Do you have any traumatic memories in your childhood?

[Mizuho]

I have traumatic memories in my childhood. I didn't have good relationship with my parents, and I have never felt I had been loved by them.

I'm feeling it is related to my personality including asexuality.

I don't hate my asexuality, but my bad memories have affected my relationship with other people until today.

I have just started taking a therapy to cope with it. I was diagnosed as complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

Some of my LGBTs friends have experienced similar things as me. For example, divorce or abuse by their parents.

Do you think your asexuality is related to your memories in your childhood?

If you think so, how are you coping with these problems now?

Edited December 20, 2019 by Mizuho

[Rynn]

For me personally, no.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist and I hope it helps 

[Mizuho]

2 minutes ago, Laurann said:

For me personally, no.

It's good that you're seeing a therapist and I hope it helps 

Thank you for your kindness!

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I have much childhood trauma that has left lasting scars, but did it cause my asexuality? No. Plenty of people experience childhood trauma but they aren't ace.

 

I have dealt with my trauma mostly on my own; been promised help time after time but it never materialised. Most therapists just want to 'move on', without talking about it. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, but it clearly doesn't work for me.

[Darkrose]

I....hadn't considered if my traumas have had an effect on my being ace, but now that I think about it - I can definitely see the possibility.

My traumas have made me "fundamentally defective and undesirable, even potentially disgusting", according to the inner critic that lives in my head. I can certainly understand that changing how I would feel about relating to other people in more intimate ways....

 

As for coping with it, I have a wonderful therapist that I have been seeing for over three years now. We use CBT and Schema Therapy mostly, but she will use any tool in her arsenal to help me understand and deal with something.

[Mizuho]

29 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I have much childhood trauma that has left lasting scars, but did it cause my asexuality? No. Plenty of people experience childhood trauma but they aren't ace.

 

I have dealt with my trauma mostly on my own; been promised help time after time but it never materialised. Most therapists just want to 'move on', without talking about it. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, but it clearly doesn't work for me.

Thank you for your comment. Even though traumatic experience is not related to Ace, it's a pity that it has affected our lives even now.

[Mizuho]

23 minutes ago, Darkrose said:

I....hadn't considered if my traumas have had an effect on my being ace, but now that I think about it - I can definitely see the possibility.

My traumas have made me "fundamentally defective and undesirable, even potentially disgusting", according to the inner critic that lives in my head. I can certainly understand that changing how I would feel about relating to other people in more intimate ways....

 

As for coping with it, I have a wonderful therapist that I have been seeing for over three years now. We use CBT and Schema Therapy mostly, but she will use any tool in her arsenal to help me understand and deal with something.

Thank you for sharing your idea. One of my friend told me that people who are suffered from disorder tend to have more questions about majority's idea.

The same thing may happen here.

 

Now, my therapist is trying EMDR. It has just started, so I cannot see its effect yet.

[Guest]

Sadly, I do. And I'm sorry to hear that you do as well.  

 

A person's bad memories can definitely affect your relationships with other people. I'm happy to hear that you've started therapy. I, too, have CPTSD. I went into therapy to help me deal with everything, and it really helped. I was supposed to go in for EMDR, but unfortunately it fell through just as I was starting it. Other forms of therapy did help me, though.

 

As to whether or not my childhood memories caused my sexual orientation, I'm not so sure about that... 

 

Getting therapy as an adult really helped (I tried to get help when I was in my teens and still living with my parents, but that didn't work very well...). 

 

Good luck with everything. I hope that your therapy and EMDR go well.  

[Lord Jade Cross]

1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

 

I have dealt with my trauma mostly on my own; been promised help time after time but it never materialised. Most therapists just want to 'move on', without talking about it. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be, but it clearly doesn't work for me.

Ive had the same experience as this, which is why I stopped going to therapists.

 

If I pay you to offer insightful perspective on how to deal with my problems and youre response is "let me refer you to a known colleage" and said colleage just wants to push a pill down and charge you right off the bat, thats not what I call helping. Heck it just screams as "dont have time to deal with this" even though thats what youre getting paid for.

 

As for asexuality, I dont think childhood traumas caused it, if anything, I have questioned everything since I was a child because alot of things just didnt add up or make sense; and the older I get, the more convinced I become that people make up/follow shit blindly and dont want anyone deviating from the norm.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Mizuho said:

Do you think your asexuality is related to your memories in your childhood?

