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Am I asexual or maybe there's something wrong with me?


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Hello there! I'm new here but I can't say I'm new to the whole discovering sexuality stuff? I've been questioning myself for a while and I think this site is the best place for seeking answers. I'm quite young (barely 18) but my sexuality's been bugging me for the last years. The thing is... I don't think I am sexually attracted to anyone.

Every time my female friends tell me how handsome someone is, I'm just lost. Of course, I can tell that person is pretty. Sometimes I get slightly enamored. But then I'm thinking, 'would I let him (the only thing I am sure of is that I'm hetero-something) kiss me and more?' A big no! What's ironic, from my mother's stories I know that as I child I only had crushes on fictional characters. Never living people. At first, I thought I was demisexual, that by 'knowing' a character I've developed an emotional bond, and it would go the same with living people. Now I doubt that. Now I don't crush at all.

The whole 'demisexual theory' is even more impossible now, when I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that is my best friend. Why impossible? Because despite that I care about him, I wish him well... I don't feel sexually attracted. I really trust him, he could... I don't know to change my pads when I have broken both arms during the period. I can kiss him, hold hands, but I do it for him. I don't fear to break up because I know that in the end, he will be my friend, and that's the most important thing for me. I know he's noticed that I don't like kissing and boy when he tried to french kiss me my whole brain went into shutdown. Absolutely disgusting. <- This 'event' is the reason why I decided to finally seek help here. The idea of having sex with him is surreal. To be honest the idea of having sex with anyone is surreal. I doubt it would even be pleasurable since I get aroused sometimes and when I try to do something about it, I feel nothing. Even though I've read many articles about doing it right, where to touch, erogenous zones, etc. I thought that maybe I'm one of those women that feel anything only when doing it with a partner. Well, I was wrong. 

I can't tell what I am and it slowly destroys me. I've always had other problems, but this? It causes me so much stress, the sadness is so overwhelming I can't sometimes sleep. I feel guilty for being with my boyfriend because I'm almost sure I will not change. Call it a Jedi's Intuition or something. 

I think this will be enough for an experienced person to help me. Am I asexual? Or maybe just a late bloomer? I still hope that maybe it will change, because that's (as I read) possible. Or maybe I will learn to accept myself the way I am. I've never dreamed of a big wedding, I've never wanted kids, I feel good on my own. I'm introverted, I like being at home, talking with my small group of friends. Sometimes when I see people in love in real life, movies... it seems good but doesn't feel good for me. I don't see the appeal of waking beside someone, of someone randomly hugging me. I've never been one to like even platonic-touching (hugging, etc.), I only do it with my close friends. I guess I just want a company, one that understands me, laughs with me... but that's just what a good friend is. Maybe I will meet someone that will make me dizzy with love, but at the same time... my current boyfriend made me all blushing and stuff for a long time, I wished for him to be with me. Sometimes I think of kissing him, doing more, but when it comes to it? Nononoplsbegone. Idontfeelanythingman. And thus my want for him to be with me is slowly disappearing because it is not what I thought it would be for me. 

Sorry for such a long story but I needed to get it out of me. I really hope I will find some answers before the questions will eat me.
English is not my native language so if anyone finds something unclear, words wrongly used, etc. I will try to explain what I meant 🙋‍♀️

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2 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

Hello there! I'm new here but I can't say I'm new to the whole discovering sexuality stuff? I've been questioning myself for a while and I think this site is the best place for seeking answers.

Well, we do our best, and Welcome to AVEN!

 

It's a tradition to welcome our new members with cake, so here you are:

Orange-Buttermilk-Cake-1-sm-final.jpg

 

 

2 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

I'm quite young (barely 18) but my sexuality's been bugging me for the last years. The thing is... I don't think I am sexually attracted to anyone.

Every time my female friends tell me how handsome someone is, I'm just lost.

I hear you. And, I hardcore relate. I'm also 18, and I have been questioning for what feels like wayyy too long. I also can tell if someone is pretty, but it's like a fact, not a feeling. It's much the same as saying, "yes, this insect is a Monarch butterfly". I can identify it, but it doesn't do anything for me, as, I might suppose, it does for straight people.

