Tayumari Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 I'm in a relationship and we take things quite slowly. We've been together for almost three months and never kissed (I really don't care for kissing), nor saw each others naked (I really am uncomfortable with my own body so we're slowly building to that) and clearly never had sex cause I'm ace and she's gray-ace. I had two friends commenting stuff like ''Waah you never kissed'' and ''You don't even have to ask her to kiss her on her forehead you know'' and I'm like, I don't want to kiss her on the mouth, at least not more than a peck, and I would be uncomfortable if she just kissed me anywhere without telling me that she was going to first. I was also proposed by my friend ''Hey when you come over you can both take a bath together in my huge comfy bath'' Baths are extremly terrifying to me. I can't relax in them. I much prefer showers, so why would I want to take a bath with someone else?? On the other side I have the narrative of ''It's okay to save yourself for later'' which urgh isn't what I do. I'm not saving myself. I just don't wanna do these things right now. Thank god my gf is extremly understanding. But hearing people telling me that kind of stuff made me feel weird. Makes me feel, as often, like because I'm not physical with my gf, we aren't as serious. But we know we are extremly serious about each others. Just wanna add that we're not a QPR, we're extremly romantic overall with each others. We're just not physical. So I need to hear about your slow-pace romantic relationships to feel less anormal. Link to post Share on other sites
elizabeth17 Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 my partner and I sort of defy definitions of purely romantic or platonic relationships but maybe this will make you feel better. We had a very deep/serious platonic relationship for probably 7ish months before we became more physical. Over the course of like 4/5 months we slowly became more physical- starting with cuddling and then slowly moving into like forehead kissing, to little pecks on the lips. Now we will make out but not have sex or anything because I'm asexual and he doesn't care about sex that much. Romantic relationships don't have to involve physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is also super important. I think our relationship became emotionally intimate months before it became physically intimate. And honestly physical intimacy doesn't define a romantic relationship. So I wouldn't worry if you and your girl friend decide never to kiss each other. Kissing does not equal romantic attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 My relationship started online, so it was very non-physical... given we were 4,000 miles apart But, we were very romantically into one another and I fell for her before we ever touched. You can easily fall for someones mind and personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayumari Posted December 22, 2019 Author Share Posted December 22, 2019 @Serran Yeah another factor in my relationship is that we're long-distant as well XD We see each others 6 days a month so especially for someone like me who needs slow build up for physical stuff it's even more slow-pace. @elizabeth17 Thanks for the nice words ^^ I also think the same with my gf, I feel like our emotionnal bond is very very important and I would have had a hard time being physically intimate with her before being emotionnaly invested. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 We’ve been together for 3.5 years, and I’ve never seen my partner completely naked. For me it’s not about moving slowly – it’s not like we have some goal towards which we are going at a higher or lower speed. There’s no goal – we just love each other, and I do my best to respect his borders and not make him uncomfortable. And we’ve never had a bath or shower together either. Nobody except the two of you knows what is really right or wrong for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 1 hour ago, Lara Black said: And we’ve never had a bath or shower together either. I have had baths and showers with people before and ... I don't get the appeal. It's not romantic. It's not sexy. You either don't get clean, cause you're not cleaning properly. Or you're grossly cleaning your body in ways that aren't sexy looking. If you try for sex, the water washes away the lubricant your body produces naturally and it can become owwy dry. If you're not the right heights, it is some very dangerous and slippery gymnastics to get the positions to work to begin with. And rarely do I agree with a partner about water temps, so either they are cold or I am burning my skin off. Give me a nice soft bed and the comfort of doing it laying down. Guess I'm traditional that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 1 minute ago, Serran said: I have had baths and showers with people before and ... I don't get the appeal. It's not romantic. It's not sexy. I had baths with my ex… I liked it. No sex, of course, for all the reasons you’ve listed, but I really liked the process of caressing the person I love under water. There was this sensation of warm water around you, slow and lazy movements, caressing each other. It’s not for everybody, of course, but it felt very nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayumari Posted December 22, 2019 Author Share Posted December 22, 2019 Everything about bathing with someone sounds really nice beside the getting naked part to me haha - thank god we have a jacuzzi at my home XD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2019 Share Posted December 22, 2019 Just now, LadySloane said: Everything about bathing with someone sounds really nice beside the getting naked part to me haha - thank god we have a jacuzzi at my home XD For me it's not fun to watch my partner scrubbing their balls and penis and anus in an actual bathing situation. 😛 Jacuzzis I get cause it's not about being clean. And you have bubbles. And it's hot but not so hot you come out lobster red like most people I have dated like their bath. Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Been in a relationship (and my only one) for about a month now. We send each other a lot of memes and make jokes with one another. Most sharing that we’ve done is sharing a bag of popcorn at a movie theatre for RoS. I’ve somehow avoided having any of her older brothers or her dad giving me some kind of talk because as far as I’m aware that’s the norm when you date someone in high school (and that makes me nervous because 1) I have no interest in explaining being ace to them 2) don’t expect them to believe me if I talk about it). The only physical contact of any kind that we’ve had is her giving me a hug after I gave her a birthday present, we have not held hands. I don’t have any interest in ever seeing her naked (and I hope that the reverse is also true). Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 3 minutes ago, CBC said: In my current relationship we knew each other and were close for literal years before spending time together, and by the time that happened we'd already experienced lots of other forms of romantic and sexually-based intimacy (neither of us is asexual) even if not in person. Immediate hugs upon arrival, and I think it took less than an hour to get to kissing and sex haha. My wife was still shy, despite being in a relationship for months online. Took days to get to even a peck on the cheek! And we shared a bed due to circumstances first two nights but it was that awkward try to keep a huge amount of space to not touch kind of sharing haha when we got to her place she made up an air mattress downstairs for herself ! I tease her about it now cause last time we were together she insisted on me laying against her chest to sleep and any space between us got a complaint. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 I don't know if I'd call mine slow-paced... in some ways it was by necessity due to the long-distance aspect, but it didn't feel particularly "slow" to me otherwise. The feelings we developed for each other actually happened pretty quickly. All I can say is to stop minding so much what other people think about the relationship. There's only two opinions that matter, yours and those of your relationship partner. The relationship should be catered to what you guys want, not what someone who's not even in it wants. Quote I had baths with my ex… I liked it. No sex, of course, for all the reasons you’ve listed, but I really liked the process of caressing the person I love under water. There was this sensation of warm water around you, slow and lazy movements, caressing each other. It’s not for everybody, of course, but it felt very nice. Pretty much this, except showers. I'm far too big to share a bath unless we were to get a much bigger bath area But this is all because my spouse and I are perfectly ok with being physically close and intimate with each other. Even if someone else isn't, there isn't any problem if their partner is fine with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 5 minutes ago, CBC said: See, I think that would've freaked me out haha. Like made me way more nervous. Still might've been ok in the end of course, but I would've been mentally obsessing over... oh shit, is everything alright?! 😬😂 I like the "get it out of the way asap" method, haha (if both people are ok with it, of course). Well. She warned me ahead of time. And we took it slow. She actually pulled away from me the first time I accidentally brushed against her arm cause she wasn't ready to touch yet. So, was kind of a big deal when we first kissed. Meant she trusted me a lot. But... it took a while to get her comfortable with most things. Even voice calls took years to get regularly into. Video calls are only regular recently, over a year into marriage ! You probably would have been too paranoid to handle my wife with how stand offish she is. (and note: we were friends first so I knew she worried about the stand offish nature pushing people away... I used to assure her she would find someone willing to accept her as she was... and yeah. Turns out I was willing after we got close enough) Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 The "first kiss" thing with my partner didn't take long after we first met in person, even though it was pretty much just a "good night" parting kiss that they initiated (we were not yet residing in the same dwelling). What took longer were the lengthy discussions we've had about it years later, mostly about how nervous they felt about it before (and how giddy they felt about it afterward) compared to my relative indifference. I mean, sure, it was nice, but I didn't feel anticipatory about it at all. There were no "nerves" on my part. I can chalk that up to not being very physically driven. Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 On 12/22/2019 at 11:31 AM, LadySloane said: I had two friends commenting stuff like ''Waah you never kissed'' and ''You don't even have to ask her to kiss her on her forehead you know'' and I'm like, I don't want to kiss her on the mouth, at least not more than a peck, and I would be uncomfortable if she just kissed me anywhere without telling me that she was going to first. I was also proposed by my friend ''Hey when you come over you can both take a bath together in my huge comfy bath'' Am I the only one who's really concerned about this sort of external sexual/sensual pressure? Some friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 Personally super slow, it’ll be 3 years April without any sense of romantic bond. It’s reasonably clear to me that the BF has a strong bond for me romantically and sexually. I’m fine with the rare romance/sex compromise within reason. I like to be treated like a gentle fragile flower hehe 😛 Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 48 minutes ago, CBC said: @Janus DarkFox Is he fine with no reciprocal romantic and sexual interest? Far as I know,he can't tell the difference, which I put that down to lack of experience and/or learning difference. I couldn't tell the difference as an ace anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
ElasticPlanet Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 On 12/23/2019 at 7:42 PM, CBC said: I've never once told someone I love them first and probably never would. The only time I ever did... I was about 7 and it was never reciprocated. Still feel uncomfortable about that now in my 40s. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 25, 2019 Share Posted December 25, 2019 Never mind the speed. Find your own pace and focus on enjoying your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayumari Posted December 26, 2019 Author Share Posted December 26, 2019 @AspieAlly613 It is kind of weird, however, one of my friend (the first one) the comment was more out of surprise (he made a sweet joke about me having a cold and my gf taking care of me, kiss on the forehead good nights and such and I told him we don't do that sort of stuff). I still don't really enjoy when people make innuendos about us or comments though... Link to post Share on other sites
