My partner came out as A-sexual ~6 months ago

[iff]

Rels does have this thread on Success Stories

 

 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

13 hours ago, Sally said:

I don't understand -- did Traveler ask for your approval of their relationship?

She is posting about it on a public discussion forum, where people do make judgements and form their own opinions, and sometimes may express their opinions. These opinions may vary but for a discussion a range of opinions is necessary. 

 

She said she wanted to help people who relate. It's helped me to make my own decisions about what I would like in a relationship. 

[Traveler40]

4 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

These opinions may vary but for a discussion a range of opinions is necessary. 

So, what discussion are you attempting to have?

[Whore*of*Mensa]

21 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

So, what discussion are you attempting to have?

None. I've worked something out about myself, and it's been incredibly helpful to me. The thing that was bothering me about this is no longer bothering me. 

 

I'm sorry that I didn't write positive comments about your story as everyone else has, and thank you for your patience. 

[elizabeth17]

hi i'm an asexual person in a relationship with an allosexual person (someone who does experience sexual attraction). I knew I was asexual before our romantic relationship began which I think helped a lot. For my partner having sex with me isn't important to him. We both just want to be with each other and support each other. We also have an open relationship. He has multiple sex partners (the vast majority of them are just kind of random hookups. He's bisexual so grindr works well for just random hookups w/o expectations of any kind of relationship to develop). He also has like one person who is a friends with benefits kind of situation. He hasn't seen that person since we labeled our relationship a partnership mostly due to lack of time and also just wanting to communicate with me about it. But he will likely start hooking up with that friend. Maybe a friends with benefits situation would work well for you? I know you said dating apps seem strange and you're not that interested in hook up culture from what I understand. Just wanted to let you know that relationships between asexual and allosexual people are very possible. it just involves a lot of communication and honesty, which I think my partner and I do really well  

[MrDane]

On 12/21/2019 at 5:44 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I don't know why masturbation wasn't brought up more. Unless that's just not good enough in this case.
At least wanted to bring it up since the rest was mentioned.

To me, masturbation works like russian roulette. 

Often just ‘meeh!, wasnt really worth the effort’ . Sometimes ‘uh! Okay supplement.’ Very rarely ‘OMG! Nice!’   ...but unfortunately also often a complete, depressionlike backfire: ‘why do nobody love me enough to share sex with me!? Am I such a loser/appaling/boring...!?’

[MrDane]

On 12/24/2019 at 6:48 AM, elizabeth17 said:

hi i'm an asexual person in a relationship with an allosexual person (someone who does experience sexual attraction). I knew I was asexual before our romantic relationship began which I think helped a lot. For my partner having sex with me isn't important to him. We both just want to be with each other and support each other. We also have an open relationship. He has multiple sex partners (the vast majority of them are just kind of random hookups. He's bisexual so grindr works well for just random hookups w/o expectations of any kind of relationship to develop). He also has like one person who is a friends with benefits kind of situation. He hasn't seen that person since we labeled our relationship a partnership mostly due to lack of time and also just wanting to communicate with me about it. But he will likely start hooking up with that friend. Maybe a friends with benefits situation would work well for you? I know you said dating apps seem strange and you're not that interested in hook up culture from what I understand. Just wanted to let you know that relationships between asexual and allosexual people are very possible. it just involves a lot of communication and honesty, which I think my partner and I do really well  

I think most people are inclined towards being heterosexual, allosexual, monogamistic with a desire to form a familiy. So yes, it is possible. Difficult for most people, even while agreeing on beforementioned. “Very possible” could be a bit to positive, in my opinion.

[Sally]

On 12/23/2019 at 2:06 PM, More*of*Wenceslas said:

I'm sorry that I didn't write positive comments about your story as everyone else has, and thank you for your patience. 

That wasn't the point.  You made judgmental remarks, and the poster wasn't asking for judgment.  

