New Years Declaration from my wife, I think I am asexual...

[LostThunder]

Greeting ladies and gentlemen,

Like most I am going to asking for some experience, support and suggestions. After knowing my wife for 17 years and being married for 12 on the evening of the 2nd of January my wife relatively calmly explained that she is going to seek a psychological help to understand herself better as she thinks she's "asexual".  The night before we were at her parents house in the Black Forest in Germany and after the classic little fireworks my 8 year old son went to bed with the grandparents and alone on the coach we tried to watch some Netflix, Internet isn't so good, then I tried to go to bed, got up again at 2:30am and started a 2hr walk around through the neighborhood and forest.

The next evening on the coach came the revealivation she finds our life good but between us it just doesn't work and she thinks it is because she is “asexual” and to be fair she thinks maybe we could open the relationship, and that she knowns that she isn't satisfying my needs (she can say that again, I’d already decided we qualified as a sexless marriage), and she thinks she'd be ok if I was to have sex with someone else.  After a few questions it was clear to me that she was definitely not dying to go sleep with other men or missing something from me that she could get elsewhere.

I told her that it is I nice offer, but as a 52 year old engineer in the automobile industry I have almost no contact with other women and if I'd had the chance for an affair I would probably have indulged.  But after a few more questions she answered if I did she would care to know, said without any sign of jealousy.  She seemed lightened and happy to have brought it out in the open and I requested that we discuss what she discovers in sessions with a counselor, she needs to find one she is comfortable with first.

So I guess I'll embellish my life story later, like that I am an only child from Colorado that immigrated back to my father’s home country, Germany after finishing degrees in German and Mechanical Engineering in Boulder in 1999.

But now being from Boulder I consider myself fairly progressive and knowledgeable in alternative sexualities and relationships, but I had to google "asexual" and am now reading my way through the German and US AVEN forums for sexual partners of asexuals, I also feel the term “aromantic” could apply to my wife but have to understand it better. 

But now alot of things make sense, why sex and romance was so suppressed from the beginning, why we never made love on vacations, whether beach or skiing, why romantic massages from myside never turned into romantic sex, why she never remembers to give me a hug or hold my hand, why she never cuddles up in bed, why nothing leads to more intimacy. 

We are now in normal family life after holidays, we have a great son, getting alittle bit into the "so what" phase, but I have never really been able to think about leaving and not getting to experience him every day, I read to him every night and often send him off to school before jogging to work. 

My parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade, I lived with my mother until the 8th but moved back in with my father isolated in the Colorado Mountains when my mother got too emotional, today we call it bi-polar.  So I missed alot of female contact, had my first girlfriend at 19 and have generally always lusted after women with my eyes. I've learned to be a good lover and had a fair amount of good sexual relationships, but a few of the women that I wanted to settle down with didn't work out, and somehow great sexual partners were never great mother/wife material...

So how did I fall for someone that gave me roots and a home life but has constantly driven me into sexual and romantic frustration?  One voice screams why couldn't she have known herself and discovered her "in-ability" to feel "that way" before we became vested...The other voice says idiot how long has she been trying to figure it out.  She told me in New Year 2016 she thought she had never had an orgasm, which I was pretty sure her body was experiencing, then there was the maddening start at love making and me glimpsing passion until click something in her head switched off and another frustrating end.

Now she is the same person as before 1.Jan, I keep reminding myself, but I feel the weight of years of frustration and wondering what I am doing wrong both lifted but feeling all the lost energy and spilled alcohol not being able to express the love and romance I really desire/need to. I would worship my wife and women if I would be able to. Now the dream of sharing that with my wife are forever buried. I feel so sad, like someone died. I can see a better future, with my wife but I don't know how I'm going to get there.

Now I have some advantages here in Germany over the US. The sex trade is legal and I have found some places where you can have really nice "girlfriend sex" for €120/hr. But longterm that won't satify missing romance. I could see it working to have a girlfriend with benefits, but will be work finding intelligent women that are interested in a longterm boyfriend, I could imagine alot of possibilities.

So I hope that some care to offer their support to my new life phase, thanks for reading

Thunder

[Traveler40]

Welcome to AVEN. I’m sorry it’s tough, but am glad you have the clarity of knowing. It seems you also have an open mind, love for your wife and fairly good communication. 

