RobPal Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I being seeing a counsellor for several weeks due to depression and he seems to think that my life experiences have caused me to develop into being aromantic. He accepts the asexual part of me is a fixed thing that can't be changed, but feels I could reconnect with the emotional part of me and rediscover romantic feelings that I may have had as a kid. I'll try to keep an open mind as I'm really not a fan of being aro. Has anyone else had similar discussions with a mental health professional? Link to post Share on other sites
the great acescape Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Not really - my current therapist, at least, was welcoming and accepting of my judgments. I am a little alarmed that your therapist sees aromanticism as something to be "cured" - are they familiar with aro orientations at all? I've had some past therapists attribute my lack of sexual and romantic attraction as a side effect of either depression or medication, but I don't think they were in the know about asexuality at all. It does sound like your therapist has some passing familiarity with asexuality, which is good. For what it's worth, I spent my late teens and most of my 20s in the grips of severe, prolonged depression, and was even hospitalized for it. I'd assumed that when my depression "cleared up" (so to speak), that sexual attraction would occur. It didn't. I'm on the fence about whether or not I'm aro, but at this point I'm not concerned about it - turns out I've been me all along, and that's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I mean, if you don't feel romantic attraction, then you don't feel it, and that's perfectly fine. You can't force it. But it sounds to me like your counselor thinks aromantic = emotionally frigid, which is not true, and that having romantic feelings is going to somehow cure your depression. Which... ugh... I've been diagnosed with depression twice, and that's not how it works. The times I've felt romantic attraction while I was really depressed, it's a good thing nothing came of them because I was in not good headspace and down on myself and it would've opened the door to abusive relationships. As someone who's had bad experiences with psychologists... it's most important to be honest with yourself. Don't let them put false words in your mouth or false feelings in your heart. Sometimes they project onto you what they think you should be. I got stuck with one psychologist who made me feel like I was out of my mind crazy, and I believed I was crazy until I realized it wasn't me, it was her biased perception of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I mean, I'd try to emotionally reconnect to yourself because that would be beneficial for you but your aromanticism is not necessarily the result of your experiences in life. The only way to become content with who you are is to embrace how you are now. Your therapist kind of sucks if they're telling you that you're not good enough the way you are. You could change in the future but if you're happy with yourself it won't really make any difference to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lee the asexual panda Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 I haven't seen a therapist/psychologist at all, but I'd like to address the part you said about not being a fan of being aro. I might understand you a little bit. Honestly, I'm still struggling with accepting myself as aro(spec). I personally desperately wish I could experience romantic attraction. Maybe that's just internalized something or other. I don't know. But what I know in my head that I've yet to accept in my heart is that I can't force myself to like someone romantically no matter how much I want to. It doesn't really work like that. Now, I'm not saying you have to identify as aro; your labels are yours to choose. I just want to make sure you know that there's nothing wrong with being aro if you are, and there's nothing wrong with wishing you weren't aro. But wishing you could change yourself doesn't mean you can. You feel what you feel (or don't feel), and there's not much anyone can do about it. I hope I wasn't too confusing or unintentionally offensive. If you want to talk more, feel free to message me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Oh for fucks sake, another one of these quacks. Seriously, do they just hand out medical licenses to these idiots or do they make and print it themselves? There is no "cure" for aromanticism, because aromanticism is not a disease or medical condition. There needs to be a serious overhaul of the medical community if so many of these so called "experts" are still so freely lose about. Link to post Share on other sites
communityabed Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Honestly, I envy you. I wish I were aromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Yeah... don't attempt to have romantic feelings for other people to cure your depression. I can promise you, from personal experience, that it doesn't work. I tried to heal myself by having crushes, it didn't heal me. It only made things worse, actually. 31 minutes ago, communityabed said: Honestly, I envy you. I wish I were aromantic. Honestly, me too. Link to post Share on other sites
communityabed Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 . Link to post Share on other sites
