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greyhoundstation

Trying to understand myself (sorry for the long post)

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greyhoundstation

Hey there!

 

First of all, sorry for the long post and, second, english isn't my mother tongue so, sorry for any mistakes that you may find.

 

Due to certain things that happened to me mentally in my life lately, I'm now inserted into a long and very deep process of introspection in which I'm trying to understand myself in almost all aspects in order to guide and intensify my personal growth. Sexuality is a huge debt I have with myself, so I want opinions or tips about my case just to help me in this process of understanding.

 

I don't think I'm asexual, or at least stricto sensu, maybe I would be within the gray area. Maybe it's pure celibacy. I don't know.

This is my situation: I always considered myself as a straight male (early 20s), although I never had a girlfriend, partner or whatever. I never had sex. I rely strongly on romanticism but I always make a distinction about it and sex, as a two separated worlds. I'm always looking for a strong emotional connection with someone. Therefore, I always thought that sex in my case would be subordinate to the emotional, as a result of that strong emotional bond (I can't and I don't want to have casual sex at all). But lately I'm increasingly doubting it. All the crushes I had in the last years (since 5 or 6 years ago at least) I completely separated them from the idea of sex, I can't think about them in that way, as if there was a strong contrast between both. It's like I'm attracted to their beauty and aesthetics but I can't think about it sexually. I had other crushes before the period I mentioned but there was one or two cases that I fantasized about it in a partially sexual way (not penetration but yes other stuff), but it happened more than anything in a period of hormonal explosion, so I don't know if it counts. Today it doesn't happen. In any case I can fantasize but it would be with an image created by my mind, not someone real. But it's increasingly rare for that to happen.

And always, when I imagined myself into a relationship (I'm an INFP just in case) I thought sex was actually there more to fulfill and satisfy my couple than a desire of my own. That's why if I find myself in that situation, I would seek to stimulate her more than myself. Although I would seek contact (cuddling, etc), I can live perfectly without sex.

 

On the other hand, my relationship with masturbation is ambivalent. I don't do it very often and, in general, I do it when I'm under a lot of stress, like a kind of outlet more than pleasure itself. I also do it to release sexual tension (honestly I don't need to release that tension with someone, I prefer to do it alone). Anyway it's not something that happens to me very often. I watched porn but usually in two ways: curiosity and as a complement for masturbation (let's say to rush so I can get rid of both), not for pleasure itself. Anyway, it isn't something I like too much. In fact I can't see it as an end in itself for pure entertainment or whatever people usually think about it. It doesn't have any value for me. Also sometimes I have wet dreams. Sometimes they're accompanied by dreams where I'm having sex but it's something quick and I usually wake up when I reach the point of no return (which makes it doubly uncomfortable and hateful). Anyway, I find striking that few days ago I had a dream where I was in front of a naked woman and, for the first time, I felt that I could control myself inside the dream without any problem. I mean, the woman was there around other men and I was there doing nothing, like I had the possibility of having sex but I didn't want to and I didn't do it and I felt very happy for it, both in the dream and when I woke up remembering it. I don't know if it's any psychological manifestation of the process I'm going through now or what, but it was very much like a revelation.

 

When I was kid (10 years and less) I saw sexually naked women (neglect of my father) but they generated absolutely nothing on me. Since childhood, whenever I saw a pretty woman on the street, I look more at what men were doing around her than at the woman herself (from a "moral" point of view, where I often associate that attitude with harassment). When my classmates on high school were in full puberty and into porn, I stood aside. I always hated stupid sexualized jokes and things like that. Today I can say that sex (mostly penetration) generates a certain aversion to me. I knooow I knoow, I never had sex, but from the outside I get the feeling that it's a bit gross and the feeling of being more a burden than something enjoyable. In fact sometimes it makes me want to "cut" my penis to just eradicate any type of sexual desire (although this can also be linked to something more symbolic of the adversity that I have to the male gender in cultural terms, what values it represents and that) since it's more a nuisance that something pleasant and enjoyable, I feel that it distracts me from what I really want to cultivate for myself... And clearly I have no desire to have children.

 

When I see a pretty woman, I think "look at how beautiful she is" or "look, what a beautiful style". It's like a kind of attraction/admiration by how they look, but I would never think about sex.
Definitely sex in me is something very marginal and I have no problem with it (maybe sexual apathy?), in fact better so I can focus on other things. Also I don't want it to be relevant. The less, the better.

 

Well, that's it. Sorry for the long post and, if you got here, I really appreciate it. I know there are contradictions and those things in what I said, but who doesn't have them... Also I know the text is a bit messy and not linear, but I can't think another way to express myself now.

Thank you!

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EdInLondon

Hi.  First of all, I think that your English is very good.  Well done!

 

There's a lot going on here.  Here are the themes that I see.

