questioning if I might be gray ace?

[Questioning_grace]

Hi everyone,

 

So I have always identified as allosexual, but I guess sex has always just been like, less important to me than it seems to be to other allo people? But I've just never really given it much thought before.

 

So I definitely experience sexual attraction, like I can absolutely look at someone and be like yeah they're hot I would totally be down to have sex with them. And I've been looking through other stuff where people talk about gray ace people experience attraction, but very infrequently. But that's not quite what's going on with me, I think I experience sexual attraction with typical allo frequency, it's just that I just don't really care whether I have sex or not.

 

I've actually only had sex once in my life, and I was very attracted to the person, and I was certainly very aroused while we having sex. And like I said, it's not infrequency of attraction that's the cause, that's just a combination of other factors. But I just don't really care that I haven't had much sex. And there is definitely a disconnect there between how much I care about sexual stuff and how much I care about romantic stuff, like I've been single for awhile now, and I'd REALLY like to get a girlfriend. And how I said I can look at someone and feel sexual attraction, it's there but it's also definitely vastly overshadowed by the feelings of romantic attraction, like I *can* look at someone and think I'd like to have sex with them, but the much more prominent thought in the reaction is like wow I really want to date them and do cute romantic stuff together and hold hands and what not.

 

And like, if I started dating someone and they didn't want to have sex at all, I'd be fine with that. If they wanted to have lots of sex I'd be down for that too, but if not, like I wouldn't be disappointed or enjoy the relationship any less. Or even if like, someone was able to look into the future and tell me I'll never have sex again in my life, I'd probably be like eh whatever no big deal. And I feel like that just doesn't seem like something other allosexual people would say.

 

And it's not a strength of attraction/libido related thing. I'm a transgender woman, I definitely used to have high libido, and once I started taking testosterone blockers and hormones it really mellowed out and got a lot lower. But my sex apathy was just as present when I had a higher libido than I do now.

 

Another thing I'm wondering about relates to demisexuality. Again, I know I don't fit into this in the traditional way, I can, and most often do, feel sexual attraction without needing to form an emotional connection. But I've also had times where after forming an emotional connection I start to feel attracted to someone who my feelings for were before 100% extremely platonic. And I don't mean like, getting know someone better and discovering attraction, I mean like, I met this person, felt zero sexual or romantic attraction, and became extremely good friends with her, knew her extremely well already, and had a very strong, completely platonic, zero attraction friendship with her for *many years*. But then eventually I started to feel attracted to her, like out of nowhere.

 

I know the like friends to lovers trope is a thing in media, which you could say is evidence that yeah this is thing that happens for allo people, but I feel like it's usually something where they didn't know each other super well and felt attraction after getting to know better, or like it's a stupid male fantasy about getting out of the friend zone, or like they both are like I've always loved you but was afraid to say it, or things like that. But is it normal for an allowsexual person to develop feelings in a years long completely platonic relationship? And if not, what would this be, since normally demisexuality is *only* feeling attraction after emotional connection, and in this case I usually don't need an emotional connection first, but *occasionally* the attraction only develops (looong) after developing the emotional connection?

 

So I don't know, am I an allosexual person who just cares less about sex and randomly falls for good friends sometimes, or does this sound like it could be some sort of gray-spec or a-spec thing?

[NickyTannock]

I've moved this thread from "Questions about Asexuality" to "The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions".
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[Questioning_grace]

Sorry for wrong forum posting! Still learning my way around 😳

[NickyTannock]

2 minutes ago, Questioning_grace said:

Sorry for wrong forum posting! Still learning my way around 😳

That's okay, the forum has a lot of sections.

I hope you get an answer to your question.

 

And welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

[Questioning_grace]

2 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

That's okay, the forum has a lot of sections.

I hope you get an answer to your question.

 

And welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's my favourite cake,

http://chocolateartcake.blogspot.com/

Thanks!!! This is the second cake I've gotten, you all are making me really hungry haha!

[rainbowocollie]

Imo gray-asexuality for the most part (demisexuality is an exception) means that you can't function like a normal allosexual person in a relationship. (They may be totally sex repulsed, see sex as more of a chore than anything, or be indifferent to it and simply have no innate desire for it. In spite of feeling limited attraction at times.)

