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Charlie the Observer

Can't get over the disgust

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Charlie the Observer

I dunno if this is a vent or whatever, but I'm putting it here just in case.

So basically, I've been trying for the past few weeks to get over my disgust of sexual things by exposing myself to that kind of stuff. It's... mostly the sex-ed lesson I never got. It's not going too well, I feel nauseous, with it all being stuck in my mind. I can barely even eat properly from the nausea, and it's... it's pretty terrible. I don't have any trauma or history of sexual abuse that I can remember, either, (save for something I had to witness about a year ago, but the disgust has always been there) so... It just makes me feel broken. A part of me really wants to give up, but my (long-distance) boyfriend is a pretty sexual person. (Usually he tones down, or doesn't even make any crude jokes around me,) and I don't want for his sexual desires and urges to go unheard or anything, either. I've tried talking to him about this, and usually, he says not to worry, that he'll find a way to deal with it, which he "probably won't be able to," in his own words. I know he doesn't intend to be malicious or anything by saying that, he's done nothing but respect my boundaries since I met him, but... I feel like I'm stuck at some eternal stalemate here. It feels awful.

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DuskFire

Hey I haven't seen you on AVEN since July last year! I've changed my name but I was Lonely Mudkip!

Good to see you again. Just wanted to say thank you for encouraging me to draw again. I do a lot more art now because of you!

 

As for what you're struggling with I'm sorry...

I don't like those things at all either.

I guess my best suggestion would be to try and talk to a therapist about it. That is, if it hurting your quality of life. I don't know what you struggle with but if it's that bad it could be OCD. I struggle with it so I know what it's like.

 

I'll pray for you and for your thoughts to ease.

 

Also if you need to talk I'm happy to just PM me 😊

 

Thx again for encouraging me to get into art again! And I hope you feel better soon.

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AllieCat

Hi there Charlie. I can sort of relate to how you're feeling. A lot of my friends like talking about sex and who's done what and whatever and when they found out I haven't really watched anything, they showed me a video. And it honestly just made me feel gross and disgusted. I don't think you should make yourself do anything that makes you feel nauseous or bad at all. I totally understand wanting to just 'turn it on' and suddenly be interested in sex... but while I'm interested in trying it, the bits I've done have never been overly enjoyable.

 

I've also just started seeing this guy, and he's definitely interested in having a romantic & sexual relationship, and I'm down for the romance part but I just feel so uninterested in the sex part. And it goes on for ages. How did you talk to your boyfriend about being asexual? I don't know if I'll be able to make the relationship work if I'm not interested. 

 

Also - this is my first ever visit to this website, and first post here. I apologize profusely if I've offended anyone or said anything wrong, I'm just starting to realize that I'm ace (or maybe some other version of it? I don't really know yet), so I'm definitely not up to speed on what's ok to say or anything.

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CBC
29 minutes ago, Charlie the Observer said:

So basically, I've been trying for the past few weeks to get over my disgust of sexual things by exposing myself to that kind of stuff.

Based on what you've said, I'm not sure that's the way to go here. That sounds like an attempt at self-orchestrated exposure therapy. That sort of thing is a common approach (usually under the guidance of a professional) when irrational fear is the issue, but I think this is... different. Actual proper talk therapy could be valuable, although unless you have an identifiable reason for your feelings (as you mentioned, trauma, for example) and aren't actually asexual, I don't know that therapy is going to change a whole lot in terms of how you feel about sex. At any rate, exposing yourself to things that currently make you feel ill is not helping and may actually be detrimental right now. The situation as a whole, though... how to handle the relationship, what's best/healthiest for you in general... that's something I would say is really worth exploring with a therapist. Do you have that option at all?

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Veezle

I don’t want sound offensive saying this, but...

 

I see this kind of thing quite a bit. I just wonder, why do you want so bad to get rid of your disgust? Is it just because of your partner? Is it because you want to fit in with society? Or is there some component of sex that really makes you want to have it, e.g. to reproduce?


It just tends to sadden me to see some people hate their asexuality just because it is not “normal”. There is nothing wrong with it, and you are not “broken”. It’s okay to dislike something most other people may.

 

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood your issue, and I try to be respectful of others and their wishes (given they don’t want to hurt anyone and the like), even it it’s hard for me to understand them.

 

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Charlie the Observer
1 hour ago, DuskFire said:

Hey I haven't seen you on AVEN since July last year! I've changed my name but I was Lonely Mudkip!

