Asexual/porn issue - Don't know what to think

[Jrae01]

After years of a sexless marriage, I (40f) found out about 6 mos ago that my husband (48) of 15 years is asexual.  We tried everything in those years (hormone therapy, cialis, counseling) and nothing worked.  

 

I had always wondered if he was looking at porn and masturbating and that maybe this was causing his disinterest in me. When we were dating, I found a duffle bag full of porn hidden in his closet (i was not snooping, just stumbled upon it) as well as porn all over his computer. I normally wouldn't care but he was showing no interest in me at the time so it bothered me. I let him know and he appeared to stop doing it but still no interest in me. I still married him because he would give in a few times/mo while dating. After marriage, it dropped to 3x/yr.  Over the 15 years we've been married, I have occasionally checked the computer history and never found anything... Still no interest in me.  This whole time he swore he wasn't looking at porn or masturbating. He said he had no desire, no libido, no energy for it.

 

Six months ago, I finally decided to try to dig deeper. I'm not proud of this but I put a spy app on his phone and immediately caught him looking at porn as soon as he was away from me. I saw him do it each day for the first 3 days it was on there until I said something.  He apparently had been using incognito mode. I had to pry it out of him but he eventually admitted to doing it the whole time we've been married. He said he didn't do it often, maybe a few times a week at times but then would go months before looking again. Fyi- for the first 10 yrs, sex was 3-4 x/ yr and the only 3 x total over the last 5 yrs.

 

Around this time, I was researching asexuality as I thought this might explain his lack of desire. At first he said this wasn't him. Anyway, after getting caught with porn, he now claims he is asexual. He said he only gets off on seeing other people have pleasure but doesn't want to be involved.  I just don't know what to think. 

 

Since then he's been saying sex is off the table. Now he's saying he may be able to try every 2 mos but can't promise anything as he really doesn't want to do it so not sure if he even can. 

 

I don't know what to do. If he doesn't want to do it and "dreads" it like he claims, then how could I ever let him compromise and do it anyway? I'm not sure I could even enjoy that myself.  Also, I don't know what to believe. I wonder if this claim of asexuality is a cop out.. He only said this after being caught with porn.

 

Do any of you have experience with this? Any insight/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

 

[Philip027]

You both seem to have issues with honesty and trust that are severe enough that it makes me feel like sex (or lack thereof) really shouldn't be at the forefront of your relationship concerns atm

[Guest]

I have experience with both... sex with no desire for it and a relationship where the partner is lacking desire because of porn. And feeling rejected for models hurts like crazy, I know. Sorry you're going through it. 

 

If it was porn addiction, he would be looking at it a lot (daily, for hours) and hiding it is normal since addicts dont like to admit addiction. He also would lose pretty much all desire for real women. So... did he ever desire sex in his past ? How frequent is his use? Did he ever stop? Porn addicts tend to regain desire for people if they quit it.

 

Asexuals use porn to simply relieve libido. And want nothing to do with partnered. But they dont lose a desire and they dont use it excessively to the point its changing their lives (unless also porn addicts). 

[LeChat]

Others gave good advice, so I just wanted to express my sympathies for what you're going through; it's not nice when a partner lies about something like that for a long time.

[hotsamalama]

I used to be in a somewhat similar situation.

I used to have a best friend who was dating someone at the time we were friends. He used to always be touchy with her, was always with her, everything. Once he started to lose interest in her (and gain interest in me), he stopped being so touchy with her. It got to the point where he wouldn't kiss her anymore. I was openly ace when he and I were friends, and he knew. He said my asexuality "rubbed off on him" and blamed me for it, it didn't help that he was emotionally cheating on her with me and then managing to convince me it was platonic. He was a fucked up manipulator and my rose colored glasses were HELLA thick to the point where the red flags didn't even look like flags to me. Once they broke up a while after and he got a new girlfriend, he started being REALLY sexual with her, as in THEY WILL NOT STOP MAKING OUT ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE. I'm not friends with him anymore and I despise him more than anything in the world. 

