From Insult to ...Acceptance?

[Meadow.E.G.]

Hi, fellow Aces!

 

I've been wanting to make an account and say something for the longest time now, but I never had the courage. I've never used forums before, and as a person who knows nothing about computers and the internet, really, I'm quite nervous about posting to a bunch of strangers. But, hey, we all know the courage that comes to you at 3:46 am after not being able to sleep, right? So here goes:

 

I grew up just saying that "I don't like boys or girls." Nobody really understood it, but, before I was a teenager, they accepted it. As I got older, though, it became harder to get away with the simple phrase. My friends started wanting to talk about crushes, high school parties always involved some sort of sex game, and I had absolutely no interest in any of it. It just made me so uncomfortable. I still sometimes close my eyes when I see people kiss. I skip over sex scenes in movies, and whenever I hit romance in a previously enjoyable book, I throw it aside. One time, I pretended to be asleep at during a weird spin-the-bottle situation so my friend would take me back home without me upsetting anyone. It's not like I want to be this way, but I also don't like feeling like I'm going to vomit. It was always like there was just this part of me that was physically disgusted by that kind of intimacy. It's the same feeling I get when I hear people talk about medical stuff. You know, you can't control that queasy, nasty feeling you get when you see blood. It's just like that.

 

A few years ago, I first heard the term asexual thrown at me as an insult. It was backstage during the musical. I had just taken off my shirt to reveal the white fat suit beneath it. Although there was nothing shown of me at all, another cast member made a joke of me flashing them. When the joke got out of hand, I shushed them and said, "Come on, you guys know I'm not into that stuff anyway." After all, I had known most of those people for years, and I always said I wasn't interested in anyone. Still they acted surprised, and I was suddenly in the middle of a barrage of probing questions about my non-existent sex life. They pulled up pictures on their phones of whoever they thought was hot. But, I was honest and told them I didn't feel a thing. They were unhappy with the answers they received. Eventually, one girl who I had only just met in that performance called out, "Oh, so you're Asexual." I asked her what she meant. She told me that being asexual meant that I felt nothing at all.

 

Now, none of you know me, but you should know that that statement is absolutely wrong. I feel so much all the time. I am a highly sensitive person, I cry almost every day, and I was yet still known as "The Happiest Person Alive" in that school. I am a roller coaster of emotions 24/7. I just don't feel anything sexually.

 

Some students remarked at how I was an amoeba. Others questioned if I were a plant. I was confused. And, as a plant lover, life-time gardener, and now a plant scientist, I told them that plants are often very sexual. There was laughter, then we performed on stage, and everyone acted as if the conversation never occurred. Friends are still surprised when I tell them "No" whenever one of them tries to hit on me. 

 

I looked up the word asexual not long after it had all happened. I found AVEN and AVENWiki. It seemed like I almost fit in there. Like the words matched what I was. But, I was afraid of believing it. The way that one girl had said Asexual, the way my friends had reacted; it all just felt so dirty and wrong. I didn't want to be an amoeba. I didn't want to be different and weird and lonely. I remember I shut my laptop and turned away.

 

Even though the thought of me being an asexual rattled around my brain for the longest time, I never let myself look it up again until last year. I had just moved to a new school in the most racist, sexist, homophobic (and soon to be acephobic), and backwards town in the world. I am a pretty progressive as well as quirky personality overall, too, and the other students hated me. They wouldn't even introduce themselves to me or shake my hand. Except for one kid, a cis, straight, white football dude. Despite having the same backwards ideals as the other students at first, he was kind to me. He sat next to me at lunch despite getting food thrown at him, he was late as he walked me to class, and we talked about music and life. He started slightly changing his beliefs to be more inclusive as he watched his former friends grow increasingly more cruel. Things continued to get worse for him though when we would sit together on the bus and they would tell him to kiss me and call me his girlfriend. He would sit there quietly with me and eat whatever we could shove in our mouths as they harassed us. Even though I knew he didn't understand my not being interested in others, he didn't leave my side. When I'd fight back, "I don't like boys or girls" didn't cut it. I wanted to stand up for him. I needed something more official-like. That had a community backing it. So, I decided I would call myself an ace.

 

Although the label just made the other students hate us more, It somehow made me feel stronger. Despite having never met another ace in my life, I felt supported. I liked the strength it gave me, so I began looking further into AVEN to see if I really fit in. I looked at everything from the memes to the documentaries to the posts on here. It was strangely comforting to see so many people had similar feelings and stories to speak of! So now, here I am, typing because I cannot sleep.

 

I feel almost like I'm your stereotypical ace, sometimes, if one exists. I love cake, I can't stand to even talk about sex, I study plants for a living, I never cuss, and I have a pet bearded dragon. But, sometimes I feel unsure about it. I don't know where I fall on the romantic spectrum? I don't ever feel romantically interested in anyone, I don't think. I'm not quite sure what that means. I have no interest in dating someone or cuddling and kissing, but I do want a partner in life. Like a partner in crime or something. I want a really good friend that sleeps in the same house but in a different bedroom that has similar qualities to me so that we could raise a child (foster parent or adoption) together but different skills so they could like kill bugs and cook without burning things. I don't even care if they had like a sexual partner, too. But, I'd want their priorities to be on our family, not their sex-life. I want someone who I can help grow and who can help me grow. We could depend on one another, deal with each others' families, and grow old together. 

