Questioning My Gender - Help!

[Solcte]

Hi everyone! 

 

I have recently been exploring definitions for gender identities on the non-binary spectrum and I've found that these may apply to me. Specifically, androgyne/androgynous is speaking to me, but I need help making sense of all my thoughts on the matter. 

 

My entire life I have considered myself a "tomboy" of sorts and never considered any alternatives because this was all I knew. For example:

• I dislike most "gender norms", I don't wear makeup and I am only feminine in bits and scraps
• Thinking about it, I am most comfortable when I am wearing less feminine clothes and I like the idea of an aesthetic "in-between", while sometimes boyish
• Mentally/psychologically, I don't think I've ever thought of myself as entirely female. 

 

I've also been reading that demigirl, biginder, and genderqueer are all very closely related. So now my confusion comes in... picking apart the differences is becoming so hard and now I feel lost! Am I just a simple cis-gender tomboy, or is there something more to this? 

 

Androgyne - simultaneously feminine/masculine - I could see myself fitting here and being a weird mix of the 2, but...

Demigirl - At least partly feminine - This makes sense.. but what about the "other" part? How do I tell the difference between feeling only partially masculine or partially "other"?

 

To be clear, I am comfortable with my physical body and am going through no form of dysphoria. But I would love to tackle this mental mess of confusion and questions!

Thank you for reading and I welcome any advice, input, or thoughts to help me understand. :)

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hey there.

Usually androgynes  like to be and look in-between (not that there can't be leanings to one side or another), so if you don't like femininity at all or to be in-between, I'm not sure it's a fit. It's not to say it can't be, depending on how you feel about it (and how you feel about yourself). Bigender is similar but it includes both genders more fully.
Demigirl is an open label, so the rest is there for you to fill. You can be other genders as part of it, you get to put the rest of you there.

Tomboy is a gender expression, not necessarily having to do with being male, so unless you would like to look like and have the body of a guy, you may not have a male identity. How do you feel about your male or masculine side?

Being genderqueer is open enough if you don't feel like any particular gender, or if you like to think of having multiple ones but not clearly defined. It's not a bad one. It's pretty similar to being non-binary. There's also agender which is to say not having a gender. In the end it's your life and feelings, so it'll have to make sense to you, though maybe it can take a little exploration too.

I'll end my message here and see what else you say
 

[elizabeth17]

im also in the process of questioning my gender identity so idk if I'll be much help. Best advice I've been given is to just try stuff out! Would using different pronouns make you happy? Maybe you could ask close friends to try out different pronouns. Another thing to keep in mind is just because you don't like things traditionally perceived as feminine (makeup, dresses, etc.) doesn't mean you can't identify as a woman. From conversations I've had with a trans friend at least for him and other trans folx he's spoken to there's something very internal about his gender identity. He doesn't feel like he was born into the wrong body or anything and doesn't perform stereotypical masculinity either but he knows internally he is a guy. So if you know internally you're gender identity doesn't match your sex assigned at birth you're probably not cis. Although not being cis doesn't necessarily make you trans. Idk if this was helpful or not lol 

[PoeciMeta]

Hello~

You're right, there's a difference between your expression, interests, bodily feelings, etc..., and your gender. 

It's been said above, the best thing to do is explore. Learn about gender and try stuff on. Does a particular set of pronouns make you happy? Is being female satisfactory, if I may say it like this? 

If you'd be happy as a non-conforming female, then you should feel free to just be that. If you feel like it's something more, you can be trans too. Only you can decide. 

 

15 hours ago, elizabeth17 said:

Although not being cis doesn't necessarily make you trans.

Yeah. The broadest definition of trans is simply ''not (100%) cis'', but other definitions exclude some not-cis subtypes. 

Notably: "having a gender different from one's AGAB'' excludes agender people and can also exclude people with several genders, one of which happens to be their AGAB. 

It's still a bit fuzzy. In the end you decide what you are. If you're not cis but don't want to transition, for example, you may not consider yourself trans. 

[Solcte]

Thanks for the input, everyone! 

 

On 12/29/2019 at 5:22 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

...
Usually androgynes  like to be and look in-between (not that there can't be leanings to one side or another), so if you don't like femininity at all or to be in-between, I'm not sure it's a fit. It's not to say it can't be, depending on how you feel about it (and how you feel about yourself). Bigender is similar but it includes both genders more fully.
Demigirl is an open label, so the rest is there for you to fill. You can be other genders as part of it, you get to put the rest of you there.

Tomboy is a gender expression, not necessarily having to do with being male, so unless you would like to look like and have the body of a guy, you may not have a male identity. How do you feel about your male or masculine side? 

...
 

I may not have worded things well enough in my first post, but I am not completely removed from my feminine side; I just feel like it does not wholly define me. I would actually say that I feel somewhat "in-between" or a mix of male/female..