 

What you're describing sounds like low libido allo to me (which can feel similar to being asexual), but in the end it's you who has to decide what you are. And it's okay if that takes a while to figure it out, it's complicated and there's a lot to sort through in the questioning process. You're welcome here no matter what you end up being!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Questioning_grace

My first impression after reading all that is that you're not that abnormal Women can crave sex but typically it's still less frequent than in men. I think you just happen to be part of the ones that don't crave it, but have relatively normal sexual desire besides that. It might seem strange because you were on testosterone before? I'm a transwoman too on hormones for a few months, and I can attest to not craving sex either now, though in your case you say it was the case before too, but maybe there's still something there.  The difference with me  being though that I am demi-sexual and don't really get sexual attraction without a few things first. Like you I don't 'need' sex either, and my main focus is affection, love, but still sensuality because I like to touch a lot :D.

I feel like I should check back what you said and see if there's anything I missed.
 

1 hour ago, Questioning_grace said:

So I definitely experience sexual attraction, like I can absolutely look at someone and be like yeah they're hot I would totally be down to have sex with them. And I've been looking through other stuff where people talk about gray ace people experience attraction, but very infrequently. But that's not quite what's going on with me, I think I experience sexual attraction with typical allo frequency, it's just that I just don't really care whether I have sex or not.

Yeah it's definitely not the 'most' typical, because usually sexual attraction will lead to desiring the sex. It's easy to crave it because of that. You're a little less sexual than the majority. I don't know where that would place you, honestly, if you can function normally sexually. You have the best of both worlds, you could be with someone asexual or someone sexual.

 

1 hour ago, Questioning_grace said:

I've actually only had sex once in my life, and I was very attracted to the person, and I was certainly very aroused while we having sex. And like I said, it's not infrequency of attraction that's the cause, that's just a combination of other factors. But I just don't really care that I haven't had much sex. And there is definitely a disconnect there between how much I care about sexual stuff and how much I care about romantic stuff, like I've been single for awhile now, and I'd REALLY like to get a girlfriend. And how I said I can look at someone and feel sexual attraction, it's there but it's also definitely vastly overshadowed by the feelings of romantic attraction, like I *can* look at someone and think I'd like to have sex with them, but the much more prominent thought in the reaction is like wow I really want to date them and do cute romantic stuff together and hold hands and what not.

I think that's normal. And like look at shows and you often see the woman being into it for the love and affection, while the guy wants the sex. That's obviously a generalization, but it makes sense, and it's also what I've experienced going on hormones. You say you were like that before too, but it's possible you noticed it more as well, because of changing. Either way it allows you to see the separation between romantic and sexual feelings, which a lot of people in the general population conflate together. But I think a good deal of people can be more romantic than sexual.
 

1 hour ago, Questioning_grace said:

Another thing I'm wondering about relates to demisexuality. Again, I know I don't fit into this in the traditional way, I can, and most often do, feel sexual attraction without needing to form an emotional connection. But I've also had times where after forming an emotional connection I start to feel attracted to someone who my feelings for were before 100% extremely platonic. And I don't mean like, getting know someone better and discovering attraction, I mean like, I met this person, felt zero sexual or romantic attraction, and became extremely good friends with her, knew her extremely well already, and had a very strong, completely platonic, zero attraction friendship with her for *many years*. But then eventually I started to feel attracted to her, like out of nowhere.

I don't know, this sounds normal to me too, but especially for women. I really don't like generalizing but it does happen more like that from what I've seen, where a girl or woman has no feelings for someone but after a while they develop some and it changes how they feel about them. And of course men can feel like that too, I've just seen it less.
Feelings definitely can develop without there having to be attraction before it happens, and getting to know someone or getting closer to them can definitely be a way it can happen. If it includes sexual feelings, it does feel a little demi-ish, but maybe not that odd.

Is it possible you've been comparing yourself to certain types of people? (maybe more guys) You're definitely less sexual than the majority, but I think you'd fall in the normal range, imo. Which is totally fine. I think it's better to have that type of flexibility, it lets you have a bigger range of who you can be with. Something to embrace Even if you don't necessarily fall in the asexual spectrum. Though that itself depends on how far the spectrum extends, which honestly I have no clue about

It's a good thing we have all sorts of people on this site, and you'll maybe learn quite a bit from both sides, which could be interesting. Well in any case, I'll end my post here. It's longer than I thought but oh well