It feels like society's obsession with attraction and relationships is taking over my life.

[Quinnelope]

Hello!

This is my first topic post but I have been reading forums on Aven for a while. I'm a freshman in college, female, and have ASD (Asperger's if they hadn't gotten rid of that). Anyway, I'm pretty sure I am asexual because I don't really understand what sexual attraction is and I spent a long time debating whether I was attracted to boys or girls, often in the span of ten minutes. I have also never found a person "sexy." 

 

I'm posting because I have been feeling very isolated and frustrated lately. As I get older, it feels like things relating to sex, relationships, and sexual attraction are starting to invade, control, and take over my life. For instance, when I want to watch movies or tv shows that are not for children, moments related to sex, attraction, and relationships occur many times throughout the movie or tv show. The same is true for books. I feel as though sexual attraction and relationships are invading my entertainment. Because of this I often end up disliking movies, tv shows, or books that I was hoping I would like. 

 

I also feel as though sexual attraction and relationships are controlling and invading my interactions with people in the real world as well. For example, my sister and two close neighbors are constantly talking about the boys they like. It is terribly isolating. Another example is how relationships and marriage determine who lives where, who sleeps where, and even sometimes things like who sits by who at family dinners. I'm afraid that as I get older it will take over even more and determine how often and how long I can hang out with people. 

 

Finally, it feels like this invasion of relationships and attraction is making it even harder for me to make friends. When people are dating they want to hang out with each other more than with me so it is even harder. And in relationships there seems to be a certain entitlement to the other persons time like because they're my spouse I should get to spend such amount of time with them. It's so frustrating because I want to be close to people too but the main close relationship is tied up with this whole sexual attraction thing.

 

These were just a few examples of how sexual attraction and relationships feel like they are invading my life. It's also true in radio music and other rules and conventions in society.

 

So, I'm posting here to ask: has anyone felt this way before or feels this way now? What can I do to cope with the alienation and frustration because of it? Are there any ways to avoid these situations? Please help.

[AceAnimeFan]

First, I would like to say welcome! 🎂 🍰

Second I would like to attempt a reply to your post. As someone who has been in the same situations most of my life I share your feeling of frustration on this matter and it only continues to get worse as I get older. Personally, I've just learned to embrace the isolation, although depending on your personality and level of need for human interaction this may not work for you. As far as media and books go, I agree and it sucks though I have found that if you stay away from romance novels/movies and stick to stuff like horror and comedy (some sci-fi and fantasy too but not all) you should be fine (or if there is a sex scene its usually short enough to skip over); leaving the room during these scenes is also a valid option. 

As far as human interaction goes, for general conversations I think it's perfectly fine to ask to change the subject after a few minutes (if the subject keeps coming up or they refuse to change the subject I've found that asking them to explain what they mean when they say they feel attraction or when they say someone is "sexy", "hot", etc. and they'll change the subject themselves); for family and friends, I have found that I often actually like their significant others as much as or more than them (once I have concluded that they are trustworthy, respectful of their partner, etc.) so maybe you will actually be able to make some new friends by meeting these people. I've also been told that it's still possible to maintain friendships with people who are in relationships but that it might take a bit more effort to do so. 

There are ways to survive in our sex-obsessed society, you just need to find them. I hope this was at least a little helpful and I'm sorry if it wasn't (I suck at giving advice). Best of luck to you!

[Dark-Sensei]

I, too, have been in your position much of my life.  I would tell my friends whom I found aesthetically pleasing, and that gave me something to contribute in those conversations.  But, when I had enough, I had to trust myself and be strong enough to either walk away or change the subject.  As an introvert with social anxiety, that was more challenging than it seems!  Especially as a college student.  But I found that my involvement in clubs and activities and of course work and studies ate up most of my time which helped in two ways.  One, when my friends got together, we actually wanted to be together but were also busy with our activities/sports/etc and if they were not in one of those other groups, what I'd been involved in gave me lots of topic starters.