 

I think they contribute in my case. I have a slew of diagnosis' on me of which PTSD, BPD, AvPD is present. (which could be C-PTSD for all that matters though. It's sadly no official diagnosis here yet) 

 

4 hours ago, Mizuho said:

If you think so, how are you coping with these problems now?

Not so well, I'm seeing a therapist every week which we talk a lot through about what is happening currently, and to give some relief and understanding to how I'm feeling. I'm also getting help at home, which is more talking, and doing things.

[Philip027]

I have some traumas, but they're unrelated to asexuality.

[LaReine]

I have plenty of childhood trauma and that affects my relationships to other people a lot as well. I have been in therapy a couple of year ago but I still have a hard time coping with all that's going on in my head. But I don't blame this trauma for my asexuality. 

[Guest]

Yes, for all the times I spent in church I wanted to tear a fingernail off. 

[Grimalkin]

I've actually had a quite idyllic (if unconventional) childhood. I'm still very friendly with my parents. I don't think my asexuality stems from my childhood in any way.

[Guest]

I have C-PTSD and most likely AvPD but I don't believe those are the reason I am aromantic or asexual, because people can be either one or both of those and not have any traumas. I am actually thankful for my orientation, it saves me from being in even more shitty situations.

[NickyTannock]

I do have traumatic memories from my childhood that I wondered if they caused my lack of sexual attraction, but I don't believe so. I think I would always have been Asexual.

[All the little Lights]

4 hours ago, Darkrose said:

I....hadn't considered if my traumas have had an effect on my being ace, but now that I think about it - I can definitely see the possibility.

My traumas have made me "fundamentally defective and undesirable, even potentially disgusting", according to the inner critic that lives in my head. I can certainly understand that changing how I would feel about relating to other people in more intimate ways....

 

As for coping with it, I have a wonderful therapist that I have been seeing for over three years now. We use CBT and Schema Therapy mostly, but she will use any tool in her arsenal to help me understand and deal with something.

Oh thanks for writing that! This seems similar to what I am feeling.

I never thought someone could love me anyway. And I still don't believe people who tell me they do (at least not in my heart). And I often thought what you, Darkrose, describe. 

And I do feel sexual/romantic attraction, but then it gets complicated (for me, I only once told someone I might be attracted to them, but I usually find it complicated on my own). The fact that this is so complicated for me, might very well have to do something with those "no one likes me anyway"-feelings. (Which are not limited to sexual/romantic love, also from friends, family,...)

And thank you for opening the topic, Mizuho!

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Darkrose said:

My traumas have made me "fundamentally defective and undesirable, even potentially disgusting"

I never dealt with any sexual abuse but I can tell you that the victim is not the one who is disgusting.

[kiaroskuro]

For the longest time I saw my asexuality as a 'natural state', I took it as a given. Then again, I also used to take my depression and emotional numbness as a given. I always suspected that my mental health issues and childhood trauma are directly related to my general lack of interest in people. And the more I deal with my issues and emotions, and learn about the reasons why I'm screwed up as a person, the more I realise that my suspicions are correct. I don't believe that the "healthy me" is actually ace.

 

I'm also planning to try out EDMR. I hope it will help you eventually, @Mizuho!

[abandoned-account]

Traumatic and upsetting memories are pretty much all I associate my childhood with tbh. That being said I know there are plenty others that have had it far worse than me...

 

I’m just thankful everyday that I survived to live a better adulthood.

[DazzlingGirl16]

I was bullied since preschool because I was autistic and I was friendless. 

[Janus the Fox]

I have childhood sexual medical abuse at age 4, if that contributes to Asexuality maybe not.  At age 4 it is a major developmental milestone in terms of a child’s body exploration, missing all other physical/mental/social sexual milestones with a 5 years late puberty is perhaps one clue of an asexual development.  Being autistic can contribute to these sexual milestones being missed in my case, a late onset transsexualism, the mismatch of being the wrong gender could have some contribution of sexual milestones being missed for me.  Despite the one major trauma, life has been quiet despite the arms length of physical/mental illnesses/disabilities later in life.  Literally quiet on the sex front and all that.

[Gnomeish]

This is my first post here so it is going to be a bit long probably.

 

Nature and nurture maybe? My grandma probably never would have been in a relationship and had kids because she was molested by her father, but it was just what you did back then. Although she had my mom at 25 and the dad was abusive and left and my grandmother has never been in another relationship... I know my uncle likes women but he has never had a gf from what I remember.... he sticks mostly to his Sims games ladies. But he was also potentially molested by the same guy, something I saw in one of my grandma's journals but just can't ask about. 