 

In regards to my male/masculine side, I'm not really sure how best to describe it? How do you define the feeling of "male/masculine"? If in terms of typical roles of female/male, I have masculine traits of being competitive, assertive, etc. I like having short hair, wearing hats, and I'm attracted to the idea of presenting myself "in-between". 

 

On 12/29/2019 at 5:29 PM, elizabeth17 said:

im also in the process of questioning my gender identity so idk if I'll be much help. Best advice I've been given is to just try stuff out! Would using different pronouns make you happy? Maybe you could ask close friends to try out different pronouns. Another thing to keep in mind is just because you don't like things traditionally perceived as feminine (makeup, dresses, etc.) doesn't mean you can't identify as a woman. ...

23 hours ago, yyy said:

It seems that society around you has inculcated you with an idea that you have to "Belong." ...

Experimenting with pronouns may be interesting, though at this point I may simply consider going with a she/they? Though I'm not too concerned. 

 

I do agree, it's okay to be a non-traditional female and this is definitely something I'm trying to keep in mind! Internally, I feel like there might be a better way to define "me", somehow, but we'll see where this goes.

 

10 hours ago, PoeciMeta said:

Hello~

You're right, there's a difference between your expression, interests, bodily feelings, etc..., and your gender. 

It's been said above, the best thing to do is explore. Learn about gender and try stuff on. Does a particular set of pronouns make you happy? Is being female satisfactory, if I may say it like this? 

If you'd be happy as a non-conforming female, then you should feel free to just be that. If you feel like it's something more, you can be trans too. Only you can decide. ...

 

Yeah, I recently had a quick chat with a friend of mine who is non-binary and she echoed the advice that it's okay to just try things out and see what feels right. Apparently she has identified as NB for a while now, but is still confused about her exact identity.

 

Being a regular, tomboy female is okay - but it feels like an imperfect definition for "me". However, it may just be that I don't need a label for what I am and I just need to experiment until something fits/makes sense. 

 

There is a sense of relief/freedom with the thought of considering myself NB and/or androgyne; it feels like my sense of self is recognized/acknowledged and I have the permission to express that.

 

Sorry if this all sounds a little wishy-washy! I'm trying to find words for my feelings and it's a little messy. I really appreciate all the discussion! :)

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

6 minutes ago, Solcte said:

Thanks for the input, everyone! 

 

I may not have worded things well enough in my first post, but I am not completely removed from my feminine side; I just feel like it does not wholly define me. I would actually say that I feel somewhat "in-between" or a mix of male/female..

 

In regards to my male/masculine side, I'm not really sure how best to describe it? How do you define the feeling of "male/masculine"? If in terms of typical roles of female/male, I have masculine traits of being competitive, assertive, etc. I like having short hair, wearing hats, and I'm attracted to the idea of presenting myself "in-between". 

 

Experimenting with pronouns may be interesting, though at this point I may simply consider going with a she/they? Though I'm not too concerned. 

 

I do agree, it's okay to be a non-traditional female and this is definitely something I'm trying to keep in mind! Internally, I feel like there might be a better way to define "me", somehow, but we'll see where this goes.

 

 

Yeah, I recently had a quick chat with a friend of mine who is non-binary and she echoed the advice that it's okay to just try things out and see what feels right. Apparently she has identified as NB for a while now, but is still confused about her exact identity.

 

Being a regular, tomboy female is okay - but it feels like an imperfect definition for "me". However, it may just be that I don't need a label for what I am and I just need to experiment until something fits/makes sense. 

 

There is a sense of relief/freedom with the thought of considering myself NB and/or androgyne; it feels like my sense of self is recognized/acknowledged and I have the permission to express that.

 

Sorry if this all sounds a little wishy-washy! I'm trying to find words for my feelings and it's a little messy. I really appreciate all the discussion!

 

Sounds like you're pretty honed in then. It's been a while since I've seen someone identify as androgyne. It might just work out for you
The good thing about starting out as NB is that it's a pretty broad label so you might be comfortable in using it more concretely, and then explore how you feel about the more precise identities.

[Solcte]

48 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Sounds like you're pretty honed in then. It's been a while since I've seen someone identify as androgyne. It might just work out for you
The good thing about starting out as NB is that it's a pretty broad label so you might be comfortable in using it more concretely, and then explore how you feel about the more precise identities.

Haha, yeah, I think I'll just have to try it for a bit and see how it feels. I only recently just found androgyne listed as a gender identity and my first gut reaction was, "Oh, that's me! There's a word for that?" 

 

Anyways, I think NB is a good starting point while I sort out all the definitions/feelings. It would probably help if I get around to writing everything out. 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Best of luck on the trek

I think I have a little bit of NB in me too, but I haven't really talked much about it. I think sometimes I identify as androgynous, even if my main gender will always be female. I don't know exactly where it fits, but I still like to think about it once in a while. I don't think it's bad for it to be about self-discovery.

[PoeciMeta]

11 hours ago, Solcte said:

There is a sense of relief/freedom with the thought of considering myself NB and/or androgyne; it feels like my sense of self is recognized/acknowledged and I have the permission to express that.