 

Now I'm an ace who actually likes reading sex scenes but I don't like romance movies.  I learned to follow authors who I enjoyed, with the right mix of romance & action, which gave me more things to try, and I also spent more time cruising reviews to try new things.  I found that I actually loved book stores the more time I spent in there looking at books and skimming a few chapters in the middle to see if I liked the writing.  As for movies, I would ask my friends.  Few things bugged me more than a kick-a action movie with some random romance thrown in.  Like Tom Cruises' "Days of Thunder."  Awesome bro-mance, intense action ... and then wtf.  Anyway, over time I figured out what questions to ask my friends about the movie before going to see it.  I rarely go see a movie cold unless it's a sequel to something I've already enjoyed, like the Marvel movies or Star Wars or something like that.

 

Does it take more effort?  sure.  Once I came to accept my situation, I found a lot of the frustration just disappeared because I stopped resenting everyone and everything.   I suppose a lot of it came from hanging out and learning from my vegan friend.  She wasn't actually vegan; she had a lot of dietary restrictions, but she just told people she was vegan because that was easier.  She was so accepting of life and doing the research for places and things she could eat that I grew kind of embarrassed by all my whining.  She was someone I really looked up to and admired, so I tried to be more like her.  It seemed to work for me.

[Lichley]

Welcome! Well having a community to rant to definitely helps  

Seriously though, it can be really good for you to talk to like-minded people and just be able to vent, and to ask questions of people who have been in similar life situations  

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I also have ASD and joined the community for the same reason.
All I can say is a community helps with those feelings, and even though I still feel them, they're less now.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Dragon" cake (all edible),

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/152283-dragon

[Salt and Pepper]

Hi Quinnelope!

 

I can relate to much of what you say about society's obsession with sex:

 

I've always been put off by explicit descriptions/presentations of sex/sexuality in books/movies. To a large extent my attitude has been able to take cover behind my culture which has traditionally been conservative and not-so-open about such matters.

 

However, sometimes acquaintances and even a very close family member have mocked what they've termed my "prudery" and made me feel uncomfortable about myself, as though I was abnormal or too "old-fashioned". 

 

To add to the confusion, I've always been a die-hard romantic with Jane Austen novels being among my favorite reads. Exchanging glances, blushing, longing for the other's company, and just wanting to hold hands and talk, were what made up my idea of love and romance. Anything beyond that made me uncomfortable. (Now I've learned to just ignore or skim over such portions, because I don't want to miss a good read/movie due to a brief sexual reference/interlude.)

 

Sadly, the real world proved very different, and I've been disappointed that I couldn't find a man who felt the same way as I did.

 

Added to this was the chagrin when society always tried to read a (non-existent) sexual meaning into my close friendships, irrespective of gender.

 

But now, at 53, I understand myself better. I must be an asexual (??) hetero-romantic. Everything makes sense now!

 

I'm not alone, and neither are you, Quinnelope! 😊🌺

[Salt and Pepper]

1 minute ago, Salt and Pepper said:

Hi Quinnelope!

 

I can relate to much of what you say about society's obsession with sex:

 

I've always been put off by explicit descriptions/presentations of sex/sexuality in books/movies. To a large extent my attitude has been able to take cover behind my culture which has traditionally been conservative and not-so-open about such matters.

 

However, sometimes acquaintances and even a very close family member have mocked what they've termed my "prudery" and made me feel uncomfortable about myself, as though I was abnormal or too "old-fashioned". 

 

To add to the confusion, I've always been a die-hard romantic with Jane Austen novels being among my favorite reads. Exchanging glances, blushing, longing for the other's company, and just wanting to hold hands and talk, were what made up my idea of love and romance. Anything beyond that made me uncomfortable. (Now I've learned to just ignore or skim over such portions, because I don't want to miss a good read/movie due to a brief sexual reference/interlude.)

 

Sadly, the real world proved very different, and I've been disappointed that I couldn't find a man who felt the same way as I did.

 

Added to this was the chagrin when society always tried to read a (non-existent) sexual meaning into my close friendships, irrespective of gender.

 

But now, at 53, I understand myself better. I must be an asexual (??) hetero-romantic. Everything makes sense now!

 

I'm not alone, and neither are you, Quinnelope! 😊🌺

BTW, I have been married, and I have a son; I divorced for other reasons of incompatibility.