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Am I on the Asexual spectrum, or just over-thinking things?


Eldritch_Wombat

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Eldritch_Wombat

(Warning for brief, vague NSFW language)

 

Hi, I’m new here (they/them pronouns please). This is a little long, but bear with me. 

 

So, I think I’m on the asexual spectrum. I’ve identified as bi for years now, but I’ve slowly been realizing over the last few months that I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt sexual attraction. At least, based on accounts I’ve been reading from people that do anyway. But let me lay out what I know about myself and maybe someone can help me make sense of it all.

 

I’ve experienced what I would describe as a romantic pull towards people. It’s not about me thinking they’re sexy and fantasizing about getting them into bed. It’s me just finding them aesthetically pleasing and/or that their personality is positive in ways that I think I would enjoy their romantic company. I know that allosexuals experience this too, but I’ve heard that for them that it usually happens in tandem with sexual thoughts about the person, which I’ve never had. 

 

To add to this, my romantic interest in people hinges, and I mean completely, on personality. I could be feeling this way towards a person, but then suddenly find out that they’re bigoted or just in general a kind of awful person and immediately lose that. Like a switch being flipped; they’re now the ugliest person I’ve ever seen. Meanwhile, someone might not be my usual aesthetic type, but are just a lovely, interesting individual and I could still see myself with them.

 

I definitely have what a lot of people would say is a lower than average sex drive. I am capable of being aroused by sexually explicit imagery and I enjoy masturbating, but I’ve never had sexual fantasies or feelings around people I know or see around regardless of how aesthetically pleasing I find them. And I don't ever find myself desiring sex randomly either. I recently had some blood work done to check my thyroid (unrelated to this; issues run in my family so I’ve started to check that regularly now that I’m an adult) and I don’t have any sort of hormone imbalance, so this is just how I am and I’m totally fine with that.

 

I’m in my mid-twenties and have only ever been in one short-lived relationship (THAT’S a whole other story. Yikes.). It happened a few years ago and never got sexual. So, I’ve never had sex, but that doesn’t bother me as much as it would someone else my age in the same boat. In fact, I was more bothered for a while over not having my first kiss. Once that happened, I felt better and never really thought much about sex beyond, “This may happen or not, but I’m indifferent either way.”

 

I think my attitude towards sex is basically some degree of ambivalence. I am interested in sex, but it’s just in the sense that I’ve heard it’s fun and enjoyable and I would like to share that with someone I love very much. I would happily and enthusiastically indulge a partner of mine in sexual intimacy. On the other hand, if I were in a relationship with an asexual person where sex happened very little or not at all, that would be fine with me too. Sex is something I think I’d like, but it’s not essential for me nor is it something I crave.

 

To me this feels a lot like a sex-positive, grey-asexuality thing, but could I just be a low sex driven allosexual with different personal ideas and needs (or lack thereof) surrounding sex? 

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Hi there. Welcome. ;)

You'll find plenty of people here who are either asexual or less sexual, and yet have romantic attraction. It's something you'll get to be familiar with :)
It sounds like you're either in the grey area, like you're thinking, or just a lot less sexual. Either way I think you'll find it easy to relate to some of the stuff on this site.

You're actually somewhat close to how I am, except you may be more interested in sex than I am. I need a little more to be into it :P (Being close plus a good sensual vibe)
And hey we're both from Canada too. ❤️

Have fun around!

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Eldritch_Wombat
24 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hi there. Welcome. ;)

You'll find plenty of people here who are either asexual or less sexual, and yet have romantic attraction. It's something you'll get to be familiar with :)
It sounds like you're either in the grey area, like you're thinking, or just a lot less sexual. Either way I think you'll find it easy to relate to some of the stuff on this site.

You're actually somewhat close to how I am, except you may be more interested in sex than I am. I need a little more to be into it :P (Being close plus a good sensual vibe)
And hey we're both from Canada too. ❤️

Have fun around!

Thanks!

 

I'm glad to hear that someone can relate at least a little to my experience. It all feels like a complicated mess right now lol . But I'm sure I'll figure it out. Looks like I've found a good place to do that too. 😀

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Some people are less sexual than others. Some arent sexual at all. Doesn't much matter as long as you find what makes you happy. 

 

For me, I didn't want sex (or even masturbation) til I was 30 and met my current wife. Then I wanted it all. But only with her. No one else makes me think sexually at all. *shrug* I ID as sexual, since I am in a normalish sexual relationship with my wife, even though it took so long to find her and didn't want my last four exes at all sexually 

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well, I can guarantee for certain that you are absolutely overthinking things. but that doesn't say anything about your orientation, just says that you're human.
you are you. we have an ancestry of a vast array of sounds and marks to describe to the not-you out there who you might be, and it's in a number of different ways quite a mess.  you could say you came out of the explosion of a star, maybe more than one, but would that be useful? I think, when describing yourself, the right choice is when you find there is no choice you've made. 

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I feel like I have a lot in common with you. Before I say anything, I think the way you experience your romantic attraction is the best way. Physical looks obviously play a role, but someone's personality is what is supposed to shine through. Some people may get with someone due to their looks, but that can only last you so long if there's no connection. Finding someone that you just vibe with and love who they are at their core is what love is really about. 

 

I was also confused about where exactly I'd fall on the scale. I, like you, have never had sex. I have no desire for it though. I'm not opposed to trying once I'm in a serious relationship though. Due to that, I thought for the longest time that I didn't fall in the Asexual spectrum. I was taught on here that all being asexual means is that you don't desire sex. Whether I think I'd try sex at some point or if I'm open to liking it at some point doesn't matter. If you don't desire sex at all, you're asexual. 

 

If down the road I meet someone, end up having sex with them and love it and want more, then I'd no longer be asexual. As for now, I desire a relationship with all that comes with it, just not sex. Like you, I feel that I'd be happy with a relationship with no sex. 

 

If you have any feelings of somewhat desiring sex, then I think you'd be in the grey category. 

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