I don't really have advice, I can just relate a bit to having asexuality used as a cover. 

[Jrae01]

Thanks to all who have responded so far.  It was a lengthy post so I appreciate you taking the time.  

 

To answer a few questions...

I really wish I wouldn't have told him about the spy app after only watching him for 3 days because now I'll never know how much he was actually doing it.  I've been paying closer attention and I haven't caught him doing it in the last 6 mos.. Well, only once. 

 

He said he has never had any sexual desire for anyone ever. Also, there were a few times when I actually thought he was enjoying himself during sex but he is now telling me it was all an act. He said he has never wanted it. I just feel so betrayed. 

 

I'm having a really difficult time with this.  If he is truly asexual and can't help it, I feel I should just try to be okay with the lack of sex because I love him. However, if he's just taking carw of his own needs with porn and to hell with me, then I want to gtfo. 

[SithLord]

1 hour ago, Jrae01 said:

He said he only gets off on seeing other people have pleasure but doesn't want to be involved.

That's kind of like me. Other asexuals also fit the bill. There's a term for this but I can't remember it at the moment. 

So it's possible that this is just an excuse, but it's also possible that it's not. Some asexuals use pornographic material to relieve libido. I consume a decent amount of things rated X and it has nothing to do with wanting sex with my boyfriend. As soon as anything is directed at me, I used to freeze up and kind of just want to escape. It's not like that now, but I still don't want to have sex with my boyfriend.

 

1 hour ago, Jrae01 said:

If he doesn't want to do it and "dreads" it like he claims, then how could I ever let him compromise and do it anyway? I'm not sure I could even enjoy that myself.

That is the great challenge of mixed relationships. Can the asexual have sex enough to satisfy their partner (even if it's not please or fully satisfy, but enough to be satisfactory)? Can the sexual deal with very little sex to not overwhelm their partner? Can the sexual be happy with sex if their partner doesn't desire them? 

It's a big mess of problems when asexuals and sexuals come together. Unfortunately, it depends on you and your partner. It seems like you're against a sexless relationship which is perfectly fine because you didn't ask to be sexual anymore than he asked to be asexual. But it requires a lot of talking about if he'd rather lose you or lose sex. Or if an open or poly relationship would work. 

 

Not all mixed relationships work out through no fault of anyone. Some people just aren't compatible. 

[Grimalkin]

He may be asexual. He also, apparently, has a porn addiction, potentially one so bad that he felt the need to lie up and down to your face that it didn't exist. The two are not mutually exclusive. 

 

I don't think the asexual thing is the thing you need to worry about, here. Your husband has been lying to you for 15 years. As an asexual person, I know how hard it is to come out to a partner, but it's majorly unfair to keep it under wraps and make excuses if you know for sure. Doubly so when it's both about your sexuality and about hoarding massive amounts of pornography and lying about it. 

 

Regardless of all the lies, at this point, your husband never plans to have sex with you again. Are you okay with that? Is that part of the future you've always imagined?

[anisotrophic]

He lied to you for an enormously long period of time.
 

You confessed what you did after three days. After years of trust and confusion and accepting his rejecting in good faith.
 

I think this is an enormous difference.
 

Frankly, trust has been shattered. I don't think you can believe anything he says, and you should be thinking about how to separate.
 

Personally I couldn't stand being in a relationship with someone that was rejecting me while using porn. People survived fine without porn for most of the history of humanity, if they really don't want sex then I would think they can handle that. Asexuality neither "needs" nor is caused by porn.

 

Sorry that's a harsh take, but this is a really long term relationship: I know it's hard to contemplate parting ways after so much invested, and I don't want to encourage giving excuses for someone that's breached trust so badly.