 

Additionally, the mental and educational parts are seemingly well handled and you are thoughtfully working towards solutions for your situation and life.  

 

That’s all good stuff on your end which will help you along the way. All the best in your journey. 

[SusannaC]

@LostThunder,   Welcome.  It’s a lot to emotionally process, so give yourself time.   Your feelings of loss and sadness are understandable and many here have experienced similar.   You are intelligent and thoughtful and open minded and respectful of your wife; all great qualities for helping your situation at this time.  Finding a partner for an open relationship may take some work and patience and when it happens, present some unexpected challenges.  Think carefully about this option.  
My challenge with asexuality was ACCEPTING that I could not change my spouse and his needs, and dealing with my grief over dreams for a romantic relationship that would not ever exist.    I wish you all the best.

[Grimalkin]

I would just like to add that it sounds like she's really trying here. In a lot of relationships where people find out they're asexual far down the line in marriage, they just expect their partner to completely accept it and carry on as if nothing has changed. The fact that she plans to see a therapist, has opened the marriage for you (this isn't for some people, I understand, but she did), and has above all come right out and told you once she knew, that all speaks of a certain maturity of character. 

 

I wouldn't diagnose her with aromanticism right away. There are a number of reasons she could be not very physically affectionate. For one, some people (even sexual people) have different love languages that do not prioritize physical touch. For another (and this is fairly common), asexual people instinctively learn after a long time in a dead bedroom relationship that if they're even a little physically affectionate, it will "have" to lead to sex, which they dread, so they cut back on that as well, possibly without even noticing. 

 

Lastly, it's also quite common for asexual people not to know they're asexual for most of their life, especially among women. Sexuality in women has historically never been prized. Women often come from backgrounds where they're taught that men are the ones who want sex and women just sort of go along with it. It's expected of most of society that they will get married and have children, and some people don't think to question it. Some people assume they do feel sexual attraction to their partner when they want to kiss them/be close to them, even though that isn't the same thing (that may be sensual or aesthetic attraction). It took me a couple of relationships to figure it out myself. (I also experience something close to orgasm but not really orgasm during sex sometimes, so I understand why she might have been confused.)

 

I know it's been very frustrating for you all these years, I am not debating that. The sad fact of the matter is that you two have incompatible sexualities, and there's no "one size fits all" answer to how to deal with this. Perhaps you could talk to your wife about romance and aromanticism, and see if there's any chance the two of you could rekindle that side of things, if the sexual aspect is going to be dealt with elsewhere. Couples' counseling might be good to help the two of you express things in a healthy way. 

 

In the end, only you can decide whether this relationship is going to work for you. I'm sorry that both of you have been so unfortunate throughout this marriage. Perhaps now that the truth has been discovered, the two of you can begin to heal. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, LostThunder said:

Now I have some advantages here in Germany over the US. The sex trade is legal

This is not something anyone should do.

[anisotrophic]

Welcome @LostThunder, and I'm so sorry for what's happened. I think this first period of  revelation is the most painful one, because you're left with giving up hope and mourning for something that may have never existed.

 

For many/most sexual people, sex is very connected to our experience of love. It can be hard to disentangle that from romantic feeling; indeed, it may be impossible.

 

I think one of the important things to do is reflect on what sex and love mean to you, and learn what they mean for your partner. People communicate love in different ways, and I found the "five love languages" idea helpful. (I think it's a little more complicated than that, but it was helpful to pay attention to different ways people do "love".)

 

That said, I took long walks to nowhere. I cried my heart out, many times. (Aside: I can't cry much anymore because I've started testosterone, turns out it really is harder for men to cry, generally speaking.)

 

I think it is good to allow yourself a period of grief (it took me around six months to feel better than before I knew, but in the end it was better to know) and to spend some time understanding each other, and trying to improve on what love means within your marriage. It sounds like your partner wants to communicate & wants you to be happy -- it's still really painful to experience the rejection, but it's really important to have communication and empathy for each other, that's something to focus on preserving.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, SusannaC said:

My challenge with asexuality was ACCEPTING that I could change my spouse and his needs, and dealing with my grief over dreams for a romantic relationship that would not ever exist.    I wish you all the best.

