Would I Still Be Asexual?

[AdoredByJoy]

Hi, I have been question wether or not I’m on the asexual spectrum for years now. It was pretty to find out who I like romantically and my gender yet I always question if I could really be on the asexual spectrum. I think it’s mainly because there is so much backlash against the asexual community which sucks. But anyway, I have always been pretty distinguished from society when it comes to sexual things. As a kid, i was always grossed out by the idea of kissing. I couldn’t even say the word because it disturbed me. I’m pretty sure until the age of 13 I could look at people kissing in real life and in movies. When kids made jokes about sex in school, I was always awkwardly laughing and overwhelmingly uncomfortable. Again, I could barely say the word “sex” without it repulsing me. Of course, this might just be me maturing later than everyone else. As of today, I still get uncomfortable in having conversations about sex but I can somewhat talk about it. If I imagine myself physically with a person, I can only see appeal in pleasing my partner and it being one-sided. I never really imagine sexual acts on myself or my partner pleasuring me. I’d want that person to full good and me perform sexual acts on them but I would feel uncomfortable if the tried it on me. Hope that makes sense? But anyway, I’m still not sure if I’m on the asexual spectrum because of this. Maybe I just need to mature more? I don’t know... what do y’all think?

[Rynn]

Lesbians have a term for those who want to sexually please their partners, but not receive pleasure themselves. It's 'stone butch' I think. I'm not sure what the term is outside that community, but it is definitely a thing.

If you have a desire to please others sexually, then to me that would sound more like (atypical) sexual, rather than asexual.

 

(Also, separately, have you considered how dysphoria might interact with sex repulsion, as in, maybe you don't want to be touched like that because you are uncomfortable with certain body parts? Just a suggestion though, I'm not telling you what you are, just trying to give you food for thought  )

[Philip027]

A/sexuality is defined more by what you actually want and desire (and who with), not by what you're okay with.

[Snao Cone]

There are many possible explanations for your situation and what it says about your orientation:

• You're asexual and firmly sex-repulsed/averse, which makes sex of minimal value to you and doesn't interfere with fulfillment
• You're sexual and firmly sex-repulsed/averse, which causes internal conflict as you have intrinsic desires for sex but barriers to fulfilling them
• You're asexual and adjusting to the ideas of sex more slowly than others, which makes you sex-repulsed/averse as you're in the learning process but believe you can ultimately come out sex-favourable once you overcome the squeamishness (meaning you will never feel a need to be sexually intimate for your own fulfillment, but think you could be open to pleasing a partner you really care for)
• You're sexual but not into sex as commonly portrayed, as you get more turned on by the thought of giving pleasure than receiving it by stimulation to your own body. Like Laurann said, this has been called "stone butch" in some lesbian communities, though other communities (such as AVEN) have translated that into a term "lithsexual" that is part of the grey area. (Some people use "asexual spectrum" to refer to the grey area, even though it's not technically asexual. In any case, you're certainly welcome in the ace community if you relate to other people's experiences, which it seems like you do.)

In any case, there is no obligation to choose what category may apply to you right now. From what you've posted here, it seems like you anticipate more self-discovery and exploration through relationships. It's totally fine to identify as questioning your a/sexuality, and it's totally fine to pursue relationships in that context if you're honest with yourself and your partner(s). That being said, just because you can imagine yourself doing something doesn't mean things would play out that way in reality. Some people need more direct experience to understand themselves. That was the case for me, up until my 30s, so it doesn't mean you're immature or undeveloped.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, AdoredByJoy said:

But anyway, I’m still not sure if I’m on the asexual spectrum because of this. Maybe I just need to mature more?

Don't assume that you're immature because you don't desire sex. Most people do, some people don't, but it doesn't make the latter group "less mature" or "worse" or "dysfunctional". The world would be a very boring place if everyone was alike.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

The others make good points but I just wanted to say, not being interested in, being repulsed by, or not being ready for, sex, doesn't make you immature. The idea that you aren't mature if you've never had sex is ridiculous. There are lots of people out there who have sex regularly who still behave like children.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I think the others gave really good information. I would just say that since you do have a bit of repulsion to sex, and may be quite a bit less sexual than the norm, you'll probably gain from this site because of that. And my impression is that you're on the spectrum somewhere, but it's still hard to tell yet, since there's missing some details about your desires (& attraction)

[Memento1]

It's not clear from your post whether you'd experience SEXUAL pleasure in pleasing a partner, or just "yay, I made this person happy and now I feel loved" pleasure.  The second is kinda toxic.  Doing something you don't mind/like to earn love and worthiness usually backfires in the end, and it's all too common.