 

My mom was one of those people who had to be in a relationship, but would only take emotional abuse on her own end because of her need to be with someone. Minus the guy she married when I was five. He had a shitty upbringing but I went through a lot of mental and emotional abuse from him at age 5, though my mom didn't let him do physical punishments like belts. Like I can't stand powdered pepper or the smell of patchouli because I used to get pepper in my nose as punishment, I have a fear of falling down stairs and heights from being made to sit in a chair at the top of the stairs and not allowed to sleep once, basements because I was punished by being made to sleep in front of the basement door once. Mostly there was the corner punishment, where my stepsister would wail and get out in 5 minutes, but it was nbd to me and I had punishment extended for scratching my nose, moving, breathing too much. Worst it got was having to kneel on the floor and hold level water bottles for like an hour, but all this happened when my mom was at work and she put a stop to it, but still stayed with him. I don't really remember weird punishments after age 5 because I was very quiet and didn't get in trouble. She left him when I was 12.

 

I have trouble showing affection, I will brother punch a shoulder or mock karate chop the air to keep a hugger away, and if strangers touch me, like older lady customers at work sometimes just touch my shoulder or give it a pat and I am then just on edge all day after like get away everyone NOW.

 

Like, am I ace or am I just so emotionally withdrawn/socially repressed that I kind of just fell in here?  I wanted to hold the hand of a crush and thought legs or knees accidentally touching and staying there were how you indicated you liked someone in high school (FYI never happened) but was I already turned off by my mom's neediness and childhood stuff or would I be like this anyways?

 

I think it's always good to think and talk about these things but having reliable people to talk to can be difficult. I went and had some behavioral therapy for my anxiety which changed my life but talking about this stuff is so so so uncomfortable because there is just no easy time tested solution. Behavioral therapy I got right away, it explained many troubles I had and why I thought the way I did, and had logical steps and a logical solution I applied to my life. 

 

Making friends and how to keep them? What is the maximum capacity of a friendship? Do I just have to like people when they are there and let them out of my emotional bubble when they leave? Cutting off the feeling and waiting until time takes away the sadness and hoping someone else comes around seems to be what my life will be like. But I think it depends a lot on what your socialization level is. I can work for about 30hr max a week and then all humans need to politely fuck off, so my socialization is all work and then cat related.

 

I have never had a relationship, kissed someone, or (barf) engaged in the other stuff. I want to hug and cuddle and touch knees and hold hands but the fear and anxiety, probably some nature and other negative nurture, make asking for it or even in any way hinting at the need excruciating to express.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Gnomeish

[Artila]

I definitely had traumatic experiences in my childhood (nonsexual tho) and I kind of think that my asexuality could be linked to the fact that I never had many social contacts and was actively avoiding people especially at age 14 where it should have evolved.

 

Naturally I distrust people and I don't love myself enough yet to even think about being in a relationship.

 

Having Aspergers doesn't help much it only means I am out of touch with my body anyway.

Also the way I was educated about sex (by my bullies who suddenly threw porn vocab at me and made fun of me for being so innocent) probably also added to it because I was exposed to the super nasty dirty sides of sexual intercourse before I learnt what sex is.

 

 

I cope with my stuff by myself since I have no PTSD or at least I am not disabled in my daily functions by after effects of what happened.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Artila

[RoBoZaKi]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Aspergers. I never knew what those two things were or if they correlated with me as a kid. It took a lot of breaking down my memories in therapy appointments. 

 

I had been molested at the age of 10 and it continued for 10 more years. It was hell. I've tried to end myself before and it had come to affect me as time went on. It didn't help that I was kept inside most of my life, where the abuse was happening, only going out for school. It's very tough to know the line between autism and ptsd. Whether you are reacting because you generally don't understand and panic (Aspergers) or your drumming heart reacting to a trigger (PTSD). I'm getting the help I need but I highly recommend using the resources out there that are convenient, such as:

 

Suicide Prevention  1-800 273-8255

National Sexual Assault Hotline 800.656.4673

AFSP Call 1-800-273-TALK or text TALK to 741741

[Everblue22]

Personally, no, I haven’t experienced any childhood trauma, but my heart goes out to those who have 💚🤍🖤