[gisiebob]

so the terminology @SithGrinch was looking for is autochroisexual...not a very memorable word! (I hope I spelled it right)

 

yes, he might be  trying to protect an  addiction. yes he  has been hiding how he feels from you for a long time.

but if  what  he is  saying  is accurate, then  he has also had  a long time of having what is normal to him being illegal, of having to hide how  he operates because  of a misunderstanding that he more than likely didn't have the vocabulary to articulate. 

 

have  you given any thought to trying to decriminalize porn? I myself use historyless browsers for porn even though it's not something for me to hide, per se, but just because it isn't a front facing facet of me. maybe consider an uncomfortable shared viewing, up to exploring the concept of mutual masturbation. maybe it wont be uncomfortable.

[Rynn]

3 hours ago, gisiebob said:

autochroisexual

autochorissexual  

[uhtred]

Not sure he is asexual in the normal sense, as opposed to his having a serious porn addiction. 

 

I have no problem with porn in general IF it doesn't interfere with a couples sex life - but in this case it clearly does. I assume he is not willing to try to give up porn for a while and instead have sex with you.   If he is, that would be a great thing to try.  You could suggest an experiment where you provide all the sexual release he needs.  (for a short time to try to refocus his sexual interest on you).

 

The thing is, if he doesn't want to stop watching porn, you can't make him stop. No amount of monitoring  / snooping will fix it.  He will find ways to hide it, you will eventually find out, and then you are back in exactly the same situation. 

 

If not, you are limited to those things that you can do:

You can accept the situation as it is. 

You can tell him you insist on an open marriage so that you can have sex as well. 

You can divorce.

 

 

I'm not trying to trivialize this - its an extremely painful situation for you and you have my deep sympathy.  Its just having been in a sexually  mixed marriage for >30 years I've learned that giving up on unrealistic expectations is key.  Don't hope for things that can't happen - decide what to do based on your realistic, if very unpleasant choices. 

 

[brbdogsonfire]

I don't think OP should be focused on the porn here. It's the deceit that they are justified being upset about. 

 

I'm a big advocate of open communication can fix most issues in a relationship, and he utterly failed at it.

 

Knowing their partner is having such a difficult time with something and being unwilling to be honest with them is all I need to know here.  They are unwilling to allow open communication so nothing could possibly be achieved by OP sadly.

 

It takes 2 to tango and only 1 person is trying here so sorry but you cannot force him to be open. To me it would be evidence that it's time to move on.

 

With that said I am not the type to stay in an unhappy situation and hope it improves. I'm for action.

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, brbdogsonfire said:

I don't think OP should be focused on the porn here. It's the deceit that they are justified being upset about. 

Well. The porn use when being rejected (without knowing the situation beforehand and being OK with it) makes it feel a lot like it's a personal rejection, other people are desired and you arent , etc. Its very not nice to do to a partner. 

 

Add in the lies and ... how can OP trust their partner saying it is asexuality and that they arent into anyone  ? If trust existed, sure, they could talk but when you lie like that... the porn can start to feel very similar to if they were sleeping with someone else. It's a betrayal and rejection combo that can ruin a relationship. 

 

Personally, have felt both the rejection and the betrayal from lies. And it is a thing that can take years to get over. But only being fully open, as you said, can start to repair it. If he's still hiding and lying then ... trust can't come back and then nothing will feel genuine. 

 

So the lies were the worst but the porn makes it even worse, because OP got to feel awful and then lied to. 

[Jrae01]

@Serran

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel like you get me. I agree that the lies are the worst part. Add in the porn and I feel devastated, especially after finding out he was lying about this for 15+ years. I hate to sound dramatic but the lies and rejection are almost too much. I now feel like I can't trust anything he says and I feel like a crazy, paranoid, stalker wife trying to catch him in something. I refuse to let him go another year deceiving me. 