RobPal Posted January 6, 2020 Author Share Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/1/2020 at 12:14 AM, asexualpanda27 said: I haven't seen a therapist/psychologist at all, but I'd like to address the part you said about not being a fan of being aro. I might understand you a little bit. Honestly, I'm still struggling with accepting myself as aro(spec). I personally desperately wish I could experience romantic attraction. Maybe that's just internalized something or other. I don't know. But what I know in my head that I've yet to accept in my heart is that I can't force myself to like someone romantically no matter how much I want to. It doesn't really work like that. Now, I'm not saying you have to identify as aro; your labels are yours to choose. I just want to make sure you know that there's nothing wrong with being aro if you are, and there's nothing wrong with wishing you weren't aro. But wishing you could change yourself doesn't mean you can. You feel what you feel (or don't feel), and there's not much anyone can do about it. I hope I wasn't too confusing or unintentionally offensive. If you want to talk more, feel free to message me. Thanks for this answer, it's certainly the best one out of all the well intentioned ones posted. My counselor is a well trained psychotherapist who I specifically chose as I had some training and knowledge in the area myself. I had already spent a great deal of time trying to analyse myself, so it has been good to get an objective perspective. My depression is mainly due to my loneliness which is strongly linked to being ace-aro, but particularly the aro part. Other factors in my life have also caused me to not have even a handful of true friends, and they're all married with kids now, so that always highlights how alone I am. I'm desperate to find an exclusive connection with someone but at 40 years old my introversion is well built in to my life and I struggle to be around people for too long, so this doesn't help my chances. It also doesn't help that it takes a long time of face to face interaction with someone before I am confident in the sincerity considered of their friendship towards me, and that's not something that can be done online. In no way is my counselor trying to belittle my aromanticism, only help me find a way through a complex tapestry that has brought me to this point. If reconnecting with my deeply buried emotions may help me do this, and if it makes me rekindle an ability to feel romantically towards someone then I'm willing to give it a try rather than dying alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lee the asexual panda Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 @RobPal I’m glad my comment helped a little bit. Im really sorry to hear that your depression is linked to being aroace and about the difficult time you have finding true friends. I can’t offer anything more than support and the ability to reassure you that you’re not alone. It’s not much, but I don’t think it’s nothing either. I very much hope you’re able to find happiness again. Your therapist sounds like a wonderful resource and person. Good luck. I’m rooting for you! Link to post Share on other sites
RobPal Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 10 hours ago, asexualpanda27 said: @RobPal I’m glad my comment helped a little bit. Im really sorry to hear that your depression is linked to being aroace and about the difficult time you have finding true friends. I can’t offer anything more than support and the ability to reassure you that you’re not alone. It’s not much, but I don’t think it’s nothing either. I very much hope you’re able to find happiness again. Your therapist sounds like a wonderful resource and person. Good luck. I’m rooting for you! Thanks, it means a great deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Twisted Tempest Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 I first met my current therapist last year, about 6 months after my aromanticism decided to drift away. That's why I started seeing him to be honest, to get some help and support in dealing with my first experience with romantic feelings in my 22 years of life. He explicitly told me, in our first session that there was nothing wrong with me before my change, and there is nothing wrong with me now (this referring to my orientation specifically) which told me he was familiar with aro-ace people and was supportive. Since I've been seeing him, I've been able to explain my change to some of my friends, and just recently found the words to tell the person I feel for in a way that feels comfortable (though i simply wrote them as a letter, i haven't given it to her.) So what I'm saying is, therapy can really help. Though I feel your therapist may need to be more careful with his words (you don't need to be "cured" at all) they seem well intentioned on helping you in the emotional sense. So I do wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kiaroskuro Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 I'm extremely critical of psychotherapy, and I assume that many therapists still treat asexuality and aromanticism as 'conditions'. At the same I believe that the lack of romantic and/or sexual attraction can cause distress to people who identify as ace/aro. I personally suffer from being some kind of lithromantic, and I actually see it as a manifestation of deep-seated emotional problems, not as a romantic orientation. But other people may see it differently. Reconnecting with one's buried emotions is probably the most important issue to tackle when trying to overcome one's depression, imho. I think if you focus on your emotions first and foremost, everything else will slowly but surely fall into place. I hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
RobPal Posted January 11, 2020 Author Share Posted January 11, 2020 On 1/8/2020 at 3:12 PM, Twisted Tempest said: I first met my current therapist last year, about 6 months after my aromanticism decided to drift away. That's why I started seeing him to be honest, to get some help and support in dealing with my first experience with romantic feelings in my 22 years of life. He explicitly told me, in our first session that there was nothing wrong with me before my change, and there is nothing wrong with me now (this referring to my orientation specifically) which told me he was familiar with aro-ace people and was supportive. Since I've been seeing him, I've been able to explain my change to some of my friends, and just recently found the words to tell the person I feel for in a way that feels comfortable (though i simply wrote them as a letter, i haven't given it to her.) So what I'm saying is, therapy can really help. Though I feel your therapist may need to be more careful with his words (you don't need to be "cured" at all) they seem well intentioned on helping you in the emotional sense. So I do wish you luck! Thanks for your supportive words. The word "cure" was mine, not my counselor's, just to clear up any misunderstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
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