Binding

[No_name_]

So I am agender person and I started wearing a binder about a month ago. I decided to put on a proper bra since ita been awhile and my chest could use a break but when I put it on and looked in the mirror I felt like I loooked like I was wearing drag. Like it was wrong and really odd looking. I've always disliked bras but ive never felt like I looked like that before. My shoulder and everything never really looked feminine before but to me it looked like the chest was photoshoped on a guys chest? This has never happened before to me and I was wonder if anyone else experienced this change from being ok with bras to feeling weird like this in them since getting a binder.

[PoeciMeta]

8 minutes ago, antisocial_shut_in said:

it looked like the chest was photoshoped on a guys chest?

I weirdly relate. I usually bind, which makes me look acceptably flat. So when I catch glimpses of my reflection when I'm changing, it looks... so weird... like WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF WHERE DO THESE THINGS COME FROM. That's what being disconnected with a body part is. WTFEWWW. Dysphoria. 

*Sighs*

[Rynn]

1 hour ago, antisocial_shut_in said:

This has never happened before to me and I was wonder if anyone else experienced this change from being ok with bras to feeling weird like this in them since getting a binder.

So I don't think that my dysphoria got worse after I got a binder, but I did become less used to having to deal with it and therefore less capable of coping with it. The last time all of my binders were in the laundry and I had to get through a day without one, I basically wasn't a functional human being anymore. All I could do was cry and be miserable, and I didn't leave my room that day. I got frustrated at everything and everyone. I'm normally never angry at people, but that day I snapped at multiple people. I didn't recognize myself anymore. Before I had binders, I was able to push myself through my dysphoria better, and I was able to function without them. I think I just numbed it out somehow. The discomfort, disgust, alienation, disconnect, all of it was there before too, but... I don't know, I could just deal with it back then?

 

It's like, when I was in highschool, the people around me didn't really appreciate me, and I was used to that. Then when I got to uni, that changed, and I was used to being treated like a human being. When I had to go back to high school to pick up a diploma, I was treated like I used to be treated, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. It felt much worse. Before, I'd just gotten used to it, and numbed it out, but after I knew things could be better, I couldn't do that anymore.

[frostboot]

Yeah, I can relate, it's a whole thing. Like the others have said it has to do with the disconnect from our bodies; those things are not supposed to be there in the first place but they are, so you have to deal with it. Then, when you don't have to deal with it anymore and become used to that feeling, suddenly being reminded that you have lumps on your chest that can knock over your glass if you lean over the table can be a very bizarre feeling. I remember as a teenager I would just be walking down the street minding my own business when I passed a window and was struck with such genuine shock and nausea because what the hell is up with that reflection? 
I think part of it can also be good old emotional suppression. I used to be okay with bras when I didn't know I was trans, because those feelings were buried so deep in the back of my mind that there was an entire shift in my worldview when I finally figured out the source of my anxiety. I didn't know that my chest was something that caused me dysphoria until I discovered the euphoria of being rid of them.