 

It is entirely possible he is actually asexual and just satisfies himself with porn. However, I'm finding this a little difficult to believe. I've brought up asexuality a couple times over the years and he always told me that's not him but now that I caught him with porn, now he's asexual. 

 

Maybe I shouldn't get caught up in the reason for his rejection but just the fact that he's rejecting me should help me to make a decision. I just have a hard time justifying leaving him if he is asexual and can't help it. However, if he's just getting himself off and to hell with my needs, that's a whole other issue. 

 

I love him so much and our marriage is good in every other way. I just don't know if I can live with his rejection for the rest of my life. Some days I think I can handle it because of how good everything else is but then, before too long, I'm back to feeling a deep sense of lonliness and like I missing out on one of the best parts of life. This really is one of the worst things I've ever been through. I have no idea what to do. 

Anyway, sorry for my rant.  I appreciate you taking the time to read this. 

 

 

 

[Jrae01]

@brbdogsonfire

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree, the lies are very hard to get past. I feel like I can't believe anything he says anymore. 

As for the porn, lying about this just makes everything so much worse because of the rejection all those years. He had me believing he had no energy or libido to even look at porn let alone have sex with me. Then to find out he was taking care of himself all along felt soul crushing. I've never felt so betrayed. 

 

[Guest]

I sent you a PM. I get the feelings you're going through all too well. It's almost like you married an illusion when you find out the truth ... then everything feels unreal and you dont trust any part of it. But... it can get better, with a lot of work, from both sides. If he isn't willing to put the work in on rebuilding trust though, not much to be done. 

[Jrae01]

@uhtred

I agree, him using porn wouldn't bother me if it weren't affecting our sex life. 

 

He tells me that porn wasn't the problem all those years because he wasn't choosing it over me. He said they were two separate things. He also said he only looked at it  because he was bored and he never pictured himself in the scenarios, he just enjoyed seeing people have pleasure and that's what gets him off. He claums to not be a sexual person at all. Sometimes this all sounds lime bull to me, like he's just trying to make what he did to me all theae years not sounds as bad. 

Anyway, I caught him with porn using a spy app 6 mos ago and I've only caught him once since then. I don't believe he's an addict but maybe he just uses it when he does get horny. I don't know. Now, of course, he's swearing he never looks at it and never masturbates now that he knows he's asexual and understands himself, he says he has no desire. This also sounds like bull to me. 

Thanks for your time. Sorry to go on and on. It's nice to have people to tt that get it.  

[Jrae01]

@SithGrinch

Thanks for the reply.  The compromise part of this is very difficult. It feels like he's not willing to budge much.  It's very frustrating. I feel like I'm at his mercy. Also, not sure I'd even want it now, knowing how badly he doesn't want it. He has opened the relationship but I have trouble even being interested in that. Love and sex go together for me and I just don't think I could have my needs met by someone I'm not in love with and then come home to my husband. It may just make me more resentful. 

 

Anyway, this is all so frustrating. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I feel like I can't stay with things the way they are but I also feel like I can't leave my best friend whom I love so much. I have some very tough decisions to make. 

 

Thanks again for your time. 

[Jrae01]

@Gisiebob

 

I agree that it is entirely possible that he is asexual and just didn't have to word for it. He just thought he had a low libido. However, I really wish he wouldn't have lied to me about porn, and pretend to enjoy sex with me when he never did, especially for over 15 years. 

I have suggested watching porn together several times but he has no interest, says it makes him too uncomfortable. We have tried masturbating next to eachother in bed and he's fine with that but he doesn't really want to touch me. I don't think this could be a longterm solution as I really need his touch. 

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[Ita25]

Personally for me, being asexual means I have no desire for sex at all. Not just performing in sex, but anything involving sex, like watching it or reading about it. So I have trouble with the idea that someone could be asexual but sneaking porn all the time. That's just my perspective though, I can understand that some asexuals may use porn as a way to satisfy their libido. 

