I'm so confused - ace, greyace or low libido

[TeaDrinkerExtraordinaire]

Hi there,
I'm a 26yo (straight cis female), engaged to my partner of 8 years and currently going mad trying to figure myself out!

It feels really weird to post things like this on the internet to strangers but I don't really have anywhere else to ask. This feels WAY too TMI but I'm so desperate and confused 😞

After much googling, I can definitively say that I'm romantically and sensually attracted to my partner but I genuinely don't know if I experience sexual attraction (if I do I would definitely be demisexual). 

Sex was never something that interested me during puberty - I couldn't imagine it, didn't want to try it... I started dating my fiance when we were both 18 and I put it off for as long as possible. When I eventually did it, it was out of a desire to be more emotionally and physically close - I didn't regret it but have always felt as if I wasn't ready in some way. It's always been something that makes me awkward and shy and I always told myself if I had waited til I was more ready, then I wouldn't be still experiencing the feelings I have now.

 

I was reading an article and this part resonated with me so much: “I like to have sex with my partner because it's a way for us to be physically intimate with one another beyond cuddling and kissing,” she says. “Because I'm asexual, I can't always jump right into sex or a sexual mood the way a lot of people can, so it takes me more time and preparation to get there."

 

I'm so confused! I will sometimes get aroused by sex scenes in tv/ books/ movies etc. and sometimes (though rarely) through extended periods of physical contact with my partner (think hugging, quality time, being generally close).

When I think about the times that I have wanted to have sex, unprompted by physical contact or sex scenes in books/ movies/ tv it's been due to busy schedules and lack of quality time spent together - I feel like it's emotionally driven?

I enjoy kissing etc. but I never go into it wanting sex - BUT, almost always when making out I get aroused and it's only after this that I think about wanting to take it further.

Are arousal and sexual attraction different things??? 

 

I just really needed to get all these questions out there!

 

 

OH, almost forgot. I've been on anti-depressants for most of my adult life – I'm aware that low sex drive is a side effect and I don’t know if I am genuinely low libido/ maybe grey ace or if it’s the medication making me this way… ughhhh

 

[Acebooklove]

Arousal and sexual attraction are different, as long as the arousal isn´t generated by a person. 

 

As for the antidepressants, I wouldn´t be able to say, sorry

 

Maybe you´re gray!

 

Hope this helps  

[TeaDrinkerExtraordinaire]

16 minutes ago, Acebooklove said:

Arousal and sexual attraction are different, as long as the arousal isn´t generated by a person. 

 

As for the antidepressants, I wouldn´t be able to say, sorry

 

Maybe you´re gray!

 

Hope this helps  

Thanks for your reply!  
I think I like the idea of grey because it is so ... like, it kind of covers everything that's not just regular 'sexual' 
I don't know why but it feels weird to use the term for myself - like I'm not supposed to or something 😕

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hiya

What you describe sounds pretty close to me, and I consider myself demisexual, but I put a question mark there because I'm not that into sex for its own sake even when I'm connected and feeling the vibe. It's more like you described, as an act of intimacy (and sensual affection for me, since I'm very sensual).

 

I don't think there's a better term, at least I haven't found one. You could be half and half, I guess (between demi and asexual). The only reason I don't consider myself asexual even though I'm not even sure if I experience sexual attraction, is because I don't feel like it I'm totally ok being seen as sexual a little. Sometimes I do feel some arousals that make me think it may be sexual, but it's hard to tell.

Unfortunately, as far as I know, there isn't a precise term for how we are. I'd love to know if there is one, but if there is it must be obscure.
You do seem even less sexual than me though, so .. I don't know. I would say gray-asexual could actually be a good term.. that or demi-asexual. Don't bother looking for that term, I made it up But it's just what I mentioned, a combination or inbetween of demi and asexual. (alternatively, demisexual/asexual)

How do you feel about that?

[TeaDrinkerExtraordinaire]

Thank you so much for sharing,
Up until very recently I really just thought there was asexual and sexual and was bummed out that I didn't seem to fit in either one. It makes sense that there's a middle ground... I genuinely thought I was, for lack of a better word, defective.

 

Maybe I'll call myself a "demigraysexual" 😂

 

In all honesty, I already feel better having looked into it and seeing so many others not fitting neatly into categories; it makes me feel okay that I don't  

 

I have to remember that I wouldn't judge others so I need to stop judging myself

[Acebooklove]

15 hours ago, TeaDrinkerExtraordinaire said:

Thanks for your reply!  
I think I like the idea of grey because it is so ... like, it kind of covers everything that's not just regular 'sexual' 
I don't know why but it feels weird to use the term for myself - like I'm not supposed to or something 😕

You´ll get used to the term, its new its all❤️

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Well, that's not bad. As good as any hard to label place
I may be something like that too. I'm not too picky about the label for me, but I'll remember this conversation if ever I want to try to be more specific