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I'm pretty sure I'm Asexual in a Long Term Sexual Relationship


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no-libido-:(

So - this is weird for me.  I've never joined a board and have never really considered myself anything other than a hetero with very poor to no libido, something I've never come to terms with. 

 

I've spent my whole life blaming my upbringing (mom told me if i had pre-marital sex, i'd go to hell), was sexually abused at age 9 by a friend's dad, and as  long as I've been alive have never had any inclination for sex.  As a teen, I wanted a boyfriend - I didn't want sex.  Anything sexual I did with them was to try to "keep them".  I am a hyper romantic and when I was really young loved kisses, hugs, hand holding - but as I got older, I realized these things always led to boys wanting "other things" and became more averse to them.  Even with my husband of almost 30 years, an intimate kiss indicates to me that he's "in the mood", so it's hard to just enjoy for what it is.  We can't kiss without him becoming aroused, so a kiss isn't just a kiss and I feel like I'm leading him on.

 

I met my husband at 17.  I'm almost 50.  We've had bumps but we've mostly figured it out after more than 30 years of being together.  We've always said relationships work when you can put the other person's needs before your own.  That only works if you both do it...and I think that's why we're successful in our relationship.

 

We have a kind, loving relationship and care deeply for each other.  We are monogamous and that's important to us.  He's my best friend and I can tell him everything.  But being married to a sexual being when you don't have sexual desire has always been a thing for us.  He thinks he's broken because he craves sexual intimacy and my lack of desire makes him feel like he's some kind of pervert or sexual deviant.  I keep telling him it's me, not him - that most of the world is like him - not me.  

 

I always thought it was a safety or psychological issue for me - but if I think about it - I'm not afraid of my husband and have a strong sense of self-awareness.  He's kind, gentle, understanding and truly cares about me. We have great communication and are good at talking things out.  I am well aware of the hang ups mom tried to put on me and I feel like I came to terms with the abuse years ago.  I just don't desire sex.  I'm self conscious - but even when I was in kick ass shape, it didn't really change anything except feeling a bit better about myself naked.  If I initiate, it's out of obligation - which I know distresses my husband.  Obviously, no one feels good when someone does something out of obligation.  It sucks for him big time that he doesn't feel desired and I know he really struggles with that - but I desire him romantically and I don't want anyone else.  

 

My husband's love language is physical contact so we make it work through compromise because no contact just won't work for him.  Over the years, he's helped me become far more relaxed.  And our transparency helps.  I can climax, and that can be fun and enjoyable - but it takes a lot of work on his part and would never happen with purely vaginal sex.  When it works (about 50% of the time), I can relax and enjoy it but I often get anxious, bored or frustrated during sex and honestly would be fine if it never happened again.  I compare sex to pork chops.  I never crave pork chops, but if you make me eat them, I don't actually mind them that much.  Not exactly great for the hubby's ego.

 

We schedule it for weekends.  Not sexy, or spontaneous, but i'm better with known than unknown.  The idea is i'm more apt to be relaxed on a Friday night after a glass of wine and no stress about getting up early - that we can relax - which makes the chance of climax a lot better.  I do like the climax - I just don't crave the climax.  I can appreciate our closeness without a climax - I get joy knowing he gets joby.  I know it's important to him so it's important to me - but if he told me tomorrow he didn't want it again, I'd be fine.  Despite a schedule, I can still experience a bit of stress around sex - in that it feels like that task I don't want to do, like taking out the garbage.

 

It isn't him.  I am not sexually attracted to anyone, even my biggest celebrity crushes.   I can find people attractive, but it's never sexual and watching sex scenes on TV or movies is always just weird for me.  I've never felt the way they do so the scenes just seem fake or at least totally unrelatable.  I'm still pretty sure I'm hetero - while I appreciate a woman's beauty, I love the idea of romantic love and don't see that for me with a woman.  My romantic notions have always been opposite sex.

 

I've been to psychologists.  We've been to sex therapy - with no avail.  No one has ever suggested I may be asexual.  Most assume it's due to the hang ups from early childhood and they recommend all these things that put the onus on me to be "open", to trust, to communicate so I can feel "safe" - but those aren't new for us and forcing it makes me uncomfortable - and I have come to realize I don't think this is about the past or feeling safe.  I feel well adjusted except for this whole very consistent "why don't i want sex????".  Every few years, I go down the research road to figure out what is wrong with me.  And in my most recent quest to figure out if I can "fix myself" I stumbled on this today.  I don't know that I would have ever considered myself asexual.  I'm not sure I love the sound of it - but by every definition, the label fits.  What do I do with it?  

 

I am a medicated/treated/balanced bipolar - only once before diagnosed in a manic episode, did sex have appeal to me.  That was once for a few days in May 2006.  It was crazy and it was fun and felt truly unbridled.  My husband didn't know what was going on with me.  Is that what people feel all the time?  Like holy crap that is intense and I can see why people like it.  My husband got to truly feel desired, but not in my best state of mind.

 

I don't think it's about the bipolar either.  I have a normal life in any other regard and genuinely consider myself content.  I have not been depressed for years - have never been suicidal.  I do get some anxiety around stress at work - but who doesn't?  Nothing that explains a lifetime of zero desire.

 

But I guess I'm here because it still feels like there is something wrong with me and I hate it.   I want to crave sex - mostly to make the husband happy but also to know what it's like to have that insatiable desire you hear so many folks have that deepens intimacy.  Our marriage is strong - I can't imagine what it would be like if we could get together on the sex thing.  I can't imagine sex being on my mind all day...and the excitement that must go with that.  How does he manage it knowing I'm there for the wrong reasons?   

 

How do you come to terms with it and not feel like shit about yourself and like you're having your spouse miss out on something that is perfectly natural?

 

Would love to hear from other folks who've been in long term committed relationships to see how you manage it and how you get over the guilt of not being able to fill that piece of a intimate relationship?  I guess it is what it is and we're making it work despite it not being ideal.  Others have much worse problems.

  

 

 

 

 

 

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How do you come to terms with it and not feel like shit about yourself and like you're having your spouse miss out on something that is perfectly natural?

You have to remember that the other person is a grown ass adult that's capable of making their own decisions, just like you.  He has made the decision to stick around.  You aren't making him do anything.

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Welcome! Listen you need to understand that it’s not either of your faults in this situation. He feels guilty, and you feel guilty but neither of you is to blame. You’re carrying around all this guilt about not being able to do this for him, but you’re still trying and you’re working together and communicating. The only thing I am really recommend is making it so that not every kiss means sex, so that you can have the kisses and hugs you want without the pressure of sex. 

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had advice or a similar story to tell, but in my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship.

It sounds like you could be a Heteroromantic Asexual, have you spoken with your husband about it?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

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