 

I am going to echo the other replies though, it seems like your relationship has a foundation of lies and mistrust. I think it may be a good time to sit down and be completely honest with him and yourself about where you see things right now. 

[gisiebob]

hey, this is something that will require work, yeah? there isn't a make-it-all-better solution, so you have to build towards a copesetic relationship.
I can tell you that what he describes sounds accurate. if it helps wrap your head around it, I would say my own sense of self just kind of evaporates when looking at pornography, like I'm not even an observer to it. is a point of view that is hard to explain without sounding dismissive and evasive. and maybe he's finding a scapegoat, it's perfectly reasonable to find him untrustworthy. be open about that. make sure both of you remember that that broken trust is on the playing field. but I live in a society where if I wasn't the sort to trailblaze my own self-narrative anyways I would be very confused. like someone who is colorblind but doesn't know color blindness exist, I would build my life around hammering names of colors to shades, because that must be what everyone else is doing. maybe I would learn about color blindness later in life, like someone casually suggesting it to me and I would say "No! I see that red apple just like you do" while pointing at a green one. sometimes you live in a confusing world for so long it's hard to make sense of a sensible one.

 

I really think accepting that his sex life revolves around porn is a good starting point. yes, rebuilding trust is vital, but it's going to take it's time, and it's going to take teamwork, so working as a team is good work to do. the both of you need to be involved in the other's sex life, and you bet it's uncomfortable to go to these strange places. tell him that it really is too bad that he feels uncomfortable about this, but let him know the good news: you get to be uncomfortable together! I hope your partner is open to the understanding that there is work to be done, because this isn't a your problem and it isn't a his problem. there is no single player solution.

oh. and I don't think anyone's suggested it yet, but when you are flying this low to the ground, it's a good time to call in some help. I think contacting a professional couples counselor would benefit you greatly.

[appleseedy]

just posting my own experience. Asexual man who also had a problem with porn addiction

 

When it came to sex i believed for a long time my lack of desire was due to porn. Porn made me feel sort of normal, like i was sexual, like i fitted in. I never spoke about it with anyone until recently, there is a lot of shame around porn addiction. That being said addiction is a solution to a problem, take away the addiction, your left with a problem. Problems based around libido are probably going to be complicated and discovering i was asexual was a relief. Discovering that i didn't have a problem was amazing, now if i was still in a relationship that discovery would not solve the underlying issue. How do sexuals/asexuals resolve questions around sex?

 

Lots of good info in this thread, take his answer at face value, how do you feel about never having sex with him again? Are there alternatives such as open relationships? What would "compromise" look like and could either of you live with that? Could you watch porn together? 

 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 12/21/2019 at 4:20 AM, Jrae01 said:

I love him so much and our marriage is good in every other way. I just don't know if I can live with his rejection for the rest of my life. Some days I think I can handle it because of how good everything else is but then, before too long, I'm back to feeling a deep sense of lonliness and like I missing out on one of the best parts of life. This really is one of the worst things I've ever been through. I have no idea what to do. 

I just wanted to say that, although I haven't experienced the particular situation you are going through, I have experienced those exact feelings. Only you can decide what to do, but I can tell you that staying in a relationship where you feel those feelings over and over is actually harder than leaving the relationship. 

 

Because once you leave you stop experiencing those feelings. You feel the loss of the relationship, but then eventually that passes, and you can move on to other things in life. You wouldn't necessarily lose his friendship. 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 12/20/2019 at 7:39 PM, brbdogsonfire said:

 

With that said I am not the type to stay in an unhappy situation and hope it improves. I'm for action

Absolutely, this is me as well!

 

You can't avoid pain, either way, but you can get through it; get to the other side, one way or the other. 

[uhtred]

On 12/20/2019 at 8:37 PM, Jrae01 said:

@uhtred

I agree, him using porn wouldn't bother me if it weren't affecting our sex life. 