 

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

I think it is good to allow yourself a period of grief (it took me around six months to feel better than before I knew, but in the end it was better to know) and to spend some time understanding each other, and trying to improve on what love means within your marriage. It sounds like your partner wants to communicate & wants you to be happy -- it's still really painful to experience the rejection, but it's really important to have communication and empathy for each other, that's something to focus on preserving.

Both of these. 

 

It's a process, and it's not a quick one. Grieve for a bit. It's going to be hard and it's going to hurt. Having a friend to contact when you feel yourself slipping into the darkness is helpful. I'll forever be thankful for Lady Girl... we were able to text each other when things got really difficult, and it's great to have someone who understands who can be there for support, distraction, whatever. 

 

As time goes on, your brain will accept it but your emotions will not. You'll think you're fine and you accept the situation, and then you'll be floored by something. In those moments, it's important to reflect on whatever subconscious thoughts, hopes, expectations, etc, are still lingering. Once you understand, fully, that your partner isn't trying to hurt you, then it becomes time to learn how to stop hurting yourself over it. 

 

It may or may not work out. It's... there are a lot of wonderful, sexual people out there, and the likelihood that you will meet one seems fairly high. Be open to being happy, whatever that ends up being. 

[LostThunder]

5 hours ago, Grimalkin said:

I would just like to add that it sounds like she's really trying here. In a lot of relationships where people find out they're asexual far down the line in marriage, they just expect their partner to completely accept it and carry on as if nothing has changed. The fact that she plans to see a therapist, has opened the marriage for you (this isn't for some people, I understand, but she did), and has above all come right out and told you once she knew, that all speaks of a certain maturity of character. 

 

I wouldn't diagnose her with aromanticism right away. There are a number of reasons she could be not very physically affectionate. For one, some people (even sexual people) have different love languages that do not prioritize physical touch. For another (and this is fairly common), asexual people instinctively learn after a long time in a dead bedroom relationship that if they're even a little physically affectionate, it will "have" to lead to sex, which they dread, so they cut back on that as well, possibly without even noticing. 

 

Lastly, it's also quite common for asexual people not to know they're asexual for most of their life, especially among women. Sexuality in women has historically never been prized. Women often come from backgrounds where they're taught that men are the ones who want sex and women just sort of go along with it. It's expected of most of society that they will get married and have children, and some people don't think to question it. Some people assume they do feel sexual attraction to their partner when they want to kiss them/be close to them, even though that isn't the same thing (that may be sensual or aesthetic attraction). It took me a couple of relationships to figure it out myself. (I also experience something close to orgasm but not really orgasm during sex sometimes, so I understand why she might have been confused.)

 

I know it's been very frustrating for you all these years, I am not debating that. The sad fact of the matter is that you two have incompatible sexualities, and there's no "one size fits all" answer to how to deal with this. Perhaps you could talk to your wife about romance and aromanticism, and see if there's any chance the two of you could rekindle that side of things, if the sexual aspect is going to be dealt with elsewhere. Couples' counseling might be good to help the two of you express things in a healthy way. 

 

In the end, only you can decide whether this relationship is going to work for you. I'm sorry that both of you have been so unfortunate throughout this marriage. Perhaps now that the truth has been discovered, the two of you can begin to heal. 

Thanks for your honest input, I do see a better future, but am now in a place of morning the end of old sterotype dreams, this morning my son got up and watched tv, asked him if I should Come cuddle with him, he said ok, I put on pjs and cuddled to him to watch NASA apollo films, at some point he says why are you with me here is mommy not a good bed partner, me out of a dosy state with chin dropping, then he ran off to go pee, lucky I didn’t have to answer, kids are so disarming. 
Tonight my wife is having a Murder Mistery Dinner party with her geocaching friends. I took my son to the US 3D Star Wars film to get us out of the way. She is wearing her red dress from our wedding, she looks good, amazing that after less stressful job and life she fits in again after 12 years, but I feel so sad for the end of the honeymoon that we didn’t have, never the old adage put a penny in the jar for everytime you make love in the first year and spend a lifetime taking a penny out for everytime you make love after...