 

As others have said, I feel you're absolutely welcomed here and on the asexual spectrum.  Your experience may change over time, it may not, but for now it sounds like you don't want sex and we fully support that!  How you feel right now is valid.  Welcome to AVEN!

[Snao Cone]

1 minute ago, Memento1 said:

The second is kinda toxic.  Doing something you don't mind/like to earn love and worthiness usually backfires in the end, and it's all too common.

It definitely can be, but not all cases are like that. Sometimes it isn't that love hinges on doing pleasurable things to a person, but that a relationship is more practical if these needs are met. "How am I to know you love me if you don't have sex with me?" is absolutely toxic, and unfortunately used as a tactic of emotional abuse. "I love you immensely but I need some sexual fulfillment to feel completely satisfied with my life" is just a reality for some, and whether a relationship is sustainable can depend on how much an asexual partner is willing to do.

[Memento1]

34 minutes ago, Snaonderneath a Mistlecone said:

It definitely can be, but not all cases are like that.

That's why I said it "usually" backfires.  We're agreeing.  In order for sexual compromise to work, communication must be stellar.  The asexual must be very assertive about their feelings, to ensure what starts as a gift doesn't turn into a chore and then a point of bitterness.  Most young asexuals do not have that level of open communication yet, and someone with insecure attachment (psychology term, yay!) almost certainly won't.  It IS possible, but I think most people are completely unaware of the skill it takes to make that work, and the OP said they're uncomfortable talking about sex.  So that's a red flag to me - don't get into a sexual compromise situation when you're uncomfortable even talking about it.

[fishcrow]

Hi, I write asexual porn on occasion, and I've heard this before.

 

A lot of asexuals have sex. A lot more of us masturbate, and more than we like to admit. I've even written about asexuals suffering porn addiction and received messages from asexuals thanking me for speaking up. The fact is, asexuals wanting to pleasure themselves or their partners is still a valid way of experiencing asexuality.

 

Usually this is not as easily accomplished or as thrilling as when sexuals do it, but, eh, what can we do.

 

The most easily understood definition of asexuality is so focused on a lack of sex or sexual interest, the other type of asexual may be afraid to invalidate themselves by describing their relationships to sex. If you do not experience sexual attraction to any particular gender, it really doesn't matter how or how much you experience sex, you are still asexual.

 

(Obv you can still be grey-ace if this sexual attraction is weak, or demi if this attraction occurs late in a relationship)

 

You definitely sound like a sex-repulsed, gold-standard Asexual, with maybe some demisexuality or even latent sex-positivity underlying your expression.

 

I hope you let yourself have some room to breath, take your exploration slow and if you try something out let me know, I need the inspiration lol

[everywhere and nowhere]

5 hours ago, Snaonderneath a Mistlecone said:

"I love you immensely but I need some sexual fulfillment to feel completely satisfied with my life" is just a reality for some, and whether a relationship is sustainable can depend on how much an asexual partner is willing to do.

Maybe... but first: from what I've read it seems clear that a lot of allosexual partners need to feel desired and not just have sex once in a while and be done with it. And, on the flipside: can a good person want their partner to do something they don't like just for them? OK, while I'm absolutely sex-averse, I can accept the idea that some asexuals may be fine with sex and find it no worse than a little boring. But I have also seen people who really don't like it, gain no pleasure from that - how could their partners want to have sex in such circumstances?!

 

A bit more for the OP... I'll try to "call" @CBC because she could say interesting things about giving and receiving from a non-asexual perspective. As for myself... I consider myself 100% sex-averse, maybe not even asexual, but not-in-the-slightest-wanting-to-be-sex-indifferent... And still... if I try to consider the issue, I feel much less frightened about the idea of "giving". It's unpleasant, more or less repulsive, but still doesn't give me the panic reaction I get from imagining "receiving". This is much more scary: first, because I'm extremely nudity-averse an I really couldn't stand being seen or touched naked; second, because the idea of having someone do something to my body feels really deeply frightening and distressing.

It doesn't "classify" a person as asexual by itself, but it seems that a fair number of aces feel much more uncomfortable with the idea of "receiving" than "giving".