Realizing my new wife may be asexual

[Slyoldber]

coming to terms with my new wife’s possibly being asexual but having a hard time with it. The first few months we were together, we had sex frequently, and it was great. But we got engaged after 4 months, and since then, the sex has basically dried up. I feel so foolish for having gotten engaged and now married when I was so uncertain about the compatibility of our sex drives, but this is now the situation I am in, and I’m wondering where to go from here.

as I mentioned, after about 4 months, the sex rapidly started to dwindle. We were down to having sex just once a week, and even that was most often at my insistence, and I could tell she wasn’t feeling that into it and was largely having sex with me to make me feel better. That was an awful feeling to experience — the feeling that your partner is only having sex with you out of obligation. Such a mix of feeling foolish for still wanting sex, horrible for Indirectly pressuring someone to have sex when their heart is not fully into it, wishing you could shut down your own sex drive, hoping that you can learn to experience the rejection differently, praying that their sex drive will increase so you won’t feel this way... and so many other emotions. So I decided to stop initiating in the hopes that she would initiate with her heart more in it. But the result, as you can imagine, is that weeks would go by without having sex. I would get more and more resentful and feel lonely. I wanted to pull away and shut down rather than be vulnerable and ask about sex, but I also didn’t want to shut down with her completely. So I would force myself to ask about our sex life, or lack thereof. She would sometimes get defensive, say that I was pressuring her, or shut down completely and get quiet. She mentioned that her ex had gotten upset at their lack of sex, and that this felt similar. Her reaction would often end the conversation.  A few times, though, she was more receptive to the conversation. It felt like she understood what I was saying. She said that she had been stressed at work, dealing with various changes (job, our moving in together), and that we were “finding our rhythm.” She would stress the “finding our rhythm” part and say that she “just wanted this not to be a big deal” and that she would put more of an effort in. She has said this is not lesbian bed death (we are both women), but it feels like that. After this type of conversation, we would have sex maybe one time (where again it felt like it was out of obligation), but then more time would go by, and there would be no more sex.

i guess I hoped this would get better because we were, after all, engaged, and I love her very much and wanted to marry her. But we just had a three week honeymoon, during which we only had sex two times. The first time was initiated by me, and felt forced. The second time came after another big conversation about sex, with many tears being shed by me, and again felt like it was scheduled and out of obligation. There have been some extenuating circumstances, like both of us getting sick, that add to the lack of sex. But what disturbs me is that she does not seem to care at all that we have only had sex twice in three weeks on our honeymoon.

i don’t know what to do. I have never been in a relationship where my partner didn’t seem to want to have sex with me at all. She claims to be attracted to me and to want to have sex with me, but when push comes to shove... nothing. I feel so lonely and rejected and don’t know where to go from here. I am afraid to communicate more because she might shut down or say we are “finding our rhythm,” which at this point seems placating and hollow. It’s like she can’t see how this is a valid need of mine.

Any advice, insight, or validation would be appreciated. I feel really alone and sad.

[Lord Jade Cross]

File for divorce

[Edels]

Hi. You need to know that, yes, asexuality can most of the time mean lack of sexual attraction, but isn't synonym of "not wanting to have sex", which is very different. Someone can totally be heterosexual or of any sexual orientation different from asexual, and at the same time not feel the need to have sex often. 

Here, let's take a loo, at your personnal case. Your wife said that she was still sexually attracted by you. Even if you don't think she is telling the truth, I think the does. She still has sex with you, and even if it's not as often as you wish it would be, it doesn't make her asexual. 

You also have to understand that some people, unlike you, don't see sex as mandatory or/and don't crave for it. Because someone has sexual attraction doesn't always mean that it's something that they consider important. It can be optional. Some people are bothered about not being sexually active, like you, but some others aren't. 

 

If you want to know if your wife is asexual, ask her directly. You can also introduce her to AVEN if she is unsure about it.

[Guest]

She could be ace. Or she could just have a low libido. Pressure to perform more often could kill her sex drive. Or she could be someone who needs perfect conditions to want it. Who knows. 

 

But... it's obvious this isn't working for you. You need it more often. So. You need to discuss with her that you feel like your drives are not matched and you feel like you arent being taken seriously. Dont allow a sex session to come of it until you have a serious conversation that is more resolution than finding our rhythm, because you obviously arent. If you keep the conversation about feelings and not about "you never have sex with me" and dont allow placating sex after it isn't pressuring... but you do need to figure this out or your marriage will be very unhappy. 

[Guest]

Your story sounds incredibly familiar. I remember a conversation, probably our thousandth conversation about it, where I finally asked how much sex actually happened with exes and it was like... "well I guess we only had sex three times the entire time we were together." You'd think that would have come up during one of the first 999 conversations, but. 

 

It's unlikely to get better. That's not a guarantee, but those are the odds. To me it seems like she is talking about it, but she may genuinely not understand either. She may be telling you the truth as she sees it and feels it... It's just that the words she is saying mean two different things to you guys. This is just my opinion, but I think a lot of times what asexual partners mean is... I want to want to have sex. 

 

Talking is good. You should also be independently exploring your feelings with friends, AVEN, a therapist... but somewhere. You need to figure out what you can handle, how long you can tolerate it before you need to move on, etc. 

