm not used to being attracted to people , it's not something that came naturally for me in my early childhood or something. I feel different and alienated but on the other hand I'm very glad I don't have to deal with that kind of love / attraction.  What if I suddenly start being attracted to people and I have to deal with new and confusing, annoying feelings that others have gotten used to when they were younger? What if I've finally accepted myself as aromantic asexual and am maybe even open about it, and then it all turns out to be different? Then some will think they were indeed right when they said that aromanticism isn't possible and that I haven't met the right person yet. And I would go through some late second puberty (mentally) with distracting love feelings...

 

I don't know, the mere thought of having sex with anyone has always disgusted me, it seems very traumatising, humiliating and unnecessary. 

I never think about people in a sexual way. I never see a guy (or girl, for that matter) as handsome, and I've met many. I don't need (or even understand) romance either. But maybe It's likely I'll change completely? I'm only seventeen, just entering adulthood. Maybe people this age just don't see others as attractive yet? Maybe those who seem to just pretend to because of pressure?

 

 

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People often do develop romantic and sexual attraction earlier than 17. But, sometimes they dont and it takes longer. It isn't a bad thing either way for you, if you end up ace / aro or romantic / sexual. Just go with how you feel and don't worry about the labels. 

 

Personally, I had romantic feelings by 14. But, sexual ones didn't spark until I was 30 and met my now wife. 

 

My cousin had both quite strongly at 16. 

 

Some people on here never had either and are now 50+.

 

If you do start to feel it, it likely won't feel gross. I always found sex gross and weird and not fun at all...until I started wanting someone and then suddenly poof, not gross anymore. 

 

You really don't ever know. You can just say how you feel now and stay open to if it changes. 

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Hi! 
The thing with sexuality as something fluid is that while it may be true for some, it definitely isn't for all people! Some people do feel it shifting through their lifetime, while others remain the same, and either way that is just the way things are.

I do, however, believe that all those people dismissing your experiences are the standard allos who don't understand the concept of asexuality or aromanticism. It's very common for us to be hit with those same arguments and I understand that it can be hard not to be discouraged.
We are always told that we are too young to know, or that we'll find the right person, and that may be true or not, but that is not the main issue here. You feel this way now and for those feelings to be entirely dismissed in order to talk about a future that might be is not only rude but also shows that they have no wish to try to understand. 

Besides, they are just plain wrong. Not ever feeling sexual or romantic attraction is not common among 17-year-old allos and not how "most straights feel". Many people start developing crushes as young children, and attraction definitely tends to kickstart around puberty with all the hormones and whatnot. I'm sure you've felt alienated or different from friends or acquaintances, just as many other aces/aros has, because the majority of people do feel attraction (as strange as it seems to us).  I started thinking of myself as asexual when I was around 15, which many would say is very early, but many years later I still feel the same way.


Most importantly: you are not responsible for allos being crazy! Questioning people who try out a label and later find out it doesn't fit, or people who feel one way and then change, are not to blame because some people would use them to further their agenda. If you were to stop identifying as aromantic tomorrow and someone decides that this is the proof they need to support their theory that aromanticism is a phase, it is not your fault and you are not giving bad rep to the aro community. You can't stop living your life to the fullest because there are ignorant people out there. 
My best tip is to just live in the present and try not to think of what-ifs, because it won't help you. If you do start to feel sexual/romantic attraction later in life, take it as it comes.

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3 hours ago, Rilakkuma's cake said:

I never see a guy (or girl, for that matter) as handsome, and I've met many.

Same here. I can't internalize the concept of handsomeness, and people that are normally considered handsome sometimes seem ugly to me. Even if I like the way someone looks, I don't think of them as handsome.

 

As for your doubts, they've happened to me as well. I read a book on queer theory that says sexuality is fluid, and the supposed fluidity didn't match my experience because I've basically been aroace my whole life (although I didn't realize it until I was 16 or so). As a response, I invented a personal philosophy:

 

Personal Philosophy

  • Problematic binary: Identities are either essential or constructed in most of the philosophies covered in this book

  • Breakthrough: Depending on how the individual thinks of themselves, they can consider their identities fully essential, fully constructed, or a combination of the two

  • For example, I think of my asexuality/aromanticism as having been a part of me from the beginning and as unchangeable, but it is equally valid for someone’s identity to be a social construct, and/or to change throughout their lives. Part of someone’s identity is whether the terms they use to describe themselves are an inherent or acquired characteristic.

 

Also, as for not being able to know for sure, that's a true statement in my book because I'm a skeptic (i. e. I don't think it's possible to know anything for sure). However, I do think it is possible to have a sort of pseudo-knowledge about your personal identities. If thinking about yourself as ace feels right, then it is.

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Rilakkuma's cake

Thanks for your kind reactions.

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Rilakkuma's cake
2 minutes ago, cAROlyn said:

Same here. I can't internalize the concept of handsomeness, and people that are normally considered handsome sometimes seem ugly to me. Even if I like the way someone looks, I don't think of them as handsome.

