Newbie - I'm sexual, spouse is asexual.

[MiAzCo88]

First if this isn't the right place to post this, apologies.

 

I don't even know where to start...

So ummm, Hello! 

I'm going to jump right in. 

 

I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5. He never initiated sex in the beginning of our relationship, but was definitely into it when I did. It wasn't really a problem that I ALWAYS initiated sex, until he turned me down on 3 separate occasions, that was about 4 years ago, and I haven't been the same since. I thought some childhood trauma was the root cause, but even if it was he has told me that he has dealt with the issues, accepted it, refuses to seek any type of counseling, because of having to relive the trauma (when I say refuse, I mean any time I bring up wanting him to get counseling to deal with it, it turns into him RAGING and if I bring it up again he has said he will divorce me), and logically I know it is not my place, nor could/should I force him into counseling. So here I am, trying to just accept he is asexual. I don't want to lose my marriage, he is a great guy in so many ways, and cares about me like no one else ever has. While I believe sex/intimacy is a huge part of a marriage, I also don't think you throw something great away just because of lack of sex/intimacy. And it hasn't been just sex, he is in general not a very affectionate person, and does not pick up on cues. 

I should mention I have heard the term asexual for years, and I do understand it, however, YESTERDAY was the first time my husband used the term to define himself (so I'm still unsure of wtf is going on in my own head since hearing him say it). 

He is willing to meet me in the middle, and give me what I want, as long as I take the lead. But it's been so many years, idk where to start, I have ZERO self confidence in the bedroom department now, and trying to teach someone intimacy, after having so much resentment and hurt, just the thought of making out makes me want to burst into tears. I have mind f*(3d myself into this girl who is so terrified of being turned down, being judged, doing something wrong, that I am paralyzed by the thought of touching my husband. 

After the first of the year I do plan on going back to therapy for myself, before yesterday it was to focus on my anger and control issues (I'm a real catch I know lol), but now I'm looking at a whole other set of "issues" I didn't know I had. I'm here because I need some reassurance, some guidance, some friends, both sexual and asexual who can help me understand, so that maybe I can get my intimacy self confidence back and actually make this marriage really effing good. 

 

I'm really glad I found this place, even if it is just for reassurance that neither my husband nor myself are alone. 

 

❤️

[appleseedy]

Hey, sorry to hear about your situation, i don't have any cake pics to send but i'm sure someone will do the proper AVEN welcome

Firstly a digital hug for your story

 

your OK

Probably everyone needs therapy sooner or later, for something or other

i've been reading about trauma, its a subject i'm interested in

Sometimes traumatised people will relive that trauma, it can be a long journey to a safe space where we can experience trauma without being overwhelmed by it. Rage is one of the many possible responses. A way to cope shall we say until we are ready to allow it to become our yesterday instead of our today. But you know your situation better than I

 

As for the mixed relationship, plenty of advice and similiar stories on the forum

 

hope you find some peace of mind

[thyristor]

Welcome to AVEN! There's cake at the end of this post!

 

Now, does your husband know that you joined AVEN? Would he like to join, too?

 

How do you feel about just cuddling? You say, your husband is not the affectionate kind. And, as for myself, when someone wants to cuddle me, I automatically assume that they want more than that and then I desperately try to find an affectionate way to tell them, I'm not interested in more. But if you and your husband really trust eachother and agree on it being just cuddeling (for that one evening, or for a week or whatever), could each of you then just relax?

 

I'm not sure where I'm going at with these questions, I just feel that from what you tell (which is among others about being turned down for sex but doesn't tell about being turned down for cuddeling), not being relaxed is making the issue harder than it already might be. :thinking face:

 

Hope you'll find some helpful input here, and once again: welcome!

 

[Lichley]

Welcome! Yeah I’d recommend starting it slow. You’re still worried about everything, and he’s uneasy but willing to work with you. Just take your time, little steps. Cuddles seems like a good first step. Just sit next to each other, and raise your arm up and ask if he wants a hug. If he doesn’t then that’s fine he’s probably not in the mood, if he does then yay hug  

[Fyre]

So I can relate, on the other side. I'm the newly out asexual wife of a very sexual husband. We have one 4 year old son. Libido disappeared after my son's birth. Lots of significant stressors impacted our family and this year some were relieved, but my libido hasn't returned and I'm not sure I mind other than how upset and frustrated my husband is because of it. I've been through the cycles of "What's wrong with me?" and "why can't I just do this with him" and he's made statements about not feeling attractive to me, which I've told him he isn't but now I don't think it's him, i think it's that I just don't find anyone particularly attractive sexually. I love my husband and want to stay married to him, but I don't want to have sex anymore. He's not doing well with where we are at currently. In between therapists, and now are considering a sex therapist. I'm open to new ideas but it's a problem for us because it's a problem for him, so I don't know if sex therapy would help. I want to support him as much as I can, but I also need help in telling him how I can so he can finally understand me as someone much less confusing than I've been. I don't know if loving him without sex is enough for him to want to stay, and if it's not, then I understand,

[MiAzCo88]

On 12/29/2019 at 2:21 PM, elisabeth_II said:

Welcome to AVEN! There's cake at the end of this post!

 

Now, does your husband know that you joined AVEN? Would he like to join, too?

