Am I demisexual?? (sorry it’s so long!)

[sapphireclouds]

Hi there!

 

i’m very new to this community and I’m looking for some guidance, advice, etc. (Prepare yourselves – this is probably going to be quite long. (Sorry!))

 

As a religious person – both in my upbringing and now – I never really questioned the fact that I was a cisgender heterosexual female, nor did I feel the need to. However, a friend recently came out to me as bisexual. This wasn’t a new experience for me, as I have many friends within the LGBTQ+ community, but she was the first of my more conservative friends to do so. Of course I was proud of her and supported her, and in order to help her feel as comfortable as possible, I decided to do some further research into the LGBTQ+ community. In doing so, I stumbled upon the term “demisexual“, and I felt like maybe it described what I had thought was “normal“ all my life. I immediately told the same friend who had prompted the research, who totally reciprocated my love and support. 
 

The next day, I told another of my very close friends that I was tentatively toying with the idea of demisexuality, and her response surprised me. While her message was altogether kind, loving, and supportive, she asked me if I was sure about it and questioned how I could be certain when I’ve never been in a relationship. It made me step back for a moment and think about it some more. Unfortunately, Google didn’t offer much help, so now I’m here.

 

here are the things that I think suggest that I might be demisexual:

1.   While I’ve had about five crushes in my life (all within the past six years), I only consider one of them to be a “real“ crush. I’m not sure why this one was “real” and the others weren’t, but I do know that the “real” one was on a friend and lasted for 2+ years. The others were on friends who I had just met or had just become closer to, and each only lasted (at most) a few months before I realized the feeling was just a strong desire to be better friends. 
2.    I am a very touchy/cuddly person, but only once I get to know you. I don’t really appreciate hugs and such from strangers and acquaintances, but I love snuggling with my friends (platonically, of course).

3.   I can appreciate the attractiveness of a person on first glance, but it doesn’t make my heart flutter. For example, when a friend showed me a picture of a guy our age because she wanted my opinion, I said something along the lines of, “he’s cute, I guess – but I’d have to meet him before making a judgment“.

4.   I can only think of one celebrity crush that I’ve had in the span of my life, and it’s one that developed after watching a few of his interviews and finding out more about what kind of a person he is.

5.   My “type” is much more about personality than looks – I’m more interested in the fact that you’re smart, funny, and kind than how tall you are. Also, I’ve noticed that I usually find people more aesthetically appealing after I get to know them (or less so, if I feel they’re not very nice). 
 

While all this seems to point somewhere towards demisexuality, there are also some reasons why I’m not sure whether I should identify as demisexual or not.

•   Maybe I’m just picky or I feel this way because of how I was raised

•   I’m still in high school, so I’ve never actually experienced a relationship that I can reference

•   Some of my crushes have developed relatively quickly, sometimes within the span of only a couple days or weeks

 

Again, I’m just very new, confused, lost, and looking for some guidance. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks!! 
 

tldr: I’m not sure if I’m demisexual or not and I’m looking for some guidance/advice. 

 

(PS. sorry again that this was so long!)

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Demisexuality means only experiencing Sexual Attraction after a close emotional bond is formed.

 

Perhaps a list of different types of attraction will help.

There's Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone (This is different from arousal, which doesn't always lead to desiring sex).

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship (I still don't know what that is, I'm Aromantic).

There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like cuddling.

There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty (you can't take your eyes off them).

There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a close friendship with someone.

And more.
 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a "Rainbow Pegacorn Launch!" cake,

https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/196720-rainbow-pegacorn-launch

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi

Well, on this site we separate different attractions, and none of what you talked was the sexual side, so unfortunately, it's hard to tell about that, but it sounds like you're maybe demi-sensual Maybe demi-romantic to some degree, since you mentioned having to get to know someone first (like the crush). Although usually people use the terms for when you personally have an emotional bond with them, so I hesitate to give that idea.

Anyway, could use more info from you if you're interested in more opinions 😜 Just remember it's how you feel that's most important. Labels are just to help describe.