gender roles, agender, sex repulsion?

[elizabeth17]

hi so i kind of recently figured out im asexual. Im AFAB and currently use she/her pronoun. After realizing im ace that I started to question my gender identity/if things I've always been uncomfortable about have more to do with being ace or may be a gender thing. So I'm kind of sex repulsed. When other people sexualize me I find that repulsive and violating. So, at first I was like o this explains why I hate low cut shirts. crop tops, padded/real bras, sometimes my breasts (more of me hating other people looking at my chest or them being able to see it). All of this is complicated by my mother who I love very much but has been trying to get me to be into makeup since I was 13, buy me fancy nice bras (not lingerie just like not sports bras), wanting me to wear more effeminate clothes, etc. Also I've had 3 open heart surgeries so I have a big scar on my chest which is another reason I don't like wearing low cut stuff or crop tops (it's real big)

So anyway I thought that me not liking traditionally "feminine" stuff and my chest had more to do with me not liking being sexualized or presenting myself in ways that society deems as sexy. But now I'm starting to wonder if it may be something else and maybe I'm agender. I don't really feel like a woman but idk if I don't feel like society's notion of woman or what. So, to genderqueer aces how did you all figure out you were not cis humans? Does this sound more like sex repulsion or some kind of social dysphoria? 

[borderprincess]

I can't help with the figuring out gender as I'm neither genderqueer nor AFAB, but as for the sex repulsion vs gender dysphoria, it can be absolutely be both; most identities intersect and interact with each other in some way. It could be good for you to experiment and try out things with your gender, see how being agender or using new pronouns feels. Often, when not-cis people are feeling good about their gender, and are among people who see them as the gender they are, if they are sexual then they enjoy sexual stuff. If not, or if sex repulsion is still there, then you can start thinking about asexuality

[Andrea KF]

What's important is that You're feeling like Yourself, no matter about labels.

Maybe You can try out a more gender-neutral or "masculine" style and see how that feels?

I'm far from any kind of expert, but it sounds like You're repulsed at appearing "sexy" and feminine, rather than the act of having sex. So I guess that's social dysphoria rather than sex repulsion.

 

As fo me. My gender-dysphoria doesn't have much to do with the way I dress. But as of recently I try to dress more gender-neutral and it feels quite nice.

 

 

[PoeciMeta]

^Agree with the above. The two are hard to differentiate and it doesn't always make sense to do so. Cis asexuals will keep disliking sexualised body parts and sexual transpeople will keep being uncomfortable with physical intimacy. 

As for the scar, do you think it's because of its location, or you'd dislike it anywhere else? Personally, I don't find all scars ugly, those you get from surgery are tokens of what you survived - but yeah, I totally understand the dislike, discomfort, even shame, and bad memories associated with them. It's fine if you just want to keep it hidden. It's also fine if you realise you dislike your chest regardless of it (and if you come to accept it then it's great). 

My usual piece of advice for questioning people is experimenting and seeing what makes you feel like you respect yourself the most. Try on pronouns, clothes, different expressions, not too seriously - after all, exploring your gender can be enjoyable - and if you feel like one particular expression feels good, then use it (if that's safe). If certain pronouns feel more you, if doing what you do feels respectful of you as a person, then feel free to do it. Your gender should be something you actually like to be. If you don't like it, you can shed it and move on. We random internet strangers can't tell you which behaviours are specific to which gender, only tell you that whatever you do, however you dress, call yourself or feel about bodies and intimacy, your gender. is. valid. 

[elizabeth17]

18 hours ago, Andrea KF said:

 

I'm far from any kind of expert, but it sounds like You're repulsed at appearing "sexy" and feminine, rather than the act of having sex. So I guess that's social dysphoria rather than sex repulsion.

yeah it's really not sex repulsion (that's just the easiest way to describe it). While I'm asexual because I don't experience sexual attraction I'm pretty ambivalent towards having sex. I just hate being sexualized by other people. So I think I don't like feminine things that are coded "sexy." But idk if that's social dysphoria or some kind of like social sex repulsion?? I really like some feminine things and don't feel masculine. I wouldn't want to try a masculine sense of style I don't think. I also like don't know if I'm dis-identifying with feminine sexualization/gender roles or my gender identity. 

 

[elizabeth17]

18 hours ago, NoelciMeta said:

 

As for the scar, do you think it's because of its location, or you'd dislike it anywhere else? Personally, I don't find all scars ugly, those you get from surgery are tokens of what you survived - but yeah, I totally understand the dislike, discomfort, even shame, and bad memories associated with them. It's fine if you just want to keep it hidden. It's also fine if you realise you dislike your chest regardless of it (and if you come to accept it then it's great). 

 

i personally didn't mind my scar but my mom always told me to cover it up when I was growing up so I grew to dislike it. I also just hate that when it's showing people will ask "o my god what happen?" and then proceed to treat me like a small child and not let me do anything for myself. So sometimes its just easier to cover it; i don't actually care about it or find it ugly. But I don't think I like my breasts or like wearing real bras that make them look bigger if that makes sense. Idk if this is dysphoria or just hating being sexualized by other people 

[Zukarin]

On 12/21/2019 at 5:32 PM, elizabeth17 said:

 After realizing im ace that I started to question my gender identity/if things I've always been uncomfortable about have more to do with being ace or may be a gender thing. 

For me, I heard the definition of Asexual and I was like, “That’s definitely me.” After some reflection I found I was heteroromantic Asexual. After a couple years, I was reading about Intersex and it made me think about my gender. I found the term Genderflux on a forum here. I kinda dismissive of it at first. At one point, I realized I didn’t want people to perceive me as a woman, so I made a binder and, by the end of it, I noticed my feeling had started to change to a much lesser degree. That’s my story as to how I found I was Genderflux.

My main point is to how I found I wasn’t cisgender. I had this feeling of, “I wish that person didn’t see me as a woman.” I went out and someone said, “ma’am” to me and I felt I disappointed. That’s a guide to how you may be able to tell, ask yourself how you wish people to perceive you. Also, I found an article that said to ask imagine yourself in a world where you could just dress how you please, act how you please, and have whatever gender or pronouns you wanted.