 

Also, since @Serran just reminded me of this... take sex off the table for now. You're caught in a cycle and you need to break the cycle. 

 

 

[Slyoldber]

Wanted to share how much I appreciate the responses so far. So helpful to have your opinions, and I am taking them all in.

[anisotrophic]

1 hour ago, Slyoldber said:

It’s like she can’t see how this is a valid need of mine.

Agree with @Serran & @Skullery Maid, this is just to add -- I think your goal should be for both partners to feel loved & respected for who they are. People are different, they have different needs... (cf the “love languages” framework) we don't need our partners to be the same as us in those respects, but I think both partners should feel their needs matter to each other.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, Skullery Maid said:

I think a lot of times what asexual partners mean is... I want to want to have sex.

Yes - this can be very confusing and helps foster hope that things can or will change. It won’t.  

The advice above is good. I’d add that time slips by quickly if you choose the path of least resistance. Move towards a resolution steadily, whatever that ends up being.

[Ortac]

What I think is not at all respectful or decent is that your wife changed her behaviour practically immediately after getting married. It kind of suggests she was living a lie whilst you were dating in order to acquire you, but once the marriage had taken place, her mindset was 'mission accomplished' - she'd got you, she had the prize, and no longer needed to make an effort. If she had been the same and not interested in sex since day 1, I would be of the opinion that you were perhaps foolish for getting married, but as it is, I think you are not the one at fault and you have a right to feel aggrieved.

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, Ortac said:

What I think is not at all respectful or decent is that your wife changed her behaviour practically immediately after getting married. It kind of suggests she was living a lie whilst you were dating in order to acquire you, but once the marriage had taken place, her mindset was 'mission accomplished' - she'd got you, she had the prize, and no longer needed to make an effort. If she had been the same and not interested in sex since day 1, I would be of the opinion that you were perhaps foolish for getting married, but as it is, I think you are not the one at fault and you have a right to feel aggrieved.

From the opening post it sounds more like... they got engaged really fast under limerence (4 months is not much time before saying let's get hitched) and limerence ended and left them with the reality of how the partner feels not under it... which is not that sexual, for whatever reason. And the issues popped up during engagement before marriage, but they both went ahead and got married anyway, hoping they would just magically fix themselves (which, marriage tends to just enhance issues not magically fix them). 

 

I wouldn't say the partner was purposefully misleading. But, limerence does tend to make things we dislike or dont much care for a lot easier and even enjoyable. I can enjoy literally anything with my partner when under it, even activities I would normally be bored to tears doing. Which is where a lot of the "we had sex a lot at the beginning ..." stories come from. Aces tend to be OK with sex for as long as limerence lasts but not after it ends. And unfortunately a lot of people dont recognize how different things are in relationships between those two phases... it's best to reign yourself in to not set unrealistic expectations when you're in the I will do anything as long as I get to be with you stage of obsession. 

[AceMissBehaving]

I can say I’m asexual and I’ll be honest it sounds a lot like my personal history pattern. That doesn’t mean she is asexual, but it could be a possibility, she could also as mentioned above have a low libido, either way it’s a tough spot for the two of you to be in. 
 

Getting to the point of being able to have an honest and productive conversation can be hard. The advice below is for getting to the point you can talk about things productively, not necessary a lifetime solution, so if it sounds one sided that’s why.

 

If this has been a pattern for her, there may be a history of deeply hurtful, even traumatic events around this specific subject for, which is a big reason some people hit against the defensive reflex.
 

The first step would be finding a way to establish and maintain a level of intimacy without any motions towards sex. This helps pull down the pressure and anxiety.

 

Once things level off talking about the things she likes and wants to get an idea of what makes her tick. Again, not focusing on sex.

 

Hopefully this will help reset the current situation to a place where you can discuss your wants and needs without her tipping straight to defense.

 

If she’s asexual there’s a good chance she might not know, and with that can come a lot of misunderstanding about how this kind of mismatch in sex can hurt the more sexual partner, so there may be some incredibly rudimentary conversations about how sex is for a lot of people more than just a thing that’s fun to do the same way say playing soccer might be.

 

As I say, she may not be ace, but it might take some dedicated work to figure out exactly what’s going on, before the two of you can start figuring out what kind of solution might work best for the two of you.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

If she’s asexual there’s a good chance she might not know, and with that can come a lot of misunderstanding about how this kind of mismatch I’m sex can hurt the more sexual partner, so there may be some incredibly rudimentary conversations about how sex is for a lot of people more than just a thing that’s fun to do the same way say playing soccer might be

I'm remembering some mind-blowing conversations nearly two years ago – after a decade and a half, and yet we really were like "it's not like this for you??" with each other.

 

I can't promise this helps – but sometimes it's this basic. Some conversations like this were a huge step forward for my relationship. We compared it to colorblindness; someone who doesn't see red/green – and also doesn't know about the concept of colorblindness – they can spend a lot of their lives filling in a lot of blanks via guesswork & copying what others say, not realizing they're not experiencing what others experience.

One or both partners are likely to feel upset with themselves for being how they are, ideally both are ready to affirm each other.