 

It is hard to always see how she can laugh, be funny, relaxed, have a wine or drink (she never drinks anything with me) around friends, she must be an awesome person to have ad a friend.  For so long I have felt guilty being around her and desiring her.  Makes sense like you say.  It must like always like waiting to be date raped, if you allow anything more than scratching your back like she does on our intimate couch Netflix from opposite sides of the couch.  
 

It is going to be hard to find out what it means to her to show love.  I would love for her to be able to let down the scared rabbit, just be gruff to hold the distance.  I could really see myself being a fully romantic boyfriend to a woman that wants to have her independence but be aromatic.  And then coming home to my wife and sin as a more balanced man. Hopefully then my wife can let her guard down and we can become good friends and companions.  
 

But damit she is laughing in the next room wearing her wedding dress and it hurts.  Your experience of it taking 6 months to mourn sounds like a good goal after 18 yers of frustration and longing...

 

I‘ve lost my thunder, but luckily no matter how hard you throw that hammer away, eventually it comes back to your hand, thanks my former country people for helping me through the waiting period till mx hammer comes back.

PS I promise I‘ll do my best to show my son how to be a proud American, Star Wars, visiting Space Shuttles, the Liberty Bell DC and NY.  I tell him we can‘t cuss out Mr. Trump even if we don’t like what he does because you at home voted for him. I am flying over to register to vote him out, I won’t be tricked into inaction by the russians and Facebook again.  This internet is such a double edged sword, I couldn’t appeal to your support without it...

night thanks for reading

lost Colorado Thunder

 

[anisotrophic]

@LostThunder it sounds like therapy for both of you will help a lot -- which is to say, you should too, I think. For us, my partner and I independently saw LGBTQIA-savvy therapists that worked heavily with relationships (ie they did couples therapy, although we didn't do that specifically). Maybe the therapist your partner sees can recommend someone for you.

 

2 hours ago, LostThunder said:

For so long I have felt guilty being around her and desiring her.  Makes sense like you say.  It must like always like waiting to be date raped, if you allow anything more than scratching your back like she does on our intimate couch Netflix from opposite sides of the couch.

 

Stuff like this -- learning what your partner experiences -- is going to be something to face. I hope this isn't how it's felt for your partner, but sometimes a cycle of stress and avoidance sets in. It's worth noting that consent is valid for asexual folks... it will never be enthusiastic, but they can still decide to do it -- some find it more unpleasant than others. I was shattered when I realized it was always a sometimes-stressful chore for my partner, and always had been, I felt sick, but he's assured me I never breached consent over the years.
 

In the end we both learned a lot about each other. It can feel stupid coming to that after a dozen years of marriage, but it was a good thing.

 

2 hours ago, LostThunder said:

PS I promise I‘ll do my best to show my son how to be a proud American, Star Wars, visiting Space Shuttles, the Liberty Bell DC and NY.  I tell him we can‘t cuss out Mr. Trump even if we don’t like what he does because you at home voted for him. I am flying over to register to vote him out, I won’t be tricked into inaction by the russians and Facebook again.

There's lots of US culture to love, despite Trump... I'm a big Hamilton fan! My UK spouse was first & I finally tried listening to it a year after he did. I think he pretty much learned that period of US history from it. 😂 (Not a terrible intro. Later he probably learned a bit more as he got citizenship.)

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, LostThunder said:

PS I promise I‘ll do my best to show my son how to be a proud American, Star Wars, visiting Space Shuttles, the Liberty Bell DC and NY.  I tell him we can‘t cuss out Mr. Trump even if we don’t like what he does because you at home voted for him. I am flying over to register to vote him out, I won’t be tricked into inaction by the russians and Facebook again.  This internet is such a double edged sword, I couldn’t appeal to your support without it...

Show your son that a proud man, a man worthy of that title, shoud only have sex with people he loves (provided that such a man does feel a desire for sex, because people who don't should never force themselves to have sex). A good man should never ever take advantage of people in the sex trade, which are almost always in that "trade" due to more or less direct pressure.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Show your son that a proud man, a man worthy of that title, shoud only have sex with people he loves (provided that such a man does feel a desire for sex, because people who don't should never force themselves to have sex). A good man should never ever take advantage of people in the sex trade, which are almost always in that "trade" due to more or less direct pressure.

