For those who are cupiosexual/ sex favourable ace/ or other aces who find themselves dealing with relationships with allosexuals

[DogObsessedLi]

I wanted to start a post. I'm cupiosexual (I personally find the sub-label helpful, but each to their own). I'm in a relationship with a fully straight man (heteroromantic heterosexual cisgendered). I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences that we could chat about? For example, I'm in the relationship for two reasons: I need a deep friendship and I enjoy sex physiologically. However, naturally I'm passive and clueless. He's super visual in his attractions and really into verbalising his attractions, and I find it very hard to reciprocate in this way. I try my best thinking in terms of physiological aspects and "translating it" verbally, and I try to over-egg what I find admirable in him (I mean, he's a good egg). I also "translate" certain aspects that I find scientifically intriguing (I have a strong scientific fascination) or aspects I can appreciate like I'd appreciate a piece of art. It's hard work though because it's far from natural to me and I don't think he'll truly ever understand because why would he when he has no experience of what I experience. I was wondering if there were others on here with similar situations and whether we could swap ideas for functioning in the allosexual world (irrespective of your reasons for doing so, and please please no hijacks on here who have a bee in their bonnet just because you don't understand another's situation and experience). The other big issue I have is that my partner does like to receive oral sex. You can imagine how hard that is for me. I've tried giving oral stimulation and I find that I feel I need to then wash my mouth out for days to come afterwards. If anything, I'm best with sexual stuff that doesn't have any visual aspects to it (e.g. from the back).

 

Anyway, I find navigating the allosexual world as an asexual very difficult and it would be nice to share stories and encouragement with others in a similar boat?

 

Again, no hijacks please as I am not up for debating about cupiosexual or sex-favourable identities. Any replies that are hijacks I will have to ignore as I've had far too many posts in the past derailed by such hijacks.

[Guest]

Lots of sexuals arent into giving oral. Just say no if you dont like it. It isn't something that is involved in all sexual relationships and isn't unique to any mixed orientations. 

 

As for visuals... why would you need to be visual about your attractions ? I like when you do this. I like when you do that. Honest compliments about what you like. 

 

If your partner demands you compliment his appearance or give oral... that's a thing people deal with compatibility wise in all orientation mixes. Some people are more visual, others are less. Some people prefer vocalizing during sex, others don't. You have to learn to accept each others differences when in a relationship. Compromise where you can, but pretending to be into what they are isn't a successful tactic long-term. 

 

In other words:communicate honestly and set boundaries / needs. 

 

Edit: My wife is very visual, I am not really. Neither of us is ace. But, we just find what we are both into and focus on that. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Ace with no experience in this area so consider what I say with a grain of salt.

 

Having a highly analitical mind can be a bit of a drawback to say the least, in emotional situations because analisys doesnt exactly go hand in hand with emotions as Im certain you can experience in your situation and from a bit of experience, trying to "get" others emotionally, is about as difficult as trying to explain a mathematical equation to someone who severely struggles with numbers, making translations tricky businesses.

 

Since I dont have any personal experience, I can only repeat what Ive heard which may or may not help but just leaving it as food for thought.

 

A conversation I had long ago with an aquantaince of mine did go into the sexual aspects of relationships, specifically oral sex. Without getting too personal (obviously, and I wasnt going to pry either) I was told that oral sex was one of the more difficult acts for couples, not only for the parts involved and where they would go into, but also the psycological/social ideas of power between sexes/genders. Also worth noting of course that hygyne is a must for this for the obvious reasons.

 

Stepping away from the technicalities for a moment, much like @Serransaid, relationships and sex are about voicing/creating raport if you will, to help get things going and ending on positive notes. Noone is mystical or a mind reader (benefitial as that could be).