 

Is that a thing? Do other people want something like that? Is there anyone out there who just wants to have a partner in crime for life?

 

Am I aromantic then? I'd still buy them thoughtful gifts and give them lots of hugs like I would for any good friend. Just without the unnecessary drama of sex and dating. Or am a cupioromantic because I don't feel anything, but I still want a relationship? Quiroromantic because I have no idea what romantic is? Or is there not a name for me at all?

 

I'm still coming to terms with my asexuality. I tried to tell my friends and parts of my family, but they all think I'm gay and in denial or just a prude. I even had a grandmother try to tell me about what having sex is like for a woman. It would be nice to know some folks who understand me. So, hello, my fellow aces!

 

-Meadow E. G.

[Myssterry]

Welcome to AVEN, @Meadow.E.G.  I am sure there are many on AVEN who have had similar experiences to yours.  Hopefully as you explore the site and read threads that are relevant to you, you will feel at home here and learn about others' experiences of growing up as an ace. 

[Neutral Charge]

1 hour ago, Meadow.E.G. said:

I want a really good friend that sleeps in the same house but in a different bedroom that has similar qualities to me

this is the same way i feel as well, im sex repulsed, always skip the sex scenes, dont like the pictures, dont get the sex jokes, and cant read about it or imagine it as it does the same thing, makes me feel a bit nausea like its grosses me out - i learned to keep it to myself and not bother the rest by saying lets skip this part of the movie but i still feel it, the eww.

 

i always felt having a human with whom you can  be close and share different perceptions, living in the same house, doing things and having a connection thats not based on the potential of sexual relations but more on the mental understanding of each other, i think (this is my impression) that this is a dream many ace ppl have

 

i also think the hardest part about us ace ppl meeting and being together is that we are all over the place, usually fine on our own and a bit afraid in approaching others due to past experiences, so it makes it even harder to meet, us between us, let alone find someone who accept you like this from the rest of the ppl.

 there is a chance but probably small ?  

im just happy others ace's exist and i found them here, that gives me enough comfort and courage to not care about those who dont understand what i am and look weirdly in my direction. 

 

 Welcome to Aven! 🖖

 

Edit: i dont like sex but i do like romance ( boys or girls doesnt matter) so i found they call this biromantic, this is because i like showing my feelings and i do feel love/care  every now and then, in the same way you said; a gift, a surprise, doing gestures to make the other feel seen and know i care what they enjoy

 

i think theres a post in aven about different attractions and where they fall

 

i hope you find where you fit in :3!

[Rynn]

Welcome fellow ace!   

 

2 hours ago, Meadow.E.G. said:

I don't know where I fall on the romantic spectrum? I don't ever feel romantically interested in anyone, I don't think. I'm not quite sure what that means. I have no interest in dating someone or cuddling and kissing, but I do want a partner in life.

This sounds like just plain aromantic to me, but obviously only you can decide on a label.

 

2 hours ago, Meadow.E.G. said:

Like a partner in crime or something. I want a really good friend that sleeps in the same house but in a different bedroom that has similar qualities to me so that we could raise a child (foster parent or adoption) together but different skills so they could like kill bugs and cook without burning things. I don't even care if they had like a sexual partner, too. But, I'd want their priorities to be on our family, not their sex-life. I want someone who I can help grow and who can help me grow. We could depend on one another, deal with each others' families, and grow old together. 

 

Is that a thing? Do other people want something like that? Is there anyone out there who just wants to have a partner in crime for life?

Given that you seem to already know a lot of terms, I'd be surprised if you hadn't heard of this one, but what you described sounds like a queerplatonic relationship. A QPR.

So yeah, that is a thing that other people want too. I'd say you would have the most luck finding such a partner in the aromantic community.

 

2 hours ago, Meadow.E.G. said:

I needed something more official-like. That had a community backing it. So, I decided I would call myself an ace.

 

Although the label just made the other students hate us more, It somehow made me feel stronger. Despite having never met another ace in my life, I felt supported. I liked the strength it gave me, so I began looking further into AVEN to see if I really fit in. I looked at everything from the memes to the documentaries to the posts on here. It was strangely comforting to see so many people had similar feelings and stories to speak of!

I relate to this a lot. When I first figured out my asexuality, knowing that there was a community behind me helped me feel stronger too, even when I didn't know a single other asexual. But because I could only interact with this community online, and it didn't seem to really exist offline, it wasn't enough to me. That was the reason I started wearing an ace ring. That way I always had physical proof that I wasn't alone. Even though I never told anyone the meaning of that little black ring around my finger, it felt like armor when people threw shitty comments at me. And yeah I know that's super cheesy, but somehow just knowing that there was a community helped so much. So yeah, I relate.  

Nowadays I still wear the ring, but I don't need it as armor anymore. I'm just hoping other aces will recognize it (which has happened so yay)  

[Lichley]

Welcome! I think you might be interested in looking into Squishes and QPRs (Queer Platonic Relationships), it sounds like that might be what you’re looking for  

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

What you want could be a Queerplatonic Relationship: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic

You could be an Aromantic Asexual, and there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction or Romantic Attraction.

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Sunflower" cake (all edible),

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/182562-sunflower