That's great! You really might be onto something there~ 

I remember I had fuzzy feelings about agender when I discovered it. I couldn't tell if it was right, and there's always doubt associated to that, but I wanted to ''really be agender'', whatever that means, I wanted to get rid of my gender if that makes sense. I was told that's a part of the answer; longing for an identity, even if you don't know it's you, is likely to mean it has something to do with you in some way. 

[Adlena]

Hi. I think our vocabularies are inadequate to define what we feel and know deep down to just...be...we are trying to define our very essence... We re all immensely complex. I ve just come to accept recently that I'm asexual and I'm happy that it's a valid state of affairs. I never heard of asexuality when I was younger. Wish I had. I think for me my asexuality is connected to my gender. My gender is a bit ambiguous. I'm happy with both cause that's part of what makes me the individual iam and I like myself most of the time. I think the important thing is that we accept ourselves and try to be happy. Regardless of what anyone else claims to think of us or what we call what we are.

[Solcte]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and stories!

 

@Aidlena I completely agree with you on how hard it can be to put all these feelings into words. It seems that trying to understand personal gender is a very nebulous thing for many people. It's perfectly okay to not want a label to define how you feel; that's a very personal decision for everyone. I wish you all the best on your journey to a clearer understanding!

[Adlena]

Thanks for that..I can see value of labels too on journey to get your head around identity etc. Lots of very supportive folk in this I think

[Just Somebody]

I don't have too much time to answer such doubts here but I already did once there: 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/188102-gender-identity-gender-expression-gender-for-beginners/

 

 

[Isaac]

Have you considered if the term cis-genderless fits you? Look 

 

[KoiFishShoes]

On 12/30/2019 at 6:07 PM, Solcte said:

There is a sense of relief/freedom with the thought of considering myself NB and/or androgyne; it feels like my sense of self is recognized/acknowledged and I have the permission to express that.

I'm in this paragraph, and I like it. I'm not sure what my gender identity actually is, but I identify with that sense of relief and giving myself permission and time to explore.

[Solcte]

On 1/4/2020 at 1:53 AM, Just Somebody said:

I don't have too much time to answer such doubts here but I already did once there: 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/188102-gender-identity-gender-expression-gender-for-beginners/

 

 

 

On 1/5/2020 at 5:11 AM, Isaac said:

Have you considered if the term cis-genderless fits you? Look 

 

Thank you both for this input! The topic of gender identity vs. gender expression is good to consider and I like the idea of GNC Cis-gender. This seems closely related to cis-genderless, too. 

 

There's a lot of terms out there to parse through and it's surely no exact science. I'm still giving it all some thought, but that's okay! 

[Just Somebody]

Just now, Solcte said:

 

Thank you both for this input! The topic of gender identity vs. gender expression is good to consider and I like the idea of GNC Cis-gender. This seems closely related to cis-genderless, too. 

 

There's a lot of terms out there to parse through and it's surely no exact science. I'm still giving it all some thought, but that's okay! 

There's also no need to label or name yourself anything if this isn't contributing to your happiness.  And I'm glad it helped.

 

Also, if it's not contributing to your happiness, then there's no need to be specific about labels or names, you could call simply yourself an gender non-conforming  (GNC) person as it's the biggest umbrella and community or group where all gender diverse people fall into.

[Just Somebody]

Just now, Just Somebody said:

There's also no need to label or name yourself anything if this isn't contributing to your happiness.  And I'm glad it helped.

 

Also, if it's not contributing to your happiness, then there's no need to be specific about labels or names, you could call simply yourself an gender non-conforming  (GNC) person as it's the biggest umbrella and community or group where all gender diverse people fall into.

Forgot to add. Ops.

 

 

Changing labels or how you describe yourself is okay too as you understand yourself and reality. 

[Solcte]

3 minutes ago, Just Somebody said:

There's also no need to label or name yourself anything if this isn't contributing to your happiness.  And I'm glad it helped.

Yeah, as I'm learning more I'm finding that finding a perfect name for my gender identity may not even be needed. At the end of the day, gender identity seems very difficult to define and the "lines" are blurring between terms. My hope is that in the future, gender will matter less and less. 

 

One on hand, I think having a term to describe how I feel would help me get a better grasp on my personal identity. But then I think, does it really matter? Hm.. I'll figure it out, eventually. 

[Just Somebody]

Just now, Solcte said:

Yeah, as I'm learning more I'm finding that finding a perfect name for my gender identity may not even be needed. At the end of the day, gender identity seems very difficult to define and the "lines" are blurring between terms. My hope is that in the future, gender will matter less and less. 

 

One on hand, I think having a term to describe how I feel would help me get a better grasp on my personal identity. But then I think, does it really matter? Hm.. I'll figure it out, eventually. 

Well if it matters for you is something only you can figure out, but as I rewrote above, you don't really need to be specific about it if it isn't contributing to your happiness.