Them using legal and ethical sex workers doesnt make them a bad man not worthy of the title so please just stop. Your puritanical morals are yours, not everyone's. 

 

OP: I hope you and your wife can find a way to at least be good friends again. I know for me, sex eventually just became such a dread that I tried to not be noticed by my exes in whatever way I could. Maybe with sex off the table you two can find other intimacies you enjoy. And, there are online resources for finding women even if you dont interact with them now. The beauty of modern dating is even if you dont have a RL outlet there are countless ways to find people online and nearby to start dating. So if that's what you would want, you could look into that.

[everywhere and nowhere]

10 hours ago, Serran said:

Them using legal and ethical sex workers doesnt make them a bad man not worthy of the title so please just stop.

Is acceptance of prostitution now obligatory?

[Guest]

22 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Is acceptance of prostitution now obligatory?

Not insulting users because they dont follow your personal morals is called common decency and respecting people's differences. Which should be obligatory.  I dont come into your threads and bash you for things you say that I find repulsive, because... I don't have to agree with your views to grant you basic respect. It's just rude to come into this person's support / advice thread, latch onto one thing and proceed to insult them over it. You can disagree with something without being insulting and you dont have to post repeatedly on a tiny point that has little to do with the main thread just to bash them for not agreeing with your personal moral philosophy. Newsflash, people are different. And if you disagree with prostitution, one post is enough to say so. And you can say it without insulting the OP. And if you really, really need to preach about it further, go make a thread in hotbox where that belongs. 

 

Now I'm done derailing this person's thread. Hopefully you can do the same. 

[Switters]

On 1/6/2020 at 1:27 AM, LostThunder said:

Greeting ladies and gentlemen,

 

Like most I am going to asking for some experience, support and suggestions. After knowing my wife for 17 years and being married for 12 on the evening of the 2nd of January my wife relatively calmly explained that she is going to seek a psychological help to understand herself better as she thinks she's "asexual".  The night before we were at her parents house in the Black Forest in Germany and after the classic little fireworks my 8 year old son went to bed with the grandparents and alone on the coach we tried to watch some Netflix, Internet isn't so good, then I tried to go to bed, got up again at 2:30am and started a 2hr walk around through the neighborhood and forest.

 

The next evening on the coach came the revealivation she finds our life good but between us it just doesn't work and she thinks it is because she is “asexual” and to be fair she thinks maybe we could open the relationship, and that she knowns that she isn't satisfying my needs (she can say that again, I’d already decided we qualified as a sexless marriage), and she thinks she'd be ok if I was to have sex with someone else.  After a few questions it was clear to me that she was definitely not dying to go sleep with other men or missing something from me that she could get elsewhere.

 

I told her that it is I nice offer, but as a 52 year old engineer in the automobile industry I have almost no contact with other women and if I'd had the chance for an affair I would probably have indulged.  But after a few more questions she answered if I did she would care to know, said without any sign of jealousy.  She seemed lightened and happy to have brought it out in the open and I requested that we discuss what she discovers in sessions with a counselor, she needs to find one she is comfortable with first.

 

So I guess I'll embellish my life story later, like that I am an only child from Colorado that immigrated back to my father’s home country, Germany after finishing degrees in German and Mechanical Engineering in Boulder in 1999.

 

But now being from Boulder I consider myself fairly progressive and knowledgeable in alternative sexualities and relationships, but I had to google "asexual" and am now reading my way through the German and US AVEN forums for sexual partners of asexuals, I also feel the term “aromantic” could apply to my wife but have to understand it better. 

 

But now alot of things make sense, why sex and romance was so suppressed from the beginning, why we never made love on vacations, whether beach or skiing, why romantic massages from myside never turned into romantic sex, why she never remembers to give me a hug or hold my hand, why she never cuddles up in bed, why nothing leads to more intimacy. 

 

We are now in normal family life after holidays, we have a great son, getting alittle bit into the "so what" phase, but I have never really been able to think about leaving and not getting to experience him every day, I read to him every night and often send him off to school before jogging to work. 

 

My parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade, I lived with my mother until the 8th but moved back in with my father isolated in the Colorado Mountains when my mother got too emotional, today we call it bi-polar.  So I missed alot of female contact, had my first girlfriend at 19 and have generally always lusted after women with my eyes. I've learned to be a good lover and had a fair amount of good sexual relationships, but a few of the women that I wanted to settle down with didn't work out, and somehow great sexual partners were never great mother/wife material...

