Annoying inside voice that says "You're a lost allosexual"

[Guest]

Often, when I start thinking proud thoughts about my asexuality, there is this voice that says "You're suppressing sexual/romantic attraction", "You're fooling yourself", and "You're a lost allosexual/romantic". I know those intrusive thoughts aren't accurate (because I experience repulsion when faced with images that are supposed to elicit sexual attraction), but the voice annoys me anyway by interrupting the proud thoughts I want to have. It also insists that I'm still in the questioning phase, whereas my logical brain is 100% sure that I'm aro ace. Does anyone have a similar problem, and if so, how have you learned to either deal with it or make it go away?

[AceMissBehaving]

I still have similar thoughts pop into my head sometimes, but I recognise them as intrusive thoughts at this point more so than real concerns. 

[rainbowocollie]

I do, because I'm in the gray area mainly. 

 

If the thoughts cause too much interruption on your daily life or give you significant anxiety, you may consider seeing a mental health professional--there's a type of OCD that is centered around sexual orientation. Usually it's straight people getting intrusive thoughts about being gay and not knowing for sure what they are and that uncertainty ruins their life, but it can vary. Warning signs would include the thoughts taking up at least an hour out of your typical day, cause you significant distress, and you have compulsions that you repeat over and over in order to try to quell the intrusive thoughts.
I say this because I have a similar type of OCD--not orientation related, but I have had intrusive thoughts and mental compulsions that take up hours of my time--I have spent hours in my head fighting my own thoughts, and it distracted me from both work and play. Also got mild physical anxiety symptoms, such as feeling like an elephant was on my chest and getting dizzy.

 

But most likely what you're dealing with isn't that serious. So, for my doubts about my aroaceness, what I do is just kinda remind myself, "hey, you haven't had attraction to anyone in years, and you're uninterested in it. You've had a job in customer service for months and have not once felt attracted to anyone, even co-workers you're otherwise fond of. If that ever changes, we can re-evaluate and change the label. But for now, it's no big deal to have one."
Anyways. Aside from some reasoning with yourself a bit, don't pay the intrusive thoughts too much mind. If you give them attention, that's how they take over. Just shake your head a bit, remind yourself why you've concluded that you're ace and that it's okay to be a little uncertain, and move on.

[Duke Memphis]

Don't worry about it. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but not worrying about it will help your body be interested or disinterested however it deems natural. I have split orientations, and I question my labels occasionally, but I've learned to let my body and heart tell me instead of the other way around.

[SubMana]

I get it too, but I try to not worry about it. I'd say it's pretty normal for most aces or grey aces.

[metelyk]

I know exactly what you mean. I feel this way too. I have only identified as asexual for nine months, and aromantic for one month (although I already questioned both before), so it is all new and scary to me and I am still fighting against the voice that tells me "you are just a broken/confused allo". It has been getting slowly better, but I think coming to terms with these things takes time, and even after years, you may still doubt. I think this is a common experience.

 

What helps me deal with it is to remind myself of the reasons why I identify this way. I also ask myself: "which feels more true to me, identifying as allo or identifying as aroace?" Aroace feels so, so, so much more like me, while the idea of not being able to identify that way, or being forced to act allo, makes me very anxious. Every time I imagine myself in a romantic or sexual situation, I am very uncomfortable and think "no, please don't make me do this, please don't act this way towards me and expect me to reciprocate, I can not do this, this is not me". I do not recommend imagining these situations too often, because doing so makes me feel bad, but my reaction helps to confirm that I am really aroace - even if my inside voice tries to make me doubt.

[Guest]

17 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

Anyways. Aside from some reasoning with yourself a bit, don't pay the intrusive thoughts too much mind. If you give them attention, that's how they take over. Just shake your head a bit, remind yourself why you've concluded that you're ace and that it's okay to be a little uncertain, and move on.

Thank you. That made my day.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, metelyk said:

I also ask myself: "which feels more true to me, identifying as allo or identifying as aroace?" Aroace feels so, so, so much more like me, while the idea of not being able to identify that way, or being forced to act allo, makes me very anxious. Every time I imagine myself in a romantic or sexual situation, I am very uncomfortable and think "no, please don't make me do this, please don't act this way towards me and expect me to reciprocate, I can not do this, this is not me".

I have actually never thought about it this way before. When I think about it this way, my brain says, "Don't make me think you're anything except aroace, because it just doesn't seem right." Also, imagining myself doing romantic/sexual acts is way out of character, plus I get a sick feeling afterwards.

 

Anyway, everyone's comments have made my resistance to the intrusive thoughts 5 times stronger. Thanks for the new insights and the relatable experiences.

Edited December 19, 2019 by Guest