[Whore*of*Mensa]

23 minutes ago, MrDane said:

I think most people are inclined towards being heterosexual, allosexual, monogamistic with a desire to form a familiy. So yes, it is possible. Difficult for most people, even while agreeing on beforementioned. “Very possible” could be a bit to positive, in my opinion.

I think there might be a generational divide about this; between people who grew up in a time where asexuality wasn’t known, and people growing up now where it is known.

 

The world has changed and that’s a lovely thing to see.

[ryn2]

6 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

I think there might be a generational divide about this; between people who grew up in a time where asexuality wasn’t known, and people growing up now where it is known.

I’m guessing most people on all sides of the equation hope this will prove true but, as the “post-known” group is largely still just reaching “relationship age,” it’s too soon to know what difference broader awareness may actually make.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

47 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’m guessing most people on all sides of the equation hope this will prove true but, as the “post-known” group is largely still just reaching “relationship age,” it’s too soon to know what difference broader awareness may actually make.

Very true...But there again the feeling of surprise or resentment at having been somehow hoodwinked or cheated of something won’t be present. People can make informed choices. 

 

Maybe a bit like the difference when people used to be married for 20 years then come out as homosexual in their 40s (seen this in my parent’s generation in fact happened with their close friends - that couple are still married but live apart, now)

[ryn2]

I’m not sure we will see that happen until asexuality is not just recognized but... I’m not sure what the right word is, but there are good places to meet local aces and an “ace culture” established.  Something that makes it easy and supported for romantic aces to meet and date other romantic aces.

[elizabeth17]

14 hours ago, MrDane said:

I think most people are inclined towards being heterosexual, allosexual, monogamistic with a desire to form a familiy. So yes, it is possible. Difficult for most people, even while agreeing on beforementioned. “Very possible” could be a bit to positive, in my opinion.

ah yes I must admit I forgot people were straight lol. all my friends are queer so yeah the whole cishet monogamous biological children thing doesn't really come up haha

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 12/25/2019 at 8:31 AM, Sally said:

That wasn't the point.  You made judgmental remarks, and the poster wasn't asking for judgment.  

 Were you ever a school teacher by any chance?

[SusannaC]

@More*of*Wenceslas,

I look at @Traveler40’s situation differently.  I guess because I am looking at her story as a sexual woman.  ???? She is objective & matter of fact in her analysis and description of her husband.  There doesnt seem to be a romantic connection between them, and she does not speak about him in that fashion. Please keep in mind that there has not been a sexually intimate relationship for years and for many sexuals- there is no romance without sexual connection.  
It is unfair to assume there is NO love between them as they have a longstanding relationship and work together to raise their children as a family.   It is also possible to love someone and still recognize their faults.  

[Whore*of*Mensa]

5 hours ago, SusannaC said:

@More*of*Wenceslas,

I look at @Traveler40’s situation differently.  I guess because I am looking at her story as a sexual woman.  ???? She is objective & matter of fact in her analysis and description of her husband.  There doesnt seem to be a romantic connection between them, and she does not speak about him in that fashion. Please keep in mind that there has not been a sexually intimate relationship for years and for many sexuals- there is no romance without sexual connection.  
It is unfair to assume there is NO love between them as they have a longstanding relationship and work together to raise their children as a family.   It is also possible to love someone and still recognize their faults.  

I think you are right - there are two different stories in there. 

 

5 hours ago, SusannaC said:

It is unfair to assume there is NO love between them

I guess you could assume either way. Yes. maybe assumptions are made based on what is there, what is written down - there are no other clues. 

We all have back stories. If we're talking about judgement - well, try being pregnant and homeless, bringing a child into poverty. (I know how Traveler would judge me because she's expressed her opinions on single mothers like me on a different thread).

 

Sometimes we struggle to understand other people's stories because we're just so different. And that's OK. I've let go of this one now. I've got my own story to think about. 

[anisotrophic]

34 minutes ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

behind that, there's a husband who enables this to happen, providing a stable home for the children while the wife finds love outside

By traveler’s account, he was avoidant and fairly unsympathetic to the impact this had on her.