 

2 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

I only had crushes on fictional characters. Never living people. At first, I thought I was demisexual, that by 'knowing' a character I've developed an emotional bond, and it would go the same with living people. Now I doubt that. Now I don't crush at all.

Mmmhm, that's pretty common around here. It's known as fictosexuality, I think. For me, I also fall in love with my favorite book characters. I think part of that is that it can exist in my head, where I know it's not tied to anything physical. It feels better to imagine a relationship than to live in one because I have different needs than most people.

 

2 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

The whole 'demisexual theory' is even more impossible now, when I have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that is my best friend. Why impossible? Because despite that I care about him, I wish him well... I don't feel sexually attracted. I really trust him, he could... I don't know to change my pads when I have broken both arms during the period. I can kiss him, hold hands, but I do it for him. I don't fear to break up because I know that in the end, he will be my friend, and that's the most important thing for me. I know he's noticed that I don't like kissing and boy when he tried to french kiss me my whole brain went into shutdown. Absolutely disgusting. <- This 'event' is the reason why I decided to finally seek help here. The idea of having sex with him is surreal. To be honest the idea of having sex with anyone is surreal. I doubt it would even be pleasurable since I get aroused sometimes and when I try to do something about it, I feel nothing. Even though I've read many articles about doing it right, where to touch, erogenous zones, etc. I thought that maybe I'm one of those women that feel anything only when doing it with a partner. Well, I was wrong.

I'm glad you have a best friend for your partner, and that you feel that your friendship will survive, whatever happens. As for feeling like things are a bit "surreal", I'm not sure what the expectations are where you live, but I can see how this would be a difficult situation. In America, it can feel like you're trapped between dating, which seems like a commitment to sex, and friendship, where it seems less important than a romantic partner.

 

To offer some of my experience, I want someone to feel close to, emotionally. I want to tell jokes and watch funny movies for someone, and be a support and a best friend. I, too, wonder whether I should really just be looking for better friends, as opposed to a romantic relationship. I haven't found a perfect answer yet, but I've been able to learn a lot about myself here on AVEN :)

 

2 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

 Am I asexual? Or maybe just a late bloomer?

This might seem weird, but we try not to hand out a label when new members arrive. The reality is, it's up to you how you identify. We can't tell you if your asexual, because a few paragraphs don't give us your whole life story.

 

That said, I think you have quite a bit in common with my experience and with other aces' experiences. If identifying as asexual helps you make sense of those experiences, then great. Also keep in mind that you can change your labels later on. If you decide to identify as asexual, and it doesn't work out, you can stop identifying that way. It's up to you if you tell anyone, but if you're questioning, it's generally good to tell your partner, so that you can be fair to each other.

 

As for the "late bloomer" question... it's hard to say, but I think that most people have experienced sexual attraction by 17 or 18. This doesn't mean that everyone has sex at that age, but most people will have experienced feelings that they know are tied to a desire to have sex. Not all straight people have had this at 17 or 18, but many have. It's helpful to realize that the label isn't permanent, so if you want to "try it on" and see if you feel different in a year, you can.

 

3 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

I still hope that maybe it will change, because that's (as I read) possible.

Hmm. I'm not sure what you've been reading, but I don't think it will change for most people. Asexuality hasn't been studied much in the sciences, but the leading consensus is that asexuality is an orientation, like straight, gay, or bi, and you're born with it. You can still change your labels anytime, and you don't have to identify as ace, but whatever the underlying biological reason is for the lack of sexual attraction isn't likely to change. Of course, there are hormone imbalances that could cause a lack of sexual desire. You can talk to your doctor, if you want to, but most aces find that their orientation is just part of who they are, even if that's a bit scary at first. The ace community remains firm that asexuality isn't caused by some bad experience or a hormone imbalance.

 

3 hours ago, IAmBatman said:

Sorry for such a long story but I needed to get it out of me. I really hope I will find some answers before the questions will eat me.

 

English is not my native language so if anyone finds something unclear, words wrongly used, etc. I will try to explain what I meant 🙋‍♀️

I get it. Questioning can be stressful! Remember to allow yourself to relax, even as you try to figure all this out.

 

Best of luck moving forward with your identity and your partner!

 

I hope to see you around on AVEN!

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