Jump to content
dontwannascreenname

LONG POST posted this over in relationships but think it may be better here..... tw ; mentions of self harm

Recommended Posts

dontwannascreenname

As mentioned in the title, I already posted this over in the relationship board, but think it might be better suited for here, actually... and if needed I can answer better regarding certain issues here....

 

Disclaimer, I'm a long time member of Aven, but I created this throw away account for some anonymity. I know others who have aven accounts etc, and having a new screen name just makes me feel a little better about posting. 

 

I've not posted anything to do with this, so please be somewhat gentle with me. I've no where else in my life that I would feel comfortable enough to post/talk about this...

 

So, here goes.....

 

I don't know how much information is relevant.... or irrelevant tbh. So, please bear with me. 

Firstly, I think it's probably important to mention I've always had negative feelings regarding my sexuality, or I suppose lack thereof, if you are talking about my asexuality. I struggled a bit, mental health wise with it all. I won't go into too much detail, because I don't want to be too triggering for others, but I'll give you the bones of it. 

I had an idea I wasn't "straight" as a teenager, just for the simple reason, I wasn't interested in having sex with boys. So, I thought I must be gay. Simple. End of. Except I wasn't interested in having sex, or relationships with girls either. So that was the first issue I came across, I didn't like boys, I didn't like girls, so there must be something wrong with me. That opened a door of a lot of negative feelings about myself, and my sexuality. I was a dumb teenager, I took risks I didn't need to take. I drank. I fooled around with guys to try and 'kick start' something. Nothing. That's when my mental health started to take a beating I think. Late teen years, I started selfharming. Still wasn't interested in boys, or girls. 

 

Few years later (after I realised I wasn't interested in the idea of sex, so late teen years) I came across the word, asexual. Came across Aven. Was happy for a split second that I'd found a whole community of people, similar to me. Only lasted a split second. I still didn't feel like I fully belonged to the ace tag, tbh. So I withdrew and got stuck further in my head. I had a few good friends, none of which I felt able to open up to, honestly. My best friend, was a beautiful soul. And I loved him, so much. I really, really did. He was gorgeous too. Tall, dark hair, dark eyes, gorgeous smile. I had a lot of feelings around him, and for him. I had the closest thing to a 'real' crush on him. He gave me butterflies when we spoke, when I knew I was going to meet him etc. When he smiled. Laughed. We hugged. Anything pretty much made me giddy on the poor guy. But I still wasn't interested in having sex with him (It was never something that came up, or something that would be on the table at anypoint tbh, but I still felt that I should have had had that want inside of me/that sexual attraction at least). Years passed, we kinda fell out of touch and I moved quite far. 

 

I decide that I just need to get on with life. I keep drinking lots. I studied, passed my qualifications. Got a job. Threw myself into my job (working close to 60 hours some weeks). Sort of made some level of peace with myself that I wasn't going to have a family, or meet someone. It wasn't great, but I was surviving and not really able to dwell on it for too long, because I kept myself busy. Eventually my parents had enough of me and my working then drinking cycle (to their credit I don't think they knew just how much I was drinking), so they nagged and nagged until I agreed to go out with 'friends'. I'd recently come across Aven again in my drunken glory.... and found a meet in my city. I figured if nothing else, it'd get my parents off my back and I'd get some lunch, maybe we'd go to a pub and I'd get a pint. Very long story short, I ended up meeting someone at that meet. I had a very quick and intense crush on him. We chatted, became friends, and dated. Got married. Have a kid. 

 

So, everything should be lovely, and all good now, right? Well.... Not really. I've been good mental health wise for a while, regarding my sexuality... it's just seemed less like an issue for me for the past few years (maybe 5-6 years). A while ago, I'd started noticing my husband. In a sexual light. Which, honestly should be great. That should be the end of my issues about my lack of sexuality etc. But, it's not. There's a lot of anxiety, guilt, and generally feeling gross surrounding it. I've never been repulsed by the idea of sex, or of people having sex. It's natural, and honestly I don't care who does, or doesn't have sex (within reason obviously). But I know I'm starting to spiral a bit again. I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly. I should be happy. But I feel worse than ever. I'm not sure if it's a case I feel like a fraud, all these years with nothing, and suddenly I'm into men the way I should be (in my head)? It's not men, it's just my husband. I've tested the theory watching sex scenes in movies (and without being too graphic, a quick internet search). Nothing for anyone else, naked, semi naked, or dressed. Husband, on the other hand. Yes. I'm not sure what to do with myself, and the new information tbh. I've struggled to type this, because I know I sound like an idiot. I know how unreasonable, and strange I must seem. But I can't shake this. I feel awful about it. 