 

As for your doubts, they've happened to me as well. I read a book on queer theory that says sexuality is fluid, and the supposed fluidity didn't match my experience because I've basically been aroace my whole life (although I didn't realize it until I was 16 or so). As a response, I invented a personal philosophy:

 

Personal Philosophy

  • Problematic binary: Identities are either essential or constructed in most of the philosophies covered in this book

  • Breakthrough: Depending on how the individual thinks of themselves, they can consider their identities fully essential, fully constructed, or a combination of the two

  • For example, I think of my asexuality/aromanticism as having been a part of me from the beginning and as unchangeable, but it is equally valid for someone’s identity to be a social construct, and/or to change throughout their lives. Part of someone’s identity is whether the terms they use to describe themselves are an inherent or acquired characteristic.

 

Also, as for not being able to know for sure, that's a true statement in my book because I'm a skeptic (i. e. I don't think it's possible to know anything for sure). However, I do think it is possible to have a sort of pseudo-knowledge about your personal identities. If thinking about yourself as ace feels right, then it is.

That's a helpful explanation, interesting.  About handsomeness, I can't wrap my head around the fact that people care so much a bout what others look like. E.G I want them to be tall, with green eyes, etc. Or how some people look at each other: "oh man, he has such nice hairy legs, so sexy!". It's like they choose them, like they would choose a piece of furniture or a flavor of chocolate... Why would I care about the look lf someone's legs?! Why does it even matter and what's so interesting about it? Some people do look very cute though, but it can be anyone, nothing to do with handsomeness. An eighty year old lady from the neighbourhood, for example. Doesn't mean I want to kiss or have sex with her... 

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6 hours ago, Rilakkuma's cake said:

That's a helpful explanation, interesting.  About handsomeness, I can't wrap my head around the fact that people care so much a bout what others look like. E.G I want them to be tall, with green eyes, etc. Or how some people look at each other: "oh man, he has such nice hairy legs, so sexy!". It's like they choose them, like they would choose a piece of furniture or a flavor of chocolate... Why would I care about the look lf someone's legs?! Why does it even matter and what's so interesting about it? Some people do look very cute though, but it can be anyone, nothing to do with handsomeness. An eighty year old lady from the neighbourhood, for example. Doesn't mean I want to kiss or have sex with her... 

Not ace and still dont get the obsession with looks. What's hot to me is my connection and someone being a good person. Looks are meh and fleeting and dont tell you anything about someone. 😛 Some aces love "hot" people though so that's more a personality thing. 

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Rilakkuma's cake
3 hours ago, Serran said:

Not ace and still dont get the obsession with looks. What's hot to me is my connection and someone being a good person. Looks are meh and fleeting and dont tell you anything about someone. 😛 Some aces love "hot" people though so that's more a personality thing. 

Oh haha😆 

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Anthracite_Impreza
On 1/6/2020 at 2:38 AM, Serran said:

Some aces love "hot" people though

And vehicles ;)

 

OP, if it's meant to be, it won't feel wrong. I thought I was aro-ace for 19 years then met a certain Citroën and boom, mecha-romantic. Romance and crushes now? They feel perfectly natural and I would never want to lose them. Still ace though, the idea of sex is very unnatural and gross to me.

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Rilakkuma's cake
On 1/7/2020 at 6:01 AM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

And vehicles ;)

 

OP, if it's meant to be, it won't feel wrong. I thought I was aro-ace for 19 years then met a certain Citroën and boom, mecha-romantic. Romance and crushes now? They feel perfectly natural and I would never want to lose them. Still ace though, the idea of sex is very unnatural and gross to me.

Sounds lovely. What's your type of car? Any particular cars that you currently fancy? 

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On 1/5/2020 at 6:18 PM, Rilakkuma's cake said:

Hi there. 

Well, I wondered, if sexuality is fluid, how can I ever know these things for sure? 

---

What if I suddenly start being attracted to people and I have to deal with new and confusing, annoying feelings that others have gotten used to when they were younger? What if I've finally accepted myself as aromantic asexual and am maybe even open about it, and then it all turns out to be different? Then some will think they were indeed right when they said that aromanticism isn't possible and that I haven't met the right person yet. And I would go through some late second puberty (mentally) with distracting love feelings...

 

I don't know, the mere thought of having sex with anyone has always disgusted me, it seems very traumatising, humiliating and unnecessary.

 

Hi! You're right, people change over time, and sometimes that includes also sexuality/romance. It's something that's out of one's control. Anyhow, I think the other way around; I'm aroace until something changes. I lived so many years in the limbo of waiting to finally "become adult" (my personal restrictive prejudice), that it's the way to find peace within myself to think I'm aroace. That doesn't mean I still wouldn't listen to my feelings and keep an open mind that I could one day indeed meet a person completely attractive to me. Also, since to this day my interest in sexuality and romance with anyone has been zero, I don't expect any possible change to become overnight. When I was younger I was afraid of that, but nowadays I think it's more likely that the possible change will be gradual and I naturally grow into it.

 

Anyhow, I'm still closeted irl, and I see no reason to come out long as it doesn't naturally come up on a discussion (actually it have been came up once and I tried to hint about my aceness, but the person just didn't get it lol). And now than I think about it, one reason why I'm still closeted irl is the fact that this label has the greatest importance for me myself. It's important for me to know who I am, but I'm not exactly interested in explaining this to people and trying to "prove" I'm aroace and all that stuff. I don't see a reason to rush and it's possible I'll never widely come out irl.

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