 

I do appreciate that it’s hard to know, and feel some sympathy for her husband — the classic issues with “do we believe the letter writer” in advice columns — but my sense is that traveler reached her limit: tried to endure for many years, that was something he played a role in. Her move to find a lover was *far* from spontaneous. And she had to do it for herself. When people aren’t considerate/caring of their impact on a partner & that person has to “stand up for themselves”, I think that’s a general situation most of us can sympathize with.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

2 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

When people aren’t considerate/caring of their impact on a partner & that person has to “stand up for themselves”, I think that’s a general situation most of us can sympathize with.

 

As I said, I've let this one go - we're all different, we don't all follow the same path and advice that works for one person may not work for another. I can sympathise yet still not relate on any personal level. I'm not prepared to argue/discuss any more so I really hope people stop quoting me and just leave me out of this.

 

I just do not care about it enough to be drawn into a long boring discussion. I've found a much more interesting take on poly than this one. 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

I do think it was very noticeable how my attempt to look at the story from the point of view of the asexual just led to a very forceful reiteration of the sexual point of view. Very difficult to move the focus away from the sexual on here - it doesn’t point to any attempt at mutual understanding.

 

That’s what has made me lose interest in this one sided discussion. 

 

@anisotrophic I respect your opinions, but the fact that the husband wronged the wife in the first place doesn’t sound reassuring. Does that mean he deserves to be badly treated? Is there an element of revenge there? Is that healthy??

 

 

[ryn2]

6 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

Very difficult to move the focus away from the sexual on here - it doesn’t point to any attempt at mutual understanding.

Since this is the section of the forums aimed at support-seeking sexuals with ace partners, friends, etc., you will see much more support of/for the sexual perspective here than you will in some of the other sections.  E.g., the ace perspective tends to prevail in Asexual Relationships.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

I do think it was very noticeable how my attempt to look at the story from the point of view of the asexual just led to a very forceful reiteration of the sexual point of view. Very difficult to move the focus away from the sexual on here - it doesn’t point to any attempt at mutual understanding.

 

That’s what has made me lose interest in this one sided discussion. 

 

@anisotrophic I respect your opinions, but the fact that the husband wronged the wife in the first place doesn’t sound reassuring. Does that mean he deserves to be badly treated? Is there an element of revenge there? Is that healthy??

 

 

I dont think anyone has said anything about treating someone badly. But, if over like 18 years there is an issue and it doesn't get mutually resolved... I think it's fair for someone to say "I intend to resolve this for myself since we have been unsuccessful. This is what I am doing" and go for it. If the other person doesnt like it then they are free to leave. You cant live in misery for a relationship, on either side. Kids or no. 

 

The only way I would feel it would be treating the person badly is if you didn't do it with open intentions and clear communication. I dont agree with going behind someone's back for anything. But if you're going to open up a relationship and declare it well before doing anything then..  its then on your partner to take it or leave it. 

 

I dated a poly guy and he made his intentions towards a girl at our college very clear. I left it, because it was not a fit for me. If my wife does similar again... I'm not sticking around. But that's me. Some people are more open to poly than others. 

 

From what traveler says about her husband, it sounds like he may be ace and aro to begin with. If so, maybe a QPR meets his relationship needs  ? We cant really know. We have never talked to him. 

 

The ace is free to say no sex ever again. The sexual is free to say OK, but I need it from somewhere so I intend to be open. Both are free to walk away if that doesnt work for them. Both are free to stay if they prefer to try. 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Although it seems OK when some people comment on Traveler's relationship and not when others do.. You seem to have liked some comments analysing the situation...So you approve of some discussion, as long as it's in line with your views. 

 

As I've repeatedly said I made one initial comment and despite being repeatedly quoted and asked for my opinion have expressed as little as possible, although at times what is said is so illogical I feel the need to correct the logic in general and not personal terms. 