 

I have spoken to my husband somewhat about it, because I was very upset by, and have been for a wee while. He said he's fine with it, but I'm not sure if he is, or if I'm looking too into things. (He's very commonly naked around the house or in boxers, since we spoke not so much. He would normally leave doors open while he's in the bathroom/shower, not so much now). I understand he might feel a bit more... not on edge, but be aware now that I look at him slightly differently and be wanting a bit more privacy. I'm not at all against that, I just wish I didn't have this ... whatever it is going on inside my mind right now. 

 

I've heard of, and read up a little about the terms gray-asexuality, and demi-sexuals etc. But I wouldn't think after such a large amount of time things should change, or suddenly appear? If anyone has any input at all, I'd be incredibly grateful, and delighted to read it, honestly. I'm sorry this was so long, and if anyone makes it through all of that, and manages to reach out to me... all the better, and thank you very much. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

I like to describe sexuality as "enduring" rather than permanent because I think it is possible it shifts -- but not something we can control, and maybe shifts due to background changes in our bodies, our identities, our relationships.

 

For example, transition is a common cause for shifts. As I'm transitioning, I begin to wonder if I can/would be attracted to women. I've now experienced a couple fleeting thoughts about women, which I never had before. The reason some transfolk shift is unclear; it could be hormonal shifts, it could be the shift in internalized identity (on my end, maybe the thought of sex with a woman made me feel dysphoric because I didn't think I could be... comfortably female, and someone else being female reminded me of that? now that's being abated... otoh maybe it's the hormones!).

 

Which is to say,

 

On 12/31/2019 at 7:44 AM, dontwannascreenname said:

I'm not sure if it's a case I feel like a fraud, all these years with nothing, and suddenly I'm into men the way I should be (in my head)?

 

On 12/31/2019 at 7:44 AM, dontwannascreenname said:

I just wish I didn't have this ... whatever it is going on inside my mind right now. 

Please be kind to yourself and don't feel like you need to be who you were, nor that it invalidates who you were.

 

I don't think I was secretly bi/pan before, and I don't think I wasn't female before (I'd feel weird doing that, having given birth to kids; I just couldn't continue being fully female). I think I'm changing, but it doesn't mean I wasn't who I was before.

 

 Although you aren't transitioning, people shift and change in all sorts of ways over the years. We don't remain who we were. A lot of those changes aren't "choices", but an unplanned product of our experiences, aging & body changes, and situation.

 

I feel accepting & curious about where my sexuality & gender identity go -- I think it's something that isn't forced, it just happens & I want to follow where it goes -- and I hope you can feel that way too.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gisiebob

sounds like you are having a good  time being hard on yourself for not much reason, friend. like you have been for a while.

 

 

what would be a good way to air out your insecurities? practicing selfkindness at a mirror? a weekly game of chess and conversation with that dude that cares about you? maybe it would put you at ease to take a visit to a counselor.

 

that person that you are piloting is a good person. be kind to them, ok?

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thyristor
On 12/31/2019 at 4:44 PM, dontwannascreenname said:

I have spoken to my husband somewhat about it, because I was very upset by, and have been for a wee while. He said he's fine with it, but I'm not sure if he is, or if I'm looking too into things. (He's very commonly naked around the house or in boxers, since we spoke not so much. He would normally leave doors open while he's in the bathroom/shower, not so much now).

This thread is over a week old, just happened to see it right now... how are things going? When you say: "commonly ... but not so much now", what dimensions of time and percentage are we talking about? I am obviously thinking of the phenomenon of overinterpreting small unimportant random events.

 

On 12/31/2019 at 4:44 PM, dontwannascreenname said:

But I know I'm starting to spiral a bit again.

Have you been able to control your drinking habits and is it going out of hand again now? Are you actually saying that you are afraid that you are going to want sexual activity with your husband more than he wants it with you? You mentioned having a kid, so I assume some activity has taken place at least in the past. What are you most afraid of: putting pressure on your partner to adhere to your new found possible sexual needs, or hating yourself?

 

I don't know if these are helpful questions to ask yourself.... I hope they can give you some calming insight about the situation. And obviously I have no clue about your partner's feelings in this, only you and he can together answer the question of the impact your shift in sexuality will have on him as a person and on your relationship.

 

I hope you'll find the peace to examine your situation without panic anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Silence4now

You must know, if you reread your post, everything you've said here is relevant or you would not have felt the need to share it. I would like to offer a different perspective, if you do not mind. You have lived most of your life making adjustments as needed. So far as I can tell from what you've said you have also been quite honest with yourself and people special to you about how you feel. As we live, we learn, and ultimately change. Lately, some of the responses I see people offering is either clarity on the meaning of certain labels or labels that others may not have heard before which may sound like they fit. Being how you are a long time member of Aven, I assume you are not looking for that. I support the idea that change is constant. What holds influence over us can come like a gentle rain or can thrust us straight into the eye of a hurricane. You seem to be handling that with gentle grace already. Perhaps amazing is a better fitting label. Silence4now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...