mintteaa Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 On 12/22/2019 at 11:15 PM, Darth Plagueis the Wise said: Been in a relationship (and my only one) for about a month now. We send each other a lot of memes and make jokes with one another. Most sharing that we’ve done is sharing a bag of popcorn at a movie theatre for RoS. I’ve somehow avoided having any of her older brothers or her dad giving me some kind of talk because as far as I’m aware that’s the norm when you date someone in high school (and that makes me nervous because 1) I have no interest in explaining being ace to them 2) don’t expect them to believe me if I talk about it). The only physical contact of any kind that we’ve had is her giving me a hug after I gave her a birthday present, we have not held hands. I don’t have any interest in ever seeing her naked (and I hope that the reverse is also true). ... Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 On 12/30/2019 at 8:35 PM, mir19 said: Does your partner know you're ace? Because I truly believe that having that information out there makes things more comfortable for everyone. I've been dating a allosexual girl for a little over a month now, and I told her I was on the asexual spectrum the same day I told her I liked her. She's absolutely lovely about it, and I know that she doesn't expect anything physical that I don't want to do. Personally, I like to hold hands and cuddle, and I'm fine with my gf kissing me on the cheek, but I have no desire to kiss her. And that's hard for me. I know it's totally okay, but I really wish I wanted to kiss her. I wish I could say that I’ve told her yet, I’m still trying to think of how to best bring it up (needs to be face to face, don’t want others hearing the discussion, etc). Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 I was going to tell her yesterday, but then she received some news by her doctor regarding health issues, which made her really upset. I figured that if I mentioned it then I would come off as an asshole and merely make her feel worse. I’ll wait a week or two and see if things improve before I consider mentioning being ace to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 Today was a great day!!!!! My girlfriend and I hanged out for most of the day and then we headed for her church for an event that was occurring there. While we were in the car the topic of humor comes up and she starts talking about all of crude jokes that go over my head. While there, she makes a few jokes about me being the most innocent person that she knows at the church. Then on the way back I bring that topic up again and we end up spending the rest of the car ride discussing things from our past and our opinions on sex. It turns out that she first developed a crush on me all the way back in middle school and then developed crushes on other guys after we stopped seeing each other the following years. During that time she developed problems in her life (which I will not specify) and other guys that she had a crush on would attempt to take advantage of her. Then she mentioned that the way that I am makes her feel more comfortable and willing to try dating. After that I started explaining how I don’t have any interest in sex and how I was afraid that that would lead to incompatibilities and how it gave me anxiety. It feels good to have had this talk with her (even if I didn’t use the term “asexual” within it). Link to post Share on other sites
mintteaa Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 On 1/18/2020 at 11:59 PM, Darth Plagueis the Wise said: Today was a great day!!!!! My girlfriend and I hanged out for most of the day and then we headed for her church for an event that was occurring there. While we were in the car the topic of humor comes up and she starts talking about all of crude jokes that go over my head. While there, she makes a few jokes about me being the most innocent person that she knows at the church. Then on the way back I bring that topic up again and we end up spending the rest of the car ride discussing things from our past and our opinions on sex. It turns out that she first developed a crush on me all the way back in middle school and then developed crushes on other guys after we stopped seeing each other the following years. During that time she developed problems in her life (which I will not specify) and other guys that she had a crush on would attempt to take advantage of her. Then she mentioned that the way that I am makes her feel more comfortable and willing to try dating. After that I started explaining how I don’t have any interest in sex and how I was afraid that that would lead to incompatibilities and how it gave me anxiety. It feels good to have had this talk with her (even if I didn’t use the term “asexual” within it). I'm so happy for you! That's great that you both feel comfortable enough to talk about those things. Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 Thanks! I appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
Nyan the awkward asexual Posted January 21, 2020 Share Posted January 21, 2020 My boyfriend knew I was ace before we started dating, and he seems pretty unbothered by that fact. We were friends for long enough for him to figure out the concept of asexuality, and I have no doubts that he's smart enough to have already known a little bit about it. He's really supportive, and generally a good person. With my ex, I had a really hard time coming out, even though it was after we broke up. He's not somebody I would want to be in a relationship with again, but I think he's also really come to accept asexuality as being valid. (Unfortunately my autocorrect algorithm has not. I have to fix it every. damn. time.) I'd say that just being open and honest really helps. As does setting clear boundaries. I'm not an adult, and I'm not going to pretend to understand adult life, but it seems like being honest in a relationship is a good thing to do. Asexual or not. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted January 24, 2020 Share Posted January 24, 2020 The goal should not be to move forward, but to find borders, happyness and levels of comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
twetzel59 Posted January 25, 2020 Share Posted January 25, 2020 On 12/24/2019 at 12:37 AM, AspieAlly613 said: Am I the only one who's really concerned about this sort of external sexual/sensual pressure? Some friends! Nope Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.