 

So how did I fall for someone that gave me roots and a home life but has constantly driven me into sexual and romantic frustration?  One voice screams why couldn't she have known herself and discovered her "in-ability" to feel "that way" before we became vested...The other voice says idiot how long has she been trying to figure it out.  She told me in New Year 2016 she thought she had never had an orgasm, which I was pretty sure her body was experiencing, then there was the maddening start at love making and me glimpsing passion until click something in her head switched off and another frustrating end.

 

Now she is the same person as before 1.Jan, I keep reminding myself, but I feel the weight of years of frustration and wondering what I am doing wrong both lifted but feeling all the lost energy and spilled alcohol not being able to express the love and romance I really desire/need to. I would worship my wife and women if I would be able to. Now the dream of sharing that with my wife are forever buried. I feel so sad, like someone died. I can see a better future, with my wife but I don't know how I'm going to get there.

 

Now I have some advantages here in Germany over the US. The sex trade is legal and I have found some places where you can have really nice "girlfriend sex" for €120/hr. But longterm that won't satify missing romance. I could see it working to have a girlfriend with benefits, but will be work finding intelligent women that are interested in a longterm boyfriend, I could imagine alot of possibilities.

 

So I hope that some care to offer their support to my new life phase, thanks for reading

 

Thunder

It is kinda a new thing where people can be honest. Asexual has existed always. It's worse for women. We all have needs on a spectrum. Unfortunately it takes time OR space to understand that. We are just starting a period when life doesn't have to be binary. It's been a year and a half since my wife figured out she is asexual. We are still learning. It still hurts but we are finding a way. I think somehow it's worse to be asexual than gay because people don't know how to categorize you. That comment is not an absolute by the way. Just that being asexual isn't tolerable in the way other things are

[Gnome.1]

Therapy for all is a good idea to try and talk through what the new normal is going to look like.   The talk with my wife of 20 years was just a few months ago and we are still working on things and probably will for a long time to come.  

 

Much of our issues come down to touch.   My love language is very much touch, hugs, cuddles, holding hands,  just touching at all.  The problem with this is that the wife goes through periods of touch aversion but would not communicate this.  With her not understanding my need for touch she interpreted everything I did as wanting to lead to sex.  This ment many times she would just initiate sex at the slightest suggestion of touch intimacy just to get it over with, or she would lash out to make me mad and try to keep me at a distance that way.

 

The new normal at the moment involves a lot of communication.  She knows that I crave touch but that it doesn't ever have to lead to anything else.  It's all about the communication of needs, wants, and boundaries. 

 

As far as the extramarital sex goes is it that she is ok with you just having basically a friend with benefits deal going or is a relationship allowed.   If a relationship is allowed you might want to think about looking into polyamory.  The community is very loving and open to many dynamics with the understanding that one person cannot fulfill all the needs and desires of another.   Not sure how many people on here are involved in polyamory but I know on the polyamory sites many people identify as ace or aro and use this as a way to meet their needs while at the same time letting their partner get the needs that they can't fulfill get met by someone else.   Just a thought. 

[M3Star]

Lost Thunder you sound just like me only my husband is just like your wife.  We are both teachers and are very well known in our town, so I am trapped in this sexless marriage.  I’m 46 and have 3 wonderful children with my husband.  He has absolutely no interest in sex.  We’ve had sex 4 or 5 times in 14 years. (Since we had kids).  One of our kids had major health problems, which was the start of our romantic separation.  To be honest, we weren’t all that romantic to begin with. I feel unattractive despite many men staring my way each day.  I’m beginning to not feel like a woman.  I feel genderless in this relationship.   My parents both divorced twice and I don’t  want to put my children through that.  As a teacher, I see the effects of divorce.  I would never resort to sleeping around.  Too afraid of feeling guilty and possibly contracting an STI.  I’m just going to stay busy for now. Maybe take a few college classes for fun and get my PHD. When the kids are adults maybe I’ll rethink my marriage if we’re still sexless. Good luck Thunder!  You sound like a good dad and husband.  If only my husband felt like you do.  Well life goes on!  PS.  I just saw Star Wars too.  What  a great movie!  