 

  • Desensitivised to nudity.  You said that you saw naked women when you were young.  This might have desensitivised you so that nudity by itself is nothing arousing.  You might have heard of nude beaches, nude sports and various other forms of recreational nudity.  The people involved in these events are not constantly aroused.  They get used to it and it becomes normal.  (I heard once of a nude beach where, if a man got an erection, he had to go away until it went down.)
  • Aversion to sex.  Even if you are nonchalant about nudity, you can still be averse to [forms of] sex.  A lot of people on here are.  Indeed, there are even many allosexual people who feel disgusted about certain forms: I have a friend whose favourite subject of conversation is sex and he feels disgusted by the idea of anal.  My suggestion here is that sexuality doesn't change easily.  If you're disgusted by certain things now, you'll probably be disgusted forever. 
  • Fantasies.  Similarly, if something turns you on now, it will probably turn you on forever.  One great thing about the internet is that you can find out that other people have the same fantasies as you - including on AVEN.  There are several threads on this forum by people who dislike sex but have fetishes and fantasies.  If you look around, you'll probably find that many other people have the same fantasies as you.  I know that googling certain terms can sometimes lead to unpleasant or even dangerous websites.  If I want to learn about fetishes on the safe side, I usually stick to Wikipedia (which is rather comprehensive on the subject) and to Google Scholar.
  • I noticed that you only mentioned women in your post above.  Are you only [aesthetically] attracted to women?  Are your fantasies only about women?  For me, the answer to both questions is "yes".  I have said on some other threads that this has made me doubt that I'm asexual (although I'm currently sure that I'm in the grey-asexual zone).
  • Finally, wet dreams are a biological process and virtually everyone with a penis has them.  What you're actually dreaming about at the time might be what arouses you.  You are getting towards the age where they decrease though.  I am nearly 35 and I've not had one in many years now.

 

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Well, hi and welcome around :)
I didn't read everything yet, but I'm sure you'll be able to relate to asexuality on some levels anyway, just from some things I saw.

Hope you come to understand yourself more, and accept however you are ;)

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greyhoundstation

 

 22 hours ago, EdInLondon said:

Hi.  First of all, I think that your English is very good.  Well done!

 

There's a lot going on here.  Here are the themes that I see.

 

  • Desensitivised to nudity.  You said that you saw naked women when you were young.  This might have desensitivised you so that nudity by itself is nothing arousing.  You might have heard of nude beaches, nude sports and various other forms of recreational nudity.  The people involved in these events are not constantly aroused.  They get used to it and it becomes normal.  (I heard once of a nude beach where, if a man got an erection, he had to go away until it went down.)
  • Aversion to sex.  Even if you are nonchalant about nudity, you can still be averse to [forms of] sex.  A lot of people on here are.  Indeed, there are even many allosexual people who feel disgusted about certain forms: I have a friend whose favourite subject of conversation is sex and he feels disgusted by the idea of anal.  My suggestion here is that sexuality doesn't change easily.  If you're disgusted by certain things now, you'll probably be disgusted forever. 
  • Fantasies.  Similarly, if something turns you on now, it will probably turn you on forever.  One great thing about the internet is that you can find out that other people have the same fantasies as you - including on AVEN.  There are several threads on this forum by people who dislike sex but have fetishes and fantasies.  If you look around, you'll probably find that many other people have the same fantasies as you.  I know that googling certain terms can sometimes lead to unpleasant or even dangerous websites.  If I want to learn about fetishes on the safe side, I usually stick to Wikipedia (which is rather comprehensive on the subject) and to Google Scholar.
  • I noticed that you only mentioned women in your post above.  Are you only [aesthetically] attracted to women?  Are your fantasies only about women?  For me, the answer to both questions is "yes".  I have said on some other threads that this has made me doubt that I'm asexual (although I'm currently sure that I'm in the grey-asexual zone).
  • Finally, wet dreams are a biological process and virtually everyone with a penis has them.  What you're actually dreaming about at the time might be what arouses you.  You are getting towards the age where they decrease though.  I am nearly 35 and I've not had one in many years now.

 

 

Thank you very much! And I appreciate your remarks!

  • At that time it generated absolutely nothing to me (maybe because I was too young). Today it depends on the context (probably living in a sexualized world pulled me away a bit from the desensitive path, although I really rely on the latter). However, if it happens, it doesn't mean at all that I want to have sex with that person. I see it as a physiological reaction instead of a truly desire of my own. Nevertheless, I have to say that, somehow, the nudity (in person) of anyone (even mine) bothers me a little today.
  • I totally agree on this point.
  • Yep, got it. It's interesting, I have very few but I'll definitely investigate more about this.
  • Mmm, about fantasies yep, only with women. Aesthetically, with one exception, yep, only women too.
  • I really hope they go away (although sometimes I don't have them for weeks) because I really hate them with all my heart lol.

Again, thank you very much! You gave me points to think about. Thinking all these things from the perspective of asexuality (although I'm probably in the gray area) feels reeeeally liberating. Happy New Year!

 

22 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Well, hi and welcome around :)
I didn't read everything yet, but I'm sure you'll be able to relate to asexuality on some levels anyway, just from some things I saw.

Hope you come to understand yourself more, and accept however you are ;)

Thank you!

 

Yep, I really feel identified in several aspects. I feel now I have good material to think about my sexuality and honestly it really makes me feel so much better.

 

Thank you very much! Happy New Year!

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