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Eldritch_Wombat

Is there a term for this?

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Eldritch_Wombat

I've started using the grey-asexual label for myself because its a simple way for me to describe how I experience things; in a grey area between asexual and sexual. I don't experience sexual attraction, but I'm not opposed to sex once I'm in a relationship. I love having this term and I'm going keep using it regardless to keep things from getting complicated, but as someone new to the community and ready to learn, I'm curious about something.

 

My specific feelings towards sex would be more accurately described as true indifference. Is there a term for someone who enjoys sex, but doesn't need it in their relationships? As in; it's great, but it's not essential to their enjoyment or sense of fulfillment in a romantic relationship? The closest I've come across is cupiosexual which I'm not even sure is a widely accepted label in the ace community (not looking to offend anyone; it just seems like there's either a divide over it or just a straight up lack of knowledge around it), but it looks like it's used by people who don't experience sexual attraction but want a sexual relationship anyway. It's close, but doesn't account for the other side of me that doesn't need sex, and I don't really full-on desire a sexual relationship due to my indifference. It doesn't resonate with me like grey-ace does, so I don't think any other term will. Honestly, grey-ace seems to cover the idea well enough for me (again; no offense to people who use the label). But just out of curiosity, does anyone know a label that describes this? 

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Sarah-Sylvia

I'm not sure there is a term for it, though I'd be curious to hear, because I think I'm like that as well (besides being demi-sexual). Gray-asexual is a pretty broad label, so it covers quite a bit of ground if you want to stick with that for now. Let's see if someone else has heard of a term that might fit, but I haven't seen something like it yet, and based on talks it might just not have a label (yet?).

I guess it could be possible to invent a term. I don't know. Something like Unnesexual. (like unnecessary or unneeded).  Basically all I'd want is a term to say that regardless of if there's attraction or not, sex is not seen as needed, and can easily be put aside. In your case you don't have the attraction at all though, so there could be the mention of asexuality in there somewhere, though if something can be enjoyed, to me that says that there's at least 'some' feelings of desire. But some others thought differently. Anyway :P

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Eldritch_Wombat
22 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Basically all I'd want is a term to say that regardless of if there's attraction or not, sex is not seen as needed, and can easily be put aside.

Yeah, I think that this type of grey-asexuality warrants its own distinctive label because I feel that a fair amount of people could relate to it. I do prefer to use the broad grey-ace label for myself, but I'm sure that it would be useful for people who want a more specific term. I would definitely be interested to see if there is one already. 

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Philip027

Being indifferent to sex or being able to enjoy sex doesn't exclude someone from being asexual (it's not a requirement to dislike sex to be ace, basically).  It comes down to whether or not sex is something you actually desire with other people.

 

If you still feel like gray is a better fit for you anyway then go for it, but just thought I would point that out.

 

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but it looks like it's used by people who don't experience sexual attraction but want a sexual relationship anyway.

There's really no effective difference, which is why the term gets some scrutiny.  If you want sex with someone, you're sexually attracted to them on at least some level.  I don't see the point in trying to split hairs here.

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Eldritch_Wombat
8 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Being indifferent to sex or being able to enjoy sex doesn't exclude someone from being asexual (it's not a requirement to dislike sex to be ace, basically).  It comes down to whether or not sex is something you actually desire with other people.

I totally understand that. I just prefer to use the distinctive "grey" as a signal to represent that I'm not opposed to sex once I've entered a relationship despite my lack of sexual attraction to people. Sex isn't something I actively desire with random people, but I'm sex-positive, so I'm open to it with people I'm romantically involved with. But I know there's people who feel the same way and just stick to the broad asexual label and that's cool too. I feel, as with a lot of labels, it comes down to personal preference. Everyone has a reason for using the labels that they do.

 

I mean I get that there are some cases where people try to invent terms for things that already have terms and we end up with 5 different labels for the exact same experience and that can get annoying. But for the most part, I think that if someone finds a distinctive term under a broader one that resonates with them, they should use it. It's why we have terms like demisexuality; yes, it's still asexuality but it's a distinctive way that certain people experience it which warrants it's own specific label in addition to the umbrella definition of asexuality. A demisexual is asexual, but they'll desire sex with a person when a strong bond is formed. It doesn't mean that they lose their asexuality; their sexual attraction has been gained by this specific person, but not by anyone outside the relationship. They are still asexual in the context of everyone else in their life and the strangers around them. Hence the distinct label.

 

That's my personal opinion anyway.

 

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Sarah-Sylvia

Well I like the distinction since most asexuals don't enjoy sex enough. It's more like they can tolerate it, or enjoy it for other reasons.

" Grey-asexuality and greyromanticism describes anyone who falls in some area between being asexual and sexual, or aromantic and romantic. This identity is especially idiosyncratic, as the experiences of grey-asexual/greyromantics can vary wildly. People who identify with either of these labels can include (but are in no way limited to), people who do not normally experience attraction but do sometimes, people who experience attraction but have a low sex drive, and people who can enjoy and desire sex or romantic relationships but under very limited and specific circumstances. The identities to follow can all fit underneath the grey-asexual or greyromantic labels if the person identifying with it chooses to. "

I bolded the line I thought applied here. Personally I would put it in gray-asexuality. Else it just feels odd, since someone could use the term asexual but enjoy being sexual for its own sake, while just not feel attraction for it or seek it out.

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Eldritch_Wombat
45 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Well I like the distinction since most asexuals don't enjoy sex enough. It's more like they can tolerate it, or enjoy it for other reasons.

 

46 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Personally I would put it in gray-asexuality.

Yeah, you know what? That sounds right; it's a more accurate distinction. It definitely seems to exist in a grey area.

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Philip027
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Else it just feels odd, since someone could use the term asexual but enjoy being sexual for its own sake, while just not feel attraction for it or seek it out.

To be fair, just the bolded part alone makes a pretty damn big difference between such a person and a "normative" (sexual) person.  The vast majority of people do experience that drive/attraction, and the vast majority of THOSE people expect everyone else to be able to as well, which is why aces can tend to feel rather lonely in this particular regard.

 

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It's why we have terms like demisexuality; yes, it's still asexuality but it's a distinctive way that certain people experience it which warrants it's own specific label in addition to the umbrella definition of asexuality. A demisexual is asexual, but they'll desire sex with a person when a strong bond is formed.

I'd actually argue that demisexuality isn't asexuality.  It is, ultimately, someone that IS capable of feeling sexual desire/attraction toward others, just in a more situational way, situational enough that it can often be confused with asexuality if it hasn't happened yet -- which is why it warrants a place under the gray umbrella.

 

Aces, on the other hand, do not have that capability whatsoever.  Even though the line can be blurry, there is still a difference.

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Sarah-Sylvia

I wonder if I should consider myself something like a gray-demisexual. If I keep saying I'm demisexual, people might think I can have normal sexual attraction with someone I'm close to. Maybe I can sometimes, I dunno lol.

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