 

How do you feel about just cuddling? You say, your husband is not the affectionate kind. And, as for myself, when someone wants to cuddle me, I automatically assume that they want more than that and then I desperately try to find an affectionate way to tell them, I'm not interested in more. But if you and your husband really trust eachother and agree on it being just cuddeling (for that one evening, or for a week or whatever), could each of you then just relax?

 

I'm not sure where I'm going at with these questions, I just feel that from what you tell (which is among others about being turned down for sex but doesn't tell about being turned down for cuddeling), not being relaxed is making the issue harder than it already might be. :thinking face:

 

Hope you'll find some helpful input here, and once again: welcome!

 

Thank you for the warm welcome!

Apparently I never realized that my husband is fairly clueless when it comes to any intimacy, whether it is cuddling or sex (I don't mean that in a nasty way, just a matter of fact). Cuddling the other night, it was just rough, there's no real embrace. But rather than thinking too much into it, I just tried to show/tell him what I like (seriously, just having him put my arm around me while we sit on the couch). Trying to stay in the moment and enjoy what I have, rather than think about how much better I could have it and not be frustrated. 

Also, my husband hates most online things lol, but maybe I will mention it. 

[MiAzCo88]

On 12/29/2019 at 5:32 PM, Lichley said:

Welcome! Yeah I’d recommend starting it slow. You’re still worried about everything, and he’s uneasy but willing to work with you. Just take your time, little steps. Cuddles seems like a good first step. Just sit next to each other, and raise your arm up and ask if he wants a hug. If he doesn’t then that’s fine he’s probably not in the mood, if he does then yay hug  

Little baby steps. 💗

[MiAzCo88]

On 12/29/2019 at 8:17 PM, Fyre said:

 

 

[gdecernay]

Hello and welcome! I'm sorry to hear about your situation and thought I might be able to offer some insight from the other side as a heterosexual, asexual married male. Much like your husband, I have almost never initiated sex, and when I have, it is out of realizing that it is something that is important to my spouse. But again, that realization and initiation has to align with something else, usually a feeling of connection at the moment that makes me feel and appreciate the bond we have. I have to mentally prepare myself to initiate because it can and does feel like a chore sometimes, and while the comparison may not be great, it can take the same amount of effort as one would need to go tackle a big pile of dishes. I was curious about the situations in which your husband has flat out said no, because I too have had those reactions when the initiation of sex feels a bit randomly timed. Sex isn't on my radar, and if it is initiated when my mind is off on something else or I'm not feeling particularly close and affectionate, it can be maddening to feel a strange sense of pressure, and that just heightens the feeling of rejection my wife feels...and then the whole situation has gone to shit. So I would ask for more info on how those refusals played out and if it was at all possible that the initiation just seemed to be random and "oppressive" to him at the moment. I do think his barrier to talking about things is unfortunate, because I have come to believe after acknowledging my own asexuality that communication is the key to everything. So many moments that felt burdensome to me have actual led to intimacy because we've had frank conversations about the feelings. That communication leads to the bond that is basically a requirement for any kind of physical intimacy for me.

 

I think it's also important to point out what another member stated. I do not see myself as a physical, sexual being. I go the gym regularly because of how it mentally makes me feel and i want to be healthy for my family, but I do not register any aesthetic qualities it might bring. My wife says she finds me attractive, but I don't think of myself as an attractive, sexual being, and that has been a hurdle to overcome. But again, it was overcome by communicating, and it sounds like you're trying to do that. Hopefully some of this might provide insight into where he is and help with new avenues for constructive discussion with him. I'll end with, from my perspective, my disinterest in sex has nothing to do with my wife's efforts, and despite my refusals at times, they have never been from a place of judgment toward her, thinking she did something wrong, or that you as a person are being rejected. I know it can feel that way, but I've never rejected "her"...it has just been bad timing with two conflicted approaches. Once that is worked out, things smooth over. 

[MiAzCo88]

Thank you!!! Thank you for everything you just said!

Honestly, it's been so long, I truly don't remember how they played out. I know that one time it was after a long day of work, the other two times I remember they were weekends, so he was off work, but I don't remember that day or what else happened. I've been so focused on being turned down & not knowing he was asexual, it never occurred to me that it felt like negative pressure. Being so exposed to all guys have a decent - huge sex drive, I didn't think about it like a kind of, overall general negative experience (no one likes feeling pressured). 

 

My husband feels similar to you as far as his own attractiveness, it's not a "thing" for him. Which I understood, but that tied to how I felt he felt towards my attractiveness and then add the rejection, it just tore a hole in my heart. I didn't and still don't quite understand (but I really want to try). 

 

I know that if I open up communicating he will too. And I'm getting there, I'm getting over the selfish hurt, learning to be more inquisitive and open to how he feels and how we can grow together through this. 

 

Thank you again. 

[gdecernay]

You're very welcome. From my own personal experience and coming to understand my asexuality, I can say that the perception that all guys have a strong sex drive was crazy-making. It made me feel as though something was wrong with me or that I was abnormal, and when relationships would get close and I wouldn't want them to go any further, it lead to conflict because I didn't have the tools and awareness to communicate where I was coming from and how the relationship could incorporate sex in a healthy way. Again, that was my experience and I can only speak to that. Many who posted here had a great idea of taking sex out of the equation for a while. Focus on feeling close, validating that he can feel confused and that you want to work it out together from a place where no one is deficient or flawed. Talking can be hard for guys, especially around topics like this.