[SusannaC]

@M3Star, I’m glad to hear a bit about your story and recognize the similarities to my own.  This only helps to reinforce that we aren’t alone in our struggles.  There is no easy answer, but it helps to know others have experienced similar heartaches.    Hang in there, and do the best you can for yourself and your kids.  

[LostThunder]

Hello All,

 

Just want to check in again and acknowlege that your responses did help; especial those from Grimalkin; SusannaC; Serran; anisotrophic and Gnome.1.

Gnome.1 your tip about polyamory community was a good seed. I started looking into this, and still am and have decided to persue this lifestyle. Admittedly, some of the concept is that I invested so much time in a relationship that could never fulfill my needs. On the oneside you get mad at yourself for selling yourself short and not admitting and demanding that you talk about the deficit and on the otherside you see the sillyness of expecting to settle down with one person and have all your needs, wants and wishes met.

So for me there was alot to do with being an emmigrant to Germany without any family or roots.  I was looking for a home in the forest (away from the big city of Stuttgart) with an intact extended family and a cause, in this case a hiking club that operated a nice hiking hut, where we spent everyother weekend working in 3 generations, and I saw a young girl (22) with potential and fell for her. But from the beginning there was this fight to keep me at distance after two weeks of not seeing her so that instead of sex and romance we spent the evenings at the other ends of the couch watching a movie where she invariably fell asleep in 40min (good avoidance technique). 

 

So you get into the routine of frustration and the good American puriatian upbringing "really you are not supposed to want, need or expect romance and sex, and be patient she'll open up the flashes show there is potential..."

 

So she didn't know why, she didn't want what should be expected to be normal and I didn't have the overview to set my limits, I fell in love with her after a few months. So our communication sucked and still does. Everytime I would get mad at her in the last months I'd listen to another podcast or read these forums about Asexuality and change to empathy instead of anger. But our habits are set and well worn. She hasn't found a pyschologist that she wants to work with. She has a ex coworker that she is going to see if she can sleep with to see if it feels different, I wish her well. She's reading a book about learning to orgasim but otherwise I think she is more avoidance that heading into it. Going to have to find a way to talk to her about it. But with a son and the daily routine it is dam hard to find the right time to talk about her sexual orientation. It could be that we were just never meant for each other and never really connected, but after 18 years I know I tried my best with the information that was available to me.

 

We have talked a few times, recently during this Corona shut in it is obivous that we don't want to continue for ever this way and we seek seperate apartments close to each other where my son can alternate weeks with us. But we grown ups have alot to learn and sort out before we spring this on my son.

 

I have been seeing my english speaking councilour, and as she points out there is no bad blood, we don't want to hurt each other and are a good family and parents. It is just nights are hard with lonely bed and no physical touch, I'm always afraid to force something that she doesn't want, but so far it is just my assumptions she hasn't really told me want she wants from me or what she can offer me going forward.  I've been giving her time to deal at her speed but soon she needs to clarify some more.

 

I started into OKcupid and Polyamory meeting groups and online groups here in Stuttgart and around. Was just starting to meet some when the Corona crisis hit, and it hits hard been on lockdown with someone that you can't find consolance with, but we are focused on my son of 9 that doesn't want to go out of the house and really takes it hard, he needs lots of cuddling (my job) and his new Nintendo Switch.

 

I have good hope to find some Poly women here in the Metropolis of Stuttgart and within 2 hours Frankfurt, Munich, Switzerland and France. And it can be a benefit to actually be in a smaller sample group of Polyamorie interested as the rest of the time I find these people here cold and closed.

 

Adaption, sadness, regret and hopefulness comes and goes in waves of a few days to weeks. Without Corona I would have been positive that I would find my thunder within 6 months, now it may take longer. Probably the force closeness will force us to communicate more and sooner about what was, what is and what will be.  The biggest revilation for me so far is how I made my wife responsible for my unhappyness for so long, and now the only one responsible for my happiness is me. It's a time of learning and growth again after being so closed down for too long.

 

Thanks for your time and help, it does help. Will check back in once in awhile to update.

warm regards

ColoradoThunder looking for his thunder.