 

I have no interest in Traveler's relationship and can't be bothered to quote myself again - but these are people I do not know and do not very well understand, I feel that this would be mutual, and I honestly feel it's OK to differ and part ways and wish each other happiness. 

 

I understand my initial comment caused much offence, many people have told me off and others have posted really reasonable and balanced comments. I hope that everyone can reach a state of peace and harmony eventually but those observers who are just trying to stir things...Hmm...

[Whore*of*Mensa]

Sorry you’re confused. I think if you don’t understand me, you don’t understand me, what more can be said?

 

As they say in my locale, I can get you a wooden spoon if you would like to keep stirring the pot?

[iff]

please let's go back onto the topic. I don't think this is helpful to the opening poster. 

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies 

[Skvnk]

This forum kind of slipped my mind for a few weeks;

What a dumpster fire of seething tangents and classic internet drama I've come back to.

It was all oddly informative, and truly a spectacle to read.

That being said - myself and my partner as well, thankfully; never want children. So that will never be a factor we need worry about.

Sex would be nice; and I'm not opposed to finding it elsewhere as my partner has suggested. I'm just a little adverse to meaningless hookups. Frustration exists but the love I bear for my girlfriend seems hardly worth throwing away because we no longer have sex. I certainly dont feel "hoodwinked" out of the relationship I thought I was entering into. People grow, change and identify new aspects of themselves. It is meaningful to me to have been able to foster a safe enough relationship where she could express this facet of her identity.

I'm still not entirely certain what I expected with the initial post; but have come to realize that my relationship sounds immeasurably healthier than many I've heard described and slandered in this post.

I am if anything, ever more thankful for my relationship.

Thank you for your responses.

[SusannaC]

I don’t know who has “ slandered” their relationship here but think that is a very unfortunate impression you have.   I certainly don’t think I have; I love my husband but must respect his wishes/ need for an asexual marriage.   Certainly not easy for an innately sexual and romantic person like myself.     I think we all have different situations and I’m glad you are satisfied and happy with your relationship.   Those here who are not so much at peace haven’t CHOSEN to feel this way though and I don’t believe want to be unhealthy.  The  stories here  are not, IMHO, “internet drama” but REAL situations with REAL people, who wish to share, talk about and understand personal relationship challenges and pain. 

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

I don’t know who has “ slandered” their relationship here but think that is a very unfortunate impression you have.   I certainly don’t think I have; I love my husband but must respect his wishes/ need for an asexual marriage.   Certainly not easy for an innately sexual and romantic person like myself.     I think we all have different situations and I’m glad you are satisfied and happy with your relationship.   Those here who are not so much at peace haven’t CHOSEN to feel this way though and I don’t believe want to be unhealthy.  The  stories here  are not, IMHO, “internet drama” but REAL situations with REAL people, who wish to share, talk about and understand personal relationship challenges and pain. 

Think they were referring to mensa having a go about traveler in here over the poly thing. Not just general posts from people. 

[SusannaC]

Calling this relationship ‘slander’ is a bit harsh in my opinion.  Nor is her relationship necessarily unhealthy.  I have found Travelers and many others stories very helpful as I navigate my own.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

1 minute ago, Serran said:

Think they were referring to mensa having a go about traveler in here over the poly thing. Not just general posts from people. 

Yes, I got that too. I feel I may have got that point, and I don't think that the 'having a go' was entirely one sided. I can't and won't defend myself on this because it would mean discussing Traveler's relationship more which I will never do, nor will I read any more about it. I think what the OP said was very refreshing and totally acknowledge my own part in the 'dumpster fire'.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

25 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

Calling this relationship ‘slander’ is a bit harsh in my opinion.  Nor is her relationship necessarily unhealthy.  I have found Travelers and many others stories very helpful as I navigate my own.

Slander - 'the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.'

 

I don't think that I did do this, however I had no right to discuss Traveler's relationship and will not do so again. Some people actively seek differing opinions and advice on their relationships - some seek affirmation only.