I remember you! :D I didn't recognize you at first because of the name change, but I do remember you! Sorry I haven't been active, I think I completely forgot this site even existed for a bit... I'm glad you're doing more art! And thanks for the support ❤️

 

1 hour ago, AllieCat said:

How did you talk to your boyfriend about being asexual?

I actually don't remember, it's been a while since I told him about it. Like, years. If I'm remembering correctly, I think I just brought it up pretty casually when we were friends/QPPs, Then again, there's the factor that we're both in the LGBT+ community that might've helped? But either way, I wish you the best of luck in coming out to your bf, and I hope he respects you and your boundaries all the way! ❤️ I'm glad you can relate. And also, welcome to AVEN!! :3 Don't worry, you haven't said anything wrong or offensive at all! 😆

 

1 hour ago, CBC said:

The situation as a whole, though... how to handle the relationship, what's best/healthiest for you in general... that's something I would say is really worth exploring with a therapist. Do you have that option at all?

Thank you, your response really opened my eyes... I thought this whole time I was supposed to power through it and force myself to look at this stuff, but I think therapy sounds like a more... better(?) approach. I'm not entirely sure if I have access to a therapist, actually. Each time I've tried going to therapy, my depression gets in the way and prevents me from going- And then I feel like a waste of my parent's money. I do have a psychologist who comes to my school every Wednesday and Thursday, though.

 

30 minutes ago, Veezle said:

I just wonder, why do you want so bad to get rid of your disgust? Is it just because of your partner? Is it because you want to fit in with society? Or is there some component of sex that really makes you want to have it, e.g. to reproduce?

Firstly, I don't think you were being offensive at all, don't worry! :D Secondly, I've been wanting to get over my disgust because of both my partner and I feel like an outcast in society. I hear people talking about who did what with whoever else, and my parents have told me stuff like... "You'll find the right person one day!" or "It's just a part of life, what will you do if your future spouse wants to one day have sex or reproduce?" They're not very accepting of my asexuality. It's not that I want to get rid of my asexuality, but just... the disgust, so I can function properly or whatever. At the very least, I want to be indifferent to it- I hate having to tell people to stop talking about whatever because it's making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like an outcast. I already don't understand most social cues and such, which also makes me... oblivious as to what's socially acceptable to do, or what not to do. (Eg. I carry around a cat plushie my boyfriend mailed to me because I'm very emotionally attached to it, not having realized an 18 year old probably shouldn't be doing that...) so I've already felt like an outsider, but this just makes me feel... I dunno, even more of an outsider? Thanks for the support, nonetheless ❤️ It doesn't seem to me like you've misunderstood at all, so please don't worry 😆

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DuskFire

I was extremely disgusted my anything sexual for a long while. I've got some PTSD according to my therapist...

But even though I still don't like it I have gotten more used to it since it is everywhere. It's definitely not something I enjoy our like to see but at least over time I've gotten more "meh" to it. 

I think being in an ace relationship has really helped me because I now feel much more comfortable with not wanting or liking sex.

Maybe talking to your boyfriend in depth (although do it slow) could help you feel more comfortable?

 

Also don't worry about being "weird"

because everyone is in their own way! 

If carrying around your plushie is comfortable then keep doing it! If someone says something or looks at you just smile at them and give your plushie a big squeeze!

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Jade Cross
11 hours ago, Veezle said:

It just tends to sadden me to see some people hate their asexuality just because it is not “normal”. There is nothing wrong with it, and you are not “broken”. It’s okay to dislike something most other people may.

I feel the same but I also remember that for many of us, we are still bombarded with the idea that anyone that doesnt seek/have sexual interests is considered abnormal or a freak (even by therapists. been there, heard that), which is not something thats easy to process, especially if everyone around you is doing the opposite. 

 

Even for those of us that have learned about it, its still somewhat of an annoyance  or hassle, to say the least, that everyone else gets into this mindset and wants to make you follow suit

 

 

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Serran
13 hours ago, Charlie the Observer said:

I dunno if this is a vent or whatever, but I'm putting it here just in case.

So basically, I've been trying for the past few weeks to get over my disgust of sexual things by exposing myself to that kind of stuff. It's... mostly the sex-ed lesson I never got. It's not going too well, I feel nauseous, with it all being stuck in my mind. I can barely even eat properly from the nausea, and it's... it's pretty terrible. I don't have any trauma or history of sexual abuse that I can remember, either, (save for something I had to witness about a year ago, but the disgust has always been there) so... It just makes me feel broken. A part of me really wants to give up, but my (long-distance) boyfriend is a pretty sexual person. (Usually he tones down, or doesn't even make any crude jokes around me,) and I don't want for his sexual desires and urges to go unheard or anything, either. I've tried talking to him about this, and usually, he says not to worry, that he'll find a way to deal with it, which he "probably won't be able to," in his own words. I know he doesn't intend to be malicious or anything by saying that, he's done nothing but respect my boundaries since I met him, but... I feel like I'm stuck at some eternal stalemate here. It feels awful.

