Need Opinions, Advice

[zenmotorcycle]

I am in a LTR with an ACE. Unfortunately, he was dishonest with me at the start, and now our lives are pretty deeply entwined. I have kids, and he is essentially involved in their lives to the point that leaving would be damaging. Plus, he is good to me in so many ways, and he loves me and we have a decent domestic partnership. However, I feel lied to, which questions his credibility in other areas. Also, I'm not sure I can sustain a monogamous long term relationship without sex, or sexual contact. When I have tried to instigate a conversation, even in as low key and non-threatening manner, he gets upset and closes down. I KNOW he is afraid of losing me, he has said as much. But he does not seem to understand that unless we come to some kind of mutual agreement, he we lose me because of the dishonesty and the non-compromise, and not just because of the sex. 

Firstly, I know the answer is to communicate. Trust me. But, let's say he can't won't.

I know an option, which he is actually comfortable with, is for me to find outside partners. However, I am... there is a term for it... someone who cannot have sex outside a relationship where there is intellectual and emotional depth. Also I don't do well unless the other partner is monogamous, which.... makes me hypocritical maybe? So, boy toys are not a realistic option for me. 

I am wondering if there has been anyone else in my shoes. Also, if anyone has ever managed a relationship where they have the ongoing partnership with an ACE, but also a second, outisde, committed lover. I need to know if this is even possible, if anyone has done this, and comments. Also, if anyone else can offer help, experience, or support, that would be great. I am hurting. 

[Guest]

To find an outside relationship you would need him to communicate... which obviously... issue #1. 

 

Why do you say he lied ? Did he know he was ace before getting with you or just discover it in the relationship  ? 

 

Pretty much no solutions will work if there is no communication. So, counseling for communication issues ?

[Guest]

Hi and welcome!! First, it's ok. How you're feeling makes sense and it's the rational, expected response to your situation. The goal simply needs to be about moving forward and finding new ways to conceptualize, behave, interact, understand. 

 

The past is the past and it cannot be altered. It can be clarified, you can make peace with it, but you can't change it. Being angry has its place to the extent that it motivates you to instigate conversations and, hopefully, change. It's not helpful as a method of manipulation, blame, guilt or shame. 

 

It's... you can spend a lifetime thinking about what it must be like to be less interested in sex than other people but still feel love, attraction, desire for commitment and shared lives. I don't think anyone is out to hurt the person they're actively falling in love with. I think the process of falling in love tends to blind people to possible incompatiblities. You start with... things are not ok right now. How are we going to make them ok now? 

 

To answer your questions, yup, there are definitely people here who have been in your situation. Basically any relationship option you can conceive of can work, depending upon the people involved. 

 

Here's what I can tell you. Getting someone to talk about a subject that they're afraid will be a dealbreaker... it's almost impossible. Your partner will need to feel accepted and safe or else he's not going to be sufficiently open. Even then he may not be. You can't force someone to communicate, but you can do your best to make them feel able to do so. And it takes a lot of talks. Over and over and over again. Patience becomes one of your most useful tools.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

It seems to me that you know your options. Maybe it's just about finding ways to make it happen.
That is, to find a way to communicate. Or, to find a way to break it off, if it can't work and sex is really important to you.
Because like Serran was saying, you'd need to talk in order to make it work. Like, you wouldn't go behind his back, you value honesty. And you'd need to talk about sex one way or another to say that it matters to you. Some asexuals are able to accomodate one way or another, so it's a question of what is he willing to do. But it's true he needs to feel love too. But you need to be able to say that something is important to you as well.

Good luck

[elizabeth17]

im asexual and my partner is not (he's allosexual meaning he does experience sexual attraction). We have an open relationship (he has casual sex with people and is friends with some of them but the relationship is not a partnership). He also doesn't need sex with me to feel love in our partnership so that works out well for us. What you're describing sounds more like polyamory.  I'd encourage you to look into that!

 

I'm not sure why you feel like your partner lied to you. If he was just figuring out his sexual identity when the relationship began that's really not an honesty issue. Sounds like the biggest problem here isn't your partner being ace and you being allo. It seems like you all just need to communicate. it's clear you know what you want and need, you just have to communicate that to your partner.

2 hours ago, zenmotorcycle said:

Also, I'm not sure I can sustain a monogamous long term relationship without sex, or sexual contact. When I have tried to instigate a conversation, even in as low key and non-threatening manner, he gets upset and closes down. I KNOW he is afraid of losing me, he has said as much. But he does not seem to understand that unless we come to some kind of mutual agreement, he we lose me because of the dishonesty and the non-compromise, and not just because of the sex. 

ok so definitely DO NOT threaten your partner. Phrasing the conversation in a way where you threaten to leave him if he does not have sex with you is incredibly abusive and could result in sex that's not consensual (consensual sex has to be freely and enthusiastically agreed upon). Phrase this convo in terms of I statements (i.e. "i need to have sex, not necessarily with you if you're not comfortable, but with a partner. I need us to talk about this so that my needs are met in a way that is safe for you. I also want to ensure your needs are being met.").

[zenmotorcycle]

2 hours ago, Serran said:

To find an outside relationship you would need him to communicate... which obviously... issue #1. 

 

Why do you say he lied ? Did he know he was ace before getting with you or just discover it in the relationship  ? 

 

 

 

He knew we was different from others, and ACE, before he even met me. Then, on the rare occasions that we did talk about sex, he made excuses that sounded reasonable, but were not true. "I want to wait until your divorce is final. I want to wait until we move. I want to wait until we are committed. Etc. In other words, consciously or not, he wanted to wait until our lives were so bound together that leaving would be a difficult option. INMO that is patent dishonesty. That took away my option of choice back when choice would have been least painful for all in volved. He is not a child, and is very comfortable with who he is, and what he wants. He came to terms with his sexuality decades ago, in his teens. 

