AllieCat Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Hi Everyone, My name is Allie and I'm pretty new to all this. I'm 23. I heard the term "Asexual" for the first time about 2-3 years ago, and it's been in the back of my mind ever since. I didn't think it fit me, because I didn't really understand the whole some people look at someone and just think "I'd like to have sex with you". I thought it took everyone a while to build up those feelings (which I think is the case for me, but I'm not sure I'll ever get to the "I want to have sex with you/anyone" part). I have never been in a serious relationship. I've had flings that last between 4-8 dates, some of which we get close to having sex. But I find that I'm bored during the sexual stuff, and can't help wondering if it's almost done. That said, I do really want a relationship. Anyways, in the last 10 ish days I've been thinking I might be Ace, and I am pretty sure that I am now. I have been seeing this guy for a bit, and we did a bit of sexual stuff tonight, and it lasted for ages. At first, the kissing stuff I thought was fun, but after about 10-15 mins I was bored, and I wasn't interested in going further. Is this normal ace behaviour? Can I sometimes (but not always) like kissing and cuddling and still be ace, or is there another term that might define me better? And if I am ace, how do I tell him that I'm not really interested in the sexual stuff, or do I just put up with it? Will he think my disinterest in sex is disinterest in him? I do like this guy, and it's probably the closest I've ever been to a real relationship, but I'm not sure how to make it work. Most sex stuff just makes me feel disgusted. Like the thought of a blow job makes me want to puke. Gross. (Sorry to anyone out there who enjoys it, I'm happy you like it, it's just not for me). I've had a lot of stuff going on in my life - questions about who I am, where my career should move next, what city I want to be in, where I want to work (I'm currently an ICU nurse), whether I should go back to school, etc. I'm not sure if I'm ready to handle this new label of Ace - I'm sad I won't get those wanting to have sex feelings, but I'm also relieved that there are other people out there who feel the same way as me. I feel like everyone I know is super into sex, I don't think I know anyone else who's ace (even though I know that statistically, I must know some other people). Sorry for the crazy long post. I just wanted to share with someone, since I don't think I'm ready to tell my friends or family anything yet. Not until I've got it more figured out. - Allie Link to post Share on other sites
NotPicasso Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Hi Allie! Your post wasn't too long at all--it's great to hear your story. ☺️ So, first thing's first: you can DEFINITELY be ace and still like cuddling and kissing. That just means you're not aromantic. A lot of aces are this way (myself included... I think? I'm still figuring out things myself.) As for talking to this guy, I would recommend making a separate topic just about this issue in relationship advice. Personally, I've never found myself in that situation, but many others have, and they'll be able to help you. It's easy to get depressed when you first find out you're ace--I was too. However, many ace people have successful relationships with allo (or sexual) people, or they find other ace people! But if a label is too much for you now, then don't label yourself! Sexuality is fluid, so be careful not to box yourself into a label. Just knowing you might be somewhere on the ace spectrum might be helpful enough for you right now. I'm still new to all this as well (it's been about 2 weeks since I've identified as ace spec) but if you have any questions about the ace community, or just need an ace friend, feel free to message me! Once again, welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Hello and welcome! A lot of romantic aces like to kiss and cuddle, you certainly are not alone. And I absolutely relate with getting bored quickly with anything sexual. Not everyone here is sex repulsed, like you I simply don't connect with it and find it profoundly boring. Link to post Share on other sites
AllieCat Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 Thanks so much for the replies you guys! It's really encouraging finding such a large community here! I'm feeling a lot calmer about it this morning, but there's so much to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Welcome! Oh yeah you can definitely be ace and like kisses and cuddling. I think you might like the split attraction model (link below). https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729 Link to post Share on other sites
AllieCat Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 Thanks @Lichley ! That does help ! I feel like demiromantic may fit me too. Maybe demisexual, but that seems less likely. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Welcome to AVEN! It might be helpful to know that there are different types of attraction. Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex). But there is also Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling. Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic). Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them). Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone. And more. I don't think it is a good idea to put up with the sexual stuff, as Asexuals who have tried to put up with it have grown to hate it. At the same time, they're likely to think your disinterest in sex is a disinterest in them, as Sexuals seem to see the two as being the same. In either case, though, I think it is important to tell a romantic partner if you are Asexual. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Knitting Basket" cake (all edible), https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/290789-knitting-basket Link to post Share on other sites
AllieCat Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 @MichaelTannock thanks so much for your reply! And big thanks for the knitting cake, so thoughtful! I would defs enjoy that IRL. Also thanks for your thoughts, I guess it's just now a question of how do I tell him I might be asexual (or maybe demisexual, I haven't quite decided yet) ? Link to post Share on other sites
literallylexi Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I totally understand the kissing stuff. The one time I let a guy make out with me I didn't enjoy it and felt like it was going on forever. We were outside so I just laid there and looked at the stars. Also I hardly new the guy so I wasn't expecting it but I let it happen anyways because I just thought that's what I was supposed to do. Anyway, too much about me. Welcome! I'm new but I'm sure this place will be helpful for figuring everything out. 🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
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