Ok so... exactly what are you doing to expose yourself to it ? Please say it's not googling porn of it. Cause that would gross quite a lot of people out. Not even just sex repulsed people. 

 

As for rest... if you want to get over sex repulsion then see a therapist. That likely won't make you OK having sex though if you arent into it. So, your boyfriend would still have to find a way to deal with it. 

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Charlie the Observer
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Ok so... exactly what are you doing to expose yourself to it ? Please say it's not googling porn of it.

Don't worry, I'm not googling porn or anything :P I'm trying to, like... Learn more about it, basically?? Ask the questions I was always too disgusted to ask. (eg. What does sexual arousal/attraction feel like? Is having intrusive sexual thoughts part of it, even if you dislike it? etc.)
Sorry for the short reply, my memory is a bit fuzzy and I just woke up. >_<

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Veezle
On 1/5/2020 at 12:59 AM, Charlie the Observer said:

Firstly, I don't think you were being offensive at all, don't worry! :D Secondly, I've been wanting to get over my disgust because of both my partner and I feel like an outcast in society. I hear people talking about who did what with whoever else, and my parents have told me stuff like... "You'll find the right person one day!" or "It's just a part of life, what will you do if your future spouse wants to one day have sex or reproduce?" They're not very accepting of my asexuality. It's not that I want to get rid of my asexuality, but just... the disgust, so I can function properly or whatever. At the very least, I want to be indifferent to it- I hate having to tell people to stop talking about whatever because it's making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like an outcast. I already don't understand most social cues and such, which also makes me... oblivious as to what's socially acceptable to do, or what not to do. (Eg. I carry around a cat plushie my boyfriend mailed to me because I'm very emotionally attached to it, not having realized an 18 year old probably shouldn't be doing that...) so I've already felt like an outsider, but this just makes me feel... I dunno, even more of an outsider? Thanks for the support, nonetheless ❤️

 

😆

I can understand what you’re feeling. I’ve been an outcast pretty much all my life and while I struggled with it when I was young I’ve learned to accept and even embrace it in my later years. The way I see things is that anyone who can’t respect me and my boundaries just isn’t someone worth spending my time around. That’s why I’m thankful for places like AVEN because the people I value most in my life are those who do understand and accept me just the way I am.

 

I know what you go through isn’t easy though, but I don’t think you should try to force yourself through something that harms you and even makes you sick just to “fit in” with everyone else. I too have massive sex repulsion, and even though sexual stuff is everywhere I just try my best to steer clear of it as I don’t feel the need to conform or change my feelings towards it. Either way though as mentioned before I believe it’s best to talk with a therapist about this than trying some kind of forced exposure yourself.

 

Lastly, I don’t know much about your partner, but one thing I often hear about ace/sexual relationships is the sexual person feeling unhappy later on because they desire sex. I think it is very important to voice your feelings towards your partner to understand and (hopefully) avoid these complications later on. 
 

Remember, don’t feel bad about being yourself! If you can be comfortable with who you are and are doing no harm, there’s nothing wrong with it all, and for those who don’t respect that, it’s their own loss. Take care. 💜

 

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Nowhere Girl

If I was very sex-repulsed (which I'm not, I'm only terrified by the idea of personally having sex and indifferent to sex not involving myself), I could, perhaps, only want to tone down my repulsion so that accidentally seen sexual content wouldn't bother me. But I am already sex-averse - just without generalised repulsion - and I actively don't want to ever become psychologically capable of having sex. I wouldn't want to be sex-indifferent because I don't want to have sex ever. I'm proud of having never had sex because it's a non-conformist choice, because it places me in the minority, because it's just a part of who I am.

Yes, I realise that it's easier for me because I'm not in a relationship. But I do have some need for companionship and yet I still say: I won't have sex, I'm not going to change myself into someone else for a potential partner. I will rather remain single or even outright lonely all my life than force myself to have sex.

Just writing it to show that not getting over one's sex repulsion/aversion is a valid option. Don't force yourself to be able to do things which are so alien to who you are.

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Artila

I tried the same. Now I can kiiinda look at nasty stuff without twitching and gagging but even when I am calm the repulse is still there.

 

You may get used to these things but it won't change your repulsedness from my experience.

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