Paca ermito Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Hello, folks. I'd like to say thank you to all those who have recognized and increased the visibility of so many identities over the past several years. I am a man in my early 50s. When I was coming of age and trying to figure out who I was there were three sexual identities available to me: straight, gay, and bisexual (though there were many people who questioned that bisexual was even a real identity). Given that those were my choices, and that I had a clear aesthetic preference for men, I have identified as gay for most of my life. In many ways that has been wonderful. I have had many terrific experiences in the queer subculture, have met many fabulous friends through that area of my life over the years, and generally appreciate gay culture (including camp). I dated a number of guys in my teens and early twenties. However, it did not take me long at all to realize that I really wasn't interested in sex. I wasn't repulsed by it, but I very seldom felt arousal. Overall, it was boring to me, and seemed like much more trouble than it was worth. By my early twenties I was telling friends that if I were religious, I would probably become a monk. I even tried telling a couple of friends that I felt like I was asexual, but this was not a word that was used in this way back then--they pointed out that it referred to a form of reproduction in some lifeforms, and refused to believe that what I said I was feeling was real. I just hadn't met "the right guy". (This despite the fact that a couple of the guys that I dated the longest I would say that I was very much in love with--I just wasn't in lust with them.) I dated only rarely and briefly in my twenties, and mostly only when friends pushed me to do so. Finally, sort of to make sure I was covering all bases, I dated a woman in my early thirties. I was very fond of her as a person, but had absolutely no interest in having sex with her. After that, I felt justified in declaring myself celibate, and have happily lived as such for the past twenty years. While I had three sexual identities to choose from in my youth, I basically only had two gender identities to choose from: "normal" (I only learned the term cisgender years later) or trans. I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted to be a woman, so cis it was. While presenting as a cisgender man unquestionably has societal benefits, on a personal level it has never felt like a good fit. (Indeed, for most of my life I was more or less terrified of cisgender men, and didn't feel like I was really one of them at all.) So again, I would like to say thank you for making it okay for me to identify myself in ways that feel more authentic to me. There's a lot of information on this site for me to take in, and maybe my identification will change as I learn more, but today I feel pretty comfortable saying that I'm asexual and mildly homoromantic. As for gender, I feel decidedly nonbinary, though I know that, at least on first meeting, most people still read me as cis. I don't know how active I will be here, but I look forward to exploring and--who knows?--maybe discovering a new community that feels like home. Link to post Share on other sites
Memento1 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Hello! Interesting story - I definitely like hearing from older asexuals who had to figure this all out without even a word for it. Nice to meet you! Link to post Share on other sites
Koning Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 I find it very interesting how you've searched for your (a)sexuality in all those years and how you got yourself in a variety of relationships to do so. The existence of asexuality is still not as well-known among our (younger) generation, but better in comparison to yours (and my parents'). Have a nice time exploring the forum ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Paca ermito Posted January 4, 2020 Author Share Posted January 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Memento1 said: Hello! Interesting story - I definitely like hearing from older asexuals who had to figure this all out without even a word for it. Nice to meet you! Greetings, Memento1! Nice to meet you, too. It makes me very happy that younger people of various sexual and gender identities have at least a somewhat easier time of it these days than my generation did. And, of course (at least in terms of the gay identity) my generation had it easier than those which came before. 😉 45 minutes ago, Koning said: I find it very interesting how you've searched for your (a)sexuality in all those years and how you got yourself in a variety of relationships to do so. The existence of asexuality is still not as well-known among our (younger) generation, but better in comparison to yours (and my parents'). Have a nice time exploring the forum ^^ Thanks, Koning! My most recent bit of exploring was in the FAQs, to figure out how to reply here. (I'm not a stranger to online forums, but I haven't encountered this particular software before). Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 Welcome! Well here’s a good place to experiment gender wise. You can figure out what pronouns you prefer by trying them out and changing them on your profile, and we have a forum specifically for discussing gender identities too Link to post Share on other sites
Paca ermito Posted January 5, 2020 Author Share Posted January 5, 2020 @Lichley Cool! I've been taking a look at the gender forum, thanks. I see that I have a lot to read and ponder there. 😋 Cheers for the cake! (I'm just going to assume that it's vegan. 😉 ) Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 18 hours ago, Paca ermito said: @Lichley Cool! I've been taking a look at the gender forum, thanks. I see that I have a lot to read and ponder there. 😋 Cheers for the cake! (I'm just going to assume that it's vegan. 😉 ) I think it is actually. The place where I got it from has it under vegan chocolate cake so,,, Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Welcome to AVEN! It is wonderful to find the words for your identity. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Floral Vegan Cake, https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/248841-floral-vegan-cake Link to post Share on other sites
Paca ermito Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 @MichaelTannock Thanks! It is actually a bit surprising to me to find how significant a label can be. One of my oldest friends, a heterosexual woman, has never really accepted that I truly did not want to have sex with anyone. She's never been mean about it, but over the years she has kept trying to interest me in dating various guys. Luckily for me, though she's about my age, she keeps abreast of current trends, including the growth in recognition of asexuality. Several months ago, in the midst of telling her something I commented, "I know you have never believed it, and maybe never will believe it, but I have always felt like I'm asexual." Not only did she not jokingly argue (her usual response over the years), but she looked like she finally really got it. That was quite a relief. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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