[zenmotorcycle]

42 minutes ago, elizabeth17 said:

 

ok so definitely DO NOT threaten your partner. Phrasing the conversation in a way where you threaten to leave him if he does not have sex with you is incredibly abusive and could result in sex that's not consensual (consensual sex has to be freely and enthusiastically agreed upon). Phrase this convo in terms of I statements (i.e. "i need to have sex, not necessarily with you if you're not comfortable, but with a partner. I need us to talk about this so that my needs are met in a way that is safe for you. I also want to ensure your needs are being met.").

I would never threaten him. Ever. But the reality is, that if we cannot resolve this issue, or other issues, I will not tie myself to a relationship where compromise, or even communication is impossible. Things may not work. This could be part of the reason. If he cannot even dicuss with me, this will not work. I don't know how to say that without sounding like a threat, and I do not want to be dishonest. I AM thinking that this might not work. I can deal with many things, maybe even THIS situation, but not if he won't even discuss with me, or look at options, at all. IN what way is that fair to me? That borders on abusive.... to me.... denying that I have valid feelings and refusing to talk is gaslighting. My first marriage was all about that, and I barely got free with my sanity. (Incidentally, that marriage was 14 years ago, just finalizing recently because... reasons).

[zenmotorcycle]

2 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

Hi and welcome!! First, it's ok. How you're feeling makes sense and it's the rational, expected response to your situation. The goal simply needs to be about moving forward and finding new ways to conceptualize, behave, interact, understand. 

 

The past is the past and it cannot be altered. It can be clarified, you can make peace with it, but you can't change it. Being angry has its place to the extent that it motivates you to instigate conversations and, hopefully, change. It's not helpful as a method of manipulation, blame, guilt or shame. 

 

It's... you can spend a lifetime thinking about what it must be like to be less interested in sex than other people but still feel love, attraction, desire for commitment and shared lives. I don't think anyone is out to hurt the person they're actively falling in love with. I think the process of falling in love tends to blind people to possible incompatiblities. You start with... things are not ok right now. How are we going to make them ok now? 

 

To answer your questions, yup, there are definitely people here who have been in your situation. Basically any relationship option you can conceive of can work, depending upon the people involved. 

 

Here's what I can tell you. Getting someone to talk about a subject that they're afraid will be a dealbreaker... it's almost impossible. Your partner will need to feel accepted and safe or else he's not going to be sufficiently open. Even then he may not be. You can't force someone to communicate, but you can do your best to make them feel able to do so. And it takes a lot of talks. Over and over and over again. Patience becomes one of your most useful tools.

This makes so much sense. I am angry. And sad, very sad. Breaking up would be like severing a limb, but I've done the "stay together despite problems" thing, and it sucks more. But, you are right, trying to find a way to move forward is the key here. Thank you. 

I never thought about it as..... he was blind to possible incompatibilites. Honestly, I wasn't sure he loved me **at all** in some way other than friendship. This is hard to explain. He loves my kids. He feels at home with the family I created in a way he never has before. To me, loving my family is not the same as loving ME for ME. Wanting to be part of a family (that I created) is awesome, trust me, because many men can't do that. But, kids grow up and leave, and families change. Eventually, its just gonna be me. I think understanding that some of what I associated with "love" isn't part of how he is made, and that he can love me as a partner and as deeply as in a conventional relationship because this IS it for him. Honestly, knowing that he is ACE actually made that possible. I no longer doubt that he wants me, and not just because he is happy in my home (we are pretty effing awesome lol). 

THat last bit makes sense. HE is afraid it will be a dealbreaker. And, hell, it could be, but not in the way he thinks. The dealbreaker would be his refusal to TALK and come up with options, not the lack of sex itself. BUt, yes... patience... that makes total sense. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

On one end, since you say he knew he was ace, then it really is dishonest, and it's unfair to you.
On the other, for not wanting to talk, it may be that he's actually super insecure and doesn't want to lose you, so I wouldn't see it as intentionally being an unfair way for that point.

But the fact of the matter is that he did bring this onto himself by not wanting to deal with it from the get to. Not only that but making excuses is not a good way to grow a relationship.
Your feelings deserve something, for sure.

That said, if you do love him, then you need to find a way to talk to him without bringing too much of the upset, since that's the impatient way
But he definitely needs to talk and face this at some point, that's for sure.
I hope it goes well for you ❤️

[henshin]

One thing I noticed from the OP is that you never say you love this man, or are in love with him. It seems like the reason you want to be with him so to avoid disruption in your life and your kids lives.

 

Do you love him? Do you want to be with him?

[MrDane]

First of all, it is okay and normal to want mutually enjoyable sex in some form. If does not want to participate, then you guys should list the options and perhaps rate them. I am not sure that I could actually do that, but living without getting any sex or knowing  how my partner feels or being able to deal with the situation , since i wouldnt know, would destroy my mood in a depressionlike manner.

[Memento1]

I know it sounds like a brush-off, but couples therapy may work to open lines of communication, which as you said is the underlying issue.  Marriage and family therapists are specially trained in communication and getting people to talk about difficult subjects.  If he doesn't want to go (a common refrain), say it's for your benefit, to help you come to an understanding.  That's obviously not the case, but it works to bypass defensiveness and excuses and GET him there.

 

That of course is assuming you have the energy to attempt an improvement.  It sounds like you have a lot of anger and pain about this, and it's entirely understandable if you've run out of patience and just want validation of your pain.