 

He tells me that porn wasn't the problem all those years because he wasn't choosing it over me. He said they were two separate things. He also said he only looked at it  because he was bored and he never pictured himself in the scenarios, he just enjoyed seeing people have pleasure and that's what gets him off. He claums to not be a sexual person at all. Sometimes this all sounds lime bull to me, like he's just trying to make what he did to me all theae years not sounds as bad. 

Anyway, I caught him with porn using a spy app 6 mos ago and I've only caught him once since then. I don't believe he's an addict but maybe he just uses it when he does get horny. I don't know. Now, of course, he's swearing he never looks at it and never masturbates now that he knows he's asexual and understands himself, he says he has no desire. This also sounds like bull to me. 

Thanks for your time. Sorry to go on and on. It's nice to have people to tt that get it.  

Very nice of you to reply to everyone in person.   

 

I wonder if he is addicted and doesn't want to admit it to himself?   Porn addition sounds so pathetic - the "why don't you just stop" seems so easy, but like all additions is so hard.   Just watching porn (as opposed to imagining himself in the action) doesn't mean he is asexual, I don't think that is all that unusual.

 

I wish I could provide more advice.   feel free to PM if you wish, but I dont have any good ideas

[Memento1]

I'm so sorry, @Jrae01, for what you've been through and are continuing to go through.  I can feel your hurt and pain so acutely, it's overwhelming.

 

As Phillip said at the beginning, the trust and communication issues here are the far bigger issue.  Whether or not he's asexual or what he feels about porn is beside the point.  The communication is terrible, and without better communication this will only get worse.  Not talking about things and hoping the feelings will go away won't work.  I strongly recommend couples therapy to either drastically improve the communication, or clarify whether you even have the strength left to attempt to travel that long road to rebuild trust.  You have a massive amount of pain and hurt, and it's perfectly understandable and natural if you don't have any reserves left.  Action MUST be taken or this will get worse.  Communication must improve, or you must leave.  In entirely my own opinion, the best option I see is improving the communication, leaving the marriage, and salvaging the friendship.

[MrDane]

To me, the big issue would not be that my partner looked at porn, but why my partner would not be interested in helping me, with my sexual frustrations.

 

First option is to ask and say out loud, what you feel.

[Guest]

To me there are a couple of huge issues. One that he apparently has no interest in you, yet certainly appears to be rushing off to look at porn (those few times before you said anything) and is now just being much more secretive about it. If someone is a porn addict, they're going to have little to no interest in 'real sex' which would explain total lack of sexual interest in you. And Two (worse than the first) that he lied to you this whole time about it, and only admitted when you literally caught him red-handed. That does not sound like someone I personally would want to continue a relationship with 😕 I'd feel that if my partner cared for me, he'd have admitted the porn addiction early on and tried to seek help (couples counselling etc) to overcome it.. instead of hiding it and letting me be confused and sad for years :c I hope you can sort things out, but in my mind the best solution would be parting ways. I just can't take the idea of that kind of long-term deceit and dishonesty :c

[Guest]

On 12/22/2019 at 10:23 PM, uhtred said:

I wonder if he is addicted and doesn't want to admit it to himself?   Porn addition sounds so pathetic - the "why don't you just stop" seems so easy, but like all additions is so hard.   Just watching porn (as opposed to imagining himself in the action) doesn't mean he is asexual, I don't think that is all that unusual.

Pretty much this. I assume one of three things... addiction, fetish, or asexual. 

 

I also don't understand the whole not imagining yourself in the act thing. I'm with uhtred... that seems pretty common to me. I'm sexual but I'd be repulsed imagining myself in porn scenes. 

 

 

On 12/24/2019 at 11:06 PM, MrDane said:

To me, the big issue would not be that my partner looked at porn, but why my partner would not be interested in helping me, with my sexual frustrations.

I would not be particularly stoked to "help" my partner with their "sexual frustrations" if their attitude was as entitled as your statement sounds.