Hi, it's nice to meet you all :)

[elensila]

Hi there

My name is Ildi, I'm a 45 year old Hungarian woman living in the UK. The first time I heard of the term "asexual" must have been a couple of years ago, in a Times article about some young people not being interested in sex. The writing was pretty hazy, like the author was unsure of the definitions and tried to glaze it over with vague word choices and such, so I did not feel like the description really fit me at the time, but the expression has stuck in the back of my mind ever since. Then a few weeks ago a Kindle book recommendation newsletter showed me "The Invisible Orientation", and I felt like I should try to learn more about this thing, so I clicked. And now here I am at 45, married to the only person I've ever wanted to share my life with, just realising that after all there is a sexual orientation that perfectly describes even me. This is hugely liberating!

I mean, it was anything but straightforward in my case. I used to try dating now and then to find a partner, but nothing seemed to work. My crushes (real life associates or celebrities or even fictional characters) has always been guys, but I've never dated any of them. With the guys I did date I've never wanted a second date. My run in with hetero sex was not a success, either, and I do not feel too comfortable physically interacting with males nowadays. I love male/male fiction, though, even used to draw explicit illustrations for some fandoms in my early 30s. My family expressed concerns that I might be a lesbian (on the basis that I stayed single and drew naked boys, because it makes a lot of sense ), but the only time I had a proposal from a woman I declined without a second thought. I knew I've never been attracted to a woman in any other way but friendship. Until I met someone else who respected me, and wanted to learn about the whole of me not just the genitals, and who is intelligent and fascinating and a wonderful human being. And who's a woman, too, but that has never seemed very important in the overall scheme of things. We fit together in so many ways, and I feel so lucky that she was brave enough to pop the question to a seemingly straight girl after just a couple of friendly meetings. We have been together for 9 years now, got married about 3 years ago. She stayed by my side even when I turned out to be kind of rubbish at giving her the kind of intimacy she wished for. We tried plenty of things, and I would give anything to be able to make her feel loved and desired this way, but I cannot give her the passion she needs, no matter how hard I try. She used to think that it's because her body does not turn me on, and so we stopped trying after a while, but I could not help feeling guilty and resentful about the failure. Something must be wrong with me, since I do get aroused by certain kinky situations, even though not when I am personally involved. But still, I have some kind of a sex drive, so why am I unable to satisfy my girlfriend? How do I explain it to her that it is not her fault in any way? Was it a mistake to enter into a same sex relationship when I still find some guys aesthetically attractive? Do I really love her as a person, or is it just friendship on my part? Am I being selfish to keep her with me and rob her the chance to find someone "whole"?

So that's where we were when the life-altering book came along. After a few chapters, all the little details started to click into place. My wife does not turn me on sexually, but no one else does, not even my occasional crushes ever did. My kink does not necessarily makes me non asexual, since what makes me excited is the act, not any person. I am not incomplete, just wired a bit weirdly. I just have not had the language to label my experiences until now. We have just discussed my discovery with my partner recently and I do feel like an invisible thorn disappeared from our marriage, and a lot of hurt feelings, confusion and doubt drained out with it. She only said, that she's happy for me, and that she's lived a lot and does not feel like she's missing anything. That she is content and feels loved in our relationship. And I keep wondering how did I get this lucky.

So, this is it. Sorry for the long introduction. I just gathered that the label I ended up choosing for myself is an unusual combination, and wanted to explain it a bit. And of course I needed to try and share my relief and joy and utter happiness over finding the place where I truly belong. It was such a long journey, and it feels great to arrive at last.

 

[Lichley]

Welcome! I’m glad to hear that it worked out for you two, and that you’re continuing on together, you two sound so sweet  

[elensila]

Thank you, I am very glad, too. Hey, you are the sweet one, we are just a pair of misfits on a wacky adventure together.

Ooh, that's such a romantic, beautiful cake! Thanks! ❤️